Apology

I was thinking that if you give an apology and you are unsure if it has been accepted, can you accept the apology you must give yourself? Can you move forward without knowing if the apology given has been accepted before you can accept the apology you must give yourself? If you forgive yourself before the other person has forgiven you, is that wrong? Does any of this even make sense? Do the words, "I forgive you" need to be said and heard or do you just assume that if things are moving along as if nothing happened that things are ok? I am asking because I do not have the answers to these questions and I have been asking myself these same questions after hurting someone I care for very much. I have apologized but do not know if it was accepted. I am unsure if I have been forgiven. Part of me is not sure how to proceed. Another side has seen "normalness", but I am not sure that it is because all has been forgotten and we are moving forward or just putting things to the side so we don't deal with them. That is easy to do and I get that. I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself and have been beating myself up since I realized that I had hurt that someone else. I did not mean to, but it happened and I cannot take it back. I know that now. I want things to go back to the way they were and will keep working on trying to make amends. I understand it may take time and am willing to wait. But what do I do in the meantime? I am not sure. I have never been very good at forgiving myself for failing to succeed at something or making a mistake that was witnessed by others. I just hope I am given a second chance to make things right. This quiet torture is something I must bear alone and am confident will make me better. But while I wait, I still wonder....

Love is...

Love is deep... Love is forgiveness... Love is holding on... Love is being there... Love is not keeping score... Love is honest... Love is saying what you need to say... Love is no regrets... Love is letting go of the past... Love is a smile... Love is faith... Love is acceptance... Love is trust... Love is a hug... Love is A & E... Love is difficult... Love is giving... Love is apologizing... Love is patient... Love is listening... Love is getting through... Love is strong... Love is life... Love is a CHOICE.

Right vs. Wrong

How many times does this dilema cross your path in any given day? I am talking about a certain thing, however. Have you ever felt like you made the right decision for the wrong reasons or made the wrong decision for the right reasons? For whatever reason, this thought came to me at 2:45am and then I could not get back to sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I decided something for the right reason. It made sense to me on one hand and not on another. But I had to decide. I was not prepared to not make a decision, because playing on the teeter-totter was not helping me. So I decided to be true to me and try to put myself first because not doing so was more painful. Even the person I shared this decision with did not understand why I needed to make it, but yet she understood. In part, I did not want to have to choose, but I did not think there was another way. Yesterday, I realized that I had made the wrong decision, but the reasons still made sense to me. I hate it when things come back to bite you in the ___. I am not a selfish person and constantly give to others as that truly makes me happy. When I give to others, I cannot think of myself. As I type this, I realized another thing...in making my decision, I was running. Because running was easy. I had removed myself from a situation that was painful for me to stay in, so my choice was to run. I had an out...it was given to me...and I chose to take it. Then, yesterday I was reminded of something else that helped me choose something else. So here I am backl at square one. But not really because I have already learned from making the wrong decision for the right reasons. There are times when the decisions we make cannot be explained (so they might look wrong), but we know they are right in our hearts. I have to apologize, even though it may not be needed or expected, for making the wrong decision and hope forgiveness will follow. Whenever this happens to us, make the amends that need to be done to make it better. I did not realize how ready I was to leave it all behind me, knowing it would not be something anyone wanted, but because it was easy. It is much more difficult to fight for something you want, even if you are not sure how it will work out. Today, I will make the right decision for the right reasons. I know it will be hard and I am not willing to give up.

