Friday, December 31, 2010

Doubt

I do not remember if I have ever talked about how much I dislike doubt. When doubt creeps into our heads, we question everything. We second guess things we didn't think twice about before. Sometimes, that doubt comes from a gut feeling about something we are unsure of and teeter-totter back and forth about what we should do. Other times, doubt comes from something external. Something someone said, a gesture that was made, or some other sign that we interpret to be a negative one. Something like that was made earlier this week and it has been bothering me every since. I had done something that I was very comfortable with that made me vulnerable. I was very comfortable with my decision until I interpreted something a friend said so I changed my decision. Soley based on her comment. I trust her completely, so of course, I value her opinion. However, I also feel like I need to be true to myself and my original feelings about my decision. One person told me that I should go back to my original decision, but have DOUBT. Here is the irony of this post...I was visiting with a 14 year old daughter of a co-worker yesterday and I told her to not let outside sources influence our decisions or our feelings. I became a hypocrite at that moment and didn't like that either. What to do...what to do...Too many times we question when we should just go and do what our heart tells us to, but we take time to stop and think. Go with your gut - that is usually the best anyway, or so the story goes.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Can one person change the world?

This thought came to me on my vacation as I was running along the beach in Cancun. As I was focused on my run, I noticed a guest of the resort taking his time to pick up trash that had either been left on the beach or washed ashore. His actions stopped me in my tracks as I processed what I was seeing. His selfless act of taking his time to do something that perhaps others might not ever notice that would make the world better. Do you believe that YOU have the power to make such an impact on others? I believe we all do. Look at Oprah - 25 years ago, she was just another talk show host like Phil Donahue (before Dr. Phil) and Sally Jesse Rafael. Now, people cannot say her name without thinking of what she will do next. What project is she involved in, what book will she recommend, what celebrity will come and stand on her couch, etc. She was not satisfied with the status quo or said, "It is what it is" and has changed the world we live in. We are can inspire each other to be more, to do more, to give more, to love more. We should not settle for anything in life. If we want something different, then we have to be willing to work for that change. More homework - how can you change your life to impact the world? Now, the world does not have to mean the whole world - it always starts smaller. No one ever changed the whole world in one day. In fact, it is still a work in progress. Believe in yourself, follow your heart, and keep yearning for better and accept different. Nothing experienced is ever as you expect it anyway. Most times, in reality it is better. Enjoy the life you have been given and welcome it with open arms and treasure every day. Smile more, feel more and show it. You are one person and you have a purpose. Never, never, never, never give up. Every day, strive to make today better than yesterday, because before we know it, tomorrow will be here. Together, we can change the world.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Refreshed and feel groovy!

I hope this finds everyone safe, warm, and with loved ones during this wonderful holiday season. Our family just returned from a (much needed) vacation and enjoyed our Christmas Day as well with my mom. Next weekend, we will be off to the in-laws for a visit. This vacation was the first one in a very long time where relaxing on the beach for 8 hours was what we intended to do and therefore, the perfect day. Our boys would stop by and check in, get something to eat and head back to the pool. I highly recommend a visit to the Cancun, Mexico area for everyone. In fact, we are already planning another trip back there within 5 years. I got up and ran 3 times on the beach at sunrise - which was absolutely breathtaking. Every time, I wished Rocky was with me - she would have loved the view and seeing the sun come up on the horizon is one of my favorite memories from this trip. One friend dared me not to run, so I guess I lost on that one. She knew I would not be able to resist. We also included somethings into our vacation that I might had been a little nervous about (ziplining from tower to tower high above the jungle), but I did it and loved every minute of it. I am not sure what my attitude towards those new experiences would have been a year ago, but I sure enjoyed it this past week. I felt alive, with no worries, and loving every minute each new day would bring. Fear was not something that I felt as I climbed down three stories into a fresh water cave to swim. You can see the absolute joy on my face in some of the pictures. I am home now, getting ready to head back to work tomorrow and anxiously awaiting life's new quirks with open arms. I hope that your New Year brings you much joy as you celebrate your life and the story it tells to those around you. When you are not at your best, remember that you are loved, treasured, and mean the world to at least one other person, but usually more than we think. Be refreshed and take time to also laugh and be groovy, too. Life is more fun that way. Happy Holidays.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Not my problem

Now, before you go to another page, hear me out. I came up with this phrase about 2 years ago when my oldest son was a senior in high school. I was trying (I thought) to encourage and guide him on the things he needed to do to submit applications for college, complete scholarships, schedule trips to schools, etc. His attitude always seemed like, "I'll get to it when I get to it." It made me want to seriously hurt him (I didn't). But once I took a step back and I realized that his future was not my problem, my life was so much easier. As parents, our job was just about over and ultimately, his future should mean more to him than it does to us. That is when I came up with this phrase - "Not my problem." It was so liberating. I had let go of all of the anxiousness that I had been carrying, but it wasn't mine to carry. Anyway, I have shared that with everyone who had asked how the senior year went. Here's how small the world is...in the spring of 2009, I had told a fellow baseball mom about "Not my problem." I don't see her very much, but she is always fun to talk to. when I do see her. Then, almost a year ago, I meet Rocky, and eventually her mom. I mention to her mom about that I know Rocky's sister (the baseball mom), but never knew they were sisters. Seriously? They really don't look alike at all. Anyway, her mom starts telling me that baseball mom says, "Not my problem" all the time and she has always wondered where she got it from. I tell her from me. Now, you may be asking yourself, what is the point of this post? If you haven't picked up on it yet, I work with kids and sometimes get an opportunity to visit with them about stuff going on in their lives. A few months ago, a young man and I had such a visit. He is in the middle of a horrible custody battle between his parents, which has affected him on most levels. Anyway, I had made a point to tell him that his parents's problems were not his problems, so he needed to focus on taking care of himself. Here is where it gets interesting...yesterday, when he was in court, he told the Judge that! He said, "Their problems are their problems. It is not my problem." Now, only he and I know that we had that conversation, but I could not stop thinking about it, so I wrote about it. There are signs everywhere, guiding us where we need to go and do. I think this is telling me I might be on the right track. Have a wonderful weekend. I am not sure that I will get to post before the holiday, but wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. If this is what 2010 has been like, I wonder what 2011 will be about!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Asking for HELP just about killed me!

I have been an independent person since about 9th grade, when because of circumstances I decided to take care of everything myself. I have mentioned previously that I do not like to rely on other people because I viewed it as a sign of weakness. I even have my husband trained so well that he does not offer to help anymore - I have to ask for it. Last week, I was looking up something from the internet and saw a side article titled, "Top 5 reasons women don't like to ask for help." Needless to say, I read the article which went on to say that we do not like to feel that we are inadequate or helpless since we are used to taking care of it all. I call it the Wonder Woman syndrome - she needs a plane to fly (her one weakness) compared to Super Girl. We also do not like feeling like we are out of control or feel like we are imposing. Here is where it really hit me - I asked a longtime neighbor to see if she would mind picking up our mail and paper while we are out of town next week on a family vacation. I didn't think twice about it - we have done it for each other for years. I have another friend who offered to run to the store and have perishables in my fridge for Christmas day dinner when we got home. She has been offering since the summer and I have shrugged her off and tried to make it work without her help. Why was it so easy for me to ask one friend to help me and so difficult to ask another? I think it is because this friend and I have not done those types of things for each other in the past, so it is new and unfamiliar. I was even glad when our flight on the 24th lands just after 8pm, thinking I would still have time to run to the store to get my last minute items. No such luck - all the stores close early that night. That leaves me with one option - allow my friend to help me. She and I chatted about it last week at lunch and I told her that I don't feel like I reciprocate as much as I should. Not that we would keep track of anything because I don't believe in that either. Would I do the same for her? Without question. She tells me that I reciprocate more than I know (apparently I really don't know, because I cannot think of anything I have done to help her). I was paying attention to the signs that were coming my way - make sure you do as well. Anyway, with a heavy sigh, a list with some cash, I am giving in and letting go. I am asking her for help. I don't like it (would rather rapel off a building), but will do it. Have to have milk and rolls Christmas Day. Enjoy your week.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Don't give your power away

On Wednesday of this week, the day started awesome. Rocky came over for a run (with scarf and two sets of gloves) and we had an awesome time. It was great to see her and catch up. I get to work a little later and am feeling good, feeling fabulous, doing my thing. Then, I get a phone call from a woman who can put someone slightly on the edge. I know I am telling her things she does not want to hear, and before I can say anything else, she hangs up on me! If anyone had been in my office, you literally would have seen my jaw hit the floor. This woman is asking for my help and when I told her we were doing the best we could, she didn't even say "thank you" or "goodbye". I immediately called a co-worker (she had the priviledge of working with her last year), as I knew she would understand. The co-worker is laughing and tells me, "Don't give your power away." It was appropriate and very simple. My day had started great and because of one little insignificant episode, my great day took a little halt. But once I changed my attitude and did not give my power away, my fabulous day continued. Ask yourself, do I give my power away? I believe there are only two things we can ever control in our lives - attitude and effort. Attitude always come first and you never have a bad attitude and put forth good effort. Usually, they go hand in hand and unfortunately, are the same. So, your message for today is that if you are on cloud 9 and some little hiccup comes along to keep you in check, keep your power. Sometimes, it is all we have. Have a FANTABULOUS weekend!!!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

What are you waiting for?

