Where you don't belong

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when you were some place and you knew you shouldn't be there or not sure if it mattered if you were there? I am sure we all have. I remember going to a then-friend's son's graduation party and feeling like everyone had their eyes on me and I couldn't wait to get out of there after saying my polite "congratulations" and drop off my card. Do we take obligations like that and go just because we were invited, even if you know you shouldn't go? I know I have felt uncomfortable attending a "spa" party that was given last spring. In fact, the turning of magazine pages were a reminder to keep my attitude in check, but I was not comfortable. It was out of my league and I did not want to feel dumb. Everyone else was going to love the "foot massage" and "mini facial" and I wanted to just bee-line to the door as fast as I could. But, I stayed enjoyed it the best I could and knew it would not be something I would probably do again anytime soon. We all have some dysfunction in our lives, and even when we think no one else has it like us, we still find a way to get through it. Even when it is uncomfortable and people say mean things that really don't need to be said. Are you some place that you know you don't belong? You know it when you feel it, don't you? Here is the interesting part...you know it when you are some place where you belong, too, don't you? Yes, you feel that too.

Never too late

I have to believe that there are some situations where it is never too late. I tell people to never give up and you only believe to never give up if you also believe first that it is not too late. There is one situation that I am dealing with now that I tell myself every day that it's never too late. I have to believe that and will always believe that until I am told otherwise. When I am told that I can never fix it, that I can never be forgiven, that it can never go back to the way it was before. Those words may never be said, but every day I live as if the wrong I did never happened, but still try to make it up inside my heart. That is the hardest part of all. Is it ever too late? I believe it is only too late when we start living with regrets or have passed on from this world. I have not been very good about exercising this holiday weekend and at this time of year, people make resolutions that usually include eating better, exercising more, giving more, etc. You know...the list goes on with slightly different words, but the intent is the same. You know it and I know it. Then, what happens if we miss a day here or there...we give up and say it's too late. Why do we give up so easily? Because you miss one day, that doesn't mean you throw the other 364 days out too! It just means you missed one day. That's it. One day. It's still not too late. I never thought I would have the body I do now, and even Rocky didn't think I would become what I have because of that one day at lunch in April of 2010. I know I surprised myself as much as I surprised her. This year, I will again focus again on staying fit in a couple of different ways and look forward to the challenges that I expect to encounter along the way. I want to define myself in ways that will bring joy to this world and am not willing to concede that it's too late. For any of us. Don't ever believe that either.

When you transform

At Thursday night's meeting of the G.I.F.T., I was talking about reflection and asking the women if 2011 went the way they thought it would. I mention that I change every day and my co-worker, DM, mentioned to the group that, "Homme has changed a lot" and she has known me for over 4 years, so she has probably seen me change quite a bit. I have transforme and continue to each and every day. I never know what the new day will bring to me but I have to embrace each word said, each deed completed, and each person met as they all serve some significance in my life. Sometimes, I do not know what their meaning is at the time that I encounter them, but at some point, I will understand and know. Have you ever transformed or seen someone else transform? People have not only seen my attitude towards life change, but also noticed when my body changed with daily exercise. Sometimes, out changes are so suttle that we think no one will ever notice. I love that...not being noticed and have tried to blend into the background for most of my life. Even when I knew I couldn't, I felt uncomfortable for the attention that came my way. When I see others transform, that is one of my greatest joys. Not because I may or may not have had anything to do with it, but when they transform for good and the light seems to go on. I told SM the other day that she was the best and she replied that she is getting better. She is trying to be better, even if no one notices. SM - I notice. We all change for reasons and need to make sure that we notice those around us that we care about and love. Take the time to mention the changes you see...you may be the one person who pays attention that makes all the difference.

What's your word?

Is there a word that would describe you? I think at any given moment, we have a feeling that would describe us. Maybe not the only word, but one that just pops into our head. Usually, we can find an emotion that will describe how we feel during a particular event. Also, we would all associate that same feeling with a similar type event had we been experiencing it as well. So, as you read this, what is your word? For me, sometimes it is difficult to pick just one. Right now, I think it would be determined. I have made new and exciting things happen to me over the last two years and I am determined to see all of that new knowledge be used to make me and my life better. Perhaps in doing so, it allows others to do the same. I never know where this road will take me and I have to allow the heart to lead. My word will change probably in ten minutes, but right now, I am focused on the tasks yet before me that include something very new and exciting that I will begin this weekend. Believe me, I couldn't understand why this new idea came to me when it did and I had to share with a few people who also became excited with me. Every once in a while we get so caught up in the daily grind of work, family, responsibilites, life, etc that we forget to stop and think for one second. Sometimes I don't even get 30 seconds, so I need to make that time. It has to be important to me to know that not doing so doesn't make me more efficient, it makes me less efficient. I am better when I have many things in the fire, but spend a great deal of time tackling each one with great attention, all the time knowing that I gave that task my utmost attention and I didn't do it half-way. I gave it my all. What is your word? Remember, it will change.

Get lost

No, I don't mean for you to leave. I just mean that we all get lost from time to time. We all get off the tracks...we all get knocked down...we all get unexpected turns that leave us wondering what to do next. "Follow your heart and you will never get lost" is a plaque that LR gave to me for my birthday and it greets me every day I walk into my office. I looked at that plaque more today than I have since I first put it there on my bookshelf some five months ago. It reminded me of everything I ever need to know and to always let my heart lead me. If I fail to do so, then I get lost and forget where I am and where I need to be. I know we all do it, and my usual time at being lost is about 3 days. Just sayin. In those three days, my perspective and attitude change, but not usually because of something someone has said to me to get me "right" again. It is something that almost happens by itself, and because it comes to me when it does, I trust it. Completely. No one likes the feeling of not being sure what direction we are headed and most of us may use our GPS to assist us. I have talked about our internal GPS - our compass - that guides is out of harms way and trouble and allows us to continue on our path, even with a small detour. Getting lost can be a good thing because it forces us to see things that we may have overlooked or might not have seen all together. My head never would have been my hero in saving me or allowing me to find my way back "home". I always...ALWAYS...have to let me heart lead me there. There is no other way. Just accept that you will get lost and know that getting lost means that you can find your way back, too.

Be beautiful

Back in May, someone gave me a new outfit to wear for a family function. It was WAAAY outside my comfort zone but I trusted her judgement and allowed her to show me what I could be and how it was different than what I was. She actually wanted the clothes I was wearing to reflect how I felt inside - beautiful. Even in October, when a similar situation came about and she walked me to a mirror to see what she saw, I deflected. I didn't believe that I could be beautiful on the outside. I have never been a girly-girl and I think I was described as "cute". On the inside, I have no doubt that my heart, my soul, my everything is something beautiful, so why don't I let myself be beautiful on the outside? Why is it so hard for me to accept? Why can't I see what others see? It still makes me feel uncomfortable, but I try every day to take the compliments when they come, even if it is difficult for me to do so. Today, I wore something I never thought I would wear, even though I bought it. I wore it to work for the first time and received many compliments on the jacket you see in the picture of me. I never thought I could wear anything like that as I know it would bring attention to me. But I wore WAAAY different jewelry with it and so more than ever before, people noticed me and I was beautiful today. I can shine from the inside out but have never really accepted that my willingness to shine must also be noticed from the outside as well. They have to go hand in hand and the work more effectively that way also. So, if you think you can't be...if you think you are not deserving of it...if you think it is for someone else...I am here to tell you that you can be beautiful. Let yourself be. Share that beauty with the rest of us who are in awe of it and will always treasure the way it made us feel because of the way you felt...beautiful.

