No words say much

Sometimes, the best way to communicate with someone else is not with words. It is with a hand signal, a smile, or (my favorite) a good hug. One of my new favorites is when I can "wink" at someone, but not in a flirtatious way -- more like in a "I got your back" or "I am always here" kind of way. Today, I was blessed to receive several of these non-verbal commitments. We also communicated with "numbered hand signals" just before I walked out, and in those few stolen moments of time that I was graciously given, I smiled all the way to my car. My heart was full of the love and friendship I had freely given as my heart also received the same in return. Words were also shared that reconnected us in so many ways that I feel like I am still being embraced by the arms that held me just a few shorts hours ago. Has this ever happened to you? When you sit back later and reflect on what just happened, hoping it wasn't a dream or a figment of your imagination? Perhaps the same can be said on her side as well. In fact, I would bet that she was feeling the same and hope that in a small way, I made her day better. How many words can you say without uttering one sound from your lips? Can you give someone a thumbs up when they are uncertain about something? Is looking at someone in complete silence worth the memory of just being with them? And that you both CHOOSE to be together? Have you smiled at someone who you don't know, just to receive one back? Is a friendly gesture with a wave to someone to let them move ahead of you through the long line of cars say something? Of course it does! Many times, it is ALL there is to say! I love to write and everyone knows I love to talk, but my absolute favorites are where words are never shared. When my only choice is to feel connected, even if ever so briefly, never knowing when it will be felt again but always hoping it will come soon. Through the tearing up then and the tearing up now, we know one thing because that is all that matters. “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou. I will never forget the words that we shared, and I will always remember how the lack of words made me feel today. Simply, priceless. Michelle Homme 2012 ©

The Second Act

I have started looking at my life in two parts...just like a play. The first part was mostly the set up, with descriptions, background information, and certain players that may or may not stay important to come back for the Second Act. I started the Second Act about two years ago and can tell you that since I let "life" take a role in this important play, I absolutely love it! When I flub a line (yes, I have done that), I carry on. When I forget what to do next, I improvise. When I show up late for opening night, I apologize. When there is a problem with the backdrop, I fix it. Even though I am only two years into this part of my life, I know it is so much better than the first part of my life. I can feel it. I know it. When does your Second Act begin? Who are you inviting? What are you waiting for? The name of this blog has always been, "It Starts Today" - and that is for a reason. It has been one of the founding points that came to me when I first opened up in sharing what was going on in my life. I cannot always explain where these thoughts come from and have to trust them. Trust them with my eyes closed and let go of any previous notions or expectations. Because this life will not be what I expect it to be. I was not the playwrite for this play. I am merely an actor taking part in it. Some times, I might be on center stage with the entire world looking at me as I share these thoughts with everyone. At others times, I am off stage waiting to be called upon once again. Maybe I am on stage, but in the background somewhere, where I remain until it is my turn again. I am sure there are times when I sit in the audience as well and take it all in, watching the beautiful acts occur just before my eyes. I love to watch from that vantage point the best. I have been called a "silent partner" as Rocky's dream turned into reality. I like being in the shadows, where no one knows I am there, but I have access to all of the best places to see what unfolds before my very eyes. Her Second Act is simply amazing and I know she feels the same way. My Second Act is here and it is not something that I am in a hurry to complete, either. I am more prepared for life and all of the ups and downs that go with it and are almost expected from it. My Second Act is just getting started and when the curtain comes up again, I am ready.

Motivation

I still get up just about every morning to get on the elliptical, but am very looking forward to spring when I can get our and run again. As I was burning calories, I wondered where my motivation to do this comes from? Where does any motivation come from? It only comes from one place, and one only. It comes from within. Taking the easy road and sleeping in does not motivate me. Trying to maintain my "girlish" figure through the winter so I am not so completely out of shape motivates me. The pictures of what I used to look like motivate me to keep going. Some days, we have lots of motivation and we might be going in what my husband calls "manic mode". He tells the boys to just watch out. I get into "go mode" and usually it is because I have lots to do. What motivates you? Is it some external pressure put upon you by someone else? I remmeber when I first start running with Rocky and people would tell me that it must be great to have someone there to motivate me twice a week at my door at 5am. I didn't understand her method, but those two rules will never be forgotten. I still find motivation from her everyday, even though she may never know it. Motivation is something that tells yout to change whatever you are doing if you want something different. Motivation is a choice and can be very powerful in propelling you forward as you tackle the day's tasks. At times, motivating yourself can be very difficult, but it always tells you that you can do more than you think you can. No one reminds me to get up at exercise in the morning...because I do it for no one else but me. Look close to your heart and you will find all you ever need to keep you motivated.