In the last few days, I have been reminded of how fragile life is and why we can never take it for granted. A family member had a stroke and I am unsure of her prognosis and two other people I know have been diagnosed with cancer. That got me thinking...I know, people sometimes get nervous when that happens. I have already asked you to figure out your dream. I also want you to start identifying who is your support team or "dream team". Then I want you to ask yourself, "What am I waiting for?" What happens if all of the things you are waiting for are waiting for YOU to do something first? I have decided I am tired of waiting and of being afraid of not doing something to make my life better everyday. I don't even know how I would answer this question. If I had to answer it, I would probably say, "I am waiting for everything to be ok." Everyone would wait for the guarantee - then there is no risk involved. Guess what? No one can tell me that. No one can tell anyone that. I have to take these chances with writing on my blog, with reaching out to others, with pursuing my dream and following my passion. I want you to know that I am in "GO MODE." My family knows exactly what that means. Now, that may be partly because of the time of year, but I am done with waiting. I have waited what seems like a lifetime to get me where I am now, and it has only been 12 months. I am no longer just going to let life happen around me, but I am resolved to make sure that I am being an active participant in my life. It amazes me how much fear stops us from doing anything that is new, different, or out of the ordinary. Ok...here is your challenge this week:
1. Write our your passion
2. How can your passion fullfill your dream
3. Who will help you?
4. What are you waiting for?

It is amazing how when you write things down (even if you never share them) you see the words and it is as if someone is reminding you of where you want to be. Be honest and truthful...you can always email me at michelle.itstartstoday@gmail.com if you want to visit more. I would love to hear from you! Make it happen!

Friday, December 3, 2010

OMG - Going to be so hard!

Ok, so Friday's have been traditionally the day I take off from running and this week I have been forced to be on the elliptical because it has been like 15 degrees at 5am. Rocky is pretty much done running with me for the winter, but will also take it on a day by day basis. Today, I did not get on the elliptical and it was a crazy, busy day at work. Nothing bad or extraordinary happened, just a busy time in our office. I came home and told my husband, I am going for a run. And you know what??? I LOVED IT!!! I don't think I can go til March without running! NO WAY! I think I may have to still squeeze in a run or two a couple of times a week when I can. Even if it as 2pm in the afternoon on the weekends. There will be no way that I go so long without running. Here is the OMG part - I never thought I would miss running and it has only been a week. A few days ago, I subscribed to a couple of online running magazines. I am totally hooked on this running thing. This is the lesson I learned tonight - I will have to adapt to make this thing still work. I was in a mode of doing my running at 5am every morning and had conditioned myself to stick with that routine. I felt so much better after my run. I did not even feel like I was dreading it or working hard. Just doing my thing and loving every minute of it. I sit here and shake my head, almost in disbelief thinking that it all started with Rock asking me what I would change about my life. Do what makes you happy and brings you joy. Even if you have to adapt...even if it is different...even if it is not the norm. Handle adversity with strength and belief that you will be better for it. Let's just say even with winter just getting here, I cannot wait until warmer weather gets here only so I can run!!!

Every day, I am doing something

My mojo has been off this week and the only explanation I can come up with is that I have not been able to run. The Nebraska winter might make me more crazy than I already am if I am not able to run outside. I have been on the elliptical every day, but it is not the same. Call me crazy - oh, wait, I already did that. :-) Here is the thing, every day I am doing something that takes me closer to pursuing my dream. I have identified what makes my heart soar (my passion) and am using that to guide me towards my dream (putting my passion into action). I worked on some of it this week and will continue to do so until I am ready to strategize and accomplish certain tasks so that my dream can be fullfilled. I even saw an advertisement for something that I had not thought of, but peaked my interest because it was something that I have thought about but did not know I could do it. Totally cool. Today, I am going to lunch with a co-worker who asked me about the "new" Michelle. I told her it may take longer than our alloted hour so we may have to do lunch again. I asked you a couple of weeks ago to look at your dreams and urged you to get closer to them. What have you done for them lately? I recently found out that two people I know have cancer and it is not looking very good for either one of them. I was very humbled by their situations because just prior to that I was trying to figure out what I can wear on our trip to Mexico in two weeks (since I have lost weight since this summer - good thing). Life is too short and no one has any guarantees. When you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, take a chance. If you you won't give yourself a chance, why would anyone else? Don't look to others for a reason to do something or not to do something. You get so much more when you "Follow Your Heart" - I know I am committed to living my life that way, every day. Remember, It Starts Today.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Almost one year ago...

It is hard for me to believe that it has almost been one year since this craziness started. It is even more difficult for me to try to remember who I was back then. It seems so long ago, yet so much of me has changed during what has been a short time. To think it all started with having lunch with a friend and asking what we are meant to do with our lives. That continued with an overflowing of courage to set my heart free by allowing others to come into my life after years of shutting people out. After so many years of being afraid, I no longer am. I finally understand the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I committed to an exercise program because a stranger asked me what I would change about myself and I gave her an honest answer. I started to feel like never before. I have let the wall come down and am very comfortable with where I am now and am willing (if not eager) to share it with others. This journey of life is now something I treasure instead of thinking that it is just a ride I am on until I am told it is time to get off. I used to question what I could not understand and wait for what I thought was inevitable. My attitude towards my destiny is much different now than it was when this all started even. It has been like I have been living my life with blinders on and am just now seeing what the world has to offer. What a fool I have been. Oh well, I cannot go back. Thank you for your input, comments, and for believing in me. I hope you are better for knowing me than you were a year ago. We are in this together and together we will continue on our journeys.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Be grateful

It has been almost a week since I last posted, mostly because of the holiday. I hope everyone enjoyed their friends and family, had enough to eat, and truly found gratefulness in their lives. I am thankful everyday. Do you count your blessings more than once a year? If not, you need to. I told a friend last week that I was grateful for her sticking out a tough time with me - she never wavered, but I did. A lot. I am grateful for the wonderful, supportive husband whose biggest goal in his life is to make me happy. We playfully argue who loves the other more, but I think I love him more. :-) I am grateful for the (short as it was) time spent with our son coming home from college and the other two still at home. Although, one son today is really not making me grateful for the almost 14-year old attitude. However, generally speaking, I am grateful that they are all healthy, do well in school, and are good kids. I am grateful for the job I love and for the roads it has led me to so that I can see where I go from here. I am grateful for a little money in the bank and the life we have built here in Nebraska. I am grateful for those of you that find joy, humor, and life in this blog and am thankful that I found the courage to let me be me. I am thankful for new friendships and journeys along this road of life. I am thankful for my health and understand that I am no good to others if I am not taking care of myself. As hard as it was sometimes, I am even grateful for those struggles I needed to face to get me to today. I have no regrets and am looking forward to the future. Thank you, for listening.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Be Radiant today!!

Even though it is dark, a little drizzly, and chilly this morning, I want you to all be radiant today!! Let your light shine and bloom - even in this kind of weather. We should not let the weather dictate what we give to the world. We should shine MORE on these days because we can. Smile at complete strangers, say good morning to co-workers, be patient on the roads. It is amazing how just letting your light shine can bring smiles to so many others. As much as we need reminders to bloom, we need to also be radiant and bring joy to those around us. Do you know how much we can accomplish by letting ourselves be beautiful? I told a co-worker last week, that she was beautiful and she shrugged it off, as if she did not believe it. I know what that looks like - that was me. When she walked by again, I told her that I was serious and she did say "thank you", but I am not sure she still believed it. Let the walls come down and let us believe that we are all beautiful, radiant, and meant to bloom. A song I heard over the weekend has one line in it that stopped me mid-run - "Don't forget why you are here." We are all here for a reason - our reason is to be Radiant!!!!

Friday, November 19, 2010

How did we all get here?

No, not in the biblical sense, but how did so many of us women get to where we put the walls up and put up our arms to protect ourselves? Have we all been hurt in such ways (many of them different)that our first reaction is to be defensive? The possibility of this makes me extremely sad. How many other women out there are going through the motions, just trying to get through another day with taking the kids to school, making dinner, going to work, etc, where they are almost on autopilot? I believe that we all have "stuff" - different kind of stuff and somedays the "stuff" is worse than other days. But here is where we are all the same - we all have hearts and feel and give our hugs and smiles so freely to one another that it can make even the worst day so much better. I spent a few minutes visiting with a co-worker yesterday about what was going on with me last week and she just listened. She was trying to get me to see what I needed to change in my perspective of things as well as what I wanted from this point. Even though I do not know her very well (yet!), she came by my office to see how I REALLY was - and not the fake, "I'm good!" that most people give to you. I believe she really wanted to know. I want her to know that I appreciate her caring - she will know because she tells me she reads this a couple of times a week. We need to find a way to stop putting up the walls and let things happen and surrender to life - it will bring many blessings. Even baby steps move us forward. Make your life what you want it to be, not what it has given you. You can change it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Inspiration vs. Motivation