Selfishness

Yes, I said it. It comes to every one of us and never comes when it is wanted. Yet, its power over us makes us do dumb things. Our only hope is that we can stop what we want to stop. How do we accept when others are selfish? Do we like it? Do we tell them that we don't like it? Even if we don't say the words, "You are being selfish", do we tell them in other ways? It is hard to not wonder why your feelings and every day activities don't seem to matter. We all have known someone who seems to start every conversation with, "I" and never asks you how you are and what is going on with you. I know I have been selfish lately in wanting a particular relationship to be different than what it is today. I have had expectations that have been followed by disappointment. I need to let go of that because otherwise it just wears me down and wears me out. I know I am being selfish because I am only thinking about what I want for me and am not taking into consideration how this other person feels. If really asked to decide between my feelings and what is best for this other person, then ultimately I want that person to be happy. Hands down. I know this person is in a new place and still trying to figure out some things also. I have wondered if staying away is the answer, meaning I am less of a distraction and that person can take care of what needs to be done. Maybe I am dumb for thinking or feeling this way and maybe no one else that is close to this person has said anything at all about the changes they have seen. I am sorry for being selfish and not putting this person first, but it is hard sometimes. When you feel like you do more for them than is being done for you? When you are not even how long it will go on? Is it wrong to want something for me? I haven't focused on me or anything I want for a long time, so maybe that is why it feels uncomfortable to me. No one likes to acknowledge that they are being selfish and when we acknowledge it for ourselves, we have to allow that forgiveness to follow. But that is hard, too. Remember that we all get there and hopefully all find a way to leave it too. As long as we are not selfish all the time, we can move ahead.

Your "BEST" self

This has come up in recent conversations in the morning when Rocky and I are out and it got me thinking. Why are we afraid to show the world our "best" self? Why is putting up walls and protecting more of our focus? Shouldn't we be willing to live our lives first and foremost, for us? Yet, we don't. We still believe other people's opinions before we believe our own. Why is it that we can totally be our "best" selves around some people and not others? The answer is very simple and one we probably would not like to admit - we are afraid and have been hurt before. Then, I started thinking about forgiveness and if these same people have hurt us, why don't we forgive them? Why is it easier to forgive some people and not others, even though the pain might have been just as grueling? I believe that I serve you and those around me and I am being my "best" self when I truly am just me. My heart sings (because I can't), my step is lighter (ok - maybe borderline skipping), and I am joyful. Truly joyful. I appreciate all that has been given to me and look forward to each new day as a gift. There are some people that I can just be my "best" me around and I don't think about it or label it. It just happens. I have visited more recently with women about where we are in our lives and why we think the way we do. We are so entrapped into our own web of shrugging off our dreams that we become complacent. We feel like we cannot stray too far and any slight movement in a totally opposite direction will be worse than if we had just stayed still. But that is no way to live. I existed that way for a very long time and although it is difficult to explain to my husband, I have to follow what my heart tells me to do. I have to always be my "best" self and be willing to take a lump here or there and fall because I will be better for it in the long run. Make this your goal today - be your "best" self in everything you do and everyone you see. It is not that hard because you know all the answers already and you have to trust them. Your attitude carries you through everything. Then, when the day is done, take a few minutes and look back and remember how you felt and how other people reacted to you. Why would you choose anything but that? I know you will smile when you give someone a compliment or a couple dollars to a complete stranger or you let someone use your phone because they are lost. You are your "best" self - but don't I deserve that? I deserve all that you are and will love it because it is what makes you you. BEST = Believe Everyone Stands True.

Expect too much

I expect too much of myself at times. Not because of external pressure, but because of self-imposed pressure. Trying to be too many things to too many people and I forget to put myself first sometimes. I need to remember to forgive myself when I do accomplish all that I set out to do and be glad of what I did get done. Do you ever do that? Why do we do that? Because women try to do it all. I noticed this when I was cleaning up the dishes (after I cooked dinner) and my kids disappeared to resume whatever video game or TV show they were watching before dinner and my husband read over the sport page. I was not feeling the best and was not at the top of my game, but still got through...doing what needed to get done. Even when I had some "free time" this week, I did not use it the way I should have and felt like a failure as I looked at that as a missed opportunity to accomplish some tasks that are desperately in need of attention. I have to remember that I am no go to others unless I take care of me first. How do we find the balance? We have to learn "70 x 7" - and mean it. Not just say it. Do you know what that means? They say it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. However long it takes us to forgive those that have hurt us, it takes us "70 x 7" times to forgive ourselves. That is sometimes easier said than done. I cannot go back and undo the time I lost, so I have to move ahead. Today is a new day with new hours that have been given to me and I need to use them the best I can. This week, I received an answer I have been waiting for over the last 6 months or so. Although it was not the answer I expected, it was an explanation. With this new information, I will adjust to what needs to be done and with that may come a few apologies to myself. I need to hear that it was ok that I fell short and I will pick it back up tomorrow or when I can. Don't expect too much -- chances are if you do, you will be disappointed. You need to be forgiven as much as the next person. You need to be willing to accept the apology, regardless of who is giving it.

