More afraid of not...

I was watching a movie over the holiday weekend and heard a phrase similar to this one and it struck me as something that I needed to explore more. I used to live with fear and being afraid of living for a very long time. It always appeared to me that if there was something good or bad that could happen, the bad seemed to be the one that should up more often. So what did I learn? That if I took chances, I usually lost. Seriously. So, I didn't take them. I became conditioned to play it safe. To not make waves. To do what was expected of me. To follow the rules already written for me. Here is where I am right now...I am more afraid of NOT following my heart than of not. It hurts more to sit and do nothing than to write these words, maybe thinking they might impress themselves on someone else and therefore, make a difference. Being scared has created a shell that I lived in to follow the norm and live under the radar. Now, I am out there...taking chances that may include some skinned up knees and some failings. But I will have the scars to prove that I tried. That I was there. That I stood for something. That I took chances despite the failings and I picked myself back up to go back for more. That I never gave up and kept fighting for what I loved and treasured most. Are you afraid? Why aren't you shaking so much in your boots that you KNOW that keeping still and staying silent is no longer for you. Let your heart breathe. Feel the pure joy that others can bring to you, if you let them. Open up and stay strong, even when you want to run. Be afraid of monotony and spice things up a bit with new knowledge and unknown travels yet to be discovered. Be afraid. I have been given a mission with no itinerary and no final destination. I do not know how I will get there, but will expand what I share with others so as to make this world better. I have to...it is what calls to me. I cannot ignore it and it becomes almost self-propelled with all of the force of an avalanche barreling down a snow covered mountainside. But it is not destructive; it is constructive. I am more afraid of doing nothing than I am of standing still...even if I am smack-dab right in the middle of that same mountainside.

On your mark, get set, GO!

Who hasn't played a game when they were younger when this is how you started every race? Yesterday, I was told that my advice is good but that it takes action to make things different. I agreed with that statement. If we are satisified enough (about anything - government, our job pay, our marriage), then we will continue to look around any imperfections because it does not mean enough to change anything. That is the status quo. No ruffling feather, no tipped apple carts, etc. However, when you get to that point (and that point is different for everyone), where you are no longer able to ignore the things that make us unhappy (a marriage, bad working conditions, etc), then that is where you make changes. Sometimes those changes are difficult ones where people might get hurt. Maybe there is a lot of uncertainty and the fear of the unknown. We all have that. But if you are at that point, when you know you cannot go back or stay still, then moving forward is your ONLY choice, even with the unknown in front of you. We don't have all of the answers, and do not think I do. I don't. But if with every decision we made, thinking with everything we have in our gut - right at that moment - that it was the right one. So we make it. Maybe we have regrets about it later, but maybe we forgive ourselves about it because we have to in order to move on. Don't get land-locked and feeling like there is no way out. There is a way out, but it may mean it will not be easy. Nothing is ever just given to you...you have to earn it and that is why achieving any goal is so much sweeter when it was something you can look back and say, "I deserve that." So, people of planet Earth - I implore you to do something different today...expand your horizons...reach for something you think is just out of reach...ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!!!

So, I was thinking...

I know that is a scary thought. Please do not be too alarmed. In hindsight, I have posted about wondering how I got to "here" and how my life has changed. But today, I was thinking if I could even imagine what my life would be like if it had stayed the same as it was almost 20 months ago. I would still probably be 35 pounds heavier, slowly crawling through the episodes of life, and you would never would have read one word from this blog. Not one. As much as I try to imagine what it would be like going back (or still living) my old life, it is almost impossible. Unfathonable. Seriously? Seriously. Things are so different now...for the good...that I am not sure that I could ever really picture me being here right now...living my old life. Being the person I USED to be. Feeling the way I USED to feel. Living the way I USED to live. I am very confident when I say that I know Rock would not be here and I would not have opened my heart to her and the many other wonderful people that I have let see the real me. It would not have happened. I finally got over having regrets and everything that went with them - whether it was saying things and wishing I could take it back to not following my heart when it's beat was so loud it left a pounding echo in its wake. I change every day...I recommit to this life and all that it will bring my way, whether it is good or bad as things happen as they are meant to. I search for the strength and courage to do things I never thought about, let alone think they were possible. Now, there are no barriers that will stop me. There are no words that will make me question what I am setting out to do and who I am meant to be. No, I just cannot think I could imagine my old life and me being in it. Sure, I cannot undo what has been done, but I can make it better. I can at least try, anyway. That is what I am determined to do. Even if I fail and am not sure how to fix it. With the understanding that my life will never be the same again. Ever.