As I was running this morning, several thoughts came to me, and I was very nervous that I would forget them before I could get home and write them down. I know it is pretty sad that I carry pen and paper in my car, in my purse, in my office, etc just in case some profound thought comes to my head, but I guess I never really thought about needing to keep it on me when I am running at 5am. My running partner may not like it if I have to stop every so often and write something down. We will see how that plays out. Anyway, back to this post...inspiration vs. motivation. I was reading the first few pages of some new books I was looking into reading the other day and I came across one that made me think about the title of this post. As people around me share with me that I have inspired them, I am always blown away by that much credit being given to me. I am just being me, or doing something for myself and as much as it is not an intentional inspiration, it is something that is outside of us. We can find inspiration in great stories from the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books, seeing someone do something kind for a perfect stranger, or hearing a message that resonates with us and stirs something perhaps long forgotten. But motivation is different. The book hints at how someone can inspire someone else, but cannot motivate them. The basic reason was that motivation does not comes from outside oneself, but from the inside. We have to find the motivation from within to do something different that we have been inspired to do. Motivation comes after inspiration, not before. Inspiration is the thought and the motivation is the action that follows. Here is my example, when I started running with Rocky, it was more about trying to do something for myself because she asked the questions. But knowing she only runs with me twice a week meant that I had to motivate myself to get up every morning and run without her. If you have been inspired, what did that motivate you to do? Have you followed through? Why or why not? It is not enough to just be inspired...you have to find the motivation to change something in your life. It can happen - be ready to receive it.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Different paths we end up on

This weekend, I spent a lot of time trying to decide what my dream is since I asked you to do the same. One thing I have learned is that I cannot ask you to do something that I am not willing to do myself. To decide what your dream is, first you have to find your passion. What is your passion? A couple of weeks ago, a friend asked me, "What do you want?" I told her I did not know, but I think I am closer to that answer. I wrote some things down and did more with those thoughts than I have in the past. Here is the purpose of this post - I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in high school, and yet I am no where closer to that profession, nor do I desire to be. Due to decisions and circumstances, I ended up on a different path than I thought I had previously wanted. After reading many books about how people get stuck in jobs they hate, working long hours, and not really living, they come to their "Ah-ha" Moment (thanks, Oprah!) where they decide to really start living their life the way they want to live their life. Are you one of those people that feels stuck? I encourage you to find what you are passionate about and see what you can do to follow your heart. Sometimes, the things we think we want turn out not to be what we really desire and motivates us. The key is that we need to be open to change and other opportunities that otherwise we would not have even seen. Keep your eyes and hearts open and you may just find yourself on another path you did not know existed. Believe me, it may be the better one too. Make your Monday Marvelous!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Review of "Walking Through Illusion" by Betsy Otter Thompson

I was contacted by Betsy who asked me to read and review her book, "Walking Through Illusion", where she mentions different people from the Bible and describes their situations and how we can apply similar thoughts and feelings to our own lives today. Betsy takes 23 crucial but equally important emotions and analyzes them through Jesus' eyes and interpretations, as she believes He would. Jesus answers these questions and always makes us not look at how to correct what is wrong by looking at the outside, but by looking at our own mirror. Too often, we find things that are negative in the world, but what we really should be doing is trying to find the positive in us and share that with the world. That in itself will make the world more positive. Betsy shares the path she has taken on her personal journey as she has come to this point in her life. I especially love the quotes at the beginning and the end of each chapter that make me stop and think. One of my favorites is, "Cherish the process. You never leave it behind you. You simply bring more of yourself to the process you are in." As I have continued on my own journey of finding my purpose and following my heart, I have come to the realization that "Today is the sum total of who I am." We all are. I believe that we cannot prejudge our destiny because of our past and therefore our destiny cannot be prejudged.
Thank you, Betsy, for sharing this wonderful book with me. I wish you wonderful success in life and hope to stay in touch.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Get real!

A few days ago, I mentioned that I was feeling a little lost. Although, I no longer seem to be stuck at the truck stop today, I have started moving, although I am still unsure of where I am headed. In recent days, I have put the wall up that I have spent 40+ years perfecting but I know it's purpose very well. It's cause is not something specific, but I know when I put the wall up, it is because I create questions, then have doubt, then get scared and finally, want to retreat. It is a defense mechanism to protect me so that I feel like I have control of what is around me. This morning, I could not sleep and was up at 3am. The wall came crashing down with tears. My brain keeps trying to tell my heart what to do because that is the way the heirarchy has worked for me up until about 10 months ago. Every now and then, the brain tries to rule the heart and that is a huge mistake, when I let it win. When I let my heart rule, I am finally real. Good, bad, and ugly and everthing in between. I am accepting of what "Get Real" means after years of not saying it; although it was a popular term when I was growing up. A friend told me she would rather see tears in my eyes than the wall. Whatever tasks come your way, whoever you pass today, remember to "Be Real!"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Feeling a little lost today

For the last 10 months, I have questioned what this all means and where it was taking me. Although I was unsure of where I was going, how to get there, and what to do once I arrived, I still went on this journey. I even appreciated it and learned to embrace it. I have become more free and open with who I am and have shared with you, even when I was fearful and nervous. I have evaulated past experiences and have determined that all of them have led to me to where I am now. Here is the thing today - I still have questions. I still don't know where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do. I am feeling a little lost today and as much as I had lived most of my life with just going with no real direction in sight, today feels different. Before, I didn't know I needed to go somewhere so following something I could not explain was new. Now, I am still on the same road, but feel like I have stopped at a truck stop along the way - not sure how long I will stay here or for what reason. I usually do my best thinking when I run in the morning, but sometimes that gets me into my biggest trouble too. I start to over think and that is not always good. I need to refocus on what it is that motivates me, what drives me, and surround myself with those people who will be there. It has been easier in my life to handle it all on my own and admit that I don't readily accept help, therefore have learned to rely on people less. It is very uncomfortable for me to be put in that situation. Maybe that is why I am stuck - I am trying to distance myself somewhat from someone, but find it very difficult to do so. I will keep searching today...I need to get back to where I was. Thinking about you all.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Being tested

I am trying to figure out what I am meant to do. What calls to me as I give freely of myself I have been reminded not to do. Yesterday was a day of questions and doubt. What I found very coincidental was the timing of it all. Yesterday morning, I had mentioned to my running partner, that I am not sure what I am supposed to do next, but I don't want the ride to end. She throws out some ideas and I listen, not even sure which one I like or which one is right for me. I also find the timing extremely poignant that I had just recently asked you all what your dreams are and what are you doing to pursue them. I met another friend for lunch and shared my dilemma with her and she gave me a little framed saying that reads, "God knows your purpose, do you?" As I have mentioned earlier, things happen for a reason. This all happening on one day, cannot just be coincidence...they are signs - telling me to be aware of what will come. I need to remind myself to continue to believe in myself, what gifts I bring to those I share them with, and to know that, after it is all said and done, that it will always be worth it. Have a Thankful Thursday!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Question for the day...

What is your absolute dream? I mean, what really sends your thoughts racing and opens your heart to be free? Ok, now that you have identified it, what is stopping you from achieving that dream? Let me guess...it is one of these four reasons...1. money; 2. fear of failure; 3. do not have enough time to pursue it; 4. not the right time in your life. Now, let's assume that money is no object; you are ready to succeed; can devote the time to follow your dream; and now is the perfect time. What would you do then? Would you fully commit to following your heart and therefore getting your dream? Since most of these reasons are not something that we can control, are you still willing to take a chance? Don't you want to say "I tried." I have my best moments when I see others have theirs. Nothing makes me more humble and appreciative to hear that I have inspired others to make changes in their lives. Sometimes, I do not have to participate to feel the glory - I just need to see it in someone's face. To hear the excitement in their voice, to see the passion in their eyes, to feel the joy in their heart - will always give me goosebumps and make me smile. I am not sure what I expected when I started this 10 months ago; in fact, it would be pretty safe to say that I did not expect anything. For the planner, type-A personality that I am, I find that very interesting. My entire life, I have calculated and analyzed (just like Dr. Spock from Star Trek!) and then and only then, have determined which outcome would offer the best results. Yet, I have done none of that with this process. Maybe I was holding on too tight - trying to control everything. You cannot lose control of something that you hold on to, right? Yet, surprisingly enough, it was only when I chose to let go, with no expectations or plans, did things actually work out better, maybe even better than I might have planned. I believe that everyone has a common dream - to leave your mark on this world and hope that after you are gone, that people remember what you meant to them and the deeds you accomplished. Even if one of those four reasons is stalling your dream, it does not mean, it should still not be pursued. My dream is to help you be better at being who you are - believing that you are valuable, wonderful, and can shine when you let it. Someone once told me that if I waited until I could afford kids to have them, I never would. Then, why wait to fulfill a dream? The best part is when dreams come true and you are there to see it. Dare to dream - and dream big!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

No regrets

This is something I strived for this weekend when I went out of town with a friend to Mall of America to spend some time away and shop. For those of you that know me, I hate shopping and it was my suggestion - so she caught me at a weak moment. Anyway, in previous conversations with this friend, I have shared things with her and then once I did, I regretted it and wished I could take things back. It actually became a subject of one of our many conversations this weekend. I told her that I didn't want to regret telling her things, but I think I wanted her to know but became afraid that she might judge me differently and therefore I would be sorry that I said anything at all. I am really good at withholding information. I shared with her some things from my past that very few people know, if they even remember. But again, I have to trust that my past will not dictate her view of me just as her past will not dictate my view of her. After it is all said and done, we got to know each other better and had fun also. Our husbands may not be allowing us to take another trip like this after they see the receipts. I told her the next morning after I shared with her, that I did not have any regrets about letting her in to my past and I still felt that way today. I felt like I would never get over that hurdle, but I think I did. We should all live our lives with no regrets. What are you holding on to that you are afraid to let out, thinking that you will have regrets if you do. I know I am trying to live like that...how about you?

