When we let fear win

I really dislike fear, but we all have it. Yes, even I do. Next to FEAR in my back pocket is its usual sidekick, DOUBT. And boy do I hate it when they tag team me from time to time. This week, I started the G.I.F.T. and yesterday I struggled with overthinking what I did ot didn't do and how it could've gone better. My expectation was to try to get these wonderful women to be open to something different and if you were to ask them or me if I accomplished that, then I would bet our answers would be, "yes." I know I am way too hard on myself, and I was told a couple of times to "let it go." Guess what I had told these ladies Tuesday night, "Let it go." I really dislike it when my own words are reminded of where I need to be. Thanks. If you were to ask me what I was fearful of after Tuesday night, I know what my answer would be, but ultimately, I am afraid that I just might be on to something and it will take me places I want to go. Then, FEAR's little friend, DOUBT shows up because she needs some attention too. Then I doubt if something I said did any kind of difference at all. Kind of like, "What's the point?" Then, I saw someone yesterday that did not come Tuesday night, but was invited. And was so fearful that she couldn't come inside. She drove to the building and let her FEAR and DOUBT win. She never did come in. I am not sure how long she waited outside before she left, but she tells me she will come next month (October 25th) for sure. Today, I was thinking about how I was letting my FEAR and DOUBT win and she did the same thing, but for different reasons. In order for me to help others, I have to let go of what holds me back. It makes it easier that way. For BC, I have to let COURAGE and CONFIDENCE show their pretty little faces and let them lead. I acknowledge that FEAR and DOUBT may still be creeping around the corner and will show up from time to time, but right now looking ahead, I see COURAGE and CONFIDENCE. Fear cannot win. Doubt cannot win. I choose.

And here we are...

Many months ago, I started on a journey I did not anticipate on taking, nor did I know how I would get there. Needless to say, I took chances in places where I had only run from these same opportunities in the past. I found it interesting today that Rocky and I had very similar thoughts, although we had not shared them until today with one another. When left to my thoughts alone, I can do damage as to whether I proceed or not into a new way. I have mentioned before that it is difficult to remember how I got here...I remember moments here and there and acknowledge that certain things were said. Rocky said it best when she described it as a "blur". Something where you can kind of distinguish shapes and colors, but nothing really seems clear. Yes, yes, that is how I usually see things in the morning anyway, so Rocky has to point out when someone is walking/running near us so that I know. Several months ago, we started this journey at not quite the same time, with different questions to answer, but ultimately, we ended up beginning the rest of our lives on September 27, 2011. Another date to remember, Rock! Today, Rocky's dream became a reality and even put a little change in her pocket, too. Tonight, she was my biggest Mick as I began a dream of mine with the G.I.F.T. I couldn't really process everything that was going on tonight, and still probably can't. Today, I got to see her bloom again and I even did a little bit of blooming myself. As I try to gather my thoughts and write what I think and feel right at this moment, the words are hard to come by. How can that be? For me? Speechless? Yes, it does happen every now and again. But I think it is not that I don't feel or think anything right now...I think it is that there is so much going on in my head and heart that I cannot develop clear, consice sentences to get us from one place to the next. Retracing our steps to try to recall where we were so many months ago is futile. Through it ALL, Rock, I wouldn't change a thing. Not one. Because changing just one would take us off course and things would be different than how they are now. I choose this. You choose this. Two hands. A & E. And even though we cannot draw the road map to show others how we got here, somehow we made our own path with everything we brought with us at the time. I'm grateful for the trip and know I could not have taken it without you. It wasn't always pretty, and it wasn't always easy. But it is ours - yours and mine - and we will always have the yesterdays, with many more years of our tomorrows that are yet to be. What started with something so easily overlooked countless of times before, became what you see now. What we feel now. What we say now. What we know now. Two friends who could be sisters know that now is the time for us. And here we are...together. There are no other words to say that can mean more, but thank you for all I have learned from you, from the love you have given, and ultimately, for being there for me. Although some of it is a little out of focus at times, today certain aspects became very clear. We couldn't and didn't plan it happening this way. Today, my closest of friends, it started today for the both of us and I am so happy we did it together.

Be impressive...

I am not one to try to impress others merely to get them to notice me. In fact, I would be the one trying NOT to get people to notice me. But something happens when you are noticed for the right reasons...you be come impressive and not just for viewing purposes, but you actually leave an impression on someone else. Today, our work environment laid to rest one of our own. It was a very somber day at work as this 61 year old's passing came as quite a shock. His health had deteriorated over the last year, but 61 is still too young. For the many of us who paid our last respects, we will always treasure the memories TK left us with. Of course, I will always remember his smile that literally went from ear to ear. His laughter was one that was unmistakenable and always brought a smile to anyone who could hear it. He was creative where I wasn't and every Christmas, I will be reminded of him as I hang my wreath on my front door. TK left an impression on me that will never be erased and there are parts of him that I will see every day when I am at work. Others will do the same. What impression do you want to leave on others? How do you want to be remembered? The stories that are told long after we are gone will allow those left behind to share our legacy with others that we may not have known very well. Then, we live forever. I want to make an impression on others, but not for my benefit. People will tell you that I am not that girl. Never have been, never will be. Even when maybe I deserved it. I have at time, actually dismissed others's compliments because I did not believe it to be true. The impression of me that people will take from reading this post, or any of them, will be what they look for in the simple words I share with you. Impressions can change over time also. I was very frustrated and disappointed today when no one he worked with (myself included) stood up to say something about our friend. I had figured that that responsibility fell on someone else, not me. The more I talked about it, the angrier I got and then I realized that I let my friend down today. I could not control what others did, but I could have said something about TK, if only for me, but perhaps on behalf of the others who could not speak. I am sorry, TK, that I did not hold up my part and I learned from this that it will not happen again. Thank you for teaching me such a valuable lesson and for leaving the impression of your laughter and smile forever in my life. You are not here with us, but you will never be forgotten. Be impressive with your lives -- some of us might be about half way done with your life and what do you have to show for it? Have you left an impression to where people will stop and say, "Now, that person was impressive." Leave part of you with others so that they can hold onto that...especially while you are still here as we never know when it is our time to go. Use the time you have wisely and make a difference. You can be impressive.

