Apology

I was thinking that if you give an apology and you are unsure if it has been accepted, can you accept the apology you must give yourself? Can you move forward without knowing if the apology given has been accepted before you can accept the apology you must give yourself? If you forgive yourself before the other person has forgiven you, is that wrong? Does any of this even make sense? Do the words, "I forgive you" need to be said and heard or do you just assume that if things are moving along as if nothing happened that things are ok? I am asking because I do not have the answers to these questions and I have been asking myself these same questions after hurting someone I care for very much. I have apologized but do not know if it was accepted. I am unsure if I have been forgiven. Part of me is not sure how to proceed. Another side has seen "normalness", but I am not sure that it is because all has been forgotten and we are moving forward or just putting things to the side so we don't deal with them. That is easy to do and I get that. I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself and have been beating myself up since I realized that I had hurt that someone else. I did not mean to, but it happened and I cannot take it back. I know that now. I want things to go back to the way they were and will keep working on trying to make amends. I understand it may take time and am willing to wait. But what do I do in the meantime? I am not sure. I have never been very good at forgiving myself for failing to succeed at something or making a mistake that was witnessed by others. I just hope I am given a second chance to make things right. This quiet torture is something I must bear alone and am confident will make me better. But while I wait, I still wonder....

Right vs. Wrong

How many times does this dilema cross your path in any given day? I am talking about a certain thing, however. Have you ever felt like you made the right decision for the wrong reasons or made the wrong decision for the right reasons? For whatever reason, this thought came to me at 2:45am and then I could not get back to sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I decided something for the right reason. It made sense to me on one hand and not on another. But I had to decide. I was not prepared to not make a decision, because playing on the teeter-totter was not helping me. So I decided to be true to me and try to put myself first because not doing so was more painful. Even the person I shared this decision with did not understand why I needed to make it, but yet she understood. In part, I did not want to have to choose, but I did not think there was another way. Yesterday, I realized that I had made the wrong decision, but the reasons still made sense to me. I hate it when things come back to bite you in the ___. I am not a selfish person and constantly give to others as that truly makes me happy. When I give to others, I cannot think of myself. As I type this, I realized another thing...in making my decision, I was running. Because running was easy. I had removed myself from a situation that was painful for me to stay in, so my choice was to run. I had an out...it was given to me...and I chose to take it. Then, yesterday I was reminded of something else that helped me choose something else. So here I am backl at square one. But not really because I have already learned from making the wrong decision for the right reasons. There are times when the decisions we make cannot be explained (so they might look wrong), but we know they are right in our hearts. I have to apologize, even though it may not be needed or expected, for making the wrong decision and hope forgiveness will follow. Whenever this happens to us, make the amends that need to be done to make it better. I did not realize how ready I was to leave it all behind me, knowing it would not be something anyone wanted, but because it was easy. It is much more difficult to fight for something you want, even if you are not sure how it will work out. Today, I will make the right decision for the right reasons. I know it will be hard and I am not willing to give up.

Give and take

Rule #16. "There's no keeping count, no IOUs. Relationships aren't always 50/50. Some days I have to give 100 and some days I can only do 30." This is part of a list of 22 rules that were given to me some time ago and this one struck me today when I was on the elliptical this morning. But if I give, you need to take. And if you give, I need to take. There is no score. This morning I had an epihany on something and I only hope that we can move on from it. I was asking someone to choose something that I never should have been a choice. I am embarrassed to even admit it, but it will not happen again. I know it would have never been asked of me. I am truly sorry. I hope you forgive me. In light of this new knowledge, I have to keep giving. Even if I am not sure how it will be taken or maybe not taken in the way it was intended. I still have to be true to myself and give all of me, even if nothing is returned. This is not about me. I have to be willing to accept whatever comes my way, whenever it comes may way, and be grateful for the small piece that I have been given. I have learned a lot about myself this week about what I truly believe, what I still want in my life, and what I am willing to do for those special people in my life. Do we give more than others? Do we sometimes wonder why should I give more than they are giving me? I have done that. I was being selfish and shake my head in disgust with myself. But sometimes giving more is worth it, without expecting anything in return. Sometimes, we think what could be returned could be so simple, but maybe it isn't to the other person. We are all different and process the same information differently. Things I would never think of doing, someone else has no second thoughts about doing and vice versa. Things that I believe to be important to you may not really be that important to you. Words that are never said because you can't find the right words to say, but I would have no problem with telling you how I feel. Sometimes, I have no clear plan and yet find myself somewhere that I didn't think I would be. But, in this crazy world, we can usually classify people by how they act, what they believe in, and what words come from them. I have never been a taker, and almost took something away that I would have regretted doing for the rest of my life. I am a giver and will continue to give to those that are most important to me.