Validation

Back in May, I titled a post, "Got Burned" where I mention about a kid that I worked with where he made a bad decision after I tried to help him. Today, without warning, he and his mom both stopped by my office. I was so excited to see him, even though he never came back to my office to tell me that he got in trouble again. He tells me nothing about his trouble but tells me that he graduated from high school, bought a new truck, and is in college studying criminal justice. Since I had never met his mom, I kind of mention to her about what kind of convesations her son and I have had over the months that I have known him. She tells me that although they came to the office for other reasons, that he told her he wanted to stop by my office to see me. She tells me he is so anxious, he just about runs down the hallway. As he gets ready to leave, I tell him that I am proud of him and hope he stops by again soon. He tells me he will. I believe him. Here is the key for me - him coming to my office, by choice, was huge validation for me. For those of you that don't know, I work with kids that make bad decisions and I encourage them to try to find the right path. Every now and again, I wonder if what I say really makes a difference in their lives, or do they just tolerate my lectures and look forward to the day that they are no longer in my office. Today, was validaton and confirmed that I had made a difference in this kid's life. He wants to be in law enforcement and he is working hard at achieving that goal. I can tell you this, when he is sworn in as an officer, I will be at that ceremony. He does not know that yet, but he will even, if it is 4 years down the road from now. On occassion, I have received thanks from kids for helping them, but I think this kid is different. Even his mom told me that she felt better coming into my office, even though I am not sure what I said. That just goes to show you that I am learning that the more I give freely of my talents, my heart, and my quest to serve others the more I receive. Isn't that amazing? The more you give, the more you receive - even in ways you didn't expect. I promise - it will come back to you.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Have you seen SPIRIT in action?

I know it is Halloween time, but I am not talking about "spirits." I mean truly see someone or people just shine. As I was out walking this morning, this kept coming to me..I was so afraid I was going to forget it. Example one - last spring, it was the opening day ceremonies for our local recreational baseball/softball programs. As is customary in baseball, the National Anthem is sung before you start every game. That day, was no exception. With about 500 people huddled together on one side of the gym to watch the parade of athletes, a young girl (maybe about 8) is handed the microphone to sing the National Anthem. She starts singing beautifully, and then gets stuck and forgets the words. Remember, there is no instrumental music playing along with her singing. She tries several times to start from where she left off, but once it is gone, it is hard to get going again. Think about it - could you start in the middle of the Pledge of Allegiance? I know I would have a hard time. By this time, people are trying to whisper to her the next words, but she forgets she is holding the microphone and we all hear her say, "What?" a couple of times. Anyway, after about five failed attempts to start where she left off, she finally starts over...at the beginning. Here is where the SPIRIT comes in - without any words from anyone running this event, the entire gym starts signing right along with her!!! I teared up and I am sure many others did as well. It is something I will never forget. Example two - a very close friend of mine received an award last night at a very prestigious gathering. She is very humble and does not volunteer and give back to receive recognition. She is simply following her heart. When I see her in action - making things happen, creating positive change, I see her SPIRIT. We all have SPIRIT (I am not a cheerleader, but have a sister who was and totally want to say "Yes, we do!" right now) - it is so wonderful to see. Do you show your SPIRIT? Why or why not? It can truly take your breath away and leave you speechless. Don't be afraid - let people see your light shine. It is one of my most favorite things - watching other people shine. Be the light today. Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

I found me!

As silly as that sounds, it is what I wrote down Saturday morning. I had not run that morning, so that could not be why I was acknowledging this new found treasure. I am still dedicated to everything this is going to be. I saw a former neighbor the other day who had not seen me for a couple of months and also visited with a current neighbor last week. I have not really seen these ladies for some time and it was great to catch up. They could tell I had made some physical changes and I got them up to speed on how that went and also on the journey I continue to take. I continue to tackle fears that I had buried so deep, I had forgotten they were even there. I know that I will be successful and am looking forward to new challenges every day, even those that I cannot solve. I don't think I ever really lost me...I think I just decided to show me to the world. So far, nothing negative has happened and I am surpised consistantly with the positive feedback I have received from it all. Part of me wishes I had done this all sooner, but I wasn't ready. I don't want to start having any regrets now. I am amazed at how free I feel in letting me be me. Every day, I am reminded of the journey I am on and continue to embrace what it means to me everyday. I know sometimes I lose sight of it, but it is never very far away. I don't think I could stop this, even if I tried. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Don't ever give up

Do we feel like we have to keep trying? At whatever it is we are trying to accomplish? I think we do. I know I can be stubborn at times (good thing my husband does not read this) and have to keep striving for more. Most of the time, I don't ever feel like I can just give up. Sometimes, things do not go the way we want them to, but we forget that our way is not always The Way. I still push myself to run about 5-6 days a week, even though I am not trying to accomplish a weight loss goal and training for a race. Somedays, I walk and talk with my friend and that is always fun, too. On the days that I run alone, that is when I have quiet time for me when I can plan out my day and focus on still trying to run. It still amazes me that even my goal is over, I still cannot wait to start my day and run. The last two mornings, I have been up at about 4:30am. Don't ask me why - I do not have an answer. It is so refreshing to be outside and work hard and then you have the rest of the day. I used to love sleeping in - now I can't. My idea of sleeping in is getting up at 6am on a day I don't have to get up. I read a quote a few months ago that says, " You should feel that being you is enough." When I struggle with thoughts of needing to be better than I was before, I have to remind myself of that quote. I also read that as ..."difficult as it is to forgive others, it is more difficult to forgive ourselves." It is hard to do both - don't ever give up, but also remember to forgive ourselves if we fall short. We know we will fall short sometimes, and sometimes we will make it. Everyone wants to be around when we make it. We also know that when we do fall short, we have others that will pick us up and encourage us to never give up. Those people are true friends. Find those people in your life and keep them close - they want to be around for the good, but also in case the bad and the ugly come around too. Have a tubular Tuesday! (The California girl came out in me this morning - sorry! :-))

Thursday, October 7, 2010

New contact from outside my circle

Today, I checked my email account associated to this blog. I do not check it very often, and noticed that it is usually a couple of weeks between messages in my inbox. No one that I know really uses it except me and that is mostly to keep these thing separate from our normal home email. I found an email from an author named Betsy Thompson from California. She tells me that she found my blog and noticed that I mention my favorite books and songs. She offers to send me her latest book and asks that I review it on my blog. The fact that she offered to send me her book (freely, I might add) was not what surprised me most. It opened much more. Up until this point, I know of a handful of people that might know that this blog exists and maybe even half of those have actually read it a time or two. That is just fine with me. I created this blog as a way for me to share a little of myself and hopefully encourage all of you (all 10 of you) to keep "following your heart." Yes, I realize that I have the blog posted so the entire world could see it if they wanted to. My surprise came when someone outside my circle no only found it and acknowledged it. The asking of me to read a book and give my two cents was the icing on the cake. I mean...who am I? A 42 year old woman, trying to figure out what she is doing with her life and how to enjoy this journey I am on. I am not going to analyze this new door or try to figure out where it leads. I guess I will see when I get there. Trying to make sense of this all just makes my head hurt anyway.

Monday, October 4, 2010

She came...

Today was the first morning after the committment of October 1st that my running partner and I would normally run. She told me she would come this morning and part of me was thinking she wouldn't. She doesn't have to - her obligation was over - and I have told her that whatever happens now is "whatever." I have been hurt in the past just when I start to let my guard down and let someone in. Then, something happens and I have learned I can no longer rely on that person - everything as I knew changed and I did not like it. Because of that history, it has been very difficult to let her in and not expect her to leave too. I would have understood why she didn't come and even though I would have been hurt and angry, I am familiar with what that feels like, so that would not have been new. I jumped out of bed at 4:45am, hoping that she would be there, but still not expecting her to be there. As I sat on my front porch, getting my iPod ready, I come across a song that makes me think of her. My hands are clasped as I say a quick prayer, as I feel the crispness of the morning layer of air that surrounds me. I get lost and just breathe for a few minutes. I need to quiet my heart and believe in her - I have to believe that I mean more to her than just someone to run with in the early part of the day. She has always believed in me...even when I did not see anything to believe in. I am so focused on trying to decide what to feel next that I don't realize that she has pulled into my driveway. She gets out of her car, I give her a big hug, and she asks, "What's wrong?" I simply reply, "You came." As easy as that was for her to be here this morning, that gesture told me all I needed to know (but maybe didn't want to believe until now). She has left her footprints on my heart that will never wash away and I am very grateful. Having her continue to want to be there and make that choice is something that is very new to me. Thanks, Rock, for all you are to make me who I am.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I shake my head in disbelief

Do you ever stop and think about some things and just wonder how you got there or here, which ever it may be? That you really cannot remember all of the things you did to get you to this exact moment in time? But then, when you look back, you know you took steps because there would be no way you would be there without taking those steps? That is me today, and on most days. We ran in the Race for the Cure today and it was chilly, but it was nice to see the sun out. I was susprised on how short 3 miles was, but very glad to be done, needless to say. The bigger picture for me is more than a morning run, but that is a part of it. The morning run has become a way of defining me, yet 5 months ago that was not even part of my vocabulary. As I reflect on the days I have had, none seem more important than the ones I have had over the last 9 months. I am encouraged by a friend who is listening to her heart and am so proud of her and excited for this new chance at fullfilling her destiny. She never knows how I talk about her with others and what she means to me. I thank God for her every day and I always find it funny when I explain how we met. She told me just recently that even her husband wonders how we could be such great friends in such a short amount of time. We simply cannot explain it. I am humbled when a friend is recognized for doing what she does to make her community better by fullfilling her destiny. I am grateful for a husband who supports me when I take time for me, which in turn makes me better for everyone else. Sometimes, just to catch my breath, I am in awe of it all. It seems so simple, yet also feels like it took forever to get here. I have learned patience and compassion, and love it all. I am pursuing an idea about sharing some of these ideas with others in a bigger venue, and hope it comes to life. In my mission statement, I say that I did not feel that I was worthy of more, and I think that still sticks with me sometimes. I have caught myself when I self-sabotage with a comment where I put myself down. I am thankful for so many things in my life, and more I have yet to treasure, and I think for so many years, I never told myself I deserved more. I told myself that I should be happy with what I had, since it was more than most people. I have been blessed in many ways, and am reminded to not lose sight of that. That is one reason why I shake my head in disbelief. Truth is that this is here and I am embracing all that it has to offer. Last week, someone saw me and yelled, "There's my inspiration." I never thought of myself that way. Thank you for continuing to believe in me. I believe in you...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Oct 1st - drum roll, please.

