When does it start?

I met a friend for lunch today and she brought her daughter who I had never met before so it was good for me to meet her as well as I loved catching up with CS. Her daughter loves to play basketball, but she doesn't play anymore. I asked her why not, and even though she wouldn't tell me, I drove away wondering, "Is that when it starts?" When we allow others to dictate what we do. When we start to overthink about how it looks to others. When we believe more about what others think than what we think. When are we going to be strong enough to start ignoring all the mumbo jumbo that gets thrown at us every day? When? Does it start when you are 10 and have no idea what life is really like? How many of us would love to know what we know now, but go back and use that knowledge to maybe change some things we wish we could have done differently? I was given a wonderful book for my birthday from Rocky this past year and it's about women who wrote themselves a letter at a particularly difficult time in their life, based on what they learned from going through that experience. I have often thought about completing an exercise similar to that, but not sure what event was so pivotal in my life that a letter would make a difference. I have learned a lot about why I am the way I am and cannot think of one single thing that happened when I can recollect when my life took a dramatic turn. Let's assume that we may never know when we stop believing in ourselves and allow others dictate what we do next. Does it even have to start? No, it doesn't. That is why the G.I.F.T. exists...because we don't want it to start. One member, SM has a daughter and she is trying to teach her not to be afraid of life, regardless of what life shows you. What is we encouraged this generation of pre-teens, teens, and young women to never have fear and to always show their MOXIE? When you have one woman who refuses to back down from prejudice and taunts made by others. Courage comes in many forms and in many ways. It means being strong when you feel your knees getting ready to buckle. It means smiling when you know the tears are just ready to fall. It means believing more in yourself regardless of what is said about you. It means it doesn't have to start, but needs to end. Most of the time, I say "It Starts Today", but in this case I will say, "It ends today."

Dare to be you

That is the hardest assignment we will ever have. No tests in school, no reviews, and no study hall can ever prepare us to accept this assignment. We also have to appreciate that we are going to fail when we get side-tracked and let our attentions be swayed by others' thoughts and/or actions. You will find great success in simply being you. I have never really had the courage before now to be me. I mean, really allowed my heart to soar and let it guide me. I think I was afraid that others wouldn't like me and I wanted to be accepted. But when I stopped caring about what others think (to an extent), I also in turn shut them all out. Sometimes being us is all we know...it is what makes us unique and special. I have a co-worker who is nervous about doing something new and letting others see her for the beautiful woman she is inside. She anticipates the worst scenario and is holding on to that bar on the rollercoaster with both hands, white-knuckles, and probably half-leaning over the side, just in case she needs to be sick. We all feel like that from time to time, but I need help her see that she can still have control over how she interacts with those around her. She can control her thoughts. I know I was not someone who took a lot of risks and still don't. I don't like the way it makes me feel. But I have learned to not be so afraid of things anymore. Part of being you means allowing others in and exploring what your life could be. It means that people will gravitate to you because of what they see and know about you, not because of what they guess about you. You will experience joy like never before, even if you can't explain why. I was NEVER vulnerable in front of others and kept it all bottled up inside. Now, I can cry at three words just said, and I have broken down in front of others, not caring that I did so. We all deserve you...all of you...and that is the gift you were blessed to give the rest of us. When you tell yourself, "I can't do that" - ask yourself, "Why not?", Who says you can't? Why can't you? Don't sell yourself short before you have had a chance to sell it to TO yourself. Dare to be you...it is all you ever need and is an easier assignment than you think. You cannot fail at something you were born to do. Don't let fear dictate who I see in you...dare to be you.

