Constantly changing my thinking

I have been strong for so long and yesterday I was forced to let others help me. I hated every minute of it. And then some. The people that were with me know that I was nervous and my actions and words were probably results of not being in control of what was going on around me. I am better at giving my time, my energy, and focusing on others that I really struggle having attention directed at me, whether it is good or bad. Since I belive that "things are happening as they are meant to be", then I have to believe that everything before me...at this moment...is there for a purpose. It is something that I have to go through and learn from and believe in. I have to have faith in all that I know to be true and have to be willing to really give of myself in order for it to be different. For so many years, my thinking has been very one-sided - it has been keeping the walls up, to protect myself and being afraid. As much as I understand that I cannot go on living my life that way, it is hard to set aside so many years of doing it that way. I have to forgive those that take actions that might upset me, but they do it because they love me. I have to take to heart the consideration of others that might mean setting my own expectations away. I have not handled limitations on what I am capable of doing very well. I have always expected perfection and success at everything I did, regardless of what it was. I find myself in more situations recently where I need to stop (maybe slow down, because I never really stop)and think about what I want out of this life. I want to live a long time and give my heart to everyone and maybe, just maybe, allow you to see that your life can be different. I have said it so many times about "To get what you never had, you have to do something you never did." I am constantly having to change my perspective on life, in spite of what comes my way. People come into and out of our lives, jobs change, decisions have consequences. We have to learn to adapt, accept, and move forward as each new day comes. Be grateful for all that you have been blessed with in your life. Look for chances to bloom - it is spring and you need to keep changing if you want to grow.

Think vs. Feel

I know I have not written in a good week or so. Lots going on, but just have not had time to sit and write. I started reading another book, in my spare time, that is very insightful. A friend is having a tough week and hence that is why I am up at 4:15am typing this. I would have gotten up at 4:45am anyway. I have been very logical (like Spock) most of my life. My head ruled every decision I made - which was done after each possible solution and consequence was evaluated. I know, it was boring, but this way there was also nothing left to chance. I could control my surroundings and keep my distance. This process, this journey, and especially these last few days, my heart has been coming to the surface more and more. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of a friend - I am never vulnerable, not even in front of my husband. He would not know how to respond unless it was something he understood (like a death). The one time I was upset because of nice words expressed by our son are a perfect example. This wonderful woman knows how difficult it was for me. Us women need to let out our emotions and laugh if we need to...hug if we need to...cry if we need to. I probably have not had tears come to my eyes really since March. Even those were short lived. Now, the words of a song that has significance can bring the tears. The one that does it now is, "Will you Remember me?" by Sarah Mclachlan. We get caught up in doing what is expected of us because we think about what needs to get done and how much people are relying on us, etc. Sometimes, we have to "Let the River Run" by Carly Simon. We have to let the "heart rule the brain" and really FEEL. Hearing someone tell you that they are proud of you and that they believe in you will bring the waterworks as well. We need to not try to plan out every detail - follow our hearts and our brains will come along also.