More afraid of not...

I was watching a movie over the holiday weekend and heard a phrase similar to this one and it struck me as something that I needed to explore more. I used to live with fear and being afraid of living for a very long time. It always appeared to me that if there was something good or bad that could happen, the bad seemed to be the one that should up more often. So what did I learn? That if I took chances, I usually lost. Seriously. So, I didn't take them. I became conditioned to play it safe. To not make waves. To do what was expected of me. To follow the rules already written for me. Here is where I am right now...I am more afraid of NOT following my heart than of not. It hurts more to sit and do nothing than to write these words, maybe thinking they might impress themselves on someone else and therefore, make a difference. Being scared has created a shell that I lived in to follow the norm and live under the radar. Now, I am out there...taking chances that may include some skinned up knees and some failings. But I will have the scars to prove that I tried. That I was there. That I stood for something. That I took chances despite the failings and I picked myself back up to go back for more. That I never gave up and kept fighting for what I loved and treasured most. Are you afraid? Why aren't you shaking so much in your boots that you KNOW that keeping still and staying silent is no longer for you. Let your heart breathe. Feel the pure joy that others can bring to you, if you let them. Open up and stay strong, even when you want to run. Be afraid of monotony and spice things up a bit with new knowledge and unknown travels yet to be discovered. Be afraid. I have been given a mission with no itinerary and no final destination. I do not know how I will get there, but will expand what I share with others so as to make this world better. I have to...it is what calls to me. I cannot ignore it and it becomes almost self-propelled with all of the force of an avalanche barreling down a snow covered mountainside. But it is not destructive; it is constructive. I am more afraid of doing nothing than I am of standing still...even if I am smack-dab right in the middle of that same mountainside.

How do you keep from being discouraged?

I think I am in the middle of a big test right now. Lots of things are coming my way, all at once and I am handling them. But don't you ever notice that it always seems that way? I know things happen in three's, so I guess when one thing happens, we need to be ready for at least two more things that are going to show up sooner or later. Some of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is she posting this? This is supposed to inspire me, not bring me down." I guess, my thought was that we have to address life as it truly is, not as we always wish it would be. We have to have bad days so we can appreciate the good ones. We need to see struggle so that we know what it looks like not to. We ALL have moments when we wonder if it is worth it and when we want to give up. That would be the easy way. I don't think easy is in my vocabulary any more, but it shows up from time to time. This morning, I took easy. I did not get up to walk/run even though I did get up at 4:30am as usual, but then I went back to bed. My mom would say, "Keep on truckin" and I think that might have been a phrase she used "back in the day". Not sure what "day" that was, but maybe glad I was not around to see that. Maybe glad to not see other days as well...just saying. When days come like this, we have really one choice and one choice only. Admit that we are here and feeling what we feel because dismissing that is worse. Then, we address whatever it is that is in front of us right now and get through it. Even if it means we stumble and stub our big toe in the process. Yes, that hurts. We get our balance once again and carry about our business. We move ahead...maybe a little more weary and unsure, but we take our steps. We all get discouraged at times. The difference is what we do after that makes the difference.

Life changes!

In one day, I think my life has dramatically changed in a matter of a couple of hours. This morning,I went for a run with Rock...we are starting to get back into our regular routine. It was great weather and I cannot wait until temperatures are more consistent where I don't need two pairs of gloves, long johns, a stocking cap, and a heavy jacket. She asked me if I felt any different about my life since taking some chances in the last two weeks. I told her, "No" because essentially my life is the same as it was before I took those chances. Nothing had changed. She told me that she thought I was different than I was two weeks ago - I asked her to explain. She told me that she doesn't hear the doubt and questions that I had before. She is right...I don't have them. Have you ever felt like you are on a wave in the ocean, but you don't worry about getting sucked under the water and fear of drowning; you don't think about how long you will be riding the wave; and you don't think about what others will think of you if you fall off the wave??? That is where I am. Today, I had a lunch with an aquaintance that I met through work, but we have never really sat and visited with each other before. I had mentioned to her previously in an email that I wanted to share my vision with her and what kind of impact I thought it could make on our community. Within 5 minutes of hearing my idea, she told me that she wanted me to be on her team to help her with something that she is doing. We agree that we can pull our resources and make it better. It was so exciting!! Last week, I had also reached out to another source that could help with a similar vision with a different audience and I received some very complimentary words today. I have some tweaking to do on some things, but we will get together in May to go over everything in greater detail. The crazy thing is the implementation for both will take place probably this fall. Maybe instead of saying I am on a wave, maybe it would be more appropriate to say I am in a whirlwind right now. It is so hard to explain this to people who are not there, but I can see it in those that are there. I can see the way their eyes light up and they get excited hearing me talk and share like there is no tomorrow. Momentum is an amazing force that will carry us where we want to go. I just never thought it would be here, but I am going to love this ride!