Luckiest girl in the world

I am not one to highlight anything that would draw attention to me, but this is different. I want the world to know that I am the luckiest girl in the world. I cannot even begin to fathom the gratitude, love, and appreciation I feel for those that care about me and love me. I never used to think that I was lucky, especially when I was younger. In fact, I would probably thought just the opposite. How lucky can I be that my parents divorced? How lucky can I be that I never really allowed myself to have any friends? How lucky can I be that when I took chances, they always seemed to turn out bad? I was the one who never played the lottery because I never thought I could win. It's hard to win if you never buy a ticket. I always viewed success as an accident, and usually thought it's longevity was going to be short lived. Things did not happen to me like that. They just didn't. Slowly but surely I would little pieces of me show themselves to others in ways, but I did not realize it at the time. Now, I see. When I started this journey and Rocky asked me those hard (but easy) questions, I began to see what I really wanted to do and how my feelings for others needed to be shown. People are always afraid of telling someone, "I love you" or "I need you", but now I probably say more than I should. I am not living this life with regrets and have tired to hold to my promise of being true to me. I have a husband who loves me, three sons who are smart, well-mannered young men who I am extremely proud of, and a life that brings me great joy. I have friends who would do anything I asked if they could and support me as I encounter this new adventure. I have choices that are mine to make and unknown challenges that are mine to conquer. I have my health and my mind and those two things can be very powerful. I have my future that has yet to be written just as the posts on this blog will bring insight to you. I am not one to believe in luck, but I believe that we have some opportunities to create our own luck. We just have to believe it and right now, I believe I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Ocean of regret

Are you out here? On this particular vast ocean that never seems to end and you can't even see the shoreline anymore? Where you just drift, day by day, at the mercy of the winds and currents that you have no control over? Do you want that for your life? Most people can't get off the ocean because they allow the ocean to dictate what happens next and the past keeps them out there. I have never really lived with regrets, but I certainly take charge of what I want more than I ever did to guarantee I don't start now. I used to be one that would just let things slide, even if it bothered me or I disagreed with someone's opinion. Not anymore. In fact, DM told me that she has noticed that change in me since she has known me. I might get myself into trouble when I open my mouth, but I will not swallow any more regret for keeping my mouth shut. What regrets do you have? Why do you carry them with you? Because we think we have to, but we really don't. We are led to believe that we have to carry them along their best friend, guilt. Unless you find a way to let go of both, they will follow you along, just like a piece of ribbon on your pants, secured there only by the static that brought the two together. Get out of this vast oceean as it can lead you to drowning in self pity and sorrow. Swim to shore...use the oars you are given...but get off the water. Let go.

Stay hungry

Now, I love to eat. I am not talking about actually consuming food, since I love cupcakes, pie, lobster, biscuits, etc. I love food and a variety of food, too. That is why getting up early and running was easier for me than any diet I could have self-imposed on myself. I am talking about your appetite for life. Are you nibbling away pieces here and there, hoping no one sees you? Or are you grazer where you just involved in a lot of things, but don't really stay vested in any of them? Or do you stop and take time to savor every piece you take in and allow that nourishment to fuel your soul? Come on, think about it? Really? I was a nibbler...like a mouse. I would get just a taste and then scamper away once other people came into the room and tried to get close. I would get just enough to quench my appetite and then hurry back to my safe, hole in the wall. And patiently wait for the next opportunity to maybe get just another little bite of life. Not so much anymore. Now, new things ecxite me and since I have changed everything, my zest for life has changed as well. I used to feel full after just some tid bit that was left on the ground by someone else. I am constantly hungry...sometimes more like starving...for something to feed my soul. I am never satisfied and yearn for the quest in looking for new ideas, new perspectives, and new ways to grow. The best part of this kind of growing is that you never have to find bigger pants as there are 0 calories when you feed your soul. Stay hungry for life as I promise it will set afire the blaze yet to be unleashed in your heart.

Having no pulse

Can you feel it? Just barely? Is it weak and maybe even not really noticeable? You know what I'm talking about...are you living with no pulse? Where you sit there and just say, "I got nothing." I did that the majority of my life. Not anymore. This week has been one for the record books in good ways that I never could have imagined and I continue to be changed every day. I have ideas that are coming so fast now and I have to make time to put them to good use. I received a call last night from BC - she is a woman who if I had to guess has been living with no pulse. She does was is expected, working when she needs to, but lets the fear of the unknown dictate what happens in her life. She allows the scariness of change to hold her back from exploring even one little thing that might just bring her the best joy she has had in a long time. She didn't have to call me, but the fact that she did tells me something. That she wants more, but is afraid to take the steps to get more. I get that. We are all afraid of things...fear is fear, regardless of what we makes us fearfull. I remember when the word shopping almost made me sick to my stomach when Rocky suggested it. Yes, I am being serious so stop laughing. BC is standing right at the edge of the pool wanting to get in, but not sure how to proceed. I am sure she asks herself, "Should I just jump in? I know the water will be an immediate rush of cold, but then it will be ok." Or does she say, "If I head into the water using the steps, it is more gradual and it takes longer." We all have different ways of getting "into the pool." Some of us are even pushed...and no one likes that, but it turns out that that was the best thing for us, even if we didn't think so at the time. Are you tired of feeling like you have no life? That nothing you do brings you joy and makes your day better? Ruts and being stuck are no fun for anyone. "You are not stuck where you are unless you choose to be." - Dr. Wayne Dyer People have this misconception that we have to continue where we are - we don't. But if you are looking for a change, as we enter this new year, don't make a resolution. People get caught up in falling short and then give up entirely because they failed. But, maybe they just failed one day. They failed for one minute. It doesn't mean the whole year was bad. Make yourself a promise to start living with a pulse. Because I need you to live that way as much as you need you to live that way. I promise you will never be more surprised at what you can do when you let the heart inside you pump life back into your body. Your soul will breath again.

What's in your dream box?

Where are your dreams? Are they tucked safely away in a box, full of clippings, articles, books, or other reminders of where you want to go? Maybe it is safely hidden under your bed or someplace even safer...in your mind, where no one will ever find it. Guess what? We all have them. Some of us have taken steps to pursue those dreams and others are still waiting...what you we waiting for? For some reason, Walt Disney comes to mind right now. His vision for seeing something for families to enjoy probably is nothing like what we know as the Disney corporation today. What do you dream about? For months, I have been encouraging the women of the G.I.F.T. to look deep to find their dreams. I am not sure if they actually do their "homework", but if anything they might look at life differently and I have planted the seed that one day may grow. They help me pursue my dreams as I shared with them last night some exciting news that occurred during the week. Here is what I have learned about my dream box...I thought I knew exactly what I had put in it so long ago. I had it hidden so well, that I had difficulty finding it. Then when I did, dusting it off and pulling out those items and beliefs was more like extracting things from a time capsule that had been buried 50 years ago. It was hard for me to accept that my heart wasn't there anymore and the things that I thought I wanted were no longer inportant to me. I had to let them go. That in itself can free you to the possibility of new dreams. In August of 2010, I shared my dream with Rock. Over the last year and half, I have taken some steps to make that dream a reality and continue to do so every day. There is a picture in my office that reads, "Create your own dreams and you create passion. Create dreams in others and you create heaven." I am doing both. My dream box is filled with different ideas, thoughts, and places I see myself in my future. My dream box will not be placed back under the bed to be forgotten and collect dust and spider webs. It is a living part of me, that I could never tuck away again, even in my mind. It must be shared. So again I ask you, what's in your dream box?

