Tuesday, September 28, 2010

To be a bud or to be a BLOOM!

As I continue to grow in my ever anticipated yearning for life, I came across another quote that seems to sum everything up. I am paraphrasing, but simply said, "it is more painful to risk to be a bud than than the risk is to bloom." That got me thinking...when you see a bed of flowers just as they are emerging from the soil in spring, do we stop to think that the flowers are doing what they are intended to do? Do they wait until another flower pops its head or start to open? No, each flower is meant to bloom at a particular time, when it is right for that flower - that is its purpose. Have you ever tried to fence in a flower or shrub? Guess what happens? The foliage starts reaching for more and moving around obstacles put in their way makes the flowers choose another direction to grow. Like a detour sign on the highway. So many times, we try to fence ourselves in and try not to bloom because we don't want to be ahead of the other "flowers". But, that is not what we were meant to do. We are designed to bloom. Fear keeps us from many things - yet the flower knows no fear. If it knew a storm was coming that would potentially damage all that was beautiful about it, it would still bloom. It would not hole back into the ground where it would be safe and then grow again when the coast was clear. The more we are cautious and reserved, the less we live to our full potential. We have all seen those flowers that only part of it seems to grow the way it was supposed to and the then the rest of it just looks kind of odd, like it is not the way it is supposed to be. What usually happens is that those end up in the trash. We have to extended all of our petals, with the pistal (our heart)exposed ready to give it our all, without fear of what the other flowers are doing. All we can be is who we are, as God intended. So, I say, today, let's do our thing...and BLOOM!!!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Is It Ever Enough?

My striving to be better than I was before will be (and has been) a never ending struggle for me most of my life. As much as perfection is just out of reach, it is certainly something I still attempt. I constantly challenge myself to find ways to have done something different, usually better, than what it really turned out. By doing this, I never stop to think about what I did accomplish and be proud of that feat. I shy away from people saying they are proud of me, and think to myself, it wasn't good enough for my standards. When will it ever be enough? Still something I need to work on. Keep trying...we will get there together.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Old habits are hard to break

Yesterday, my thoughts were that I was glad I finished the Corporate Cup and wasn't last. Then, last night as I was doing my sit ups, the old Michelle started to creep in. I told my husband that I feel like I should have run better. I had said I would be happy with whatever my time was and really, I don't care what the numbers are. Yet...the always striving to be better, striving for perfection, Michelle came to the surface. Everyone has been very supportive and I know that this old way of thinking is not right, but it has been a part of who I am for over 41 years. It is very hard to just make it go away. Even now, my thoughts are how many situps and pushups do I need to do a day so I don't feel embarrassed like I did last week when I couldn't do any. I know I push myself more than anyone ever could. For so long, I gave up on being better because it was so overwhelming and I probably didn't know where to start. Now, I have started somewhere and it is taking me some place I never thought I would be. I am grateful everyday for this chance to be more than I ever dreamed and will use this opportunity to expand my horizons. In my heart, I know it is ok. The problem is that my brain keeps getting in the way. Story of my life.

Monday, September 20, 2010

New favorite quote

Good morning...I started to re-read Mark Nepo's, "The Book of Awakening - Having the life you want by being present in the life you have" over the weekend. Within the first few pages, I found a new favorite quote by Helen Luke - "The coming to consciousness is not a discovery of some new thing; it is a long and painful return to that which has always been." I find this extremely significant that all this time, as I have travelled this journey, I kept thinking I was finding new things. Truth is - it has always been with me. I either never looked for it, hid it, or forgot it was there. I am more resolved to being who I need to be than I have ever been. It is what drives me to be better, more focused, and dedicated to really being who I was intended to be. The process continues to amaze me at times with the ways that I feel about situations and people. I know this will only get better. Have a wonderful week!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Goal one - done!