Irony

Irony is a funny thing. For example, growing up I never thought I would leave the state of California, yet the more I have lived here in Nebraska, the more I never want to live in California again. Nebraska has become my home, although I will always say I am from the "OC" before the "OC was the OC". Remember, I could not tell you where Nebraska was on the map. I was thinking about a different kind of irony today, though. I was remembering how many times I wanted to run from someone else because the thought of her and what she could be to me terrified me. I was nervous about it all, having one step inside the door and the other outside, just in case I needed to bolt in a hurry. In fact, I was prepared to bolt, certain that the need would come. It was easy to run...without realizing I had done it my entire life, I knew it would come again. It was sure to, right? Then, when things got turned upside down, the last thing I wanted to do was run; I was ready to put both feet inside the door. There were times when I wasn't ready to fully commit and tried to disappear from it as quickly as I could, hoping that any damage done would be minimal. Not for her, but for me. I had done that for so many years. But then, when a choice was made that I had no control over making, I was ready to be here; I was ready to be in it for the long haul. Maybe it was because something I had longed for and always believed to be out of my realm, was right in front of me. Even though it was there, and I could see it and feel it, I discounted it as being my imagination. After all, this just doesn't happen to me. I mean, when I had it in my hands, I was more afraid of having it and yet when I no longer had it, I wanted it so much it hurt. Have you had irony come to you in ways you never thought it would? Where feelings take you places you never thought you would go? Even after it was said and done and another choice was made (another one out of my control), I was now hesitant. I questioned it again, even more so than I did before. It was difficult for me to stay again. Is it ironic when you change something that affects the outcome of something else, never realizing that it would have that effect? Things change, but change does not mean bad...it just means different. When we doubt and wonder, we have but one thing and one thing only that keeps us grounded and reminds us of the truth...our heart. It is not easy to stay, but things happen as they are meant to and we do all we can to link things and see the irony that must have two parts. There can be no irony with just one piece of the puzzle. Just like there can be no catch-22 with one dilema. Irony exists where we think it won't and its significance will show itself at some time, when we least expect it, and only when we look back. Here is the irony to the this post...even though I know you live where no one else can see, have no doubts that you are there, and am reminded of what I trust, I still miss you. Every day.

It just is

I ask a lot of questions. A lot. I think even more. Yes, I have been known to overthink. There have been times when I have questioned this whole thing...what it was...why it was here...how am I supposed to do anything with it...and so on. I have questioned my worthiness and whether or not I deserved a different life, with everything that it brought my way. Wondering why Rocky showed up and was ever present, to a point when she would not go away, and partly hoping that she would leave because that was easy. When someone suggested that I start a women's group to give us all permission to seek more than what we see. Thinking I can inspire others to make changes in their attitudes and their thought processes was something I doubted that I could do. After all of the doubt...after the questions subside...when we finally accept, things just are. They exist and will never waver again. There is no other way to explain it, but to allow them to be here. It just is. When relationships begin and develop into something you never thought possible and show you something you have never had before to be true. Without question. I found it funny yesterday when I walked into Rock's store and someone made a comment about "the family is all here". She and I call each other's moms "Mama Tess and Mama Ro", and her family has become mine and vice versa. She told me once why she wanted to know my family, and I will never forget that reason. Now, everything in my life has a reason and even though I still question and think (yes, and talk) a good portion of the day, there are some things I don't think about or question. They have become a part of me to a point where I cannot imagine my life without them. As they have grown on me, they have captured my heart and will forever be with me, with all they bring to the table, and how they all absolutely make my life better. My life is full. It just is and the people in it just are.