The Second Act

I have started looking at my life in two parts...just like a play. The first part was mostly the set up, with descriptions, background information, and certain players that may or may not stay important to come back for the Second Act. I started the Second Act about two years ago and can tell you that since I let "life" take a role in this important play, I absolutely love it! When I flub a line (yes, I have done that), I carry on. When I forget what to do next, I improvise. When I show up late for opening night, I apologize. When there is a problem with the backdrop, I fix it. Even though I am only two years into this part of my life, I know it is so much better than the first part of my life. I can feel it. I know it. When does your Second Act begin? Who are you inviting? What are you waiting for? The name of this blog has always been, "It Starts Today" - and that is for a reason. It has been one of the founding points that came to me when I first opened up in sharing what was going on in my life. I cannot always explain where these thoughts come from and have to trust them. Trust them with my eyes closed and let go of any previous notions or expectations. Because this life will not be what I expect it to be. I was not the playwrite for this play. I am merely an actor taking part in it. Some times, I might be on center stage with the entire world looking at me as I share these thoughts with everyone. At others times, I am off stage waiting to be called upon once again. Maybe I am on stage, but in the background somewhere, where I remain until it is my turn again. I am sure there are times when I sit in the audience as well and take it all in, watching the beautiful acts occur just before my eyes. I love to watch from that vantage point the best. I have been called a "silent partner" as Rocky's dream turned into reality. I like being in the shadows, where no one knows I am there, but I have access to all of the best places to see what unfolds before my very eyes. Her Second Act is simply amazing and I know she feels the same way. My Second Act is here and it is not something that I am in a hurry to complete, either. I am more prepared for life and all of the ups and downs that go with it and are almost expected from it. My Second Act is just getting started and when the curtain comes up again, I am ready.

Here we go!

Just like on a rollercoaster as you quietly wish you could change your mind, but also know that there is no turning back. Today, something exciting came to me. I shared it with a few people and actually found words that will accompany it as well. Yes, you will have to wait. But I am off to a new adventure as I start this new year and cannot wait for the joy and excitement that waits for me. I know it will be greater than I ever could imagine and am still so humbled by the fact that you are along for the ride. I have to accept that it will not go as I plan (because it is not my plan), but embrace this gift with the open arms in which it was given. I am looking forward to everything that it will and will not be and am encouraged by the answers that seem to be coming to me. That tells me that it is right. That the way is as it is meant to be and I sit here with a huge grin on my face as I continue to almost find the right words. How do you describe pure elation? When you almost fill as if your heart will explode because it seems to full and your trying to contain it would cause more damage than good? When telling someone would be an injustice, because now they know and might require you to keep your word? it is important to share exciting news and I cannot even really explain why this happened today. Most of this blog has been something that has transformed into what it is, with almost very little real thought from me. I type these posts free hand (pardon the ocassional misspellings) as the words come to me. Sometimes, the hands are slower than the mind, but we do the best we can to keep up. Now, we begin a new chapter and will keep you updated on the progress. Hold on...because here we go!!

Out the window

I know I think I have this all figured out. Truth is...I don't and all of my best thought out plans have been thrown out the window. Instead, I am throwing my hands up and riding this rollercoaster. Yesterday, I emailed my story for a possible submission onto a blog that is managed by a well-known motivational speaker. Is there a chance it could lead to something? Yes. Is there a chance that it goes no where? Yes. But it will NEVER go anywhere if I didn't send it. My answer would have been one that I decided, not someone else. Instead, I am letting someone else decide what happens next. Yes, yes, I know...this girl was the Queen of control too. I has believed my entire life that I could control everything. In some way shape or form, I made decisions that affected my world and therefore, if I could I would act or react before anyone else could. I played it safe. It was hard for me to let Rocky choose to say in my life when I had to put the walls down. Now, here I am very open and exposed to letting people see more of me than I have ever shown anyone. And you know what? I really don't care. I am being me and throwing the control I had believed I had out the window. Theings are happening that I cannot explain and so trying to figure them out and understand them is a waste of time. It does me no good and I need to better spend my time on getting more things done. Do you toss your worries, your control, or anything else that you waste time and effort on out the window? You need to because it just wears you down. People always say, "It is what it is" and I say, "It is as it's meant to be." If this has been pre-designed for me, then me thinking that I can control it is an illusion. Hands up, baby. When you are on a rollercoaster, there are are no windows.

Back to the basics

Time to get back to the basics and really hone in on what is important, what isn't, and where I am going. Sometimes we try to pretty things up and make it more than it really is and should be. I found a new book today that's centered about a woman's soul and that is what drew me to the book, but what first caught my eye was the title, "Ruby Slippers". This has several references to the Wizard of Oz as you would expect, but those shoes have another meaning to me as it relates to Rocky. Anyway, I am sitting here, ready to go to my G.I.F.T. meeting and realized that we need to get back to the basics. Forget about all of the other, unnecessary, foo-foo stuff. It doesn't mean anything except in appearances. But what is really important? How we make others feel. What we say and the tone in which those words are said. Being true to ourselves without causing damage to others. Believing that we can be more than what you see before you. Making choices that may be difficult. Refocusing our energy on what brings us joy. I am so energized with new thoughts and places I see myself going that I almost cannot sit still. My heart is pounding, but in a good way. I have exciting news to share and regardless of what happens next, I have nothing to lose when I try. Nothing to lose. I already know what I have before me and I want more. I see myself changing more lives than I could have ever imagined. The teenagers I saw this week encourage me because they are thirsty for it...they need to hear it. They are craving some direction and want to be told that it is ok to be afraid. I was the queen of that for so long. One boy told me that he never wanted to be out on the ocean because of a movie he saw where this couple was adrift for months. He does not want to feel the fear, so he does not go out onto the water. But that can be a reason not to do anything where the slight possibility of something going wrong (this was my motto for YEARS!) kept me away from experiencing the fun and the possibility of things going very right. That is when he said, "you need to be a motivation speaker." I told him, "Guess what? I am". It starts with talking and taking chances, with no net and no one to hold my hand as I do it. I am making things more simple with my belief in encouraging others to believe and know that changing your life is not as complicated as people think. Get back to the basics.

More afraid of not...

I was watching a movie over the holiday weekend and heard a phrase similar to this one and it struck me as something that I needed to explore more. I used to live with fear and being afraid of living for a very long time. It always appeared to me that if there was something good or bad that could happen, the bad seemed to be the one that should up more often. So what did I learn? That if I took chances, I usually lost. Seriously. So, I didn't take them. I became conditioned to play it safe. To not make waves. To do what was expected of me. To follow the rules already written for me. Here is where I am right now...I am more afraid of NOT following my heart than of not. It hurts more to sit and do nothing than to write these words, maybe thinking they might impress themselves on someone else and therefore, make a difference. Being scared has created a shell that I lived in to follow the norm and live under the radar. Now, I am out there...taking chances that may include some skinned up knees and some failings. But I will have the scars to prove that I tried. That I was there. That I stood for something. That I took chances despite the failings and I picked myself back up to go back for more. That I never gave up and kept fighting for what I loved and treasured most. Are you afraid? Why aren't you shaking so much in your boots that you KNOW that keeping still and staying silent is no longer for you. Let your heart breathe. Feel the pure joy that others can bring to you, if you let them. Open up and stay strong, even when you want to run. Be afraid of monotony and spice things up a bit with new knowledge and unknown travels yet to be discovered. Be afraid. I have been given a mission with no itinerary and no final destination. I do not know how I will get there, but will expand what I share with others so as to make this world better. I have to...it is what calls to me. I cannot ignore it and it becomes almost self-propelled with all of the force of an avalanche barreling down a snow covered mountainside. But it is not destructive; it is constructive. I am more afraid of doing nothing than I am of standing still...even if I am smack-dab right in the middle of that same mountainside.