Back to the basics

Time to get back to the basics and really hone in on what is important, what isn't, and where I am going. Sometimes we try to pretty things up and make it more than it really is and should be. I found a new book today that's centered about a woman's soul and that is what drew me to the book, but what first caught my eye was the title, "Ruby Slippers". This has several references to the Wizard of Oz as you would expect, but those shoes have another meaning to me as it relates to Rocky. Anyway, I am sitting here, ready to go to my G.I.F.T. meeting and realized that we need to get back to the basics. Forget about all of the other, unnecessary, foo-foo stuff. It doesn't mean anything except in appearances. But what is really important? How we make others feel. What we say and the tone in which those words are said. Being true to ourselves without causing damage to others. Believing that we can be more than what you see before you. Making choices that may be difficult. Refocusing our energy on what brings us joy. I am so energized with new thoughts and places I see myself going that I almost cannot sit still. My heart is pounding, but in a good way. I have exciting news to share and regardless of what happens next, I have nothing to lose when I try. Nothing to lose. I already know what I have before me and I want more. I see myself changing more lives than I could have ever imagined. The teenagers I saw this week encourage me because they are thirsty for it...they need to hear it. They are craving some direction and want to be told that it is ok to be afraid. I was the queen of that for so long. One boy told me that he never wanted to be out on the ocean because of a movie he saw where this couple was adrift for months. He does not want to feel the fear, so he does not go out onto the water. But that can be a reason not to do anything where the slight possibility of something going wrong (this was my motto for YEARS!) kept me away from experiencing the fun and the possibility of things going very right. That is when he said, "you need to be a motivation speaker." I told him, "Guess what? I am". It starts with talking and taking chances, with no net and no one to hold my hand as I do it. I am making things more simple with my belief in encouraging others to believe and know that changing your life is not as complicated as people think. Get back to the basics.

More afraid of not...

I was watching a movie over the holiday weekend and heard a phrase similar to this one and it struck me as something that I needed to explore more. I used to live with fear and being afraid of living for a very long time. It always appeared to me that if there was something good or bad that could happen, the bad seemed to be the one that should up more often. So what did I learn? That if I took chances, I usually lost. Seriously. So, I didn't take them. I became conditioned to play it safe. To not make waves. To do what was expected of me. To follow the rules already written for me. Here is where I am right now...I am more afraid of NOT following my heart than of not. It hurts more to sit and do nothing than to write these words, maybe thinking they might impress themselves on someone else and therefore, make a difference. Being scared has created a shell that I lived in to follow the norm and live under the radar. Now, I am out there...taking chances that may include some skinned up knees and some failings. But I will have the scars to prove that I tried. That I was there. That I stood for something. That I took chances despite the failings and I picked myself back up to go back for more. That I never gave up and kept fighting for what I loved and treasured most. Are you afraid? Why aren't you shaking so much in your boots that you KNOW that keeping still and staying silent is no longer for you. Let your heart breathe. Feel the pure joy that others can bring to you, if you let them. Open up and stay strong, even when you want to run. Be afraid of monotony and spice things up a bit with new knowledge and unknown travels yet to be discovered. Be afraid. I have been given a mission with no itinerary and no final destination. I do not know how I will get there, but will expand what I share with others so as to make this world better. I have to...it is what calls to me. I cannot ignore it and it becomes almost self-propelled with all of the force of an avalanche barreling down a snow covered mountainside. But it is not destructive; it is constructive. I am more afraid of doing nothing than I am of standing still...even if I am smack-dab right in the middle of that same mountainside.

Being frightened is a good thing

I know we might not think so, but I think this is true. I mean, when we are a little on edge and nervous, we are paying very close attention to what is going on around us. Not having all of the answers and being in a new place take us where we have never been before. If we are always in the status quo, then we never do anything new, never feel anything new, never learn anything new, etc. We don't have all of the answers, and not knowing what is just around that bend that is waiting for us is a great thing. We should be ok with the rollercoaster ride we are on and put our hands up as we travel the track of life. Just like the ride, there are parts where we anticipate the long upward climb, as we hear the gears on the track inching us closer to the top. Then we travel downwards, at speeds we are sure we are not meant to travel, with twists and turns, and minor bumps, and everything else it will throw our way. But during that time, we might be afraid and scream (some of us more than others), we might laugh, we might smile. But, all in all, we love it. We are no longer afraid and don't have regrets about letting our fear win, but relish in the fact that we had a great time. I remember when we went to Cancun last year and we were ziplining and rappeling through the jungle and how my family seemed timid when traveling down the cable about 8 stories above the ground. They were cautiously waiting to grab the cable, and then there is me.