Making amends

Making amends for possible wrongdoings can make things all better. Yesterday, I took the chance to apologize to someone that perhaps I didn't need to, but I did it anyway. After 20 some years, I said what I needed to say and even though it was better before I apologized, I felt better afterwards. Sometimes, we make decisions at the time that we need to make them and do not realize how those decisions might affect someone else. It was never talked about and probably long forgotten. But I had told Rocky that I felt that I needed to say I was sorry to someone for excluding them from certain events from my life a long time ago. I had decided back when I wrote my Life Statement that I would say what I need to say when I need to say it. I recently told someone that I was not sure if what I ever say to her is too much, but she knows exactly how I feel and what she means to me. She never doubts and I even asked if it was too much. She told me it was never too much. I try to make amends with those that I might have wronged and would gladly say, "I'm sorry." I wrote a card and gave her a little gift too and I have no regrets in doing so. The response I got was one of "I understand" and "It was a hard time." Do you have amends you need to make with those you care about? Are you willing to do that and go somewhere that you never thought possible? This year is about "WHY NOT?" - yesterday, I probably surprised this someone, but am glad I had the opportunity to make amends. Whether she thought they needed them or not, I am glad I did not miss that chance while I had it. Thanks, CL. We are better now than we probably ever have been.

Reminder of my old self

Tonight, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I ran into an old friend that I probably had not seen in several years (maybe 3?) as she was looking for something in the organic aisle. I jokenly came up behind her and told her, "Don't eat that stuff, it will kill you!" No, I was not serious, but thought it was funny. Anyway, I visit with E and catch up on our families. She notices that I have lost weight and asks me what I did...I tell her that story and how Rocky got me going. Then, I tell her that I am sorry. I am sorry that for years, I did not share with her and our other BUNKO friends who I really was and had walls up all the time. I was reserved but friendly just enough to everyone there. She commented on how I was negative and sad all the time when I came to BUNKO, even when I won most of the time. Seriously, they had to change the rules because I won so many times in one night. I felt uncomfortable that I was so different now and that I missed out on so much with those people that were friends. I pulled away from them when I looked around the room and wondered which one of the these people would I call if something horrible happened in my life. Which one of these ladies would stop what they are doing in their busy lives, and be there for me? Not that I would even call one, but if I ever got the courage to call one, even one, which one? I would not have called even one. And the truth is that if I had needed to make that call, someone would have come. I did not even share with these ladies when my birthday was and we played BUNKO for about 4 years. That is pretty closed up, living in the vault. So when I turned 40, these same ladies even gave me a surprise, impromtu birthday party because they happened to find out that morning. I did not like the attention and even threatened to leave when I got to T's house. They didn't deserve that and they just wanted to celebrate me and I reluctently let them. I didn't get it then. I feel like I need to apologize to them. So, BUNKO babes - you know who you are. I am sorry for not letting you in and prejudging you based on my past. A past that you had no idea existed in a place I never went. Until this year. That was not your fault. You always gave me 100% of you and I never returned the favor, afraid of something that I had envisioned would happen in my mind. I was held captive of the fear of not thinking I could have friends who cared about me and enjoyed being with me. You deserved better and I wish I could fix it. Maybe someday. I shared with E where I am now, and she told me that I looked so happy and I gave her a big hug then we went our separate ways. It was so great to see her and I sent her a text telling her so. I am putting myself out there - telling her exactly what I was feeling at the time I was feeling it. I vowed to do that a year ago. I am not sure what E was thinking after I walked away, but I sensed that she might need someone to be there for her. I hope that somehow, she gets the message that I am here if she needs me. I hope that she forgives me for treating her less than I should have. I had forgotten what the old me was like, but got a glimpse of her today as I shared with an old friend. I sit here, shaking my head, thinking how pitiful it must have been trying to sell something that I was that I didn't even believe. You can't sell what you don't believe, regardless of what you want to sell. If someone asks you, "How are you?" too many times we offer up the minimum and try to sell it, but fail miserably at it. This ugly reminder of who I was disgusted me and I KNOW I am not going back to that old Michelle. She is gone forever. Who are you pretending to be? Finally, let you be you...it is too hard trying to be anyone else.