When we let fear win

I really dislike fear, but we all have it. Yes, even I do. Next to FEAR in my back pocket is its usual sidekick, DOUBT. And boy do I hate it when they tag team me from time to time. This week, I started the G.I.F.T. and yesterday I struggled with overthinking what I did ot didn't do and how it could've gone better. My expectation was to try to get these wonderful women to be open to something different and if you were to ask them or me if I accomplished that, then I would bet our answers would be, "yes." I know I am way too hard on myself, and I was told a couple of times to "let it go." Guess what I had told these ladies Tuesday night, "Let it go." I really dislike it when my own words are reminded of where I need to be. Thanks. If you were to ask me what I was fearful of after Tuesday night, I know what my answer would be, but ultimately, I am afraid that I just might be on to something and it will take me places I want to go. Then, FEAR's little friend, DOUBT shows up because she needs some attention too. Then I doubt if something I said did any kind of difference at all. Kind of like, "What's the point?" Then, I saw someone yesterday that did not come Tuesday night, but was invited. And was so fearful that she couldn't come inside. She drove to the building and let her FEAR and DOUBT win. She never did come in. I am not sure how long she waited outside before she left, but she tells me she will come next month (October 25th) for sure. Today, I was thinking about how I was letting my FEAR and DOUBT win and she did the same thing, but for different reasons. In order for me to help others, I have to let go of what holds me back. It makes it easier that way. For BC, I have to let COURAGE and CONFIDENCE show their pretty little faces and let them lead. I acknowledge that FEAR and DOUBT may still be creeping around the corner and will show up from time to time, but right now looking ahead, I see COURAGE and CONFIDENCE. Fear cannot win. Doubt cannot win. I choose.

Invoking Change

You have been called this morning to invoke change in your life. Yes, I am talking to you. Don't turn around thinking I am talking to someone else. I mean YOU!! Here is where it begins...your new life. Today. Quit stalling and taking the easy road out. That gets you no where...and you deserve more than no where. Don't you? Yes, you do. I deserve more than no where. I would love to hear if anyone of you has made changes in their lives since reading this...even if I don't, I will still post. I will still reach out and encourage you to INVOKE CHANGE. Instead of believing that you have no control over your life and what is in front of you right now, you can feel powerful (no powerless) about what the day brings to you. You will be ready for it. Even through storms and someone else's chaos, you will hold stern and be ready for what comes next. I was visiting with one of my son's yesterday and he was frustrated and strives for perfection - every time. But only in sports. In every other aspect of his life (college, school, etc), he cuts himself a break. But not when he is pitching or golfing. I told him to show where someone won all of the PGA tournaments in one year or struck everyone out. It just doesn't happen. No one hits a home run every time they are at bat...no one sinks a shot every time the basketball leaves their hand. Control what you can. Change what you can. YOU can change your attitude and your effort. You have to believe it. Once your mind is in the right place, you can accomplish anything. Maybe not on the first try...maybe not like you thought it would look like...maybe not tomorrow. You have so many things to look forward to and why are you not looking forward to them? Because you are afraid and because it is easier to do nothing. And then they wonder why their life doesn't change...and they do not realize that they control that. What do you want out of your today and the time that you have been given? Do you want to stay stuck and be somewhere different? Change is difficult and makes us crazy at times and brings fear to the surface like never before. But what if?