Loving every minute of it, perhaps a little afraid, but really opening myself to enjoying what I was doing. This is what life is about. Really living it. I still find it so amazing when I finally started living my life, instead of being afraid of life. I had done that for so long and I refuse to do it again. Be frightened...it just may be the most fun, bestest time, you have ever had. And because of that you will treasure those memories and you will have no regrets.

Making sense of it all

It is so hard to process information and try to determine what it all means. Especially when life keeps happening all around you, which ironically reminds us that we are here. I reached out to two more friends from that Bunko group from years past after seeing them at lunch this past week. I texted them both to them that I hoped we could get together and have lunch soon. I am hoping for next week. In some ways, I feel like I have come full circle, yet still not at the end. I know that sounds goofy, but when you get to a point where it seems to make sense of why you lived the way you did and now are at a different point in your life, then it seems to make sense. So many times, people over the the last year have said that I am not the same Michelle I was back then and they are so right. This Michelle is SOOOOO much better. I know I laugh more at myself and am happy. I feel joy in my heart and am genuine when giving my love to others and a hug to someone who needs it as they mourn someone they lost. Making sense of life does not mean that I have all of the answers - actually, I am learning something new every day. Probably the biggest lesson I have learned over this year is that I can do more, give more, and be more than I ever let myself be in the past. I learned that I do not have to be afraid all of the time and not every situation will turn out badly. I had an escape plan in those unfamiliar situations, just in case things started to go bad in a hurry, with one foot out of the door. I know I did that every day with Rock. It was extremely difficult to be completely and honestly engaged when I was ready to run. As I said in a previous blog, I am not afraid any more. I have committed to this life like never before and continue to be amazed at how much is returned to me as I give so much of me away. Without hesitation, without worry, without expectations. I understand more than I ever thought I would. I don't care what others think when I am letting the world see more of me. I told my mom yesterday that after almost 43 years, the world is getting all of me. I held on to something for so long, and in reality I just needed to let it go, but I was scared. Fear ruled my life. Living my life now - wide open and fulling alive - makes sense to me. And yet I am not sure that I could explain it to someone else. But I will keep trying so that their life makes sense to them. Enjoy your weekend - hope it is spring where you are as new life becomes renewed after a long winter hibernation.

Huge steps

Are you ready for this??? Maybe I am. Just kidding. I am ready. This week has been spectacular, in so many ways. I got to learn more about what first responders do on a day-to-day basis and am volunteering for an exercise this coming weekend. I also visited with another contact about what my vision is and I agreed to send her more information on what I am doing for my future. I did that this morning. We will see where that leads, but she sounded very excited. I also have spent some money (NOT A LOT, HONEY!) on pursuing this passion of mine and am totally amazed by my friend's willingness to help me; plus she has a great imagination. I have two others steps I need to complete before I can move forward, but so far so good. This is taking more time that I expected, but if I want my life to be different, then I have to be willing to choose different things and put the time in as well. I am accomplishing just that. Sometimes, I am choosing things that I never even thought about, but am willing to say I tried it. At least once. Rock wants something different and is doing that by coming over more to run with me in the mornings. We did about 34 miles over 6 days last week. We are taking more steps than we thought we would. What steps have you taken to change your life? Do you talk a lot and don't take any action? I read recently a question in a book I finished recently, and I think it applies to everything we want to change to be different. The question was, "What would you do if you were not afraid?" Fear stops us from pursuing so many things. Can you answer that question? How did that make you feel when you said it outloud? Even today, I told Rock that she needed to take one step (not a huge step) when it comes to tackling one of her fears. She said she would take baby steps, the ones where you technically move forward, but hardly enough for anyone to notice. I am not afraid. Maybe that alone should scare me - or maybe it should scare my husband. We won't tell him; although he is finding out more. When we are young, we have no fear and try to walk even when our parents know we are not ready to, but we try and fall. But we get up and keep trying and eventually we suceed. Then, as we get older, we really learn what it is like to be afraid even though it usually is not related to an incident, or anything traumatic. We learn self-doubt. Imagine what we could do if we never were afraid (or at least, put it aside) when we did something new?! Don't be afraid - take huge steps and move forward, everyday.