When things get dropped in your lap

Isn't it funny how things happen? Things that don't really seem that significant but then set off a chain of events that become so eerily connected that you cannot ignore them? It would be impossible to do so. I think events that happened one day to KR has her attention. Now, I am learning that she is a Dr. Spock, like me...always thinking, analyizing, processing, evaluating scenarios, etc. However, in a matter of hours, she found out how connected people really are without her even knowing that they were connected. I might forget a few things, but this is how it was told to me. Wednesday, she stumbles upon my blog from a posting through facebook. She reads through the most recent post and sends me, "Atta, girl." Then, she go into Rocky's store, but she is not really sure why. Maybe because I mention it. Then, she sees something on the counter that triggers another thought related to a product. Later that day, she sees the same person who had talked to Rock about that product at a mere passing as she dropped off some items. Kind of spooky, huh? It was almost like six degrees of separation, but not from from what or whom. But, it got her to listen up. Things fall into our laps from time to time and we are not even sure why, what are to do with them, or how they got there to begin with. But, it almost undoubtedly gets us thinking. What did that come to me today? I recently told someone what I wrote about her the first time I met her back in February 2010. I wrote about the fear that held her back and the person she was yet to be. I saw the potential that was hidden and unfulfilled and knew she was more. But she wasn't sure. I said she would change people's lives and people would be better for her sharing her life with others. Of course, when I wrote that, never did I think that one of those changed lives would be mine. However, I am extremely grateful that it is. You see, the person I wrote about was Rocky. When we tell the story of how we met, people are looking for a connection that will make sense. But the truth of the matter is that she simply was walking by my office one day - she was dropped in my lap. I did not expect it, wasn't looking for it, but it came anyway. That's when we start to pay close attention to what we see in front of us. When we realize that we cannot plan anything, but there is a plan for everything. Even hardship and grief are meant to teach us something. This morning, when I realized we were out of milk, I was frustrated. Then, I turned on my new favorite song and forgot about my frustration. Guess what, people?? Things will come your way and you will start to wake up and figure it out. Right, KR?

Atta, girl!

This is from a movie called, "9 to 5" where when these three ladies stand up to their boss, one of the their co-workers says, "Atta girl". It just makes me smile and she says it a couple of times one right after another. Rocky has her chamber ribbon cutting tomorrow which offically recognizes the opening of her dream, ABSOLUTELY HER, a women's upscale resale store. I have watched her from the very beginning as she wondered alot about what she should do next as she pondered (nice word, Dad) where her next road would take her. Not just that but, if she would have the courage to take that road, starting with that one small step. We tasted the competition as another possible avenue she thought about taking, and we both agreed that she could do better if she pursued that venue. As much as she made cupcakes as a stress reliever or for friends and family, it wasn't in her heart. So she had to search deep into her heart and ONLY she could listen to the answer. I could not help her all the way, but just needed to be there for her when she was in doubt and had questions. That is what friends do. I have seen her wonder about how it was going to work, where she would be located, to naming of the store, etc. I have been around it all and she included me and others in it, so it has been a pure pleasure to watch it from when she found the courage to ask herself the question and then answer it. And she knew she was really listening when her answer was the same every time she asked it. There was no wrong answer. There never is when you listen to your heart. Rocky, I could say so much more, but will save that for another time. Know this...I love seeing you BLOOM and shine and am so grateful to have been alongside you on this ride. Just one more thing...ATTA, GIRL!

And here we are...