Maybe a little nervous

Who are you now? Who do you want to be? What can YOU do about closing that gap? Tomorrow night begins a new adventure for me and it is one that I was not sure I even wanted to pursue. Maybe I downplay it because I do not want to have expectations and then feel some disappointment. However, it will develop on its own and become a living, breathing thing. Maybe I am more afraid of what others expect from me tomorrow night. I know one thing... I have several women that will learn more about me in those 90 minutes than they probably would elsewhere. Hopefully, they learn more about themselves in those same 90 minutes and what they choose to believe about themselves going forward from that point. That is what I hope happens. That this group starts to scratch at the surface of something that has been long forgotten and deeply hidden. It is time to awaken and be more of who you were meant to be. This group will affect everyone differently. Some will think it is a waste of time. Others will begin to have that feeling that they want to change. Even others may be indifferent to it. I am not sure how I will react to this group. I will probably process it afterwards and try to remember things that were said or things I thought of so that we can use it again at the next month's meeting in October. But that first step is always the hardest and it takes the most courage. But there is no going back - after all, there are about 15 ladies that are looking forward to the G.I.F.T. and whatever it brings with it. If am this nervous today, do not even ask me what I will be like tomorrow. It Starts Today.

Not in the driver's seat

Yesterday, I was driving to one of my son's football games and in the car next to me was this cute boxer sitting in the passenger seat. As I smiled repeatedly to myself, as innocent and carefree this act was, it frew into somthing that I needed to post here. Here is this cute dog, letting her tongue fly out of her mouth, with her big brown eyes rapidly trying to take in everything that came into view. She has no idea where she was going, but she was just happy for the ride. This happy, go-lucky little pooch was loving every minute of it. Someone else was driving, and she was just ok with that. That is how we should be...we should be ok with letting someone else drive, and we should be trying to take in as much as we can. The boxer did not know where she was going, just as we do not know our final goal. For a very long time, I thought that I either had no control over the way my life went or needed to have total control. Neither was true. I had to compromise and control what I could, and let go of what I couldn't. I am not driving my life...only God can do that. But I can pick and choose what I see along the route. I think before I had blinders on, so I only saw what was directly in front of me. Never did I turn my head to see other viewpoints and use that information to learn from as I travelled further ahead. I don't want to miss anything anymore. I have missed out on so much. Even when it was in front of me, I tried to dismiss it as being make-believe. Never again. I want to be just like that boxer (Ok, I will not let my tongue or anything else hang out, for that matter) - absorbing what I saw and how I felt. That is what I am doing...riding in the passenger seat...being a boxer. Do you want to be a boxer too? Come on, it's fun!

What a week!!

It seems likes yesterday, but also feels like I almost could not tell you what happened because it seems like it was so long ago. It the midst of this craziness right now, I did take some time Thursday night and visit with a friend who I have not known for very long, but I love her smile and her hugs. P"N"V - We can only be grateful to Rocky for introducing us to one another that one day at work. It amazes me how little chance meetings just turn into something bigger and better. With all my "being mom" life, I am also trying to get ready for next Tuesday night, the first meeting for the G.I.F.T. Not sure what to expect, but know it will be a great night. Many wonderful, giving women are coming so I am excited about that. I also reached out to another venue that I have been working with and we have a tentative date set for November. November is also when I will be giving a speech in front of a very large crowd. Can you see my head spinning yet???? In all this craziness, I absolutely love it. It is where I am most calm and when everything seems clear. I opened up to someone yesterday about this new craziness and she totally wants to come to the G.I.F.T. as well. Seriously? I guess so. The more I say, the more people see. The more people see, the more people like. I also had a very unexpected invite to lunch on Friday where someone shared with me about some private things going on her life. I am so appreciative that she trusts me with this new information and always will be wishing her the best as this new jouorney unfolds itself to her. SB - I got your back, girlfriend. Remember, MOXIE on! We also learned that a very beloved retired co-worker passes away earlier this week. Sometimes, processing it all is just a blur and seems so convaluted with stuff. But it shows me what is right, where my heart is, what I am meant to do, and why I am here. I will NEVER go back to who I was before. If this week is any indication of what is to come, then bring it on. Hands up, baby! Here we go for another go round on this rollercoaster of a ride!! Have an awesome weekend.

Stop...look...listen...

