When you just can't win

It isn't even about winning, but I am not sure of the right word. Have you ever had those moments when you do what you think is right and then for whatever reason, the rules change so it doesn't matter what you did in the first place? I know it sounds silly, but don't you want to just throw your hands up and say, "Whatever." It doesn't matter what I say, what I do, what my intention was. It is not enough and I don't know why. The rules keep changing. I remember having a boss who once told me that I would get promoted if I met these three criteria, which I did. Of course, when I brought that to her attention, she added a fourth. This went on for sometime, but got me very frustrated to where I could never win. It was never good enough. I am not one to toot my own horn, even when others have lined up to do it for me. It makes me think of trying to empty a boat with holes in it with a spoon. Maybe I never sink, but I never make any headway, either. These are the days when I question if it matters. Sometimes battles are not meant to be fought, but I will be the first one to tell you that if you are going to fight, make sure it is worth fighting for. Sometimes, people will tell me, "No" and I interpret that as "No, not right now." It is a way for me to keep trying and find a way to make it work. I do not believe that I have all the answers and nor do I believe that my answers are right. But at least I am willing to ask the questions. Maybe we can find the answers together. It's about being consistent and the rules remaining the same. "Frustration should create action, not make you want to give up." I know things are always changing, but really? I must look like a car chasing my tail half the time. How many of you have ever felt like you are going around in cirlces, heading in no direction? And when you try to make sense of it all, something out of nowhere gets you. We will be ok, as long as we are in it together. Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

Wild week...and it is only Wednesday

On Monday, I told you about how a dear friend surprised me and reconnected with me after a hiatus from life. Then, I stopped by her house, unannounced the next morning. I think she was glad I stopped by and we chatted more about what happened and what we need to do to get back to where we want to be. We had a nice visit and it still felt very natural and not awkward. She asked me to give her another chance - a chance to make it up to me and even though we cannot go back, she wishes she could. It was good to see her and there are reminders of her everywhere. I cannot wear things she gave to me or write in a book she wrote in for me because they remind me of her. I told her that I still have a little doubt, but don't want to put the walls back up. I spent a lifetime building them and do not want to spend another lifetime putting them back up. Last night, I am working and start thinking about what I want for my dream and inquire with the kids I am with about an idea I have and they kind of get excited about it, but I never really tell them anything specific. I have put my dream and writing to the side and have not worked on any of it. I have not felt the passion about accomplishing more. One of the kids I was with last night kind of lost it and threatened me in a physical way, and I was left with no choice but to call law enforcement. He kept telling me that he did not have any potential and I talked with him for about 10 minutes about that I believe in every kid and will always believe in them. Then, something happened and he got very agressive and angry. On top of that, with all of those emotions, I was called in and am on a jury for the next three days. Do you ever have days like this? Where it just seems like it all comes at you at once, and there is no time to even breathe? I went out this morning, with the anticipation to run and didn't really and came home after not even doing half of my route. My heart wasn't in it. My heart has been tossed around, pulled from one emotion to another, and then there is everyday life thrown in on top of it all. I don't even know what to do next. Part of me feels like I am spinning out of control, but really just going with things as they come. Tonight is a night when I need to be reminded that every situation I faced this week could have been worse, as tough as it has been. My friend could still be hiding out, that kid could've hit me, and everything else. Sometimes, I need to take a step back and just breathe. Tomorrow is another day and I have yet to find out what will come of that. Enjoy your night!

Is It Ever Enough?

My striving to be better than I was before will be (and has been) a never ending struggle for me most of my life. As much as perfection is just out of reach, it is certainly something I still attempt. I constantly challenge myself to find ways to have done something different, usually better, than what it really turned out. By doing this, I never stop to think about what I did accomplish and be proud of that feat. I shy away from people saying they are proud of me, and think to myself, it wasn't good enough for my standards. When will it ever be enough? Still something I need to work on. Keep trying...we will get there together.