Some situations are just difficult

I know this seems redundant, but I seem to be in more situations that make me feel uncomfortable and then I turn into something I am not. Fear kicks in and then I regret later. Point is that I do not like attention on me - it can be on my sons or something I am talking about, but not me. Even though the attention is good, I just don't like the fuss. Just let me quietly sneak out the back door and let it be over. I am good with that. Even when I was younger and attention came my way, I didn't like it. There is a picture of me when I was in 9th grade where I am accepting one of many awards that day, but you would think that I was going to jail based on my facial expression. Accolades and nice compliments should make me happy, but for some reason, I want to run from them as fast as I can. In my job, some people believe that because I am out in the community and meeting new people that I am someone that thrives on that kind of attention. Truth is, I would much rather do something anonomously than ever receive a hint of credit. I am a giver by nature and do not receive well. Recently, I have been called the "b" word - no it is not what you think. "Beautiful" is what has been mentioned to me over the course of a couple of weeks, and I would never in a million years use that word as a way to describe me. There are many other ways to describe me, but as this online journal seems to be taking on a life of its own, I have to be ready to go into unchartered waters. I have to swallow hard and "embrace the journey" that is before me. I love being me now that I let the world see it, but just wish people wouldn't notice, that's all. How is that for a conundrum? If I can find a way to get over this, and accept (maybe not welcome - that might be a stretch right now) whatever attention comes my way, then that will be big. The most important step we ever take is the first one. Have a fantabulous Friday!

Who cares?

We all have fears. Some that are related to possible life and death situations and others, not so much. Most are somewhere in the middle. I have noticed that I don't seem to hold on to my fears as much as I used to, even just a year ago. This summer, the word "shopping" would make me almost double over and be physically sick. I recently heard a quote, "Knowledge is the enemy of fear." and I liked it so much that it is on my signature for my work email, but it is so much more than that. Fear is what we think of when we let our minds get ahead of our hearts. Sometimes, our mind is a terrible thing and can be very detrimental to our wellbeing. We have to give up fear in order to believe that it will work out for the best. Every decision that we make is done under those same premises, so why shouldn't our tasks? A friend of mine shared some fears she has that I want to help her get over, taking "baby steps" (she likes to use that term), but in order for us to do that, we might be around other people. I know what it feels like to believe that you cannot breathe and that you have to go into "fight or flight" mode. So when I suggested some things we could do to overcome those fears, she became very concerned that other people would be around, possibly watching her. I point blank asked her, "Who cares what they think? They don't know you and you don't know them, so why is what they think of you more important than what I think or you think of yourself?" I have lived an extra-ordinary life (not extraordinary) and could not make up what has happened to me. Although it does make for some good story telling. For my junior prom, I wore a strapless white dress which, of course, was the same exact dress as the other girl who was going with us. This was way before cell phones and the internet and social networking, so you had to go by verbal description over the phone or trying to describe it in person. I am more comfortable wearing sneakers and shorts than heels and a dress. Have been my entire life. As I was walking up a flight of stairs, I stepped on the front of my dress, bringing it down a little lower than it should have been. Yes, please stop laughing now. I could have died!! All of my classmates got more of a show than expected, I am sure. That happened in front of a group of people that I would see again (on Monday at school) and I am here to tell the story many years later. Guess what...I didn't die and I am not even sure if anyone remembers that it happened, not even my date. No one ever said anything to me, so I forgot about it. It was over. So again, I ask you, "Who cares?" We all had to learn to ride a bike, speak in front of the class, drive a car at some point. Live your life and don't be afraid. It just holds you back and we spend more time thinking that other people are spending time thinking about us than they really do. Truth is, they are saying what I am saying, "who cares?" Seriously.

I found me!

As silly as that sounds, it is what I wrote down Saturday morning. I had not run that morning, so that could not be why I was acknowledging this new found treasure. I am still dedicated to everything this is going to be. I saw a former neighbor the other day who had not seen me for a couple of months and also visited with a current neighbor last week. I have not really seen these ladies for some time and it was great to catch up. They could tell I had made some physical changes and I got them up to speed on how that went and also on the journey I continue to take. I continue to tackle fears that I had buried so deep, I had forgotten they were even there. I know that I will be successful and am looking forward to new challenges every day, even those that I cannot solve. I don't think I ever really lost me...I think I just decided to show me to the world. So far, nothing negative has happened and I am surpised consistantly with the positive feedback I have received from it all. Part of me wishes I had done this all sooner, but I wasn't ready. I don't want to start having any regrets now. I am amazed at how free I feel in letting me be me. Every day, I am reminded of the journey I am on and continue to embrace what it means to me everyday. I know sometimes I lose sight of it, but it is never very far away. I don't think I could stop this, even if I tried. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes.