I was completing my morning ritual today and I was reminded of something that we do, we teach our children to do, and came up with the title for this post. This comes when we are teaching our kids how to safely cross the street to avoid being hit by a car. But, then I started thinking how that can be applied to life. We are so busy running errands, transporting kids to and from everywhere, making dinner, working, cleaning the house, etc, that we don't do any of these things very well, if at all. But what happens when we take the time to Stop...Look...Listen. We get a chance to regroup and be calm. We get to see those things we have forgotten about and maybe needed a new perspective on. We hear those tiny whispers that are prodding at us, hoping we are paying attention. Do you take that time? Why not? Those things that want our focus, will come into focus at some time or another. Sometimes, those times come when it is not convenient or hits us so hard, we feel like we are spinning around on a merry-go-round. We cannot live being on auto-pilot. Not forever, anyway. Really evaluate what you want, what you can change, who can help you, and be patient. Baby steps still gets us in a different place than where we started. Going for it takes a bit more courage as those are giant leaps. Either way, you will be somewhere different and that will teach you something. Stop...just for a moment every day. Breathe. Slowly concentrate on what is telling you something that you cannot explain. Look...at things in a different perspective. Really see them. View life and the people that share their lives with you as a blessing. Listen...to your heart. You will not be able to decipher it. It will be something you MUST trust. Once you have done all three consistently, then you will be in a place where you cannot return to your old life. You have seen more...you will want more...you will become enthusiatic about possibility...you will be who you were meant to be. It will be as simple as turning on a light swith that can never be reversed. NEVER. On occassion, people, places, and events will do that to you as well. You cannot go back. Allow yourself the time to be YOU. Stop...look...listen...

Are you frustrated yet?

Do you sometimes feel like you are that little hamster running around inside your cage on you rlittle plastic wheel and wondering why you are never getting anywhere? Those hamsters run around for maybe a variety of reasons: they like exercise, they like not going anywhere, their brains are not big enough to process anything more. I am sure we look like "hamsters" when we get on exercise equipment that takes us no place, but we merely do that for exercise. Don't you want to be somewhere different? Do something different? Be more? In one week, my life changes gramatically and I hope other lives change as well. I was motivated to write this blog after reading one of the quotes I have in my office. It says, "Frustration should create action, not make you want to give up." I know I used to want to give up. Who doesn't? At least sometimes? When you see something wrong, don't you want to fix it? Don't you want to at least try? I remember several years ago when there an intersection near our house was too dangerous for the neighborhood children to cross to get to and from school every day. Several other parents I talked to told me all the same thing - "We already tried."; "The officials won't do anything."; and "blah, blah, blah." So, I invited those same officials out to watch a typical morning commute and I recall asking one gentleman, "Would you allow your children to cross here?" His immediate reply, "No way." I followed that up with, "Then why should I let mine?" A trip to the county offices, a little publicity, and they came up with a solution. Not my solution, but one that was better than what we had at the time. In fact, in the past 15 years, several improvements have been made to make that intersection safer still. An Army of One. One Voice. These are all things that can create change in the world. Get frustrated and make that frustration fuel what motivates you into action. Do something! I get annoyed when people wil sit and complain about something but do nothing to change it. If it bothers you THAT much, then either live with it the way that it is or do something different. Someone once called me an "idealist" - that I was loving the ideas of what should be but wasn't accepting the way things are. If we all did that, then nothing would change. "Create the change you want to see in the world." MOVE!!!!!

I LOVE my life!

I know that seems like a given, but I am not sure I could've said it a few years ago and really meant it. Sure, there are things that don't go my way or I wish were different, but I love where I am and where I see myself going. I have NEVER been so confident about things that are happening and just are than I am right now. NEVER. Maybe it was because I just showed up when life showed up, and that is all I thought it ever took. Truth is, you get what you put into it. I didn't put very much into it before and I saw the results. It frustrates me now as I look back on it and I could carry a ton of regrets. But that gets me no where and keeps me there. I was never sure of what "I brought to the table" so I wasn't going to be sharing that with too many people. Ok...maybe no one. I had a lot of walls up. Did I say a lot? Ok, just checking. Even my family has never seen me like this until now. I kept it hidden from the people that mean the most to me, until some time in January 2010 when something happened. I began to WANT to live my life and share it with everyone. And not just want to live my life but decide how I lived it. Then, something completely unexpected changed my life forever. Someone new came into my life and I had to trust her - like I had NEVER trusted anyone before. Boy, was I afraid. Lots of times. And she knew it. Slowly, I put the walls down and, little by little, shared with her who I am. The simple, unconditional gesture of her givng me her heart encouraged me to entrust her with mine. I have more people that truly care about me because I have allowed them to care than I ever did before. It has not always been easy, because I never thought anyone did. I never did that before. My life is crazy at times with work, family, schedules, bills to pay, friends, and this as well. But I have never been more grounded than I am right now. There are days when I want to throw in the towel because I think it is too much. But nothing makes me more focused than when I have lots to do and not any more than the 24 hours that we have to do it in. I guess I had better find time to sleep in there, too. Let me ask you something...do you LOVE your life? What do what to change in it? Maybe everything is going really GROOVY right now, and you're not sure how it can be any better. Guess what? It can ALWAYS be better!! I wish there was a "shaking head in disbelief" way to tell you that I couldn't pick to be here, but I have to be here. This is part of my journey. And I have to say, I LOVE it. It is not perfect. It brings much more joy than I ever could've imagined and continues to amaze me. Every day is not the same as the previous one and yet I have learned to treasure each one as they go by way so fast. If you are one of those that said you don't love your life, what are you doing to do to change it? You too can love your life but you have to have the right attitude and then put forth the effort. It will not just happen. It is a choice you make. So...what are you going to do? Live your life and love it or sit on the porch and watch it go by? "You will never change your life until you change your choices." I have made my decision. Now is the time for you...CHOOSE!!