Merry Christmas

May today bring you joy and happiness as you celebrate with family and friends.  Look forward to all that 2012 can bring to you as you continue to grow and follow your heart.

Past the point of no return

Have you ever taken such a big chance that you cannot go back to where you once were? To know that to do so would not be in your best interest, but would actually make you worse off in the long run? Taking chances can be scary and I remember someone telling me that having the courage to take that leap can be the most freeing moment and I started thinking more about what I want for my life in 2012. More to come on that later, but for now, know that the wheels are turning. I am sitting here trying to remember how I got to where I am right now and trying to figure out at what moment did I pass the point of no return. Was it when I started this blog, knowing that I had given the information to friends and they would now be able to see what I was so excited about? Was it when I became accountable to Rocky when she came to my house to get me into shape at 5am? Was it when I started believing more in myself and allowing others to see more of the real me? Was it when I shared my thoughts with other women and started the G.I.F.T.? Was it when I said in public for the first time that my dream was to be a motivational speaker for teenagers? Was it the reaching out to others that might be able to help me pursue that dream? Was it the willingness to explore new things (shopping) or allow new people to break down the walls? Was it putting trust and faith into those people and things because of what my heart tells me, not my head? Was it a combination of any of these things or people? But when, specifically, did I get to the point of no return? Have I even been there yet or do I just think I have? I know there are a lot of questions here, but here is what I do know. I am not the same person I was when I really started this journey almost 2 years ago. I have grown into someone that I have always wanted to be and continue to grow and give more than I ever have. I have learned to not run when situations get difficult, but also know how many people truly love me. I also learned what they would do for me, even if I didn't want them to. I know that I am here for a reason and continue to try to see the reasons for my being here in everything I do, say, in the people I meet, and where my next steps will take me. I know I am human and have human emotions, even if they are not understood by others. I know I have a huge heart and have allowed myself to be more vulnerable and have shed tears where they never would have come before. I wouldn't allow it. I know I give hugs all the time and they are not the woosy, one-armed hugs or barely touch you hugs, either. They are both arms, bring you close, hold on to you kind of hugs. I know I gave out more yesterday to co-workers wishing them a Merry Christmas than I ever had before. I know I have a husband and three sons that think the world of me and many other friends who just might think the same. I know I want to have an impact on the people that I come in contact with and those that I will never meet. I know I have to continue to inspire others who want something different in their lives. I know making those choices is not easy, but also know it gives us confidence like we never thought we had. I know that I can talk alot and think even more and don't always let others have their two cents. I know I need to apologize for that. I know I get off track sometimes and need a little kick in the pants to get me going again. I know it takes me a couple of days to get something that I should have figured out right then, but I am slow. I know that this world and life can begin when you want it to and you change the simplest of things and then that leads to bigger changes. I know that I am grateful for the life I have been given and would not change a single thing. I know for me, I continue to challenge myself in ways I never thought possible and will keep moving forward. I know there may be days I take baby steps and others days when I am ready to jump off a 575 foot building (yes, still on my list of things to do). I know I read a lot and will work at being my "best me" all the time. I know I will find success and unfortunately, I will fail as well. I know I need to forgive myself and forgive others. I know I need to let this life lead me to places I have never been before and will "embrace the journey." I know I am here for the duration and will treasure my place in this world as I know the world will ever change. I know nothing stays the same. Where are you in your life? I know that you will absolutely love where you are going and it may make you afraid of the unknown. But because we are on this rollercoaster ride, when you get strapped into your seat and you start to pull away from the platform, you will have reached the point of no return.

Apology

I was thinking that if you give an apology and you are unsure if it has been accepted, can you accept the apology you must give yourself? Can you move forward without knowing if the apology given has been accepted before you can accept the apology you must give yourself? If you forgive yourself before the other person has forgiven you, is that wrong? Does any of this even make sense? Do the words, "I forgive you" need to be said and heard or do you just assume that if things are moving along as if nothing happened that things are ok? I am asking because I do not have the answers to these questions and I have been asking myself these same questions after hurting someone I care for very much. I have apologized but do not know if it was accepted. I am unsure if I have been forgiven. Part of me is not sure how to proceed. Another side has seen "normalness", but I am not sure that it is because all has been forgotten and we are moving forward or just putting things to the side so we don't deal with them. That is easy to do and I get that. I find it easier to forgive others than to forgive myself and have been beating myself up since I realized that I had hurt that someone else. I did not mean to, but it happened and I cannot take it back. I know that now. I want things to go back to the way they were and will keep working on trying to make amends. I understand it may take time and am willing to wait. But what do I do in the meantime? I am not sure. I have never been very good at forgiving myself for failing to succeed at something or making a mistake that was witnessed by others. I just hope I am given a second chance to make things right. This quiet torture is something I must bear alone and am confident will make me better. But while I wait, I still wonder....

Love is...

Love is deep... Love is forgiveness... Love is holding on... Love is being there... Love is not keeping score... Love is honest... Love is saying what you need to say... Love is no regrets... Love is letting go of the past... Love is a smile... Love is faith... Love is acceptance... Love is trust... Love is a hug... Love is A & E... Love is difficult... Love is giving... Love is apologizing... Love is patient... Love is listening... Love is getting through... Love is strong... Love is life... Love is a CHOICE.

Motivation

I still get up just about every morning to get on the elliptical, but am very looking forward to spring when I can get our and run again. As I was burning calories, I wondered where my motivation to do this comes from? Where does any motivation come from? It only comes from one place, and one only. It comes from within. Taking the easy road and sleeping in does not motivate me. Trying to maintain my "girlish" figure through the winter so I am not so completely out of shape motivates me. The pictures of what I used to look like motivate me to keep going. Some days, we have lots of motivation and we might be going in what my husband calls "manic mode". He tells the boys to just watch out. I get into "go mode" and usually it is because I have lots to do. What motivates you? Is it some external pressure put upon you by someone else? I remmeber when I first start running with Rocky and people would tell me that it must be great to have someone there to motivate me twice a week at my door at 5am. I didn't understand her method, but those two rules will never be forgotten. I still find motivation from her everyday, even though she may never know it. Motivation is something that tells yout to change whatever you are doing if you want something different. Motivation is a choice and can be very powerful in propelling you forward as you tackle the day's tasks. At times, motivating yourself can be very difficult, but it always tells you that you can do more than you think you can. No one reminds me to get up at exercise in the morning...because I do it for no one else but me. Look close to your heart and you will find all you ever need to keep you motivated.

