Simple things that mean the most

I love giving to others. It is one of those things that I do best. And my favorite way is to give without others knowing it was me, even though I know. I was smiling the other day when I was remembering leaving enough money at the coffee place for the next person to get their coffee that day for free. Last night, I was the recipient of such a simple and kind gesture. It still has me shaking my head wondering, "Why would someone do that for me?" Even though the action was not made by a complete stranger, those things don't happen to me and I question their meaning when I shouldn't. Sometimes it scares me and I want to run. Once I fight through all of the questions and actually let my head stop for a second, my heart gets a turn to let me see her side to everything. As I stop to breathe and let me guard down, that is when it hits me. Like a sack of bricks falling from a 3-story building, right upside my temple. That's when I fall...when I put down the walls and let it happen because it should and I accept that someone cares THAT much to take a few hours out of her day to help me. The question, "Would you do it for me?" when asked of me always gets a loud "YES." The admission that comes next sometimes is hard to swallow, but I know I have to let it come to me. I am better at giving than receiving. Always have been. I do not do the receiving of anything very well. Never have. Even though it doesn't happen like that for me. Even when I might regret saying too much right now. Even if moments from my past sometimes creep into my today. I am reminded of telling kids that when we give of ourselves without any expectations, we actually do get something in return. I also say that doing the smallest things that we might take for granted might just mean the world to someone else. The smallest, tiniest little things - words and actions - most of the time can mean the most. The choice is not mine to make and I have to let that choice be made. Even if I don't like it, but especially because someone wants to give to me. It is still processing right now. I have to find the the courage to let someone love me, but it is hard. But with the smallest of things, please know that it simply meant the world to me. Still does. Always will. Thank you.

When you just can't win

It isn't even about winning, but I am not sure of the right word. Have you ever had those moments when you do what you think is right and then for whatever reason, the rules change so it doesn't matter what you did in the first place? I know it sounds silly, but don't you want to just throw your hands up and say, "Whatever." It doesn't matter what I say, what I do, what my intention was. It is not enough and I don't know why. The rules keep changing. I remember having a boss who once told me that I would get promoted if I met these three criteria, which I did. Of course, when I brought that to her attention, she added a fourth. This went on for sometime, but got me very frustrated to where I could never win. It was never good enough. I am not one to toot my own horn, even when others have lined up to do it for me. It makes me think of trying to empty a boat with holes in it with a spoon. Maybe I never sink, but I never make any headway, either. These are the days when I question if it matters. Sometimes battles are not meant to be fought, but I will be the first one to tell you that if you are going to fight, make sure it is worth fighting for. Sometimes, people will tell me, "No" and I interpret that as "No, not right now." It is a way for me to keep trying and find a way to make it work. I do not believe that I have all the answers and nor do I believe that my answers are right. But at least I am willing to ask the questions. Maybe we can find the answers together. It's about being consistent and the rules remaining the same. "Frustration should create action, not make you want to give up." I know things are always changing, but really? I must look like a car chasing my tail half the time. How many of you have ever felt like you are going around in cirlces, heading in no direction? And when you try to make sense of it all, something out of nowhere gets you. We will be ok, as long as we are in it together. Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

What to do...

I was hoping today I would get more answers to the questions I have, yet that was not to be. Now, I have even more questions. Every scenario is playing out in my head and not sure what decision, if any, needs to made at this time. Not even sure that this is the right time to make such a decision. When I was asked a couple of weeks ago what my decision was going to be if this presented itself, I made it very clear what my decision would be. Now that I could be at that exact point, I question. I have to dig deep...I have to trust my heart...like never before. I have to be willing to lay it all out there, never sure of what tomorrow brings. I visited with an old friend today at lunch and it was so good to catch up with her. The funny thing is that we have actually known each other for years, but never really did anything socially like going to lunch before. It was nice to see J and hear what was going on in her life and share what was new in mine. Later, I sent her a text telling that it was a great lunch and she told me that I make her smile...I told her that was easy. I like easy. I read recently that nothing makes you feel better than knowing that the smile someone gives to you is probably a result of you giving them one (or something like that). I know that the answers are there for me...if I let them appear. But I have to be willing to accept them for what they are, even if I am afraid. It is hard to let go and wonder. I asked for signs all day today, hoping that the answers would come. So far, I have not seen any, but will definetely keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe they will come tomorrow when I run. Sometimes, that doesn't help - I end up with more questions. I have to have faith and believe in something not yet secure or definite. That can be hard to do. I have to believe it in order for others to believe in it. Wish me luck...stay tuned for more later. Have a wonderful evening.

Not One More Thing

There is so much that we do during our normal, everyday lives that sometimes we think that we cannot do one more thing. This was brought to my attention by a friend who was feeling like she had had it. We are overwhelmed and tired and want to just stop thinking about everyone else. We forget to think about us, but we need to make sure we take time for us. Not the spouse, not the kids, not the house, not the job (you get the picture). We put everything else in front and we take the backseat. We need to remember that we are no good to the spouse, the kids, the house, or the job if we do not take care of us. Not that we should put us first all of the time because we can't. When we are feeling like there is no room for that one more thing, we need to remind ourselves that it is just a test. Like all tests, they eventually end. How we handle unforseen troubles and stress will determine what else comes before you. Be strong and follow your heart. We are very confident in our passions and beliefs. Our convictions are what drives us to function well in every day life. Because of that, we can handle one more thing...we just may not want to. But we do because we are women who are following this path to being greater than ever imagined.