"Anything worth doing...

...is going to be difficult." This is something from a movie that always reminds me of how things SHOULD be, not necessarily the way things ARE. This movie is centered around a character who does not like following the rules. He is surrounded by people telling him, "That is the way we have always done it." and things like that. But what gets him really thinking is when a woman in the emergency room is begging to see her daughter who has been seriously injured in a car accident (where her husband and son have ben killed), and the nurse is refusing to let her see her little girl until the mother fills out the "necessary paperwork". Are you kidding me? Seriously? That is when "Patch" really starts to see what SHOULD be. He starts to invision what's possible. How exciting!!! He wakes up his colleague and literally starts talking almost as fast as he is thinking with ideas of what he sees and what SHOULD be. She tries to disuade him and discourage him because it will not be easy. Then, he says, "ANYTHING WORTH DOING IS GOING TO BE DIFFICULT." What are you doing or want to do that is worth it? Understanding that it will not be given to you because that would be easy. It will be difficult and you will have to fight through everything that wants to hold you back - whether it is your own doubt and fear of the unknown, negative feedback from others, lack of funding, or seeing the end result but not sure how to get there. Making it difficult makes it worth it. And your dream and you are worth it. Believe it.

When dreams come true

Dreams are awesome. They take us to places we only wish we could go. But not all dreams end there. Some dreams want a life of their own...a living, breathing life. It nags at us, when we are trying to carry on and ignore it. Those dreams are fueled not just by everyday thoughts and wishes, but something deeper. Something from our soul. Something that can never be dismissed as insignificant. Overlooking them is not an option. But pursuing them can be scary and doubt creeps in just to see what you are made of and how far you are willing to go. Fear and doubt are the biggest obstacles when we are faced with the choice to continue forward or remain where we are. Dreams are the way our true heart's desires and passions speak to us and make us think about they way things COULD be. Walt Disney said, "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." What are you made of? Are you willing to take ONE STEP...just ONE...to get you closer to your dream? In the next week, one of my dearest, closest friends will see her dream become reality. As much as she might have some nervousness about this new chapter in her life, she also has so much excitement that I am not sure she sleeps very well at night. I have watched the dream go from every step to get her to here and have, at times, been an active participant in the pursuit of that dream. It has been a voyage where I have seen her through the ups and (minor) downs as she pursued her vision for what her heart has been telling her for a long time. Very shortly, her dream is will no longer be a dream or a hallucination. It is her new reality and she had the MOXIE to follow it. She did this and I am so proud and happy for her. Dreams can come true...what are your dreams telling you? Are you listening? Do you have the moxie to take that one step closer to making your dream your reality? It doesn't happen over night...be patient...and it will happen. ABSOLUTELY it will.

The G.I.F.T.

In less than two weeks, The G.I.F.T. will begin a new chapter not just in my life but in those lives that come to experience what the G.I.F.T. has to offer. For those of you that don't know, I created the G.I.F.T. (with lots of help from friends - thanks, SM, for the name) as a way to gather a group of women so that we can find ourselves again. The G.I.F.T. stands for Greatness Is Found Together and begins on September 27th. I have work to do on what I will present that evening, but my vision for what comes from the interaction and sharing that develops may me different than what actually occurs as the group grows. Back in May, LL suggested that I start a women's group and I was excited about the idea and then dismissed it just as quickly. But the idea would not be denied and it kept nagging at me in different ways, through different people. So, in a matter of just weeks, I secured a meeting place and time, secured dates for a year, created, ordered and mailed invitations, and now, here we are. My husband did not understand why I was being pulled to hold this group but he focused on that I was "doing this me". That could not be more further from the way I feel and it was difficult for me to try to convince him otherwise. This blog is a way to share my ideas, perspectives, and beliefs about how we can all change our lives. The G.I.F.T. is a more personal, verbal way for me to do the same thing. There is a connection between people who see the same thing and want it for the same reasons. Our hearts connect us and when we forget, even temporarily, why we women need to revive our passions for our lives, we become lost. The G.I.F.T. is not my group or your group - I see it as our group. Women will come once and never come back again...others will come some time later...some will never come...and others will make it a part of their life. I am not sure if I am nervous at all, but I do know I am excited about this new branch of my life. I have to be willing to encourage others to see what I see, because this can also be theirs. But they have to choose it. But, as we all know, women are strong and sacrifice to others before they will take something for themselves. Here is a chance for you to say, "I am doing this for me and I am not going to feel guilty about it." I love to give (don't like the receiving part so much) every day. Even if it is a smile, a hug, or a card in the mail. I am taking my chance to give one more thing to you...the G.I.F.T. It just might be the next big thing and change your life forever. FDW!

Nothing matters if...

"Nothing matters if you don't believe in yourself." - from "Rocky III" struck me last night as I was relaxing at home after a busy day. How can you sell someone something that you don't even believe? Seriously? Really. I have told one of my sons more than once, "If you do not give yourself a chance, who will?" Why would they? It starts with you - always. Another of my favorite quotes comes from Oprah - who doesn't love Oprah, right? "It doesn't matter who you are or where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always." You have to believe. Maybe you don't believe right now, for whatever reason. Maybe it starts when someone else believes in you - for no other reason other than they see your potential. They see what you CAN BE, which is usually more than what you ARE. It is powerful when someone believes in you and I become stronger when I have that kind of support. Who doesn't? Do you have people in your life that believe in you? Not just support you...not just love you...but BELIEVE in you??? That enourage you to be more, to not let the little bumps in the road get you down, to always see the good you bring to the world? I know I do not realize how many people believe in me, but I believe there are more than I would acknowledge simply because it would probably embarrass me more than anything. It has to matter and you have to believe that you are worth it and deserving of more. I didn't believe that for a very long time - so I settled in some aspects of my life. In others, I did what I thought was right and followed my heart. The people that care about you the most LOVE to see you bloom! Believe in yourself. It is in YOU!

