Dreams come after the nightmare

When do we see our dreams? After we have had something terrifying happen. Do you ever go to sleep at night, thinking great thoughts, just resting as you slowly drift off to slumber? And then without warning, PUMA! You are trapped in some crazy dream that may include a mouthful of teeth that are really gum or that you are back in your childhood home, standing on the roof, where vampires are trying to get at you, so you are tearing pieces of the house off and throwing what you can at the vampires? Ok...maybe that was just me. The teeth dream wasn't me and I still don't know what that all meant. When do you start to see the rainbow? After the storm. Same thing. Things get clearer just after the chaos settles and you can get your ground again. That is not the hardest part. The hardest part is not knowing when the chaos will end and how do you handle it in the meantime. So what do you do? You grin and bear it, you get through it, you do all you can to keep your boat afloat. You survive. I know how to do that one...I am the Queen of that one. Still am to some degree. I always felt it was easier to do it alone and not feel like I was burdoning someone else. My phrase of "Not your problem" was something I had practiced my entire life, without really having a name for it. Because I thought asking for help meant I was weak. I didn't want people to see me as weak. After all, I could take on anything. Or so I thought. For a long time. When do we see the sky? After the clouds have parted and the newness comes to us. Even though we had to struggle and fight and be hurt and cry and get through it all, we get that final confirmation that it will be ok. We are still here after all of it. Believe that the nightmare always comes before the dreams. Here is the difference...nightmares are just our fears that usually never come true, but dreams can and do become reality. Believe in your dreams. They are just a storm away.

S.E.L.T.

Many, many thoughts come to me when I am out at 5am and as I sit here in a hotel room ready to go to a son's baseball game, I try to remember all (or maybe just a few)of those thoughts so I can share them with you. At an earlier game, I found myself telling the story of this journey to another parent. I apologized to her about having her hear maybe more than she wanted to, but she seemed appreciative and listened. Thanks, SM. Yesterday, I was thinking about S.E.L.T. - These are the stages I have gone through in my life and think I am at L. wanting to get to T. S stands for "surviving". When I was younger, I was in survival mode, taking care of myself, doing what needed to get done. Stay out of other's way, and slide under the radar if I could. Just get, through. E stands for "existing" - where I was on auto-pilot and did what needed to be done. Follow the same rules everyone else created because that's the norm. Then, last year, I got to L - "living". I started living my life. I stopped thinking and started really being involved in my life, taking ownership of it and wanting more of it. I only have one life to live and I have to give it all I have - with no regrets. T stands for "thriving". Not to say I am not thriving now, but when my passion becomes my reality, then I will get to T. I will have come full circle and will have come from the less than desired childhood, to kind of just going through the motions, to finally surrending it all to everything I have and all that I am. I cannot got back to S. and E. I have to go forward and be better each day. As long as I am living my life the way it is meant to be lived, then the T will come. I still share my story, my journey, my dreams. One day, it will be different and I will keep doing what comes naturally to me and following my heart. I know I am probably repeating myself and rambling. Get to L - skip S and E if you can. Know that you can. You are meant to LIVE.