Making amends

Making amends for possible wrongdoings can make things all better. Yesterday, I took the chance to apologize to someone that perhaps I didn't need to, but I did it anyway. After 20 some years, I said what I needed to say and even though it was better before I apologized, I felt better afterwards. Sometimes, we make decisions at the time that we need to make them and do not realize how those decisions might affect someone else. It was never talked about and probably long forgotten. But I had told Rocky that I felt that I needed to say I was sorry to someone for excluding them from certain events from my life a long time ago. I had decided back when I wrote my Life Statement that I would say what I need to say when I need to say it. I recently told someone that I was not sure if what I ever say to her is too much, but she knows exactly how I feel and what she means to me. She never doubts and I even asked if it was too much. She told me it was never too much. I try to make amends with those that I might have wronged and would gladly say, "I'm sorry." I wrote a card and gave her a little gift too and I have no regrets in doing so. The response I got was one of "I understand" and "It was a hard time." Do you have amends you need to make with those you care about? Are you willing to do that and go somewhere that you never thought possible? This year is about "WHY NOT?" - yesterday, I probably surprised this someone, but am glad I had the opportunity to make amends. Whether she thought they needed them or not, I am glad I did not miss that chance while I had it. Thanks, CL. We are better now than we probably ever have been.

Second chances

Everyone needs them. Sometimes, even when we don't deserve them. When we think there is no way that we could deserve them. I read something today that reminded me about second chances and wanted to share with you while I had it fresh in my head. Every time we make a mistake, every time we fall short, every time we hurt someone...there are second chances that can be had. I am not sure which is more difficult...the one asking for the second chance or the one giving it. When you are the one asking for it, you have come to the realization that you were wrong and that you have hurt someone you love. However, you also understand that you cannot change what has been done. You have to move forward. You have to try, anyway. You may come crawling on your knees, begging for forgiveness, and crying the entire time you are doing it. You are afraid that you will not get the chance to make amends, and that may be something you carry with you forever. Nothing makes a person more humble than asking for a second chance. You have made a choice to try to make things right as best as you can, with all that you are. On the other hand, if you are the person giving the second chance, then you have a choice still to make. You have to allow the person that hurt you or wronged you in someway to ask for the second chance. Once it has been asked, you can either tell them that they do not deserve it or forgive them. Sometimes, you want to do both. Because you are vulnerable and you still have pain and you want them to know, you are angry and full of questions that may never be answered. It may never make sense to you. It may not even make sense to them. But then, you have to decide...to let them go or hold on to them, in spite of being hurt. Inspite of crawling on your knees, begging to understand, and crying the entire time. Knowing that you may someday be the one asking for forgiveness. How much do you want that person to be in your life? Are you willing to fight for them, even if you makes you raw and vulnerable because you love them? Are you? When will you know when it is time to walk away, even if you haven't been hurt? Will it be clear to you or will you still wonder after you made your decision if it was the right one? Many times, we never know these answers ahead of time. I wish we did. You do not get a second chance at life - no do overs, no mulligans. You have one shot ONLY. What are you doing with your one shot? Doesn't every NBA star want to be able to slam dunk the ball? Isn't the biggest thing you can do in baseball is hit a grandslam? Are you living your life that way? Go for it all - always. No regrets. Think about second chances when they present themselves and follow your heart. It may be hard and nothing you would have guessed you needed, but it happened for a reason. To see what you are made of and how you will respond. Life has no second chances. Remember, your life started years ago and if you have not started living it yet, START TODAY!!!!!