FEAR is a 4 letter word

For being a strong-willed, self-confident woman in her 40's, I never realized how much fear I have. I believe we all have fear - we cannot be brave all of the time. It can paralyze the best of us into doing nothing and playing it safe. Or, even worse, it can cause us to retreat and move in a direction that is back and not forward. It is so easy to tell people what we want to be different but it is extremely difficult to actually do it. I once told someone that, "The biggest dilemma will not be figuring out what we are meant to do. It will be having the courage to do it." Recently, I heard the word "vulnerable" as someone asked me if I ever show that side of me. I had not heard it in a long time and it made me think. If we admit we are fearful, then we might also admit that we are vulnerable. I don't think anyone would like to admit that they are vulnerable, because that may be interpreted as weak. I also realized that I do not let people see my "vulnerable" side - not even in front of my husband. I never let him see me cry. The one day this year he did, he said, "What are you crying for?" That kind of ruined it for me. This year, I have done more self-reflecting and soul-searching that I have done in my life. Do you have a fear that keeps you from following your dreams? What are you doing to overcome that fear? My biggest fear is failure - and everyone seeing that I failed. I realize I cannot be perfect, but I try to be perfect in front of others. It is hard and makes me take a deep breath everytime I think about it. FEAR is a four-lettered word we should try to eliminate from our vocabulary. FEARLESS is twice as long so must be twice as strong. :-)

Doing something we don't want to

Yesterday, I shared my thoughts and fears with this friend I spoke about in my previous blog. I was very honest, upset, vulnerable, and just laid it all out there for her. Only she and God know what she thought as I shared some of my deepest thoughts and worries about our friendship. She told me that she did not want to make me feel uncomfortable and make me do something that I did not want to do. Guess what? That's exactly what I needed her to do. I needed her to make me do something I was reluctant to do. She has been doing that for a few months now. Think about it - from when we were small children, our parents pushed us to do our chores, told us to get good grades, that we needed to practice our instruments. We didn't want to. For what purpose? To teach us a lesson, to make us better, so that we have something to look forward to, etc. In life, that never ends. Now, we have bosses that want us to do our jobs right, kids that need to be taken to soccer practice, etc. It never ends. But the best part is that it should never end. Those people in our lives that make us do things we don't want to (or are reluctant to do) are doing us a favor, but we don't like it because we didn't ask for it. So, sometimes, that makes us mad and resentful. I have to be willing to "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" instead of feeling the fear and running away. If I do that, I never get better and never change my life. I felt stronger yesterday and even today, because I was so honest with her and have decided to let her in. Her husband says, "It is what it is." I agree. Whenever you feel like you are doing something you don't want to, try to find the benefit for you. I am sure there is one.

Retreat or stay

I could not sleep last night. I am encountering a new frontier and at my age it is something I have not had in almost 42 years. As I look deep into my soul, I realize that I have never really had great, close friends. Sure, I am friendly with people, but do not let a lot of people see the real me. I care deeply for those around me whether they are co-workers, neighbors,etc. I try to remember important things in their lives to show that I care. My belief is that if you care about someone and something is important in their life, then the something must be important to you. By great friends, I mean really spend time together outside of your normal interactions of work, kids' school, etc. This means going to lunch, shopping, playing golf, going on vacations, sharing your dreams, your frustrations, etc. I have never done that with anyone other than my husband and it more than terrifies me. I probably over think the easiest of things and I know why. I just have to fix it because I want to fix it. I went shopping with a friend yesterday and we had a terrific time and enjoyed lunch as well. I cannot tell you the last time I did that. After I got home, I was very unfocused. I had things to do and all the time in the world to do them. I took a nap and did a lot of nothing, but my brain was still turned on. One half of my brain kept telling me to retreat - back away from this friendship before it goes anywhere. Almost immediately, another voice told me to stay because I have run away too many times in the past and I did not want to continue to do that for the rest of my life. Because if I run, I am not being who I want to be - I am being who I was and I know I am different now. It is not fair to this friend who has been caring, honest, and giving and I really do enjoy our time together. For as little of time that we have known each other, it feels like we have been friends forever. I have to be willing to let her in and take the wall down. I read my mission statement everyday because it reminds me of where I came from, where I am now, and where I so want to be. I have a saying in my office that I wrote, "Do what's right, not what's easy because doing what's right is never what's easy." It would be easy to retreat - but I know I have to stay because that is what is right.

