Reminder of my old self

Tonight, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I ran into an old friend that I probably had not seen in several years (maybe 3?) as she was looking for something in the organic aisle. I jokenly came up behind her and told her, "Don't eat that stuff, it will kill you!" No, I was not serious, but thought it was funny. Anyway, I visit with E and catch up on our families. She notices that I have lost weight and asks me what I did...I tell her that story and how Rocky got me going. Then, I tell her that I am sorry. I am sorry that for years, I did not share with her and our other BUNKO friends who I really was and had walls up all the time. I was reserved but friendly just enough to everyone there. She commented on how I was negative and sad all the time when I came to BUNKO, even when I won most of the time. Seriously, they had to change the rules because I won so many times in one night. I felt uncomfortable that I was so different now and that I missed out on so much with those people that were friends. I pulled away from them when I looked around the room and wondered which one of the these people would I call if something horrible happened in my life. Which one of these ladies would stop what they are doing in their busy lives, and be there for me? Not that I would even call one, but if I ever got the courage to call one, even one, which one? I would not have called even one. And the truth is that if I had needed to make that call, someone would have come. I did not even share with these ladies when my birthday was and we played BUNKO for about 4 years. That is pretty closed up, living in the vault. So when I turned 40, these same ladies even gave me a surprise, impromtu birthday party because they happened to find out that morning. I did not like the attention and even threatened to leave when I got to T's house. They didn't deserve that and they just wanted to celebrate me and I reluctently let them. I didn't get it then. I feel like I need to apologize to them. So, BUNKO babes - you know who you are. I am sorry for not letting you in and prejudging you based on my past. A past that you had no idea existed in a place I never went. Until this year. That was not your fault. You always gave me 100% of you and I never returned the favor, afraid of something that I had envisioned would happen in my mind. I was held captive of the fear of not thinking I could have friends who cared about me and enjoyed being with me. You deserved better and I wish I could fix it. Maybe someday. I shared with E where I am now, and she told me that I looked so happy and I gave her a big hug then we went our separate ways. It was so great to see her and I sent her a text telling her so. I am putting myself out there - telling her exactly what I was feeling at the time I was feeling it. I vowed to do that a year ago. I am not sure what E was thinking after I walked away, but I sensed that she might need someone to be there for her. I hope that somehow, she gets the message that I am here if she needs me. I hope that she forgives me for treating her less than I should have. I had forgotten what the old me was like, but got a glimpse of her today as I shared with an old friend. I sit here, shaking my head, thinking how pitiful it must have been trying to sell something that I was that I didn't even believe. You can't sell what you don't believe, regardless of what you want to sell. If someone asks you, "How are you?" too many times we offer up the minimum and try to sell it, but fail miserably at it. This ugly reminder of who I was disgusted me and I KNOW I am not going back to that old Michelle. She is gone forever. Who are you pretending to be? Finally, let you be you...it is too hard trying to be anyone else.

Outside the box

How many of us are living inside their comfort zone aka their "box"? How many times have we heard the phrase, "Go outside the box!" Even a fast food restaurant has used a slight spin of that phrase in one of its marketing campaigns. I know that staying inside the box, the vault, the cocoon, (etc) is safe - believe me, I have lived it most of my life. But what happens, if you step outside of the box? Even just baby steps can help the box get bigger or even change the shape of the box. The entire concept of the "box" is different for everyone. Maybe not everyone has a "box-shaped" box; maybe my box is bigger than your box; maybe its the other way around. We all have one - that is where it ties us all together. Some people like (maybe love?) skiing down a mountain after they have been lifted to that site by a helicopter. That is not for me, but for those people that is totally inside their box. I was visiting with a friend a little yesterday that I do not know very well. We have always chatted and enjoyed seeing each other whenever that happened, but never really made it an event until now (we are having lunch in April). I am living outside my original box, but my willingness to keep going outside my box makes my box bigger. Or maybe it just changes shapes. In talking to people, I notice how afraid we are of trusting others and therefore allowing people to see our true selves. Been there, done that. Not to say that I ever was dishonest about who I was, but was selective as to what people got to see of me. In talking with my friend yesterday, she said some very nice things about the way I make her feel when I see her. I did not realize that my continuing to go outside my box made her feel that way. I am just being me and letting more of the world see me, for who I am. My running with Rocky started with the most difficult question I have ever been asked, and it was asked by someone I had know about a month. She asks questions all the time now, so I am a little leary now.She asked, "WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?" Exactly. Do you know where I am going with this? This is your question for the weekend...if you want to change something in your life, you have to admit that you want something different. Just wanting something different doesn't mean that it will happen, unless you do something different. Be brave today and go outside your box - even once, even if no one else notices. Journal what happened and look back it over the weekend. Find something else next week to expand your box - make it change shapes, do whatever needs to be done. Life is more fun when you understand that the size and shape of your box is limitless. But you have to be willing to go there.

Do you live in a vault?

I did...for too many years. That word was brought up in conversation yesterday as I shared lunch with two gals from work. Our paths do not cross but for every once in a while, and not on a regular basis and certainly not long enough to get past the polite, "How are you?" "Good." "Talk to you later" bits of conversation that have occured in the past. Now back to the vault - it was mentioned that what was said between us is like a vault. Today, that has me thinking...the purpose of a vault is to keep things safe, to be used when needed, but mostly to keep unwanted things and people out. How many banks do you see with the vault sitting wide open? None! Sometimes, it can be difficult for us to show our true colors and as I shared this journey I have been on with these friends yesterday, I am sure that at least one of them was surprised by how her perception of me was different than how I truly am. I know I have lived too long in a vault. Savings things for a rainy day, not even really hoping that that day would come. By doing so, I could control who came into my vault and how far they would be allowed to come. Since I have let me guard down and have really started to let myself be who I am, I have been rewarded ten times over. These two ladies are no exception - there are several people at work (primarily) that have been willing to share more of themselves as I share more of myself. My true self. The vault will always be there, but be willing to open the door more than just when you need it. Open it more than just a crack. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really be engaged in your life. Living your life is not a passive term - it is active, continuous, and changing. Have a wonderful weekend!