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today was a good day, and some things happened as I did not expect them to either. It was great to get out and run this morning. I thought it would be more difficult than it was, which made it more enjoyable. There were some slick spots at some intersections, but I was not the only one out at 5am. I know, you are just thinking to yourselves that there are more crazy people out there. Then, I sent two texts to the friend that I had mentioned in previous blogs. The first one said, "I'm still here and I miss you." Then, someone else comes to my office and asks me if I have heard from her and I reply, "no". I start thinking over the lunch hour that maybe I am not "hearing" what she is trying to tell me. Maybe she is walking away and I just need her to say it. I doubted and was letting my head win over my heart, but I sent another text, telling her that I am grateful for her and that I would always remember her. A few hours later, the unexpected happened. She showed up at my office, unannounced. I knew it was not going to be good, because she shut my door as she walked in as I was finishing up on a call. I didn't know what to feel or what to say. I didn't know if she would want to talk first, so I just let her say what she needed to say. Over the last few days, I have been practicing living my life without her in it, because essentially she wasn't. I didn't know how to let her know that I cared and I didn't know if she even read what I wrote in the text. She apologized and hopes she can make it up to me. There is nothing to make up. My heart told me that she would find her way back, but I did not know when that would be and that was the hardest part - waiting for her to choose, one way or another. I still am reeling from her just showing up today - I had played out in my head what would happen when I saw her or talked to her next, but I was not prepared for it today. Since she sent that message to me via facebook over a week ago, I have been trying to move on and wait for her to come to me. Since I get my facebook messages on my phone, I have tried to delete the messages that we traded that night. It wouldn't let me. It was a reminder that I knew was there, but didn't want to see everytime I looked at my phone. It reminded me how much I missed her and still wanted to communicate with her and be a part of her life. I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her before she left my office. I am not sure where she will go from here, but I hope she knows that I forgive her and am here for her. Always will be.

I need to apologize

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it has been some time since I last wrote. It has not been because I have stopped this process. In fact, I have reached a new level which I will share with you in a moment. I have never stopped thinking about what responsibility I have now if people know about what I am doing. I am not just accountable to myself but I am to them as well. I have started to get up early (4:45am) twice a week to work out with a friend. We enjoy each other's company and it is a great way to see the sun come up. I want you to know that I have been very busy reading on how I can be better and what changes I need to make in myself. With all of the questions I have had, I was searching for what to do next. So of course, the book titled, "I could do anything if I knew what it was" has been extremley helpful. It forced me to look at why I am the way I am, using my childhood as reasons for my disposition. Then, something amazing happened to me yesterday. I wrote the Mission Statement for my life. It has it's own page on this same blog. I could not get the words on the paper fast enough and as quickly as they came, I spent no time really even questioning the words and their meaning. It was like they were just there. My day was "FANTABULOUS". I know that it is a made up word, but when I said it, people looked at me different. Even those that did not know I wrote a Mission Statement. I was so excited, I called two friends and read it to them over the phone and then I emailed it to them. It is emotional and raw but it is there. Take a look and let me know what you think.