If any of you have been following along, then you will know why today is significant. Back in March, when my running partner asked me the most difficult question of what would I change about myself if I could change anything, and I answered I wanted to lose weight (originally 20 pounds then 30) by October 1st, never in my wildest dreams did I think this day would come. Many mornings, I pulled myself out of bed at 5am knowing she would be at my house. You have all read about how she would tell me when it was ok to stop and how she can't count to 10, with her "10 more steps" bit. Though I only run with her twice a week, somehow from somewhere, I found the desire and dedication to be a runner. I cannot explain where it came from. Never did I think I would be successful or fail at this goal, I just let it happen. This past week, I have been very aprehensive about our friendship ending because this goal is over and this is how we started to be friends. The weather is turning colder and my fear is that so would our friendship. She has become much more than a running partner to me, and she knows it, too. I believe I have become much more to her as well. I know that whether she was running beside me or not, she always believed in me. Even if I did not meet my weight loss goal, she would still believe in me. I have decided that I will continue to run as much as possible during the winter, and if need be, use my elliptical to keep in shape. I still have some weight to lose to be really be happy with the way I look, but this is a good start. Ok...here is the end result...as of this morning, I stepped on the scale and it was awesome. I had lost the 30 pounds plus a little more!!! Thank you for your support. Maybe I have motivated some of you to find that one thing you want to change about yourself and work towards that goal. Work hard...don't give up...believe you can. Have a wonderful weekend.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

To be a bud or to be a BLOOM!

As I continue to grow in my ever anticipated yearning for life, I came across another quote that seems to sum everything up. I am paraphrasing, but simply said, "it is more painful to risk to be a bud than than the risk is to bloom." That got me thinking...when you see a bed of flowers just as they are emerging from the soil in spring, do we stop to think that the flowers are doing what they are intended to do? Do they wait until another flower pops its head or start to open? No, each flower is meant to bloom at a particular time, when it is right for that flower - that is its purpose. Have you ever tried to fence in a flower or shrub? Guess what happens? The foliage starts reaching for more and moving around obstacles put in their way makes the flowers choose another direction to grow. Like a detour sign on the highway. So many times, we try to fence ourselves in and try not to bloom because we don't want to be ahead of the other "flowers". But, that is not what we were meant to do. We are designed to bloom. Fear keeps us from many things - yet the flower knows no fear. If it knew a storm was coming that would potentially damage all that was beautiful about it, it would still bloom. It would not hole back into the ground where it would be safe and then grow again when the coast was clear. The more we are cautious and reserved, the less we live to our full potential. We have all seen those flowers that only part of it seems to grow the way it was supposed to and the then the rest of it just looks kind of odd, like it is not the way it is supposed to be. What usually happens is that those end up in the trash. We have to extended all of our petals, with the pistal (our heart)exposed ready to give it our all, without fear of what the other flowers are doing. All we can be is who we are, as God intended. So, I say, today, let's do our thing...and BLOOM!!!!!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Is It Ever Enough?

My striving to be better than I was before will be (and has been) a never ending struggle for me most of my life. As much as perfection is just out of reach, it is certainly something I still attempt. I constantly challenge myself to find ways to have done something different, usually better, than what it really turned out. By doing this, I never stop to think about what I did accomplish and be proud of that feat. I shy away from people saying they are proud of me, and think to myself, it wasn't good enough for my standards. When will it ever be enough? Still something I need to work on. Keep trying...we will get there together.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Old habits are hard to break

Yesterday, my thoughts were that I was glad I finished the Corporate Cup and wasn't last. Then, last night as I was doing my sit ups, the old Michelle started to creep in. I told my husband that I feel like I should have run better. I had said I would be happy with whatever my time was and really, I don't care what the numbers are. Yet...the always striving to be better, striving for perfection, Michelle came to the surface. Everyone has been very supportive and I know that this old way of thinking is not right, but it has been a part of who I am for over 41 years. It is very hard to just make it go away. Even now, my thoughts are how many situps and pushups do I need to do a day so I don't feel embarrassed like I did last week when I couldn't do any. I know I push myself more than anyone ever could. For so long, I gave up on being better because it was so overwhelming and I probably didn't know where to start. Now, I have started somewhere and it is taking me some place I never thought I would be. I am grateful everyday for this chance to be more than I ever dreamed and will use this opportunity to expand my horizons. In my heart, I know it is ok. The problem is that my brain keeps getting in the way. Story of my life.

Monday, September 20, 2010

New favorite quote

Good morning...I started to re-read Mark Nepo's, "The Book of Awakening - Having the life you want by being present in the life you have" over the weekend. Within the first few pages, I found a new favorite quote by Helen Luke - "The coming to consciousness is not a discovery of some new thing; it is a long and painful return to that which has always been." I find this extremely significant that all this time, as I have travelled this journey, I kept thinking I was finding new things. Truth is - it has always been with me. I either never looked for it, hid it, or forgot it was there. I am more resolved to being who I need to be than I have ever been. It is what drives me to be better, more focused, and dedicated to really being who I was intended to be. The process continues to amaze me at times with the ways that I feel about situations and people. I know this will only get better. Have a wonderful week!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Goal one - done!

Today, I participated in the Omaha Corporate Cup Run with my running partner. She made me promise to keep going and go as long as I could, so I did and ran at my own pace. We started the race together, but did not run together. I ran most of it, but still stopped when needed to and even my husband came down to support me. He tried to take pictures, but he did not see me in time. It was great to see him and I love his support. Before we got started, I was nervous, but could not even really determine why. It was not because I was nervous about what time I ran, or that I would slip in the rain. I could not identify this feeling, other than it was something new to me. I was glad that she decided to do it with me. I think I will run this every year, even if I am doing it by myself. I do know that I would not have just signed up to run it without the encouragement from my running partner. Regardless of how I did (for time), my goal was to finish (without needing medical attention) and now I can say I did it. Next, we run in the Race for the Cure in 2 weeks. That race is only half the distance so will go much quicker. I just hope the weather cooperates as today was chilly with a light misting of rain. I am still working on the sit up goal - doing a minimum of 20 a day with 10 push ups. I will keep pushing myself to get to each goal that I have set for myself. I felt good to get it done today. Remember, it starts today.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Back to reality

Ok...I am doing well with all of the running thing and this journey thing. Having a great day...then I get thrown back into reality. And frustration and disappointment. Some (if not all) of you know that I am working to lose 30 pounds by October 1st. You will have to check back then to see how I am doing, but based on the comments I have been receiving lately, I am doing well. Since that goal will be coming to an end in a couple of weeks, my running partner tells me we have new fitness goals. This year has been awesome so far and I have accomplished much with my spiritual growth, getting over fear, exercising on a regular basis,etc. One of these goals includes doing situps. We need to do 27 in 1 minute. Today, is our first crack at it. I eagerly await these new challenges with great confidence and expect to do decently, even mediocre would show something. Alas, I was wrong. I could not do 1 sit up. NOT ONE. It was a struggle even when she held my feet and I am confident it looked pretty pitiful. She might as well have knelt behind me and pushed my back. Failure...in front of her just about killed me. But she was supportive and awesome, like she always is. All day I would get mad and when I caught that I was doing it, I would then tell myself, "Get there!" I have come so far and now I am discouraged by a detour. Not a road block. So now, I have the goals on my computer at work along with a sticky that says, "Get there!" and they are also on my mirror at home. After work today, I came home and did 20 sit ups - with help from my cedar chest that was able to keep my feet on the ground. As I was doing them, I looked at my stomach. It has gotten smaller and I wonder if that has a bigger meaning. I shed what I did not need to keep. Everything that I was holding onto with my life before now has been with me, but not been necessary to live. But now, my stomach is not tone or strong. I need to build it back up now that I begun to focus my energy and attention on what must be with me to live. This reality check will keep me grounded and I have realized just how much more work I really need to do to get where I need to be. If I can, you can. Get there!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Magnitude of doing nothing

I know...I am on a roll. Two in one day. Watch out, world. She is up and ready to take you on. There are many times that I write inspirations to myself and put them in my spiral notebook, and forget to post them here. I have a friend (yeah, it is sad - only one :-)) who is trying to find the courage to take a chance in her life. Yesterday, I wrote a few things down and gave it to her on a folded up piece of notebook paper, like I was handing her a note in school. I thought it was funny after I gave it to her. However, when she unfolded it, it unfolded to these words - "The magnitude of doing nothing to fullfill our purpose is far greater than any pursuing we take to fullfill that same purpose." I wrote that on February 25, 2010. One week after meeting her. I really did not fold the paper so that would be what she sees first, it was really the way I crammed it into my pocket. I have to acknowledge that up until January 2010, I have been existing, not living. Really living...there is a difference between just showing up and being ready to play. For so many years, I think I was just showing up, hoping that it would be good enough. Now, I am ready to play. It seemed to work for the last 41 years. It took someone to really believe in me - and with nothing to gain for herself - for me to believe in me. Doing nothing serves no one and is easy. Anyone can do nothing, but it is a huge price to pay. It takes courage and strength to do more and determine what needs to be done. Take the leap today and BE READY TO PLAY!!