Some things cannot be taught....they must be learned

I was thinking about an incident that occurred about 5 months ago that I had to learn something that someone could not teach me. I had to learn it in my own way, in my own time, and on my own. Someone forced me to do that and look deep into my heart to really find the answers I was afraid to give. I got a wonderful text last night from one of my most favorite people and he tells me, "Thanks" for teaching him about attitude and effort. He had to see it regardless of how much I showed it to him. He had to WANT to see it regardless of how much I said the same words over and over. He has heard the same message again and again and I think he finally gets it. But I totally understand where he was coming from -- been there. Sometimes the hardest lessons are the ones that mean the most...that hurt the most...that can change us the most. We are never graded on those lessons, but we can define our progress from those lessons. Learning is an ongoing part of life and that is how we grow. We need to challenge ourselves to be better tomorrow. I really hope that this great young man takes his words that he spoke to me to heart and holds fast to those convictions that will motivate him to stay on track with these newly found examples of how he CHOOSES to ensure that his attitude dictates his effort and therefore, everything that comes as a result of that. Life is about discovery and taking our experiences and using them to take another step towards tomorrow. Are you a teacher or a student? We have to be both at times in our life. Use what you know for sure to utilize your skills and talents to make this world better. Learn the lessons that come your way and be willing to teach when you know more than others do. That is how we serve, but rememeber to be humble as well. Those are forever and always the most important lessons we can ever learn.

What direction are you headed?

People always say, "Your compass points north." I have never really understood that phrase. Why north? What is wrong with pointing east, west, or south? All of the directions are equally important, don't you think? Sometimes, the quickest way to get to the Far East would be to head west, depending on where your begin that trek. I was wondering if it really matters what direction we are headed in as long as we are headed in the RIGHT direction. What direction are you headed? We get lost from time to time and are not sure which is the right way to head, so we wander. Aimlessly. For a long time. We don't commit to a direction because we second guess ourselves. We want to have some guarantee that this is the "right" direction. Guess what, everyone? It does not work that way. How do we know when it is the "right" direction? You JUST know. It cannot be explained, even when you try and when you use the same words over and over hoping that this one time you share it, that it makes sense. I know what direction I am headed and I know I am not just wandering around. I have a purpose to this adventure and it will affirm that I am where I am supposed to be. Check your internal compass today...what direction are you headed? You can change your course, you know. Just because you set out for a certain destination in mind, understand that the wind changes, and you may end up someplace you could have never imagined. And it may just be the exact place you were meant to be. Never question why...always question what you are supposed to do when you get there.

Gone fishin'

Don't ask me why this came to me today. Someone told me that there is going to be a full moon tomorrow and with the way our computers have (not) been working today, who knows that I was thinking. Rock gets nervous when I say those words..."so, I've been thinking..." I think, "uh oh" comes out of her mouth. Like, me thinking is a bad thing? Really? Seriously? Yes, some of our conversations actually sound exactly like that. Ok, back to this. So, I was thinking today about fishing. When you go fishing, you stick your line out over the water and put your line (with some yummy bait) into the water with one intention...to get a fish. Fishing is a game of patience and luck and nothing else...there is no real skill, I don't care what the "Pro" fishermen tell you. They can use their fancy boats, and their "fish locator GPS devices" all they want. Friendship is kind of like fishing, but we don't have fancy tools and gadgets. People will sit on the dock or in a boat and wait to see if they get a bite. They take a chance that putting this thin string into a deep dark pool of water will give them something in return. How silly do we feel when we put our line into a stream or river, only to find out that there are no fish there? So, what do we do? We pull our line out and go searching for another place to fish. Nothing gets us as excited than when we get a little nibble and a little pull back on the line that affirms for us - "something is there!" So we stay a little longer, hoping that the fish comes back to get more. And sometimes, they do. And then it becomes a little game of tug-of-war. There is some frustration when the fish we worked so hard to keep on the line, breaks the line (heartbreak) or just swims away (not vested enough). That happens with friends. Some stay for a short time, some stay longer than others, and some stay forever. Here is the thing - we never know when we need to go fishing, so we have to have our pole with us at all times. We always have the bait (us), but we need to be ready. We never know when a new friend is just around the corner, is a smile away, or just simply walks past your office one day. Your life can be changed forever when you catch the "right" fish. And you have to learn to identify the fish based on what they mean to you...understanding that they will change as you change. But you have to be willing to stick your line in the water...even if you are not sure that you will get a bite back. Even if there is not something there to bite back. Be patient and the right, bestest ever kind of fish will come along. Go fishing!! I have been very patient...waiting for the bestest fish ever, and now I've got one...hook, line, and sinker.

Remind me...