Many months ago, I started on a journey I did not anticipate on taking, nor did I know how I would get there. Needless to say, I took chances in places where I had only run from these same opportunities in the past. I found it interesting today that Rocky and I had very similar thoughts, although we had not shared them until today with one another. When left to my thoughts alone, I can do damage as to whether I proceed or not into a new way. I have mentioned before that it is difficult to remember how I got here...I remember moments here and there and acknowledge that certain things were said. Rocky said it best when she described it as a "blur". Something where you can kind of distinguish shapes and colors, but nothing really seems clear. Yes, yes, that is how I usually see things in the morning anyway, so Rocky has to point out when someone is walking/running near us so that I know. Several months ago, we started this journey at not quite the same time, with different questions to answer, but ultimately, we ended up beginning the rest of our lives on September 27, 2011. Another date to remember, Rock! Today, Rocky's dream became a reality and even put a little change in her pocket, too. Tonight, she was my biggest Mick as I began a dream of mine with the G.I.F.T. I couldn't really process everything that was going on tonight, and still probably can't. Today, I got to see her bloom again and I even did a little bit of blooming myself. As I try to gather my thoughts and write what I think and feel right at this moment, the words are hard to come by. How can that be? For me? Speechless? Yes, it does happen every now and again. But I think it is not that I don't feel or think anything right now...I think it is that there is so much going on in my head and heart that I cannot develop clear, consice sentences to get us from one place to the next. Retracing our steps to try to recall where we were so many months ago is futile. Through it ALL, Rock, I wouldn't change a thing. Not one. Because changing just one would take us off course and things would be different than how they are now. I choose this. You choose this. Two hands. A & E. And even though we cannot draw the road map to show others how we got here, somehow we made our own path with everything we brought with us at the time. I'm grateful for the trip and know I could not have taken it without you. It wasn't always pretty, and it wasn't always easy. But it is ours - yours and mine - and we will always have the yesterdays, with many more years of our tomorrows that are yet to be. What started with something so easily overlooked countless of times before, became what you see now. What we feel now. What we say now. What we know now. Two friends who could be sisters know that now is the time for us. And here we are...together. There are no other words to say that can mean more, but thank you for all I have learned from you, from the love you have given, and ultimately, for being there for me. Although some of it is a little out of focus at times, today certain aspects became very clear. We couldn't and didn't plan it happening this way. Today, my closest of friends, it started today for the both of us and I am so happy we did it together.

Remind me...

I believe that God works His way into funny, little bits into our lives without really getting a lot of attention. But those little bits when put together can mean something more. One of my new favorite songs is, "Remind me who I am" by Jason Gray. When I shared it with Rocky, she told me, "You're my Sista Ho". That always makes me smile when she calls me that. She's my Sista Ho, too. On our walk today...yes, we have spent more time walking and talking than actual running...I kept thinking that I don't want to forget even the smallest things that make us laugh. I sent her a text over the weekend that I knew would make her giggle and it was sent with that sole purpose. Like two little girls, laughing and loving who we are to each other. I don't want to forget to say the things I want to say or smile to someone that I don't know. I don't want to get lost in my own little world that I don't pay attention to anyone else's. I wanted to be reminded of what life is like and how unfair it can be to us at times, that we still perservere. We still do all we can while we can. Then, as we neared the end of our route, Rock asks me to listen to a song. Remember, she has no idea that I have had the thought in my head about not wanting to forget. I listen to a song that has "remind me" in its chorus - it's about the desire to go back to the way things used to be. I understand why she had me listen to it...but we all need to be reminded from time to time. To reflect on the way things are, why things change, and what we are willing to do to get back to those things or make them different. Remind me of where I was so that I know where I want to go. Remind me of who I want to be so I can give the world more of me. Remind me of what we can open our eyes to so we can never be blind again. Remind me to put the walls down, for keeping people away creates distance and disconnect. We all need reminders from time to time...I use a calendar to remind me of the next day's tasks. I use a phone to remind me of someone's phone number. Let's make a deal...you remind me and I will remind you. That way, we can never forget.

What we stumble through...

How many times have you done that? Stumbled your clumsy way through something, hoping and praying it would be over and your biggest worry is that you hope no one sees you? Here is the little secret...we all stumble. We all lose our balance and are just doing everything we can to just not fall. It is a simple check to make sure you are paying attention. Are you paying attention? I think I stumbled through life hoping no one would see me. Ever. I wanted to just blend in, slide under the radar, and coast free with no big to do. I was successful for a good number of years. Even when I got a little attention for something good, I ran in the opposite direction. I even stumbled through praise and honors because it made me feel uncomfortable. I am still working on this every day. I am not sure that it will ever get easier, but I am getting better at it. The stumbles we take can be significant by themselves or a couple lumped together can mean something too. We are not perfect and no one should expect us to be. The best part of stumbling is knowing that someone is there...just in case...to help you catch your balance and go on your way. I was reminded this week of something else that Rock and I believe this about each other. Where she is weak, I am strong. Where I am weak, she is strong. We stumble together through this life, not really sure what is going to happen next, but I am forever thankful she is there when I stumble. She knows I am here when she stumbles. It is all good.