When the tears come

Has this ever happened to you? When you crumble and weep and hope that there is someone there to hold you? When for whatever reason, you find yourself ready to cash it all in and not even sure how to stop it, but it comes anyway? When something you hope for so long will finally be yours, but not sure that what you give to it will be enough? You feel lost and not even sure what prompted it, but it takes you there and you have to go through it. Everything you trust, all that you love, and with complete conviction, you find yourself crying like you have never cried before. You are not even afraid of what it may look like or what comes your way because of it, but find yourself more vulnerable and raw than you can remember. You let the tears fall where they do and you have no choice but to let them stain the shoulder they gently come to rest upon. The way you lay it all out there with no ways to retrace your steps, you admit that you choose to take that chance of letting someone else see you at your weakest moment. You let go of whatever it is that has driven you to this point and upon its release and the comfort you found in sharing this, you realize that you needed this to happen. It was meant to. This had a purpose in your life and you embrace it with all of its grace that comes to you going forward. As much as I would prefer to be the one with the stained shoulder, I have also been the one to be staining the shoulder. We will have our time to be both from time to time. Just admit it...the tears will come...let them do their job and cleanse us from whatever needs to be shed. Thank you for being my shoulder. I am glad I was yours.

Missing someone

My dad posted this quote on facebook and I love it..."Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you last talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right by your side." Has this ever happened to you? Oh, my gosh...this happens to me alot. Maybe too much. Maybe I let it. But I do not think I have ever reacted to things like I do now. But when something good and exciting happens, you want to share it. On the other hand, when something hits you like a school bus, you need to share it. Why do we miss it when someone isn't there? When they cannot pick up the phone? Usually it is not because they don't want to, but they just can't right at that moment. I know sometimes I am afraid I will forget to tell that person. Yes, people, there is alot going on upstairs. Plus, it just doesn't feel the same when your adrenaline subsides to near normal levels. Emotion gets you pumped up or mad, depending on the situation. I know that I exude excitement and passion when I call Rocky and tell her about some crazy idea I have. When we let our hearts soar or let our souls weep, we are there in that moment. And when you call someone at "that exact moment", you know it will be as if they are right by your side. Where they would want and need to be. Because they love you. It is a moment you cannot get back and sharing that moment with someone allows you to share it together. And if you are together, then you cannot miss each other.

Simple things that mean the most

I love giving to others. It is one of those things that I do best. And my favorite way is to give without others knowing it was me, even though I know. I was smiling the other day when I was remembering leaving enough money at the coffee place for the next person to get their coffee that day for free. Last night, I was the recipient of such a simple and kind gesture. It still has me shaking my head wondering, "Why would someone do that for me?" Even though the action was not made by a complete stranger, those things don't happen to me and I question their meaning when I shouldn't. Sometimes it scares me and I want to run. Once I fight through all of the questions and actually let my head stop for a second, my heart gets a turn to let me see her side to everything. As I stop to breathe and let me guard down, that is when it hits me. Like a sack of bricks falling from a 3-story building, right upside my temple. That's when I fall...when I put down the walls and let it happen because it should and I accept that someone cares THAT much to take a few hours out of her day to help me. The question, "Would you do it for me?" when asked of me always gets a loud "YES." The admission that comes next sometimes is hard to swallow, but I know I have to let it come to me. I am better at giving than receiving. Always have been. I do not do the receiving of anything very well. Never have. Even though it doesn't happen like that for me. Even when I might regret saying too much right now. Even if moments from my past sometimes creep into my today. I am reminded of telling kids that when we give of ourselves without any expectations, we actually do get something in return. I also say that doing the smallest things that we might take for granted might just mean the world to someone else. The smallest, tiniest little things - words and actions - most of the time can mean the most. The choice is not mine to make and I have to let that choice be made. Even if I don't like it, but especially because someone wants to give to me. It is still processing right now. I have to find the the courage to let someone love me, but it is hard. But with the smallest of things, please know that it simply meant the world to me. Still does. Always will. Thank you.

Take time to remember....

Life happens so fast. I remember one of my sons saying that his present life is like a video or DVD - happening in real time and his past are comprised of snapshots of what his memory affords him. Some things we remember, others we do not because we were too young or because of our advancing age, we are now too old. Ironic, isn't it? One of my ways to preserve those "snapshots" is through scrapbooking. I have not done it in some time as new projects and other priorities have recently taken most of my time. I will get back into it soon as I am several years behind, and get more behind as the minutes and days go by. That, I cannot change or stop. We also like to share stories of when the boys were little that they do not remember and now they have those stories to share with their friends and their kids, too. We also tell them about when we were dating and how we met so they know that story. I think it is important to tell stories of our past. It reminds of where we were. Now, some memories might bring pain and sorrow and it may take you back there, but that is not a bad thing. It happened. You felt. It's over. You are not. Other great things have happened as well. We love those "snapshots." Our yesterdays have been combined to bring us where we are...right now. There are things that I never want to forget and so I try to remember them, even if I think they are dumb and no one understands why. Sometimes, they make me cry and others make me laugh. I often remember where I was when something was decided or done. I have a list of such things, events, and funny sayings and although a certain song inspired it, the list keeps growing. In fact, I hope that I can keep adding to the list for a very long time. That list is my little "scrapbook" of memories and sometimes I need to take time to remember every now and then. Do you take time to remember? Really allow yourself to go back in time and feel that memory? I have found that certain words or a song might trigger a memory and then my emotions come to the surface...I find tears welling up more often than they used to, that's for sure. Your connection to those special pieces will always be with you and your reason for being is forever tied to them. Share your memories with others and your story will be forever be instilled in the people that are closest to you. I once asked someone if she would remember me...I know she will. Today, this posting is about those people, events, and places that are forever a part of you. They are what make you YOU. Remember who you are and the sum of the memories that brought you to today.