Right vs. Wrong

How many times does this dilema cross your path in any given day? I am talking about a certain thing, however. Have you ever felt like you made the right decision for the wrong reasons or made the wrong decision for the right reasons? For whatever reason, this thought came to me at 2:45am and then I could not get back to sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I decided something for the right reason. It made sense to me on one hand and not on another. But I had to decide. I was not prepared to not make a decision, because playing on the teeter-totter was not helping me. So I decided to be true to me and try to put myself first because not doing so was more painful. Even the person I shared this decision with did not understand why I needed to make it, but yet she understood. In part, I did not want to have to choose, but I did not think there was another way. Yesterday, I realized that I had made the wrong decision, but the reasons still made sense to me. I hate it when things come back to bite you in the ___. I am not a selfish person and constantly give to others as that truly makes me happy. When I give to others, I cannot think of myself. As I type this, I realized another thing...in making my decision, I was running. Because running was easy. I had removed myself from a situation that was painful for me to stay in, so my choice was to run. I had an out...it was given to me...and I chose to take it. Then, yesterday I was reminded of something else that helped me choose something else. So here I am backl at square one. But not really because I have already learned from making the wrong decision for the right reasons. There are times when the decisions we make cannot be explained (so they might look wrong), but we know they are right in our hearts. I have to apologize, even though it may not be needed or expected, for making the wrong decision and hope forgiveness will follow. Whenever this happens to us, make the amends that need to be done to make it better. I did not realize how ready I was to leave it all behind me, knowing it would not be something anyone wanted, but because it was easy. It is much more difficult to fight for something you want, even if you are not sure how it will work out. Today, I will make the right decision for the right reasons. I know it will be hard and I am not willing to give up.

The marathon on life

I am not sure that I can call myself a "runner", but I do love to run. I love the freedom it brings me and the way I can start my day with very little effort. And I am grateful every day that I decided to join the race of life. I let everyone pass me as I sat on the curb and watched it happen. I wasn't ready to join, thinking that everyone else had such a big headstart and that it wouldn't matter to start now. But when true "runners" train for a marathon, they start slow and gradually work themselves up to running faster and farther. When Rock and I started running over a year and a half ago, I couldn't run from my house to the end of the block (I am the second house from the corner), but eventually her crazy "10 more steps" rule pushed me to do more than even I thought I could. Maybe even more than she thought I could. After all, there is a reason why she is Rocky and I am Mick. But life isn't supposed to be a sprint - it is a marathon. You have to pace yourself and sometimes, there are hills on the course than make you gather the very last bit of strength (that you are sure you don't have) to get you to the other side. There are times when things are flat and seem to be effortless as you cruise pass the cheering crowd. Of course, if there are hills you have to climb, then you know there are going to be the downhills and you almost pick up speed as you really take charge of what is in front of you and conquer everything in your way. But, this does not happen over night. It takes months and hard work and dedication. It means some days you may have the best intentions and other distractions become your focus (kitty) temporarily. When those times comes up (because they will), what you do next does not mean that you are done forever. It means you made a choice and you can still choose something else. So, when you get on your running shoes today and walk outside your door to embrace this new day you have been given, don't worry about where you are in the race. It doesn't matter when...it matters that you participated. Begin your marathon today.

Life is in front of you - Run at it!