Right vs. Wrong

How many times does this dilema cross your path in any given day? I am talking about a certain thing, however. Have you ever felt like you made the right decision for the wrong reasons or made the wrong decision for the right reasons? For whatever reason, this thought came to me at 2:45am and then I could not get back to sleep. A couple of weeks ago, I decided something for the right reason. It made sense to me on one hand and not on another. But I had to decide. I was not prepared to not make a decision, because playing on the teeter-totter was not helping me. So I decided to be true to me and try to put myself first because not doing so was more painful. Even the person I shared this decision with did not understand why I needed to make it, but yet she understood. In part, I did not want to have to choose, but I did not think there was another way. Yesterday, I realized that I had made the wrong decision, but the reasons still made sense to me. I hate it when things come back to bite you in the ___. I am not a selfish person and constantly give to others as that truly makes me happy. When I give to others, I cannot think of myself. As I type this, I realized another thing...in making my decision, I was running. Because running was easy. I had removed myself from a situation that was painful for me to stay in, so my choice was to run. I had an out...it was given to me...and I chose to take it. Then, yesterday I was reminded of something else that helped me choose something else. So here I am backl at square one. But not really because I have already learned from making the wrong decision for the right reasons. There are times when the decisions we make cannot be explained (so they might look wrong), but we know they are right in our hearts. I have to apologize, even though it may not be needed or expected, for making the wrong decision and hope forgiveness will follow. Whenever this happens to us, make the amends that need to be done to make it better. I did not realize how ready I was to leave it all behind me, knowing it would not be something anyone wanted, but because it was easy. It is much more difficult to fight for something you want, even if you are not sure how it will work out. Today, I will make the right decision for the right reasons. I know it will be hard and I am not willing to give up.

What is precious to you?

Last night, I was reading an article about a former teacher of one of our son's who is fighting breast cancer. She commented that it took a blessing (cancer) for her to really realize how many people care about her and love her. WHY does that need to happen before we get it?? Before we start to treasure the people that truly make us better? Because what is precious to us has been threatened to be taken away. Why wait? Because we take people for granted and think they will always be there. I used to keep a voice message on my phone not to remind me of the day it was left (originally it was), but to remind me of the voice that left it. Who means the world to you? Why do we all have regrets after someone is gone? Because we left things undone or words unsaid. That can haunt you forever. Don't wait. I know I talk alot and share more than I should, but if this life is truly to live without regrets, then take the time you have been given and use it fully. Do not make excuses. Stop for a minute and think about who or what needs your attention RIGHT NOW?? Even if it is just 5 minutes. Do the unexpected. Because you can make someone's day with little things. Even if it is not received in the way you intended, you will have let your heart lead you and there can never be any regrets when you let that lead. Make the call you have been dreading to make. Then, you can feel better about reaching when you were unsure if someone would be at the other end. Show people that they matter to you. Send them a card or a text just to wish them to enjoy the day. Because, in a blink their life or your life can change forever without warning with no possible way to fix it. Wake up and make a point to do all you can to show them they how much they mean to you. We all need reminded from time to time to feel that our existence is important to others. That is why we love and live our lives. You are precious to others, even if they don't tell you or show it. Maybe they don't know how to tell you or how to show it. It just seems so easy...you are precious to someone.

Thank you

I have never really said thank you to everyone out there and I am not sure that this is the way to express it, but I am going to try anyway. As 2011 comes to a close in a week, I cannot even comprehend the journey that this journey over this last year has brought me. 2011 was the year of "WHY NOT?" and I have not been given the motto for 2012 yet, but I am sure it will come to me soon. Look over your last year, what have you done to change your life? I want to thank all of my readers, whether you are family or friends or people I will never meet. You believe in my message and seek it for the impact it can make on your life, if you let it. But you have to let it in. Thank you to my family, especially my husband, who have not always understood what I am trying to go and even when it was difficult for me to explain, I know they support me and love me. Thank you to my friends who have held on when I wanted to run, who have told me that they want their lives to be different, who are just there. I could never have imagines that by my BLOOMING I receive such wonderful people in my life and I know that they love me. Thank you to you all for coming back and seeing what new and crazy idea I have in my head at 5am. This is life and we all have but one chance to give it everything we have. I want to live with no regrets (I remember someone telling me that someday I would get there) and give this world more of me. If I get hurt along the way, then so be it. I will be better for it and stronger all the same. Thank you for not making this easy, but absolutely worth it. I am humbled by the new people that read this and share it with others. With the most sincerest of words, thank you.

Give and take

Rule #16. "There's no keeping count, no IOUs. Relationships aren't always 50/50. Some days I have to give 100 and some days I can only do 30." This is part of a list of 22 rules that were given to me some time ago and this one struck me today when I was on the elliptical this morning. But if I give, you need to take. And if you give, I need to take. There is no score. This morning I had an epihany on something and I only hope that we can move on from it. I was asking someone to choose something that I never should have been a choice. I am embarrassed to even admit it, but it will not happen again. I know it would have never been asked of me. I am truly sorry. I hope you forgive me. In light of this new knowledge, I have to keep giving. Even if I am not sure how it will be taken or maybe not taken in the way it was intended. I still have to be true to myself and give all of me, even if nothing is returned. This is not about me. I have to be willing to accept whatever comes my way, whenever it comes may way, and be grateful for the small piece that I have been given. I have learned a lot about myself this week about what I truly believe, what I still want in my life, and what I am willing to do for those special people in my life. Do we give more than others? Do we sometimes wonder why should I give more than they are giving me? I have done that. I was being selfish and shake my head in disgust with myself. But sometimes giving more is worth it, without expecting anything in return. Sometimes, we think what could be returned could be so simple, but maybe it isn't to the other person. We are all different and process the same information differently. Things I would never think of doing, someone else has no second thoughts about doing and vice versa. Things that I believe to be important to you may not really be that important to you. Words that are never said because you can't find the right words to say, but I would have no problem with telling you how I feel. Sometimes, I have no clear plan and yet find myself somewhere that I didn't think I would be. But, in this crazy world, we can usually classify people by how they act, what they believe in, and what words come from them. I have never been a taker, and almost took something away that I would have regretted doing for the rest of my life. I am a giver and will continue to give to those that are most important to me.

Almost doesn't count

How many times have we said, "We almost had it" or something like it. Guess what? Almost doesn't count. Yes, you tried. No, you were not successful. Try again. And again. What are you trying to achieve? What are willing to do to get there? Have you done the same thing over and over with the same results? Then do something different! "I almost hit a home run." "I almost got an A on my paper." "I almost cahnged the lives of many." I have said it before...don't ever give up. You can change anything you want to change and therefore, the world as we know it can be changed. Almost is not an option and never should be a reason as to why you cannot do more. What have you "almost" done lately? Don't you want to say you "did it?" Finish a project that you have been working on for months. I need to get back into my scrapbooking so that all of the pictures I have printed (and have yet to be printed) have their place. That is my goal this winter...to spend more time to scrapbooking. When my next son graduates from high school in 2 1/2 years, I want to have his scrapbook ready for his party. I need to get started now. Tackle your "almosts" and move them out of that column. Make them a part of the "done" pile so then you can say, "Almost doesn't coount."

When you are unsure

Sometimes making a decision and committing to it can be the biggest thing we face, even if it is minor. Do I get up an get on the stupid elliptical this morning or take some time to rest for me? Will I regret making that decision later? We all wish that we could change something...to go back and change the outcome. But we can't so we hesitate making a choice. Sometimes, the choices are easier and easier, the more we make the same one. It becomes a pattern and a habit that becomes what shapes us. Everyone knows that breaking habits and doing something different is never easy, but it can be done. I deliberate about silly things and then fully commit to big ones with almost no hesitation. Why? Because I overthink. I know I can think more about me than I do about someone else and I feel guilty for that. That is not who I am. I am not even going to use the time of year as an excuse, but I know I think about it at least once a day. A decsion or choice that we make is right for us at THAT moment, and only after the fact so we wish we could change it if it does not turn out the way we thought it would. But I would rather have that to learn from than to never have dont it all, because that teaches me to be afraid and to not take chances. I may wish I hadn't said that or done that after, but at THAT moment, that is what I needed to do or say. You still have the right to change your mind...you still can ask for forgiveness...you can still reach when you think no one is there. Be confident in your choices and know that if you believe in them, then I do too. I may not agree with them, but I will accept them. We all find things to contemplate about and wonder what to do next. But by not choosing anything, you essentially still choose.