I believe that God works His way into funny, little bits into our lives without really getting a lot of attention. But those little bits when put together can mean something more. One of my new favorite songs is, "Remind me who I am" by Jason Gray. When I shared it with Rocky, she told me, "You're my Sista Ho". That always makes me smile when she calls me that. She's my Sista Ho, too. On our walk today...yes, we have spent more time walking and talking than actual running...I kept thinking that I don't want to forget even the smallest things that make us laugh. I sent her a text over the weekend that I knew would make her giggle and it was sent with that sole purpose. Like two little girls, laughing and loving who we are to each other. I don't want to forget to say the things I want to say or smile to someone that I don't know. I don't want to get lost in my own little world that I don't pay attention to anyone else's. I wanted to be reminded of what life is like and how unfair it can be to us at times, that we still perservere. We still do all we can while we can. Then, as we neared the end of our route, Rock asks me to listen to a song. Remember, she has no idea that I have had the thought in my head about not wanting to forget. I listen to a song that has "remind me" in its chorus - it's about the desire to go back to the way things used to be. I understand why she had me listen to it...but we all need to be reminded from time to time. To reflect on the way things are, why things change, and what we are willing to do to get back to those things or make them different. Remind me of where I was so that I know where I want to go. Remind me of who I want to be so I can give the world more of me. Remind me of what we can open our eyes to so we can never be blind again. Remind me to put the walls down, for keeping people away creates distance and disconnect. We all need reminders from time to time...I use a calendar to remind me of the next day's tasks. I use a phone to remind me of someone's phone number. Let's make a deal...you remind me and I will remind you. That way, we can never forget.

It's not about...

In catching up with someone today that I just love to see and love to get hugs from - some of the best, EZ, she said something about another friend that got me thinking. Yes, I know, that happens a lot. Hence, the blog. Ok, but seriously, there are so many things that life is about and what life is not about. Life is not about being perfect, in any way, shape, or form. Trying to make people believe that your life is perfect really just confirms what they already know - that your life isn't. None of our lives are, so quit trying to make others believe it is. Life is not about how much money you have or how big your house is or what kind of car you drive. It is about how much love you have in your heart, how big your smile is, and the kind of impression you leave on others. It is not about never admitting that things don't frustrate us from time to time, like our spouses and kids. There are jobs that we mostly love, but have little quirks that make us check in every now and again. It is about little inconveniences, like going to the bank to report a lost debit card or picking up a child from school every day because crutches in the winter don't work so well. Life is about giving yourself to people, even those that you think would never even dial 911 to save your life. It's about letting people see when you tumble and get back up again. Maybe a little scarred, but better even so. It's not about having a perfectly manicured lawn or an even cleaner house. It's about laughing when you make a complete fool of yourself even though you want to just crawl under a rock. It is about putting your arms up and loving the ride. It is about so much more... even when you think it isn't. You are next in line to get on the rollercoaster....why not now?

"There are good times still to be had"

As I was flipping through the channels today, I happen to hear the above phrase and thought it was most appropriate. Do you know that it is ok to be happy? One friend I saw today said she has laughed more recently than she has in a long time....I am so happy for her although in doing so, it means a different kind of like for her and her family. EZ - there are still good times to be had. We just need to know that it is ok to look for them, enjoy them, and really treasure them. I have said it more than once, but I have been having a ball living my life these almost 2 years now. Some people don't get it, and I can't always explain it. Another friend I had not seen in a while and I got a little caught up today as well. She told me that liked the old "Homme" so she cannot imagine what this "Homme" is like. I told her that this one is SO MUCH better. I apologized to her for not really letting her see the real me. Before we parted, I told her I loved her. Not sure what she thought, but I really don't care. The point was for her to hear it from me, with me being very open with her. Maybe for the first time when I was completely open with her. CW - glad we are where we are....Good times are exciting and just around the corner every day. Some we have to look for in order to have them. Other times, the opportunities just come to us. Even we are not sure that that was the intention. But as I look back at easy, seemingly insignificant details, I have to chuckle quietly. So far, I have had a lot of good times....some not so good, too. But I realize that when I focus on the good, I see the good. I love the good times. Just know that you can still have good times...and they are yours for the taking. ENJOY!!!

Admission

This morning, I admitted something to someone that she probably knew, but I never really accepted yet...fully. I was afraid to say it out loud - to let her see and make it more real. Hiding it and dismissing it was easy, but I needed to go there and trust it and fully admit it. Out loud. Admitting when we make a mistake is difficult and is a confirmation that we are not perfect. For a very long time, I tried to achieve perfection and would get upset when I didn't measure up. As hard as I tried, I didn't quite cut it. Another failure. I am not sure if I accepted success any better than I accepted failure. How do you do with accepting and admitting things that are difficult for you? Being honest with yourself and having no regrets about that admission can make you step outside your comfort zone and even through the fear, give you the courage to move forward. "Coming clean" is just what we need to do to be able to move ahead and release whatever we are still holding on to that is dragging us down. Apologize when you need to and take every step you can, even if it feels like it is pure torture for you, to make it right. Don't run from situations that are uncomfortable because it is easier to avoid them than confront them. Allow people to be a part of your life - because they care and love you. Confess the dreams and passions that get your heart racing in a way that you don't even really think about it. Acknowledge that we all have good days and bad days, but the bad days can be made better when shared with those special people. Sharing the good days makes those days even better. Open up with all that you are, bringing your past with you and share with those around you. Today, I declared I have a "slim" and she knows what that means. She also understands how big a step that is for me as I have now divulged this to her. I continue to travel a road where I do not know the end destination or how I will get there. However "scawee" that admission was for me, please know that I continue to let go of the bar and put my arms up above my head. We are on this ride together, and am grateful every day that I am one of your "slims", as I cannot imagine not being here. 32mbmjsa.