No, this is not a request for physical exercise, but it is exercise for your soul and you CANNOT ignore it any longer. The time is now. Remember....it starts today. Your heart is begging for attention and you dismiss what you get glimpses of because you have doubt. I look back at snapshots of my past and now realize that I was having my best moments when I always did what came naturally to me. I didn't have to think about it and those are still my best moments. Look at your past and identify what brings you joy...pure joy...it has been there and you know it. There is just about nothing else that brings me the most joy in watching others find their joy. Even joy for me does not equal the joy I see and feel from those that I love when they are "doing that thing they do". It is magical and heaven but it is all wrapped in someone that is with me and that makes it real. Life can be magical and heaven - but you have to go get it. It will not come to you. We get stuck in our daily routines and are on "auto-pilot" most days. Nothing surprising happens, and we don't MOVE towards our goals or even take time to dream about them. If you want something different, you have to do something different. You will see a transformation that will take your breath away and make other people say, "WOW!" when you walk by or give them a smile. You will feel like nothing could ever stop you. And once you are there, you will love it. But, you have to get there. Your life is here and now and you have everything you ever wanted to do in front of you. I spoke to BC last week and she told me that it was "too late for her" to follow her dream. I told her that the only time it is ever too late is when you are in the ground. Don't wait. It is there...right now. Can you see it? You want to. Can you feel it? You want to. I know it's hard and you are afraid. But you will find out exactly how strong you are the more you push yourself to do more. Be more. Feel more. Give more. Love more. Enjoy more. Live more. Life is here and now...no more running away. That is only a temporary reprive from everything you don't want. Begin running towards something that you love and are passionate about and you will amaze yourself. Afterwards, you will sit back and say, "I did that." You will learn what your heart and soul want you to finally listen to and do. RUN AT LIFE!! Have a GREAT day!

Take care of me first

I received an email yesterday from a co-worker that literally took my breath away. Now, those that know me know that I love to talk so for me to be almost speechless, it must have really set me reeling. Here it is - "Before you can be anything to anyone, you must first be everything to yourself." - Taylor Thornton. I realized that I cannot serve others unless I serve myself first. I had temporarily lost track of why I am here, writing several times a week, and what dream I am dreaming. I have to continue doing my thing and other things that are not in sync will come at their own time. I have to trust that and have faith. I have to let those things be and they will change on their own. I have no control over any of it. I know this is going to sound funny, but I am really looking forward to next week - the overnight temperatures might be in the mid 20's so I can get out and run. The elliptical is still not doing it for me like running does. I am especially looking forward to March when the temperatures will be a little more realiable. I was recently asked to participate in a half-marathon with a friend from work in October. I am so excited! I have learned over the last month that I am capable of doing more than I think I can, because I believe I can. Attitude is key when adversity shows its ugliness, when we question and doubt, when we feel lost. At those times, we might feel like a dead battery in a car - we cannot do anything, regardless of how many people try. But it is when we get a "jump start" that we roar back to life and we are back to normal. All of our lights work, and we can go places, and we function like we are supposed to again. I am sure we all feel like a dead battery at times. Every week when I say goodbye to my mom, she tells me to "take care of yourself" - I just tell her that I have to because no one else will do it and I am no good to others if I don't. Remember to take care of yourself.

Oct 1st - drum roll, please.

If any of you have been following along, then you will know why today is significant. Back in March, when my running partner asked me the most difficult question of what would I change about myself if I could change anything, and I answered I wanted to lose weight (originally 20 pounds then 30) by October 1st, never in my wildest dreams did I think this day would come. Many mornings, I pulled myself out of bed at 5am knowing she would be at my house. You have all read about how she would tell me when it was ok to stop and how she can't count to 10, with her "10 more steps" bit. Though I only run with her twice a week, somehow from somewhere, I found the desire and dedication to be a runner. I cannot explain where it came from. Never did I think I would be successful or fail at this goal, I just let it happen. This past week, I have been very aprehensive about our friendship ending because this goal is over and this is how we started to be friends. The weather is turning colder and my fear is that so would our friendship. She has become much more than a running partner to me, and she knows it, too. I believe I have become much more to her as well. I know that whether she was running beside me or not, she always believed in me. Even if I did not meet my weight loss goal, she would still believe in me. I have decided that I will continue to run as much as possible during the winter, and if need be, use my elliptical to keep in shape. I still have some weight to lose to be really be happy with the way I look, but this is a good start. Ok...here is the end result...as of this morning, I stepped on the scale and it was awesome. I had lost the 30 pounds plus a little more!!! Thank you for your support. Maybe I have motivated some of you to find that one thing you want to change about yourself and work towards that goal. Work hard...don't give up...believe you can. Have a wonderful weekend.