Following the list

Yes, I am a list maker. I usually have one written down somewhere and sometimes in multiple places. Many times, that list is in my head. And because I do not see it, I forget things. Things I should not forget. Today, Mike and I went out to take care of a few things as I was hustling to get those tasks accomplished and then I could do "nothing" the rest of the day. I have a hard time slowing down and just having some down time. I was reminded again of what it means to think of others when three-fifths of my immediate family served others yesterday with a holiday assistance program that my office helps coordinate for about 375 families. Living this life isn't about getting things done..it isn't about having the perfect house...or sending everyone a Christmas card...it is just about taking time for those people that are important to you. It is making sure that they know how you feel about them, because you never know when it will be your last time to see them, to talk to them, to hold them. We all get caught up in the rush of the season taking care of everything we need to take care of and then we run out of steam and crash on the couch for a well-deserved (yet, not on the list) nap. This is not about what you do but who you are to others. You should not have to write it down...you should feel it. It is not something to check off a list, but more of the knowing that you feel better for doing it. I need reminded just like the rest of us about what matters and what doesn't. I remember telling someone I had to clean my house before she came over to take care of our dog out for a weekend while we would be gone. She asked me if I really thought she cared what my house looked like and I knew she didn't even before I said it. Don't feel obligated to follow a list...sometimes you just have to put your hands up and let go of the bar...ride the rollercoaster.

Believe

What do you believe? How strong are your beliefs in determining what you can and cannot do? Can beliefs make you stronger or weaker? It all depends. It amazes me what people are able to accomplish when they believe they can accomplish something. It is that determination that makes them almost invinsible and that is so powerful that it can move anyone to change. I used to doubt what I was capable of when it came to doing something good because I did not believe that by my being me, I had the ability to impact others' lives in a positive way. After all, I was just letting people see me and I allowed myself to put down walls that I had spent years building. I know I surprised someone earlier this week with a hug when she and a friend dropped off some donated food and Christmas gifts to our office. I am not sure what JH thought, but she saw more of what I believe in with the giving of my hug. I believe that we want to give more, but not because of the time of year it is, but because we want to live with no regrets. I believe that sometimes we have to struggle and learn from issues we don't want to face because it will be better for us having gone through it. I believe that we all have a purpose and we can take what makes us happy and give that same joy to others. I believe that we all are very much alike in so many ways, but may not be geographically near each other. We all feel sorrow and grief when a loved one dies...we all feel love when a new baby is born...we all have the same emotions. I believe that I am here, now, for this reason and have to continue my journey. Even though I do not have all of the answers and know not where I am headed, I believe I am headed in the right direction. I believe that you can CHOOSE how to live your life, regardless of your past and can change how you perceive people and events that you encounter. What do you believe? Do you have to see something to believe it? I was reminded yesterday about something I wrote over a year ago when I was out of town for a girls' weekend. "It is not about the times we are together. It is not about the times we are apart. It is about the way we are forever connected at the heart." That is what I believe. Use your beliefs to keep you strong and centered when you think your world is crashing down around you. Believe that you are more than you think you can be and when the time is right, you will prove to everyone that you are more. Believe that you matter to people and influence them in ways you could never even imagine. Believe that those simple words and those few moments will leave an impression that will never be forgotten. Believe that your legacy begins every day, with your bringing "YOU" to the table. Believe that you are loved and cared for, even when you think it would be impossible to do so. Believe that this is your journey and that I am right here, beside you. Believe that when you BLOOM you create beauty that makes my world better. Believe that no matter what, I am still here. Believe that there is no amount of doubt that could ever take you down, because I want you to know that above everything else, I believe in you. Always.

Chance

Do you believe in chance in your life? In this world? I was driving back to work today thinking about a friend that I never see and was thinking that after the first of the year, I need to call her and catch up. She was very kind in sending me a text after she heard my speech and even told me that her daughter posted something I said in Facebook, so it must have made an impact on her. Then, JS drives past me going an opposite direction and waves to me. What do I do next? I call her!! I tell her, "I was just thinking about you and then you drove by!" Was that by chance? It is funny because when we saw each other more, we were not really good friends then, but since we see each other less, we seem to want to see each other more and seem to connect better. Maybe that is weird and maybe JS thinks I am crazy. But I believe in chance. I believe that some things are not so planned to be a part of destiny and other things happen by chance. When Mike and I got married almost 23 years ago, we traveled from the west coast to the east coast for our honeymoon and met a couple from our same town from California. They even were attending the same university as I was at the time. Chance? Maybe. I think it was chance last year when I ran into a friend at the library who I had not seen in some time. But that might have been more to do with destiny, disguised to look like chance. Wouldn't that be interesting? I know I am not in charge of this life of mine and have been very blessed with the events and people that have made me learn more about why I am here. I was never someone who believe in chance before. But I have to give myself chances, because no one else will. I have to take chances, because I cannot grow if I stay in the same place. I think when I met Rock it was chance - I mean, she just walked past my office one day. But again, maybe it was all part of a bigger plan made to look like chance. We will never know, but I know we are both very grateful. Believe in chance...you just never know what will come your way. Even when you think you do, you don't.

The G.I.F.T. 11-29-11

Hello, everyone...here is the summary from last month's meeting...

“I give to life exactly what I want life to give to me.”

Has anyone done anything different since we last met? Have you asked and answered yourself any of the questions? I shared with the group about my first big speaking enagement, a possible new opportunity that may come in January, continued reaching to other organizations, and the success of my blog.

We talked about fears and why we let them win. Why? Because it is easier to do nothing than it is to do something.

We do what is expected of us, even if we don’t want to. Look at your families who have generations that have the same vocation – firefighters, electricians, etc – Why do they pick the same type of work? Is because they love it too or because they are influenced by the people in their family? My parents are teachers. What happens if the message you are getting is different than the message that the family is sending to you? How do we know which one to follow? The easy one. The voice we usually follow is the one that will create the least amount of friction. Going against the grain is never easy. But if it is right, then the people that are against you will follow. Have you ever had someone want something for your life that you didn’t want? Do we still allow their voices to be heard over our own voice and heart? Why or why not? Who decides? Who should decide?

EXERCISE: Use your book. Write down five things people thought you should have done with your life. Write down the five things you want to still do. Most of the group could only come up with a couple for each and several people shared what they wrote down.

Quotes: “My intuition is always on my side. I trust it to be there at all times.”
“Each problem has a solution and all experiences are opportunities for me to learn and grow.”
“It is my birthright to deserve all that is good.”
“The past is over and done and has no power over me. Today’s thoughts create my future.”
“I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world.”

Sharing our dreams: why is it easier to share with people we don’t know vs. our families? I shared again with how easy it was for me to admit that I was unhappy with my weight with Rocky when I first met her. Never told a family member or even someone I had known longer. Why? Because I thought she wouldn’t judge; she wouldn’t hold me accountable; she wasn’t vested in anything (yet); I thought it didn’t matter to her. I was wrong.