I GET IT!!! DON'T YOU?

Oh my gosh!!!! Have you ever just been sitting down, doing whatever, and then felt like something just whopped you upside the head?!? I totally could not stop smiling all day. I send an email to Rocky and just tell her, "I get it!" She replies that she is curious, but I tell her she has to wait...I have to tell her in person. I cannot wait to tell her - I know I can hear the excitement in my voice already and I haven't said a word. Let me back up and really set this up right, so you get the full picture. A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting Rocky in "her office" and she is helping me with some computer stuff so I can take the next step. I begin to tell her how much I doubt (remember - I really, really dislike that word) on what kind of changes I can make in other people's lives and what I am doing there, etc. It all comes out and she says that she believes in me and that I need to move forward. Over the weekend, I send her an email that includes the hesitation of my ability to help others change their lives and that fear is not what seems to be the problem anymore. I actually admit that although I cannot change others lives, I can change mine. Once I admitted that, the doubt disappeared. Ultimately, the choice to change your life is yours alone, although outside influences may lead you to choose that. Even though I have taken chances and new steps that may lead me into a new direction, essentially nothing in my life has changed yet. When we feel inspired, it is mostly as a result of something we saw, read about, or heard. It has been mentioned to me by several people that I can inspire others. But that choice of free will is still their choice. They have to allow that inspiration to get to their soul, before they will make any changes. I realized today that I had the wrong attitude. First and foremost, I must be inspired and motivated to change MY LIFE. Then, and only then, will that change inspire others to do the same. I have heard it over and over at the office since I have lost weight. "What have you done to lose weight?" "Tell me how you did it!" "If you can do it, so can I." I was carrying doubt that wasn't mine to carry. The only doubt that I need to carry is whether or not I have the ability to change my life, and I know I can. I proved it to myself when I took my less than perfect childhood and still believed in wanting more for my husband and children. I proved it by doing it my way, even though it was hard and frustrating. I proved it when I ran my way to be 35 pounds lighter than I was a year ago. I have a sentence in my Life Statement that says, "I have control over how I choose to live my life." We all do, but do we really choose? Or do we just let it happen? You can choose. It was so hard to keep this to myself today...finding little moments to chuckle about how easy a revelation I had just found. Take a deep breath...do you get it yet? You can - it is possible!!

One step back, then two steps forward

Ok, maybe it was really two steps back then two steps forward, and that would put me back at the same place I was to begin with. I forget if I have ever mentioned how much I dislike the elliptical. There... I have said it...moving on. Tuesday morning, I get up to use the dreaded machine, and maybe I was not feeling well, but normally the programmed workout takes me up to level 8, but I was not in the mood for it. Every time it changed the level to something higher than 5, I reduced it. I don't know why, but I just told myself, I am not in the mood to work that hard this early in the morning. Yesterday, I didn't even get on the thing. In the past, I have pushed myself to work hard during the week and then take a day off closer to the weekend. This was Wednesday and then I rebeled even more by buying myself two donuts for breakfast ( I only ate 1 1/2) and felt no sense of guilt. This morning, I got up and did my workout without any complaining and it was better. Sometimes, I forget to cut myself some slack and just stop pushing so hard. I know I have done that most of my life and am learning how to forgive myself. Maybe it was the extra hour of sleep, maybe it was all of the sugar in the donuts, maybe it was none of it. I had to allow myself to be "less than par" (for you golfers) and we all have days where going back actually helps propel us forward. Do you have days like that? If you do, and I know you do, are you aware of them and recognize them for what they are? I hope this day brings everything you need to move ahead in your journey of life, but also be accepting that on that road sometimes, we have to take time to see what is around us, reminisce about treasured memories, and only then can we move ahead. Flowers still find ways to grow in the winter - it is done underneath the ground, just waiting for the right time to bloom! Have a blessed day.