Never settle

I always find it interesting where inspirations for this blog come from. Sometimes, it comes from a song I hear (I have a collection of "Songs to inspire", some of which are listed on my home page), or a phrase I heard. Many times, it comes from something that is said, but the reference in which those words were said might be in a different context than what is written here. I have settled in my life...who hasn't? Where we accept what we see right now, as being all that we will ever see. That it can never be different. It can be hard when things you have are not the way things should be, and changing those things sometimes is easy. Others, not so much. I have been given something that I have never had before. NEVER. Even though I may have wanted it in the past, it never came my way for one reason or another and I accepted that. I had closed that door as one that would never open, and then when it came my way in a fashion I did not expect, I was in shock. Really. Don't settle being in a marriage that is loveless. Don't settle for a job that you feel obligated to keep because there are bills to pay. Don't settle doing things that no longer make you happy. Don't settle for the "I can't" mentality because that is easy. I have come a long way in many ways over these last 20 months. I am grateful for the changes I make in my own life, that somehow in a crazy way, might inspire you to change your life as well. We all need that. We need to know we are not alone. We need to know that we have permission to want and need more and it is not being selfish when we express those wants and needs. We can serve others when we serve ourselves first. I have experienced something that I had only dreamed about, but never really accepted as something that would be for me. It was for others. But not for me. It couldn't be. It didn't happen that way for me. And now that I am in the thick of it, I want it. Even when it is hard, I need it. I feel guilty for needing and wanting it, but now that I have it, I never want it to go away. The guilt would never equal the longing for it should its time with me come to an end and I would miss it for the rest of my life. And I would grieve all of the "yesterdays" that never were. Never settle...this is the way it is supposed to be. JS.

Feed your soul

How many times do we forget or neglect to do that? I do. I get caught up in the daily grind of work, my family, responsibilities, and laundry. Yes, laundry. Then, I run out of energy and get lethargic. I need to be rejuvenated and then I am ready to take on the world. Kitty - A little Fun Dip on Fun Dip Wednesday, doesn't hurt either? Did you have your Fun Dip today? I did. My heart is thirsty for giving and my soul is hungry for giving it my all. I need to take care of those needs so that I can be better tomorrow. Another milestone recently with my willingness and accepting of people and how they treat me, care about me, and love me. Living with no regrets hasn't been easy, but I am beginning to realize that in order for me to live my "true" life, I cannot have any regrets. I have said what is in my heart, even when I was afraid beyond everything I trusted, when I wanted to say it. Without the fear on how it would be received and what could or could not be said in return. Every time, I am true to me, I feed my soul. When I put the walls down and stay, regardless of what the unknown may show me, I feed my soul. My thirst for being more than I was even a minute ago is quenched by knowing that I matter so much to someone that the mere fact of my being born brought tears to someone. My soul is fed when I visit with kids and women and encourage them with carefully chosen words that literally put me into a sense of what I was meant to be. In basic circumstances, I take the chance to remind others that just because that something is the way it is, that it doesn't mean that it should be that way. Games that are played are smoke screens for people that are afraid to really be who they are, so they continue to take part. Your soul is a part of you, just like everything else. You must care for it genuinely and repeatedly. If you do not, it will lose its value and will shrink and lose its purpose. The ache you feel when you ignore the pleas from your soul can haunt you forever. It never goes away and then you have to live with regrets. Who wants to live that way? Especially as you near the end of your life, provided you have time to look back on it? Since we should not ever take things for granted, live your life NOW. Feeding your soul costs you no money, but must be replenished from time to time. You have to want something different and do what it takes to get there. The rollercoaster of life that we are all on is awesome....but you have to get on the ride and everyone has a ticket. Feed your soul. You may feel like you are going to be sick, but that is just fear talking. "Excitement is overriding the fear" and you will never have any regrets because you can say you did it. Feed your soul. It will make all of the difference in the world...I promise you that.

Being "gooey"

I was watching a movie this weekend and there is a line that I could not help but think about and needed to remind myself to write about. One character says to another, "...on the outside you are tough, but on the inside you are quite gooey." Yes, she said gooey. Maybe what caught my attention was that we don't usually hear the word, "gooey" said very often. I thought about me. I show the world my strength, my courage, my ability to stand firm when inside I might feel weak, feel fear, and want to run in certain situations. But I am learning. All the time. On the inside, at least lately, I have been quite "gooey". Admittedly so, when I let my walls come down. They came down a lot this weekend. I wish it was easier, but someone told me that she was glad that it wasn't. I guess if it was easier, everyone would do it. Then it wouldn't mean as much. Maybe I would've done it a long time ago. I am constantly reminded about what I have done and what I have yet to do and they are no where close to being the same. Sometimes, we have to be tough and stand our ground and when we are alone or with someone we unconditionally trust, we can be "gooey."