Think vs. Feel

I know I have not written in a good week or so. Lots going on, but just have not had time to sit and write. I started reading another book, in my spare time, that is very insightful. A friend is having a tough week and hence that is why I am up at 4:15am typing this. I would have gotten up at 4:45am anyway. I have been very logical (like Spock) most of my life. My head ruled every decision I made - which was done after each possible solution and consequence was evaluated. I know, it was boring, but this way there was also nothing left to chance. I could control my surroundings and keep my distance. This process, this journey, and especially these last few days, my heart has been coming to the surface more and more. I allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of a friend - I am never vulnerable, not even in front of my husband. He would not know how to respond unless it was something he understood (like a death). The one time I was upset because of nice words expressed by our son are a perfect example. This wonderful woman knows how difficult it was for me. Us women need to let out our emotions and laugh if we need to...hug if we need to...cry if we need to. I probably have not had tears come to my eyes really since March. Even those were short lived. Now, the words of a song that has significance can bring the tears. The one that does it now is, "Will you Remember me?" by Sarah Mclachlan. We get caught up in doing what is expected of us because we think about what needs to get done and how much people are relying on us, etc. Sometimes, we have to "Let the River Run" by Carly Simon. We have to let the "heart rule the brain" and really FEEL. Hearing someone tell you that they are proud of you and that they believe in you will bring the waterworks as well. We need to not try to plan out every detail - follow our hearts and our brains will come along also.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Unbelievable

Today was like any other day, but things I did not expect happened. One of my co-workers told me today that she reads this everyday. Every day. I started to tell her something, but she already knew because I had added it to my blog. She made my day. I ran into another woman that I usually only work with a couple months a year as I was running an errand on my lunch hour. We visited a little and I again had no issues sharing with her about my weight loss (she noticed) and the life changes I have made as well. I think it surprised her, but also she wanted the blog information and seemed very grateful that I shared it with her. I titled this post as "unbelievable" mostly because everything I write and share with you is personal, vulnerable, and for my benefit as I travel this road of life. Sometimes, I will stop and think that this is not all about me. Since I have "readers" looking for new inspiration and hope, I pray that you feel the courage to try something new and appreciate your journey as well. Although I do not have preconceived goals about what this sharing will do for me, I hope you find comfort and humor in the way that I share my struggles, my excitement, and passion for this new found life. Maybe you find some similarities that you can associate with and realize that we have more in common than we think. I also saw another friend who I have missed (we will need to have lunch soon) and feel so free. This year, I have let go of so many fears and some were pretty deep. Some that I didn't know I had hidden for so long or so deep that when they came to the surface it was something I had never experienced before. Like when you take time to really concentrate and take a deep breath. That release, that sense of relief is so awesome. It is truly unbelievable.

Do you live in a vault?

I did...for too many years. That word was brought up in conversation yesterday as I shared lunch with two gals from work. Our paths do not cross but for every once in a while, and not on a regular basis and certainly not long enough to get past the polite, "How are you?" "Good." "Talk to you later" bits of conversation that have occured in the past. Now back to the vault - it was mentioned that what was said between us is like a vault. Today, that has me thinking...the purpose of a vault is to keep things safe, to be used when needed, but mostly to keep unwanted things and people out. How many banks do you see with the vault sitting wide open? None! Sometimes, it can be difficult for us to show our true colors and as I shared this journey I have been on with these friends yesterday, I am sure that at least one of them was surprised by how her perception of me was different than how I truly am. I know I have lived too long in a vault. Savings things for a rainy day, not even really hoping that that day would come. By doing so, I could control who came into my vault and how far they would be allowed to come. Since I have let me guard down and have really started to let myself be who I am, I have been rewarded ten times over. These two ladies are no exception - there are several people at work (primarily) that have been willing to share more of themselves as I share more of myself. My true self. The vault will always be there, but be willing to open the door more than just when you need it. Open it more than just a crack. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really be engaged in your life. Living your life is not a passive term - it is active, continuous, and changing. Have a wonderful weekend!

Monday, August 30, 2010

I was so excited!

The other night, I took our youngest son to the first meeting for confirmation this year. I saw our pastor and said hello and briefly mentioned this journey I have been on for the last 8 months. He told me he would love to hear more about it and I told him I would come and share with him soon. He also asked me if I would stop in a time or two on Wednesday nights - I told him I would do what I could. Then, I went back to my seat and a thought overcame everything else that I should have been thinking about. I began to wonder if I needed to come on a couple of nights to talk to the kids about what's been going on with me. I love working with the kids, and especially love to plant the seed and then walk away. I don't need to be there to see if it will grow or not - it really doesn't matter to me. The unknown is just fine with me. I could not wait to get out of the meeting because I was so excited, I had to call someone. I called my running partner and she, (of course) thinks I should pursue it more. I wrote down exactly what I was thinking and feeling and ended up writing almost 3 pages. Then, I asked, "Is this it?" "Is this what I am supposed to be doing?" I guess we will see. More to come later. Have a glorious day - remember, it starts today.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

As women, we...

doubt...we question...we worry...we carry too much. It amazes me how much we can handle and yet how little can break us, too. All these strengths and weaknessess we have are amazing and can also be our downfall. It is very difficult when we fear the unknown or of letting our guard down. It has to mean more to us than it does to anyone else. It has to be what drives us to follow our hearts and be who we are meant to be. Letting go - of anything - is so difficult, but neceesary to be able to move forward. There are many circumstances we cannot change - we can only control how we react to those circumstances. We still have control - maybe not all of the control we want, but we still have it. We need to do things for us - not for anyone else nor should we care what anyone else will think. Those of us that are here for YOU will support you and not criticize. Those others that find ways to put us down only win if we let them. We give them permission. And then we gripe about it. It's our own fault. I say, "No More!" We are courageous and strong and powerful. Be true to your soul - that is what is most important of all. LET IT GO!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Talk about a wake up call

Yesterday, I got back on the path I started on over 8 months ago, but didn't realize how far off track I had gotten until I got to work yesterday morning. A co-worker called me and however I answered the phone, her reply was, "It's you!" I told her, "Of course, it's me. Who else would it be?" She told me that I had not been "me" for a couple of weeks now and others had noticed as well. I simply dismissed it and really did not think that my preoccupation with the weight goal had overcome my life as much as it was apparent to everyone else. Looking back, it became a focus - almost an obessession - everyday. Weighing myself two times a day was not unheard of recently. Guess what? It was making me crazy and it was apparent to everyone else except me. The scale is exactly where it has been since I bought it, but now I have no desire to even know what it says. I had self-imprisoned myself into thinking that the number at the end of my feet defines who I am. This whole process began because of something much more than making new friends, losing weight, or this blog. It began with a simple thought that came to me back in January. I find it difficult to even remember what I was like before this all began. Nothing can compare to where I am now and wherever I am going from this point forward. We all have things that become distractions and detour us from our path - just remember to follow your heart. I read a quote in a book, "That little voice you keep ignoring is the only one you should ever listen to." - Lisa Scottoline. Be ready for your wake up call - it will come not when you expect it, but when you are ready for it. Have an awesome day.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Re-focused

I have to apologize...my attention has been elsewhere and have needed to come back to this place. You may ask, what lead to this slight delay? As silly as it sounds, it was a scale. My goal to lose 30 pounds will be over on October 1st and for the past week, I have become more interested in what the scale said. Yes, my running started with a weight loss goal, but people were reminding me of how I needed to view a loss of even 28 pounds as a success instead of a failure. I would view that as a failure. Over the last couple of days, I have been thinking more about the journey and not the end result and why the journey itself is most important. I am reminded to "Embrace the journey" everyday because of a bracelet I wear. Yesterday, I took time to write in my journal and had not done so for over a month. I have resolved not to get back on the scale until October 1st and whatever it says, I will be happy with. Thank you for your patience and especially to those friends who just want to knock me upside the back of head sometimes. You know who you are and I am grateful everyday of your support and encouragement. It is truly unbelievable. Sometimes, we have to take time to refocus and find "balance" to make it all work. Take time to do that and it becomes so much easier. Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