Old habits are hard to break

Yesterday, my thoughts were that I was glad I finished the Corporate Cup and wasn't last. Then, last night as I was doing my sit ups, the old Michelle started to creep in. I told my husband that I feel like I should have run better. I had said I would be happy with whatever my time was and really, I don't care what the numbers are. Yet...the always striving to be better, striving for perfection, Michelle came to the surface. Everyone has been very supportive and I know that this old way of thinking is not right, but it has been a part of who I am for over 41 years. It is very hard to just make it go away. Even now, my thoughts are how many situps and pushups do I need to do a day so I don't feel embarrassed like I did last week when I couldn't do any. I know I push myself more than anyone ever could. For so long, I gave up on being better because it was so overwhelming and I probably didn't know where to start. Now, I have started somewhere and it is taking me some place I never thought I would be. I am grateful everyday for this chance to be more than I ever dreamed and will use this opportunity to expand my horizons. In my heart, I know it is ok. The problem is that my brain keeps getting in the way. Story of my life.

Goal one - done!

Today, I participated in the Omaha Corporate Cup Run with my running partner. She made me promise to keep going and go as long as I could, so I did and ran at my own pace. We started the race together, but did not run together. I ran most of it, but still stopped when needed to and even my husband came down to support me. He tried to take pictures, but he did not see me in time. It was great to see him and I love his support. Before we got started, I was nervous, but could not even really determine why. It was not because I was nervous about what time I ran, or that I would slip in the rain. I could not identify this feeling, other than it was something new to me. I was glad that she decided to do it with me. I think I will run this every year, even if I am doing it by myself. I do know that I would not have just signed up to run it without the encouragement from my running partner. Regardless of how I did (for time), my goal was to finish (without needing medical attention) and now I can say I did it. Next, we run in the Race for the Cure in 2 weeks. That race is only half the distance so will go much quicker. I just hope the weather cooperates as today was chilly with a light misting of rain. I am still working on the sit up goal - doing a minimum of 20 a day with 10 push ups. I will keep pushing myself to get to each goal that I have set for myself. I felt good to get it done today. Remember, it starts today.

Back to reality

Ok...I am doing well with all of the running thing and this journey thing. Having a great day...then I get thrown back into reality. And frustration and disappointment. Some (if not all) of you know that I am working to lose 30 pounds by October 1st. You will have to check back then to see how I am doing, but based on the comments I have been receiving lately, I am doing well. Since that goal will be coming to an end in a couple of weeks, my running partner tells me we have new fitness goals. This year has been awesome so far and I have accomplished much with my spiritual growth, getting over fear, exercising on a regular basis,etc. One of these goals includes doing situps. We need to do 27 in 1 minute. Today, is our first crack at it. I eagerly await these new challenges with great confidence and expect to do decently, even mediocre would show something. Alas, I was wrong. I could not do 1 sit up. NOT ONE. It was a struggle even when she held my feet and I am confident it looked pretty pitiful. She might as well have knelt behind me and pushed my back. Failure...in front of her just about killed me. But she was supportive and awesome, like she always is. All day I would get mad and when I caught that I was doing it, I would then tell myself, "Get there!" I have come so far and now I am discouraged by a detour. Not a road block. So now, I have the goals on my computer at work along with a sticky that says, "Get there!" and they are also on my mirror at home. After work today, I came home and did 20 sit ups - with help from my cedar chest that was able to keep my feet on the ground. As I was doing them, I looked at my stomach. It has gotten smaller and I wonder if that has a bigger meaning. I shed what I did not need to keep. Everything that I was holding onto with my life before now has been with me, but not been necessary to live. But now, my stomach is not tone or strong. I need to build it back up now that I begun to focus my energy and attention on what must be with me to live. This reality check will keep me grounded and I have realized just how much more work I really need to do to get where I need to be. If I can, you can. Get there!