Reminder of my old self

Tonight, I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I ran into an old friend that I probably had not seen in several years (maybe 3?) as she was looking for something in the organic aisle. I jokenly came up behind her and told her, "Don't eat that stuff, it will kill you!" No, I was not serious, but thought it was funny. Anyway, I visit with E and catch up on our families. She notices that I have lost weight and asks me what I did...I tell her that story and how Rocky got me going. Then, I tell her that I am sorry. I am sorry that for years, I did not share with her and our other BUNKO friends who I really was and had walls up all the time. I was reserved but friendly just enough to everyone there. She commented on how I was negative and sad all the time when I came to BUNKO, even when I won most of the time. Seriously, they had to change the rules because I won so many times in one night. I felt uncomfortable that I was so different now and that I missed out on so much with those people that were friends. I pulled away from them when I looked around the room and wondered which one of the these people would I call if something horrible happened in my life. Which one of these ladies would stop what they are doing in their busy lives, and be there for me? Not that I would even call one, but if I ever got the courage to call one, even one, which one? I would not have called even one. And the truth is that if I had needed to make that call, someone would have come. I did not even share with these ladies when my birthday was and we played BUNKO for about 4 years. That is pretty closed up, living in the vault. So when I turned 40, these same ladies even gave me a surprise, impromtu birthday party because they happened to find out that morning. I did not like the attention and even threatened to leave when I got to T's house. They didn't deserve that and they just wanted to celebrate me and I reluctently let them. I didn't get it then. I feel like I need to apologize to them. So, BUNKO babes - you know who you are. I am sorry for not letting you in and prejudging you based on my past. A past that you had no idea existed in a place I never went. Until this year. That was not your fault. You always gave me 100% of you and I never returned the favor, afraid of something that I had envisioned would happen in my mind. I was held captive of the fear of not thinking I could have friends who cared about me and enjoyed being with me. You deserved better and I wish I could fix it. Maybe someday. I shared with E where I am now, and she told me that I looked so happy and I gave her a big hug then we went our separate ways. It was so great to see her and I sent her a text telling her so. I am putting myself out there - telling her exactly what I was feeling at the time I was feeling it. I vowed to do that a year ago. I am not sure what E was thinking after I walked away, but I sensed that she might need someone to be there for her. I hope that somehow, she gets the message that I am here if she needs me. I hope that she forgives me for treating her less than I should have. I had forgotten what the old me was like, but got a glimpse of her today as I shared with an old friend. I sit here, shaking my head, thinking how pitiful it must have been trying to sell something that I was that I didn't even believe. You can't sell what you don't believe, regardless of what you want to sell. If someone asks you, "How are you?" too many times we offer up the minimum and try to sell it, but fail miserably at it. This ugly reminder of who I was disgusted me and I KNOW I am not going back to that old Michelle. She is gone forever. Who are you pretending to be? Finally, let you be you...it is too hard trying to be anyone else.

Regret and true forgiveness

I have noticed that I have been writing more frequently on the blog, than I usually do. Maybe it is related to the inability to get out and run, and my mind hasn't used up all it should in the hour of running I would do. The elliptical is only 30 minutes. That makes rational sense, doesn't it? I was visiting with my mom yesterday, and she started to reminisce about how she wished she was a better mother to me and my brother when we were younger. I told her that she did the best she could with the knowledge she had at the time. So did our dad, even though they divorced when we were very young. Too long of a story to get into now, but I believe that we can always wish we had done things differently. I told her that instead of saying she wished she was a "better" mother, she should say "different" mother. Different doesn't mean good or bad. My childhood was less than perfect and perhaps some of you can relate. Some of you might not be able to and that is ok too. Be patient with those of us that have things we have had to work through. Sometimes it takes longer than we think. I told my mom that I hold no grudges (grudges do you no good - keeps you holding onto the past) and that I have forgiven her. When I wrote "I give you permission", I actually wrote it for a co-worker, but did not realize how applicable it was to my own life until I read it out loud. A couple of weeks ago, I felt like I needed to apologize to a friend. Now, I did not tell her why because she would tell me that I didn't need to, but I need to do it for me. I simply told her, "I'm sorry" and all I asked her to say was, "It's ok." She did and I felt better. She still does not know why I needed that, but we all need forgiveness in our lives. True forgiveness is an awesome gift you can give to someone else, when they need it most. When you hear about a grieving mother who has lost her only child and she forgives the careless, intoxicated driver - that is true forgiveness. When you forgive, do you give it all from your heart or do you say it but don't mean it? It is very difficult to let go, but we have to forgive. Guilt can eat at you until the day comes when you are broken, sad, and unfulfilled. I just realized that today is the day we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr...someone who practiced great forgiveness in times of great anguish. I encourage you to truly forgive someone this week who might have done you wrong...let it go and know it is easier when it comes from your heart.