STRT 2DY

Do you know what this says? This is my new license plate and it is a constant reminder about what reoccuring theme has been here throughout this entire journey. This blog is titled on purpose - It Starts Today. I am reenergized about what next steps must be taken as I continue making my inner soul shine. I have given time to myself that I never took before. I reflect on those things that are most important and am much more open with people around me. I am impassioned with courage, love, and freedom like never before. As I look back at how this whole thing began, I sometimes shake my head to think, "How did I get here?" It began over 8 months ago and I have confronted and accepted some of my worst fears in the process. I have made new friends, some of which have permanently left their footprints on my heart. I have grown in my outlook on life and am happier for it. Remember, that whatever it is that you have been putting off - tell yourself that it starts today. Everyday. It shows determination and confidence in whatever you want to do. Believe in yourself and follow your gut. Be glad you did it instead of regretting later that you didn't. It will make a difference and you will be better for it.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Different People, Same Minds

Someone told me yesterday that I needed to post something for August...when she told me that, I wondered what could I say? Am I running out of things to say? Then, I thought of her and another co-worker who I had visited with briefly earlier in the week and I found that we all had something in common. As I compared the three of us, I realized that we all come from different places, but are here...in the same place in our minds. If we aren't there yet, we cetainly want to be there. The more I am willing to open up and give freely of what I have to offer, I am still surprised at the reaction I receive from others. Our paths cross periodically at work, but never do we really get to know each other and appreciate who we really are as people. It is a shame that we cannot do that more, because that is what living is really about. Giving of ourselves, our genuine selves, is the most precious gift we can give anyone. People need to be less judgemental, more patient, and more understanding. For a very long time, I wanted things to be different, but didn't know how to start, where to start, etc. Then, it happened on its own. When this started, I told someone who questioned, "Why us?" and "Why now?" "that we are ready to receive it now." It has been a long time coming, but I am very grateful that I am not alone in my thinking about life. Every day, I am amazed that other people think similar thoughts as I do. Together, we will make it better. Every storm begins with just one drop of rain. Maybe this is our storm. Have a wonderful weekend.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

FEAR is a 4 letter word

For being a strong-willed, self-confident woman in her 40's, I never realized how much fear I have. I believe we all have fear - we cannot be brave all of the time. It can paralyze the best of us into doing nothing and playing it safe. Or, even worse, it can cause us to retreat and move in a direction that is back and not forward. It is so easy to tell people what we want to be different but it is extremely difficult to actually do it. I once told someone that, "The biggest dilemma will not be figuring out what we are meant to do. It will be having the courage to do it." Recently, I heard the word "vulnerable" as someone asked me if I ever show that side of me. I had not heard it in a long time and it made me think. If we admit we are fearful, then we might also admit that we are vulnerable. I don't think anyone would like to admit that they are vulnerable, because that may be interpreted as weak. I also realized that I do not let people see my "vulnerable" side - not even in front of my husband. I never let him see me cry. The one day this year he did, he said, "What are you crying for?" That kind of ruined it for me. This year, I have done more self-reflecting and soul-searching that I have done in my life. Do you have a fear that keeps you from following your dreams? What are you doing to overcome that fear? My biggest fear is failure - and everyone seeing that I failed. I realize I cannot be perfect, but I try to be perfect in front of others. It is hard and makes me take a deep breath everytime I think about it. FEAR is a four-lettered word we should try to eliminate from our vocabulary. FEARLESS is twice as long so must be twice as strong. :-)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Constant challenges

They are everywhere. I find myself knowing what needs to be done, but am still being the ever "cautious and play it safe" girl I have always been. Some situations require that, but most of the time it is just in my head. I need to continue to remind myself of everything that I want to change, but am afraid to. Afraid of disappointment, of failing, of getting hurt, and the list goes on. It makes me sad when I think about how I could be, but deep down I know I am not there yet, completely. Most days are better than others, but when given new challenges, old habits want to creap their way back in. I have to find ways to overcome and keep those old thoughts away so that I can continue to be the person I need/want to be. I have reminded others lately that I do not like any attention on me. A co-worker asked me earlier this week if I had been losing weight. I shrugged it off and said "maybe". You and I both know the answer, but as much as I was grateful that she noticed, I also just wanted that conversation to be about anything else, but me. Even talking with my boss about my upcoming review makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because I expect any surprises or anything bad, but I don't want the the attention. Deep down...I know I need to let go of this fear and accept the challenges and need to quit trying to run from them. Doing so only leaves me back where I was, not further ahead, where I want to be. This is so hard, but I know will be worth it. Have an AWESOME day!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Crazy day - little bit of whining

I know most of us could probably agree that in most cases, Mondays can be crazy for whatever reasons. The day started out normal enough, but then things started happening. Weird, unusual, and out of the ordinary. I was asked by someone new to speak at one their monthly meetings about motivation. This would take place probably in September and I would have about 45 minutes to talk. I have bits and pieces for the first talk I was asked to give (but have yet to give it yet - maybe November), but nothing is finalized yet. I don't even have a powerpoint put together or an outline. I was totally speechless when I read the email. I called a friend and I whined. I knew that was going to be the intention of the call and she dismissed me because she knows I'll do it. In truth, I could not even speak when she first answered the phone - like someone had kicked me in the gut. She really is an awesome friend. I guess even though I talk about all these things I could do, want to do, etc, I don't usually follow through without some grumbling first. Today, I was also given a music CD with some very specific songs on it that was burned just for me. I know some of it is meant to be motivational (to run to in the am), some of it is meant to encourage me to continue the path my life is taking. I also know that with everything I have learned over these months I cannot go back and that this is all meant to be. Why is this so difficult? I found this quote today by Leo Buscaglia -“It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.” How ironic that I find this on a day when all of these other things (that happen for reasons) occurred? It will make sense to me soon...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Getting frustrated?

I am. It has been a rough week. Physically exhausting for various reasons, emotionally draining, and I am just feeling like I am being run down. These last few days, I have just been feeling like I keep doing things for other people and am not taking time for me. I feel like I just need to get away, even for a couple of hours, and put everything else on hold. It does not help that it all kind of happened in one week. Monday, I was feeling very unmotivated. I didn't run (the weather guy said it would be raining when I would be up, so I didn't go) and I could have. I know I am pushing myself to run more, especially since I found out this weekend that I will now have to run three times as long to meet my new goal for September. I have not even gotten up to running twice as long, let alone three times! This blog is not meant to be a downer, but life sometimes is, so I am not hiding anything. By the time any of you read this, I will be long past this, but I am fairly confident that you all have been here. It will pass, I know. I have to keep going. No one else will do it for me. Have a great day!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Men don't get it

Ok, before you think this is a men-bashing post, you are wrong. Most, if not all, of you will agree with me. I love my husband dearly as we approach our 21st wedding anniversary next week. If you have been following along since the beginning, you know that I have been making internal and external changes to myself. This journey has been a mind-SHIFT of where I was and where I want to be and how I can get there. I have also started exercising as well and have had some success there as well. My husband has noticed those external changes and has made nice comments that motivate me to continue. I would do it for me anyway, but it is still nice for him to say. But when I try to talk to him about this blog, or any of the other "soul-changing" thoughts I have, he tunes out. He doesn't need to know how a hug given to a co-worker made their day or how I feel more empowered than I have in so many years. He doesn't need to get it. Ultimately, if I am happy and continue to live my life as I have (you and I both know it is better :-), then that is all he cares about. Most of the books I have read are not written by men. Women have a unique vocabulary and way of looking at the world. We continue to try to save it, while the men just accept it "for what it is." However, we need men to be our supporters and even if they don't get it, they are there for us. We are grateful for that. Have a wonderful day!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Embrace the journey...

This process began as something unexpected, something new, something exciting, something fearful. In over 6 months, this journey continues to amaze me. Looking back, I am not even sure how I got here. Some of my biggest questions have been, " How did this happen?", "Will it go away?", "Why me?", etc. I have noticed great changes in my outlook and perspective on life and cannot imagine it being any different. Sometimes, I am upset when I feel like I have wasted time that I could have spent being here some time ago. But it was not meant to be. Recently, I have learned more about myself than I have learned in a very long time. I have reflected on my past, my present, and my future. As I have been willing to share more of myself and be less fearful, I have received more of others that have been willing to do the same. Since this all began, my vocabulary has changed dramatically. Postitive Attitude (more to come on this), Perseverence, Success, Vision, Growth, and the list continues. Sure, these were words that I used in casual conversation, but never did they become the back bone of what my life would be develop to be. I tell people that just get to know me, "What you see is what you get." That has never been a lie. However, it has been not a total truth because I have only been willing for people to see parts of me. Yet once the parts are put together, can one be whole. I have taken a journey I did not expect to take and have questioned, failed to understand the purpose (at times), been amazed by it, and have wondered where it leads to next. Someone once told me to "enjoy the ride". I have been doing that. I have even just tolerated the journey because it seemed meaningless to me on that particular day. Then, yesterday, I was reminded to embrace the journey. Embrace - to accept gladly and willingly - is something I had yet to do as I travel on this quest. I had accepted this as the way it was, but never really took hold of it, as in giving and receiving a hug. To really hold on and not wanting to let go. To treasure it so much that I would never want to lose it. Depending on what is being given and received, some embraces we wish would never end. I am there.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Don't live your life by the status quo

