Taking Chances

I thought this past week was going to be like any other week. Boy, was I wrong in so many ways. First, on Valentine's Day, Rocky shows up after a long sabatical, a kid threatens to hurt me, and I get selected to serve on a 3-day jury trial. The biggest event was when Rocky came back into my life so unexpectedly. Every day was a reminder of her. Her mom helps to watch over jury trials, so I spent three days with her mom and every time I looked at her, I thought of Rocky. There was even a juror with her same first name. Here I am surrounded by her mom, hearing her name, and yet so detached from her. Friday night, I came home and wrote a 4 page letter, trying to explain to Rocky where I was and where I wanted to be. In the letter, I mention several times that I may never give her this letter, but also needed to be very honest and tell her what I was thinking and feeling. I decided to completely and unconditionally forgive her. I cannot forgive her if I keep the walls up and we both agreed that neither of us wanted that for our future, not really knowing what that meant. I had texted her on Thursday night and told her that I felt the walls going up. I think she understood. On Saturday, I get a text from her that she is at the library and was curious what I was doing with my weekend. I wasn't doing anything since my guys were out of the house, so I went to see her. It was almost automatic when I left my house, like I didn't even think twice or hesitate about where we were. I had to go and I took the letter with me along with a card I made for her that I had never mailed. As we sit in one of the back rooms, I take out the letter and read it to her, not knowing how she is going to take it, but I needed her to hear it from me. It was very liberating and revealing and I was grateful that I wasn't keeping it from her. In order for us to move forward, we cannot have walls and I told her last night that the past is the past. We talked for three hours yesterday and then traded texts later last night. I think we both came to the conclusion that we are even better now than we were before all of this happened, even though it was hard and we both hurt. She decided that she needs to forgive herself for hurting me and I think she is on that track. We both took risks this past week to fight for something we both want and we trusted that even though it was painful, it was real. Through this all, we have both decided to take more risks with other things in our life that inspire us and make us happy. I have put my dream on hold, not feeling like I could inspire someone else when I did not feel inspired. I realized that I cannot play it safe and have to take risks if I want anything to change, even if that means I don't succeed. I have to try. I have to give it my all and lay it all out there. Are you doing that in your life? Are you willing to do that in your life? "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." Take risks to change whatever you want to change - you can.

What are you waiting for?

In the last few days, I have been reminded of how fragile life is and why we can never take it for granted. A family member had a stroke and I am unsure of her prognosis and two other people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. That got me thinking...I know, people sometimes get nervous when that happens. I have already asked you to figure out your dream. I also want you to start identifying who is your support team or "dream team". Then I want you to ask yourself, "What am I waiting for?" What happens if all of the things you are waiting for are waiting for YOU to do something first? I have decided I am tired of waiting and of being afraid of not doing something to make my life better everyday. I don't even know how I would answer this question. If I had to answer it, I would probably say, "I am waiting for everything to be ok." Everyone would wait for the guarantee - then there is no risk involved. Guess what? No one can tell me that. No one can tell anyone that. I have to take these chances with writing on my blog, with reaching out to others, with pursuing my dream and following my passion. I want you to know that I am in "GO MODE." My family knows exactly what that means. Now, that may be partly because of the time of year, but I am done with waiting. I have waited what seems like a lifetime to get me where I am now, and it has only been 12 months. I am no longer just going to let life happen around me, but I am resolved to make sure that I am being an active participant in my life. It amazes me how much fear stops us from doing anything that is new, different, or out of the ordinary. Ok...here is your challenge this week:
1. Write our your passion
2. How can your passion fullfill your dream
3. Who will help you?
4. What are you waiting for?

It is amazing how when you write things down (even if you never share them) you see the words and it is as if someone is reminding you of where you want to be. Be honest and truthful...you can always email me at michelle.itstartstoday@gmail.com if you want to visit more. I would love to hear from you! Make it happen!

Do you live in a vault?

I did...for too many years. That word was brought up in conversation yesterday as I shared lunch with two gals from work. Our paths do not cross but for every once in a while, and not on a regular basis and certainly not long enough to get past the polite, "How are you?" "Good." "Talk to you later" bits of conversation that have occured in the past. Now back to the vault - it was mentioned that what was said between us is like a vault. Today, that has me thinking...the purpose of a vault is to keep things safe, to be used when needed, but mostly to keep unwanted things and people out. How many banks do you see with the vault sitting wide open? None! Sometimes, it can be difficult for us to show our true colors and as I shared this journey I have been on with these friends yesterday, I am sure that at least one of them was surprised by how her perception of me was different than how I truly am. I know I have lived too long in a vault. Savings things for a rainy day, not even really hoping that that day would come. By doing so, I could control who came into my vault and how far they would be allowed to come. Since I have let me guard down and have really started to let myself be who I am, I have been rewarded ten times over. These two ladies are no exception - there are several people at work (primarily) that have been willing to share more of themselves as I share more of myself. My true self. The vault will always be there, but be willing to open the door more than just when you need it. Open it more than just a crack. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really be engaged in your life. Living your life is not a passive term - it is active, continuous, and changing. Have a wonderful weekend!