Knock on doors and share – open up.
People will wonder what your inner voice says to you and why. You know it when it feels right. You will fall in love with it. It will be difficult and make you do more than maybe you thought you were signing up for, but it will be something you treasure every day and twice on Sunday. It will fill your heart with such joy that you cannot imagine it not being here. It will be indescribable. Sometimes it is something that you never saw yourself doing, you have no knowledge about, but it calls to you. You have to answer.

What happens if something gets in the way? Because it will. And usually what you think it will be that causes you headaches, isn’t really a big thing. It will be something you never thought of – even the perfect plans can find a loop hole.

What is meaningful work to you? Do we think we have to choose between meaningful and your job? Can they be both? What is your dream job? Remind yourself of a time when you did something good? Maybe for someone else? How did it make you feel? Why don’t we try to do that as much as possible?

You have heard the phrase, “Life is not a sprint, but a marathon.” Should we train for it? How? 15 minutes a day is all it takes. Then you consciously choosing and dedicating those 15 minutes became something you don’t even think about – it becomes a part of you. I never thought that we trying to lose weight and "running" would become what I do and something that I love to do.

“I believe more in the chance of something new than the knowing in the guarantee of something old.” – Michelle Homme

It's who you are

No questions. Ever. It's who you are. I used to wonder who I was...I mean, really. I knew where I came from and what let me to my todays and never really looked that far into the future. Even when people told me who I was, I am not sure I believed it. I still struggle with that a little bit, but I am getting better at it. For me, it was always a disbelief that I could make that big of a difference in someone else's life by my saying or doing something that I found almost effortless. For a long time, I was not sure of who I really was and even when I knew, I am sure I was afraid to really show people who I was. But, I cannot do that anymore. I still have some walls, but nothing like I had before. I had to trust myself more than I had ever done before and still have to continue to do that every day. Especially when I doubt. Since I believe that we have a reason and a purpose for being here, when we allow ourselves to be who we are with others, we are serving that purpose. Our three sons have three unique personalities and I wouldn't change any of them for anything. I love who they are and treasure that uniqueness every day. I love to watch them bloom. When we share our true selves with others, we show the world who we are. When I write on a post, I share with you a little bit about me. This is who I am and for those of you that know me personally, you get more of me. Who are you? Have you found your purpose yet? Sometimes, we cannot predict what events will occur and which people will come into our lives that will change our lives forever, but we need to welcome them. We will learn more than we ever thought we could and be blessed that we experienced them, in whatever time we were given. Bless our days with who you are as we will always treasure that you are a part of what makes us who we are.

The Right Track

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Dr. Wayne Dyer. Let's assume for just a moment that you are on the right track. You know where you are headed and seem to have it all figured out. But, you do nothing. You just sit there. Wondering what happens next. I know I must sound like a broken record, but hearing it over and over may make it sink in. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!! Please do not fret, either. Some of you may thinking, "How do I know if I am on the right track?" or "What happens if I'm on the wrong track?" You can still make changes and figure it out as you move along. That is "embracing the jouorney." You will learn many things as you travel along the track you are on, and what you learn may not be anything like what you thought you would learn. Just sayin. You cannot just think and believe that your dreams will come true because you think they will or want them to. Wouldn't that be nice? Just wish for something, and it happens like magic? Sorry, the real world does not work that way. You have to work hard and put everything into it so that it will be successful. Let me get back to a question I had already mentioned in this post..."How do you know if you are on the right track?" You just know. You feel it. It becomes something that you are willing to devote your entire life to as you put your hands up and ride. You have to commit to something and if it is wrong, you will know it. But you have to learn that it is wrong so you don't have any questions. So, that door closes. Move on to the next one. Keep knocking on each one until the right one opens. When it does, you will see the right track in front of you. Trust it.

Destiny

Do you believe in destiny? In fate? Why? Why not? Do you believe that your destiny has led you to where you are, right at this moment? I believe I have lived and continue to live the life I was destined to live. There have been many times that if you would've asked me to pick another life, I might have taken you up on that offer. But then, I wouldn't be me. I did not realize that everything that was a part of my past would teach me how to get to here. Yes, it would've been nice if someone would have told me, "I know this stinks right now, but later on, it will be one of your greatest assets." I did not used to believe in destiny or fate. In fact, I would guess that I did not believe too much in anything. I don't think I was "sold" on being in this life. I was just here. Hanging out. No big thing. But then, things started happening that I could not explain and people came into my life that I did not expect. I will never forget the words that I said to a friend what started it all -- "Maybe we are ready to receive it now." That must have been someone's cue to get me to see, think, and feel like never before and it hasn't stopped since. Your destiny has been predetermined for you and you may not know where it will lead you yet, but it will come. You will not be ready for it and it will not be what you would expect it to look like, but I know one thing for sure. Once you accept it, it will totally transform you. It will become everything you believe and will define what people believe about you because you believe in it. This is what I was meant to do. To share inspirational thoughts that come and go from my head (at all hours of the day) with you. To write elsewhere and to someday, maybe write a book. To speak to others about what changes they can make about their lives. To reach out to women in the G.I.F.T. and encourage them to take one step. To open up my heart and give it to others to hold on to and treasure as much as I treasure theirs. When I think about everything I have just typed, I cannot help but almost feel overwhelmed and comforted at the same time. Overwhelmed because the task seems so big and there is so much I do not know. Yet comforted in knowing that somehow it will take care of itself. This is my destiny.

Never know how far

Do you know? No, no one really knows how far they can go until they get there. And even then, that doesn't mean that that is the farthest you can go, does it? I don't think it does. I think we can always do more, even if we never make it to more. We have to try and keep trying. I remember feeling so frustrated when I had tried to lose weight before that watching my husband drop pounds every day made we want to give up. I was a different person then. I used to put limits on what I could do because I never thought or believed that I could do more. When the road came to an end, then I was done. But now, if I came to a road that came to an end, I would just go off-roading. It might be a little bumpy and put some wear and tear on me but I wouldn't be stuck. There are so many people out there that have other difficulties that I could never imagine and just flourish. I was totally inspired by Kyle Maynard's story and that is what drove me to run on the days that Rocky wasn't there. He still inspires me. What inspires you? I sometimes think I have to day planned out on what will happen, as it routinely does, and then something exciting happens. Yesterday, I had two young people stop by my office and show me their brand new two week old son. After they left, I realized that, again, they didn't have to stop by they CHOSE to stop by because of something I said to them or the kindness I showed them. You just never know. But you have to start something new and keep going. Never give up. Always give your all. Be there. You just never now how far you can take your life.

Bless the day

I was thinking about this yesterday morning as I was on the elliptical at 5am, and I needed to remember to write everything that needed to go along with it.

Bless the day with your grace as your unselfishness becomes your goal.
Bless the day with your smile as it truly warms my soul.
Bless the day with your strength as it encourages others to do the same.
Bless the day with your passion as we love to see you bloom.
Bless the day with your laughter as sharing it is the most fun.
Bless the day with your knowledge as learning never goes out of style.
Bless the day with your forgiveness as it shows courage.
Bless the day with your tears as vulnerable as it makes you.
Bless the day with your attitude as it will become contagious.
Bless the day with your bloom as it inspires others to shine.
Bless the day with you...as I am truly blessed.