Carpe Diem

Sieze the day! Do you know how? Are you taking advantage of everything that is in front of you, when it is in front of you? Sometimes, it is scary. It is so scary that you are not sure where to start and once you find the courage to start, will you be able to really hold on? I got scared this weekend. Stupid scared. But, unlike times in the past, I am not running. I am appreciating what I see...what I know...what I feel. When I see, know and feel then I feel less scared. I need to hold on but put my hands up in the air and let go. Hold on with my heart...let go of everything else. I can't have both. I cannot live in both worlds...I have to pick. I have to choose. I have to allow others to make choices as well. Even when those choices take me places I have never been before. Because I trust the choice. And I trust, absolutely completely, the person who makes that choice. I am seizing my day, every day. The courage and strength I need to get to the other side makes me better. It helps me grow and give more to others. I am going to take what is meant to be and run with it. I have no choice in that matter as it has already been decided for me. I am embracing my journey - as I was told to do so many months ago - and as someone very special once told me, "I am having the time of my life." It is here...it is now...it is having no regrets and never wishing you had done less. It is not being strong all of the time because you felt safe keeping it all in. It is letting people see YOU and truly showing the world who you are. "ACT AS IF IT WERE IMPOSSIBLE TO FAIL." - Dorothea Brande. Grasp what you want...what motivates you...where your dreams take you...and hold on to them. They will take you places you never thought you would be. And you, too, can have the time of your life.

Simple things that mean the most

I love giving to others. It is one of those things that I do best. And my favorite way is to give without others knowing it was me, even though I know. I was smiling the other day when I was remembering leaving enough money at the coffee place for the next person to get their coffee that day for free. Last night, I was the recipient of such a simple and kind gesture. It still has me shaking my head wondering, "Why would someone do that for me?" Even though the action was not made by a complete stranger, those things don't happen to me and I question their meaning when I shouldn't. Sometimes it scares me and I want to run. Once I fight through all of the questions and actually let my head stop for a second, my heart gets a turn to let me see her side to everything. As I stop to breathe and let me guard down, that is when it hits me. Like a sack of bricks falling from a 3-story building, right upside my temple. That's when I fall...when I put down the walls and let it happen because it should and I accept that someone cares THAT much to take a few hours out of her day to help me. The question, "Would you do it for me?" when asked of me always gets a loud "YES." The admission that comes next sometimes is hard to swallow, but I know I have to let it come to me. I am better at giving than receiving. Always have been. I do not do the receiving of anything very well. Never have. Even though it doesn't happen like that for me. Even when I might regret saying too much right now. Even if moments from my past sometimes creep into my today. I am reminded of telling kids that when we give of ourselves without any expectations, we actually do get something in return. I also say that doing the smallest things that we might take for granted might just mean the world to someone else. The smallest, tiniest little things - words and actions - most of the time can mean the most. The choice is not mine to make and I have to let that choice be made. Even if I don't like it, but especially because someone wants to give to me. It is still processing right now. I have to find the the courage to let someone love me, but it is hard. But with the smallest of things, please know that it simply meant the world to me. Still does. Always will. Thank you.

Take time to remember....

Life happens so fast. I remember one of my sons saying that his present life is like a video or DVD - happening in real time and his past are comprised of snapshots of what his memory affords him. Some things we remember, others we do not because we were too young or because of our advancing age, we are now too old. Ironic, isn't it? One of my ways to preserve those "snapshots" is through scrapbooking. I have not done it in some time as new projects and other priorities have recently taken most of my time. I will get back into it soon as I am several years behind, and get more behind as the minutes and days go by. That, I cannot change or stop. We also like to share stories of when the boys were little that they do not remember and now they have those stories to share with their friends and their kids, too. We also tell them about when we were dating and how we met so they know that story. I think it is important to tell stories of our past. It reminds of where we were. Now, some memories might bring pain and sorrow and it may take you back there, but that is not a bad thing. It happened. You felt. It's over. You are not. Other great things have happened as well. We love those "snapshots." Our yesterdays have been combined to bring us where we are...right now. There are things that I never want to forget and so I try to remember them, even if I think they are dumb and no one understands why. Sometimes, they make me cry and others make me laugh. I often remember where I was when something was decided or done. I have a list of such things, events, and funny sayings and although a certain song inspired it, the list keeps growing. In fact, I hope that I can keep adding to the list for a very long time. That list is my little "scrapbook" of memories and sometimes I need to take time to remember every now and then. Do you take time to remember? Really allow yourself to go back in time and feel that memory? I have found that certain words or a song might trigger a memory and then my emotions come to the surface...I find tears welling up more often than they used to, that's for sure. Your connection to those special pieces will always be with you and your reason for being is forever tied to them. Share your memories with others and your story will be forever be instilled in the people that are closest to you. I once asked someone if she would remember me...I know she will. Today, this posting is about those people, events, and places that are forever a part of you. They are what make you YOU. Remember who you are and the sum of the memories that brought you to today.

Whatever...

I was told today that I needed to remove this word (whatever) from my vocabulary. I am not going to like admitting this, but the person that said this is right. She says what I need to hear, even if I don't want to hear it. We kind of do that for each other at times. I have thought more about that comment since it was said and reluctantly accept that just saying that one word, "whatever" makes me take steps backwards. I need to move forward. Especially in the context in which I said it, too. I chuckle now to myself as I remember what she said afterwards -- I was giggling so much after she said it that I stopped walking. How many times do we just tolerate and give up because we are unsure of where a road may take us? Does my saying "whatever" make it so that I cannot accept the very thing I was talking about should the situation change, either way. I think when I said it, I really just meant that I am ok with whatever happens next, but apparently that meaning was left out. I used to say "whatever" a lot more, but did not realize that someone else was "counting" how many times I said it. Just makes me wonder what else I say that she is paying attention to that I don't realize. Life isn't about "whatever" - it can't be. It needs to be more...I wonder what people would think if I said that all the time. But "whatever" could be taken as "no matter what happens, I accept the outcome." So, BFF :-), I could be right in the way I intended it, but maybe my voice did not accurately inflect that same intention. Please take note - I will make sure the words match the tone going forward. HAGD.