Are you in a rut? Where you just feel like you do the same old thing, and nothing ever changes? Even once you admit that you are in a rut, do you know how to get out of it? I have decided that the way it's always been is no longer good enough. I have mentioned to a few of you that this year is the year of "yes". What I mean is that I have been willing to say "yes" to more things this year than I have in a long time. I am trying new things and living outside the shell that I had created around me. Inside the shell, I could not get hurt, but I also could not experience life either. Take chances and be happy that you took them; not that you failed or that it didn't turn out the way you thought it would. I have mentioned previously that I have been getting up (before the crack of dawn) to jog about 4-5 times a week, sometimes with a very great friend. People have told me that they don't run...well, I never considered myself a runner. I would never put "Michelle" and "runner" in the same sentence, unless it was, "Michelle ran over a runner with her car." (I would never do that!) But I run and I feel so much better afterwards. I started slow and could not even run 2 blocks without getting out of breath. It was pretty sad. But my running partner kept encouraging me with her "just 10 more steps" (which by the way, really doesn't mean 10 more steps - it's more like 40, so I don't know where she learned to count). Now, I am jogging about 12 miles a week, sometimes more. It is what I do now to start my day and I really get upset when I cannot run at 5am. I know...it sounds messed up. I have lost 10 pounds since we started in April. In mid-May, my mind set changed dramatically. Part of it was watching a young man who was born with no limbs below his elbows and knees who was training for a triathalon. I could no longer make excuses. I yearned for something different in my life and I was determined to persevere. Running became that release and has allowed me to be more free than ever before. I have gone outside my comfort zone and continue to challenge myself and make that comfort zone bigger each day. Regardless out the outcome, continue to push yourselves to do more today than you did yesterday. I promise you will be so happy that you did. Just tell yourself - 10 more steps! Have an awesome day!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Determination

Some of you may know that I have been getting up most mornings at 4:45am and jogging/walking, sometimes with a friend. Before that, I cannot tell you the last time I really committed myself to an exercise regimine. Since my boys were born, almost 20 years ago, my priorities have been elsewhere. Trying to be everything to everyone else, I put myself last on my list. No more. I have come to realize that I am no good to anyone else unless I start taking time for me. Without guilt. I know that it is hard sometimes for us women to do that. There are some mornings that it rains and I cannot get up and run and I feel like my day will not be as good as if I had run. Isn't that interesting? I never ran in high school, and yet now I get up and run about 4-5 times a week for about 12 miles (probably more). I am more determined to continue this newly found activity as it betters my health and I am seeing results. Even my husband called me "skinny" - I know I am thinner but probably not skinny. I am continuing to push myself to go farther, even if I am not running with my friend. I cannot go back. I am reminded of Dr Kevin Elko's comment about people will tell you what they want very easily, but won't tell you what they are willing to get there. I told someone that I wanted to lose 20 pounds by September. I am determined to do just that. I will continue to work hard and get up early. I have not been on a scale yet, because if I do, the number may not be as low as I would want, and then I will get mad and disappointed. You all know what I am talking about. Keep working hard. Success will be yours!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Doing something we don't want to

Yesterday, I shared my thoughts and fears with this friend I spoke about in my previous blog. I was very honest, upset, vulnerable, and just laid it all out there for her. Only she and God know what she thought as I shared some of my deepest thoughts and worries about our friendship. She told me that she did not want to make me feel uncomfortable and make me do something that I did not want to do. Guess what? That's exactly what I needed her to do. I needed her to make me do something I was reluctant to do. She has been doing that for a few months now. Think about it - from when we were small children, our parents pushed us to do our chores, told us to get good grades, that we needed to practice our instruments. We didn't want to. For what purpose? To teach us a lesson, to make us better, so that we have something to look forward to, etc. In life, that never ends. Now, we have bosses that want us to do our jobs right, kids that need to be taken to soccer practice, etc. It never ends. But the best part is that it should never end. Those people in our lives that make us do things we don't want to (or are reluctant to do) are doing us a favor, but we don't like it because we didn't ask for it. So, sometimes, that makes us mad and resentful. I have to be willing to "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" instead of feeling the fear and running away. If I do that, I never get better and never change my life. I felt stronger yesterday and even today, because I was so honest with her and have decided to let her in. Her husband says, "It is what it is." I agree. Whenever you feel like you are doing something you don't want to, try to find the benefit for you. I am sure there is one.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Retreat or stay

I could not sleep last night. I am encountering a new frontier and at my age it is something I have not had in almost 42 years. As I look deep into my soul, I realize that I have never really had great, close friends. Sure, I am friendly with people, but do not let a lot of people see the real me. I care deeply for those around me whether they are co-workers, neighbors,etc. I try to remember important things in their lives to show that I care. My belief is that if you care about someone and something is important in their life, then the something must be important to you. By great friends, I mean really spend time together outside of your normal interactions of work, kids' school, etc. This means going to lunch, shopping, playing golf, going on vacations, sharing your dreams, your frustrations, etc. I have never done that with anyone other than my husband and it more than terrifies me. I probably over think the easiest of things and I know why. I just have to fix it because I want to fix it. I went shopping with a friend yesterday and we had a terrific time and enjoyed lunch as well. I cannot tell you the last time I did that. After I got home, I was very unfocused. I had things to do and all the time in the world to do them. I took a nap and did a lot of nothing, but my brain was still turned on. One half of my brain kept telling me to retreat - back away from this friendship before it goes anywhere. Almost immediately, another voice told me to stay because I have run away too many times in the past and I did not want to continue to do that for the rest of my life. Because if I run, I am not being who I want to be - I am being who I was and I know I am different now. It is not fair to this friend who has been caring, honest, and giving and I really do enjoy our time together. For as little of time that we have known each other, it feels like we have been friends forever. I have to be willing to let her in and take the wall down. I read my mission statement everyday because it reminds me of where I came from, where I am now, and where I so want to be. I have a saying in my office that I wrote, "Do what's right, not what's easy because doing what's right is never what's easy." It would be easy to retreat - but I know I have to stay because that is what is right.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Try something new

I sit here on Saturday morning thinking about the day ahead of me. Crazy as it may sound, I am trying something new with a friend in a few hours. Most of my life, I have been one who didn't want to depend on anyone, so I did most everything by myself. No, it is not because I am an only child - I am actually the oldest of 4, on my dad's side. I learned independence at a very young age and was very reluctant to ask for help, and even became angry when someone would offer to help me. Just ask my husband when we were first dating and working at the grocery store together in California. I interpreted accepting help was a sign of weakness and did not want to appear to be weak. Now, I see it as a sign of strength because it is when we swallow our pride and allow others to come to our aid that we actually become stronger than we were before. Also, we learn what our true limits are because some of us believe we can do anything. Even Superman needed Lex Luther, his archnemesis. Superman needed Lex to test his abilities and learn what devious plot he could foil. I am in unchartered territory for me and it makes me nervous and hopeful at the same time. Is there a question about whether or not I will survive this huge ordeal? No. Should it be this big of a deal that I am taking up space and time writing about it? No. But all new things we encounter and experience make us nervous and excited all the same. More often than not, we usually have a good experience - unless you compare it to my first of two massages I have ever had. That will have to be another topic for another post. Point is, be willing to try something new - even at the urging of others - because at some point we all have had to try everything we like now in order to find out that we like it or don't like it. Make a journal of the things you try during a week and write down your reactions. Plus, it is always fun to look back at when you first tried something. Have a FANTABULOUS day!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Give a compliment, a smile, or a hug

There are so many times we are too busy to smile at someone you pass in the grocery store aisle or to even give a hug to a loved one. We need to take time to give a smile to perfect strangers or give a new friend a hug. It is even better to give a compliment. Have you ever seen someone's face light up because at that moment, you cared more about them than yourself? I love the saying about how people might not remember what you did or said but they remember the way you made them feel. You will make them feel important, if even for a moment. It is so rewarding to take the first step and go outside the comfort zone and say good morning to someone you don't know. I wave to people in my neighborhood and the lots of people as I drive around town. My boys will ask me, "Who was that?" I'll say, "I don't know." Now, I admit, I am better at giving than receiving - always have been. But I am working at it. I am trying to be better at thanking someone for noticing me and making me feel important as much as I try to do the same. I want to encourage you all to keep giving it away. We are never too poor to afford a hug, smile or compliment. They are free to give and can keep giving. I promise the more you reach out, the more comes back. Give it a try!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Got burned

Last night, I received some disheartening news. One of the kids I have worked with received new criminal charges. I am not supposed to know so when he tells me for himself next week, I am to act surprised. I am still upset, but ultimately he made a bad choice and now he will have to deal with the consequences. You may be asking yourselves, "Why is Michelle putting this negative stuff out there? This is a motivational blog." This is why - this is a check for me. I need to read my Mission Statement every day. It is what helped me stop being angry and disappointed last night when I got the news. Because I like this kid and want him to succeed, I felt like he didn't care about what I might think about him doing something wrong. Truth is - it's not about me. Then, I had to ask myself, "Would I have done anything different with this kid had I known he might make this kind of choice?" Maybe - but I didn't know and I had faith in him that he would make good decisions going forward. I love my job and working with the kids and even though I cannot change them all, I am reminded of the "Starfish story". In short, this little girl come along this beach and finds all of these starfish on the shore and she picks each one up and throws it back into the ocean. An older gentleman comes upon her and tells her that she cannot possibly save them all. She very simply tells him she will try to save all she can. She keeps trying and giving it her all. Even though I got burned, I will continue to do the same. Sometimes we get burned to see what we are made of - whether we are in it for the short run or the long haul. I'm in it for the long haul.