Today, I participated in the Omaha Corporate Cup Run with my running partner. She made me promise to keep going and go as long as I could, so I did and ran at my own pace. We started the race together, but did not run together. I ran most of it, but still stopped when needed to and even my husband came down to support me. He tried to take pictures, but he did not see me in time. It was great to see him and I love his support. Before we got started, I was nervous, but could not even really determine why. It was not because I was nervous about what time I ran, or that I would slip in the rain. I could not identify this feeling, other than it was something new to me. I was glad that she decided to do it with me. I think I will run this every year, even if I am doing it by myself. I do know that I would not have just signed up to run it without the encouragement from my running partner. Regardless of how I did (for time), my goal was to finish (without needing medical attention) and now I can say I did it. Next, we run in the Race for the Cure in 2 weeks. That race is only half the distance so will go much quicker. I just hope the weather cooperates as today was chilly with a light misting of rain. I am still working on the sit up goal - doing a minimum of 20 a day with 10 push ups. I will keep pushing myself to get to each goal that I have set for myself. I felt good to get it done today. Remember, it starts today.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Back to reality

Ok...I am doing well with all of the running thing and this journey thing. Having a great day...then I get thrown back into reality. And frustration and disappointment. Some (if not all) of you know that I am working to lose 30 pounds by October 1st. You will have to check back then to see how I am doing, but based on the comments I have been receiving lately, I am doing well. Since that goal will be coming to an end in a couple of weeks, my running partner tells me we have new fitness goals. This year has been awesome so far and I have accomplished much with my spiritual growth, getting over fear, exercising on a regular basis,etc. One of these goals includes doing situps. We need to do 27 in 1 minute. Today, is our first crack at it. I eagerly await these new challenges with great confidence and expect to do decently, even mediocre would show something. Alas, I was wrong. I could not do 1 sit up. NOT ONE. It was a struggle even when she held my feet and I am confident it looked pretty pitiful. She might as well have knelt behind me and pushed my back. Failure...in front of her just about killed me. But she was supportive and awesome, like she always is. All day I would get mad and when I caught that I was doing it, I would then tell myself, "Get there!" I have come so far and now I am discouraged by a detour. Not a road block. So now, I have the goals on my computer at work along with a sticky that says, "Get there!" and they are also on my mirror at home. After work today, I came home and did 20 sit ups - with help from my cedar chest that was able to keep my feet on the ground. As I was doing them, I looked at my stomach. It has gotten smaller and I wonder if that has a bigger meaning. I shed what I did not need to keep. Everything that I was holding onto with my life before now has been with me, but not been necessary to live. But now, my stomach is not tone or strong. I need to build it back up now that I begun to focus my energy and attention on what must be with me to live. This reality check will keep me grounded and I have realized just how much more work I really need to do to get where I need to be. If I can, you can. Get there!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Magnitude of doing nothing

I know...I am on a roll. Two in one day. Watch out, world. She is up and ready to take you on. There are many times that I write inspirations to myself and put them in my spiral notebook, and forget to post them here. I have a friend (yeah, it is sad - only one :-)) who is trying to find the courage to take a chance in her life. Yesterday, I wrote a few things down and gave it to her on a folded up piece of notebook paper, like I was handing her a note in school. I thought it was funny after I gave it to her. However, when she unfolded it, it unfolded to these words - "The magnitude of doing nothing to fullfill our purpose is far greater than any pursuing we take to fullfill that same purpose." I wrote that on February 25, 2010. One week after meeting her. I really did not fold the paper so that would be what she sees first, it was really the way I crammed it into my pocket. I have to acknowledge that up until January 2010, I have been existing, not living. Really living...there is a difference between just showing up and being ready to play. For so many years, I think I was just showing up, hoping that it would be good enough. Now, I am ready to play. It seemed to work for the last 41 years. It took someone to really believe in me - and with nothing to gain for herself - for me to believe in me. Doing nothing serves no one and is easy. Anyone can do nothing, but it is a huge price to pay. It takes courage and strength to do more and determine what needs to be done. Take the leap today and BE READY TO PLAY!!

