Letting go

I will be the first one to admit that there are things worth fighting for and about, whether in principle or for those you love. When people are in the fighting mood, I am reminded of a quote by John Ortberg, "People will always be opposed to whatever threatens to destroy what they love." For some strange reason, I still think I am in control so I hold on tight - even to those things I cannot control. I was reminded today to find something (anything) positive in a situation that happened this week, that I could only find the negative in. I felt lost, in unfamiliar territory, with no real direction of where to go or how I would even get there. Like being on a ride at the amusement park you didn't want to get on to begin with, and you don't know how to get off, and you cannot seem to communicate with the guy running the controls to tell him that you want the ride to be over. I was relying on someone that I kept telling myself that I shouldn't need to rely on. I don't seek attention and actually defer to something else (anything else!) to get the attention off of me. Unfortunately, I thought holding tight would make it go away. It didn't quite work that way. Regardless of what else goes on around me, I can only control me - my thoughts, my actions, and what I do with both. I needed to revisit what I believe - even if I didn't want to - but I had to in order to move forward. Everything that I hold dear, everyone that cares for me, every thought and every dream that I have ever had requires me to let go. I have to ask for forgiveness and give it to others. I have to tell those people that I love them every chance I get. I have to force myself to allow others to give themselves freely to me, just as I would give to them. For the majority of my life, I have wondered if I was deserving of anything good. And even if something good came my way, I expected it to be temporary. I have been married for almost 22 years and have held on tight to that relationship and yet I find it so difficult to let others in. Again, not being able to control if others care about me and love me. I have to let go of any walls...let go of trying to control of other people's thoughts and actions...let go of thinking that I still have a say. Monday, I did not have a say and I really (REALLY) did not like it. Today, I was told that someone deserves me and that she was not going to let go. And she didn't. Letting go and "going with the flow" is easier said than done sometimes. At that point, when you finally quit fighting and surrender to letting it go and letting it in, you learn to accept and be thankful for your blessings. I was just reminded of something I often say to my boys - "It could be better, but it could also be worse." It could be worse - I could not have a family or friends that love me - that would do anything for me. I have to let go. A friend and I have a little thing we do when we are done with the last word about a topic, so here goes. "I'm letting go. Just saying."

Do you live in a vault?

I did...for too many years. That word was brought up in conversation yesterday as I shared lunch with two gals from work. Our paths do not cross but for every once in a while, and not on a regular basis and certainly not long enough to get past the polite, "How are you?" "Good." "Talk to you later" bits of conversation that have occured in the past. Now back to the vault - it was mentioned that what was said between us is like a vault. Today, that has me thinking...the purpose of a vault is to keep things safe, to be used when needed, but mostly to keep unwanted things and people out. How many banks do you see with the vault sitting wide open? None! Sometimes, it can be difficult for us to show our true colors and as I shared this journey I have been on with these friends yesterday, I am sure that at least one of them was surprised by how her perception of me was different than how I truly am. I know I have lived too long in a vault. Savings things for a rainy day, not even really hoping that that day would come. By doing so, I could control who came into my vault and how far they would be allowed to come. Since I have let me guard down and have really started to let myself be who I am, I have been rewarded ten times over. These two ladies are no exception - there are several people at work (primarily) that have been willing to share more of themselves as I share more of myself. My true self. The vault will always be there, but be willing to open the door more than just when you need it. Open it more than just a crack. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really be engaged in your life. Living your life is not a passive term - it is active, continuous, and changing. Have a wonderful weekend!