I need to apologize

Someone mentioned to me the other day that it has been some time since I last wrote. It has not been because I have stopped this process. In fact, I have reached a new level which I will share with you in a moment. I have never stopped thinking about what responsibility I have now if people know about what I am doing. I am not just accountable to myself but I am to them as well. I have started to get up early (4:45am) twice a week to work out with a friend. We enjoy each other's company and it is a great way to see the sun come up. I want you to know that I have been very busy reading on how I can be better and what changes I need to make in myself. With all of the questions I have had, I was searching for what to do next. So of course, the book titled, "I could do anything if I knew what it was" has been extremley helpful. It forced me to look at why I am the way I am, using my childhood as reasons for my disposition. Then, something amazing happened to me yesterday. I wrote the Mission Statement for my life. It has it's own page on this same blog. I could not get the words on the paper fast enough and as quickly as they came, I spent no time really even questioning the words and their meaning. It was like they were just there. My day was "FANTABULOUS". I know that it is a made up word, but when I said it, people looked at me different. Even those that did not know I wrote a Mission Statement. I was so excited, I called two friends and read it to them over the phone and then I emailed it to them. It is emotional and raw but it is there. Take a look and let me know what you think.

WOW!!!

The last 24 hours have been almost a whirlwind. I went to lunch with a new friend who is there as I take this journey. It was a lunch we had planned for a week or so and really are enjoying getting to know each other. She asked me one question that has sent me reeling since. Up til this point I have been good at motivating others to make changes in their lives, but did not expect her question to change mine. She simply asked me if I would come to her office and speak about attitude to her co-workers. This may sound silly, but I still am not sure what I am learning from this process so how can I share it with others? The prospect of speaking to this group is not what I am afraid of. I am terrified of what comes after. I keep asking myself, "What can I bring to the table that is not already there?" When we are invited for a dinner party or potluck, we check with the hostess to see what everyone else is bringing, which helps us make our decision on what to bring. Every morning, I receive a daily Bible verse and this morning's was Acts 20:24 - "But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord." I don't believe in coincidence. Things happen for a reason. Most of the time, I read the Bible verse, delete it, say a little prayer, and start my day. This one is still on my phone.
The little voice has told me over and over today that I cannot be encouraging others to be courageous if I am not willing to do the same. One of the books that changed my life is called, "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." Right now, I feel like I am standing at the edge of the pool, wanting to get in. Not sure if I just jump in and get it over with or do I dip my toe in a little, getting a little more wet each time. Or do I wait for someone to push me in. The end result is the same...once I am in the pool it is ok because that is where I wanted to be. It doesn't matter how I got there.
In my job, I motivate young people about how they can CHOOSE what happens in their lives and how they are not destined to be anything because of circumstances. I teach them about giving more of yourself instead of getting more for yourself. I remind them that they need to do what is right, not what is easy, because usually doing what is right is not what is easy. Now, I am being asked to give that same kind of a talk to a group of adults. My philosophy has always been that I would rather give a speech in front of 200 people instead of accept an award in front of 10. Why? When you accept an award, the focus is on you. When you speak, the focus is what you are talking about.
In case you are wondering, I agreed to give the presentation to her group.