Think vs. Feel

I know I have not written in a good week or so. Lots going on, but just have not had time to sit and write. I started reading another book, in my spare time, that is very insightful. A friend is having a tough week and hence that is why I am up at 4:15am typing this. I would have gotten up at 4:45am anyway. I have been very logical (like Spock) most of my life. My head ruled every decision I made - which was done after each possible solution and consequence was evaluated. I know, it was boring, but this way there was also nothing left to chance. I could control my surroundings and keep my distance. This process, this journey, and especially these last few days, my heart has been coming to the surface more and more. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of a friend - I am never vulnerable, not even in front of my husband. He would not know how to respond unless it was something he understood (like a death). The one time I was upset because of nice words expressed by our son are a perfect example. This wonderful woman knows how difficult it was for me. Us women need to let out our emotions and laugh if we need to...hug if we need to...cry if we need to. I probably have not had tears come to my eyes really since March. Even those were short lived. Now, the words of a song that has significance can bring the tears. The one that does it now is, "Will you Remember me?" by Sarah Mclachlan. We get caught up in doing what is expected of us because we think about what needs to get done and how much people are relying on us, etc. Sometimes, we have to "Let the River Run" by Carly Simon. We have to let the "heart rule the brain" and really FEEL. Hearing someone tell you that they are proud of you and that they believe in you will bring the waterworks as well. We need to not try to plan out every detail - follow our hearts and our brains will come along also.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Unbelievable

Today was like any other day, but things I did not expect happened. One of my co-workers told me today that she reads this everyday. Every day. I started to tell her something, but she already knew because I had added it to my blog. She made my day. I ran into another woman that I usually only work with a couple months a year as I was running an errand on my lunch hour. We visited a little and I again had no issues sharing with her about my weight loss (she noticed) and the life changes I have made as well. I think it surprised her, but also she wanted the blog information and seemed very grateful that I shared it with her. I titled this post as "unbelievable" mostly because everything I write and share with you is personal, vulnerable, and for my benefit as I travel this road of life. Sometimes, I will stop and think that this is not all about me. Since I have "readers" looking for new inspiration and hope, I pray that you feel the courage to try something new and appreciate your journey as well. Although I do not have preconceived goals about what this sharing will do for me, I hope you find comfort and humor in the way that I share my struggles, my excitement, and passion for this new found life. Maybe you find some similarities that you can associate with and realize that we have more in common than we think. I also saw another friend who I have missed (we will need to have lunch soon) and feel so free. This year, I have let go of so many fears and some were pretty deep. Some that I didn't know I had hidden for so long or so deep that when they came to the surface it was something I had never experienced before. Like when you take time to really concentrate and take a deep breath. That release, that sense of relief is so awesome. It is truly unbelievable.

Do you live in a vault?

I did...for too many years. That word was brought up in conversation yesterday as I shared lunch with two gals from work. Our paths do not cross but for every once in a while, and not on a regular basis and certainly not long enough to get past the polite, "How are you?" "Good." "Talk to you later" bits of conversation that have occured in the past. Now back to the vault - it was mentioned that what was said between us is like a vault. Today, that has me thinking...the purpose of a vault is to keep things safe, to be used when needed, but mostly to keep unwanted things and people out. How many banks do you see with the vault sitting wide open? None! Sometimes, it can be difficult for us to show our true colors and as I shared this journey I have been on with these friends yesterday, I am sure that at least one of them was surprised by how her perception of me was different than how I truly am. I know I have lived too long in a vault. Savings things for a rainy day, not even really hoping that that day would come. By doing so, I could control who came into my vault and how far they would be allowed to come. Since I have let me guard down and have really started to let myself be who I am, I have been rewarded ten times over. These two ladies are no exception - there are several people at work (primarily) that have been willing to share more of themselves as I share more of myself. My true self. The vault will always be there, but be willing to open the door more than just when you need it. Open it more than just a crack. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really be engaged in your life. Living your life is not a passive term - it is active, continuous, and changing. Have a wonderful weekend!