The Jolt

You know what I'm talking about? When you get that little knock upside the head that kind of gets your attention? Sometimes it even blind sides you? Where you just need to focus more on something else that what you have been focusing on? I got that last week. it has been a long time coming, but it was something I held on to, thinking I could keep it safe. But, I had to let it go. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But the Jolt wasn't the letting go, it was the faith that came after I let it go. The Jolt was the realization that I could never keep what I wanted UNLESS I let it go. And I made that choice. This is part of that rollercoaster ride of life we are all on, and I must be on some part of the track I didn't see around a corner, because I never saw this coming. But it is here and I cannot ignore it. Every day, the reflection of the choice becomes easier and easier, even though it is not a decision I would have ever thought I would have to make. The Jolt forces me to look for that which I cannot see, but can only feel. It reminds me of what I know to be true, even when doubt tries to creep in and tempt me with questions. The Jolt keeps me grounded to everything I believe and that is what keeps me going. The Jolt is a test to gives me courage and makes me find strength I never thought I had. The Jolt is here for a reason and I will follow its lead, not knowing where are headed, but because I believe in the letting go, I also have to believe in the coming back. Whenever that day may be.

Confidence

Some people don't have it and want it and others have it and share it. Where does it come from? Why do some people have more than others? How do you get more? Confidence is described as having the "belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities". There are times that we lack confidence regarding certain things - for example, I lack confidence when it comes to singing in public. However, in my car or in my shower, my confidence soars like I could be the next American Idol. Not. But I do have strengths and so do you. When we use our strengths, it builds confidence. When we are successful, it builds confidence. When we take chances, it builds confidence. Since I am inside for the next couple of months and cannot run outside, I am exploring something new to help minimize my attitude towards the ellipitcal during my early morning workout. This is something very new to me and some people would actually freak if they knew. Yes, I am keeping you in suspense for now. Let's see how I do, then my confidence will soar and then I can share. I start tomorrow. I remember when someone at work told me that I had more confidence when I lost weight, but I did not realize that I was "carrying myself differently". It wasn't quite expressed to me in that way, but I am sure that when we feel good about ourselves, it has to show. We don't even know it. But others do. There are so many people who lack confidence to try something new (a new outfit, a new haircut, a new friend, a new job, etc), so they get stuck in a rut. Do you carrying your confidence where others see it? Do you realize that people are naturally drawn to those people that they can learn from and that we are like sponges, wanting to soak it all in? We are driven by an inner yearning to be more and we can be more when we do more, when we think more, when we show the world more. Have confidence today and show everyone that you know who you are.

That thing you do

Nothing makes me happier than watching people do their thing. I love to watch my husband coach baseball. He loves it and he BLOOMS when he does it --for those of you that know him, please do not tell I said that. He doesn't read this so I know I am ok to post this here. I love to watch our middle son play the guitar; I love to watch our oldest show off his nursing skills and play baseball; and I love to watch our youngest son playing his sports and singing in show choir. Have you ever really seen people you love DOING THAT THING THEY DO?? Isn't is awesome?!? Watching other people shine is FANTABULOUS!! I love watching my sisters tend to their kids; I love watching Rock help others with their fashion sense. And I get to be a part of it. I could sit back and watch people do their thing all day. I forget when I am doing that thing I do, because it comes so naturally that I don't even realize it. What is that thing you do? Have you found it yet? Have you started looking? It is not difficult to find it, because you just have to answer some questions and then it happens. Without any warning, it comes to you and you know it is right. Because through all of the struggles, you still pick it because it is YOU. I did not know what my "thing" was until I was asked the question by you know who. Then, I had to answer it and not just say the words, but actually figure out what to do about it. I needed to tap into what I knew, what I thought would work, and most of the time, I threw my hands up in the air and just let things fall into place as they were meant to. That was really hard for me -- still is. I am used to trying to control things and when I can't, it feels like I am on the "teacups" spinning out of control. But when I am in the "zone", everything takes care of itself, even if I didn't plan it that way. You just never know when doing your thing inspires others to do their thing and so on and so on. So...DO THAT THING YOU DO!!!

A welcome sight

You feel the warmth in their eyes and know you made their day. And they made yours. No one has to say it, but you know it. I sat in my car hesitating for about 10 minutes before gathering the courage to go some place I was a little nervous about going, but I needed to be strong. And then, I saw it. That through the craziness and uncertainty, I knew I was a welcome sight. I also knew that what I saw was a welcome sight just as much. When you almost sigh in relief and know you are "home". When the smile becomes so big that you know you are showing it and you don't even care who sees it. One of my favorites memories is pre-9/11 when we used to get to walk down to the gates and pick up my husband from a business trip with our first son. We didn't always go, but if it wasn't too late, Josh and I would make the small little trip to the Omaha airport to pick up "Daddy." We never really stood towards the front of the line, but stayed back enough to let the have enough room to get off the plane and those that liked to be in front, be in front. Josh must have been about 2 when we saw his dad and went running towards Mike, saying, "Daddy!" over and Mike knelt down and scooped him up in his arms. I'm telling you...it was like a commercial. Josh seeing his dad was a welcome sight and it may be something those two don't remember but I will, and I will always remember how I felt at that moment too. When someone shows up unexpectedly or you just are so excited with anticipation that when your eyes finally connect, you know. You just do and you become a welcome sight.

Show up

You HAVE to be here. There is no other way around it. I posted about being there and this might be a tag onto that as well. Quit watching life pass you by and you need to make sure you show up, because it waits for no one. Once you are born there is only one quarantee for each of us...that at some point we will die. That is a given. I didn't show up to life until about two years ago and have made huge strides in saying what I need to say, expressing who I really am, and encouraging others to follow their dreams as I pursue my own. I did not realize that I loved to write like this...I mean I studied political science in college so there is a lot of writing that goes with that, but a slightly different subject. I have opened my heart, truly giving everything to everyone I love and care about. I am sure that I have given more than expected, but cherished all the same. Memories that are tucked away will never be forgotten. Friendships have been created on nothing more than a quick "hi" that quickly developed into something that I have never had before and will always hold dear. ALWAYS. I have gone way outside my normal confort zone and have began sharing my look on life and my thoughts and attitude with others and hope that it continues to make a positive impact in their lives. But you have to show up. I have to show up, too...everyday. You can't just find an excuse and say, "I'll do it tomorrow." NO!! The name of this blog is a cornerstone of what I have been saying all along..."IT STARTS TODAY!" Show life that you are ready to take on whatever it wants to throw your way...show people who you are...show the world what you are capable of today. Show up when people don't expect you to and spend less time thinking about yourself. It is not always about YOU. Even when you are not sure you will do it right. Even when you are exhausted because you have been on your feet for 12 hours that day. Even when you want to run because it is easy. Show up.

Keep working it...

Gosh, it is so hard sometimes not to want to give up. To throw in the towel and just walk away. And be done. Forever. It doesn't matter what it is and sometimes we are faced with if come to that conclusion and there is no other way, WHEN do you decide to do it? When is the RIGHT time? Is there such a thing? What happens if you are wrong? I have said before to NEVER give up...not ever...even if it makes you raw and hurt. But what if you want something different now than you did before? Is it wrong to want that something different? Will others around you understand and support you because they love you? Even if it dramatically changes things? I will keep working it until I get told not to or the sign is so HUGE that I cannot miss it. I am not ready to give up. Is there something in your life that you want to be different, but not sure how? It doesn't have to be a big thing...start with something little and see where that takes you. I am in awe when spring comes (I say this as I look out and see snow everywhere) and the little seeds start to break free of the blanket of dirt that surrounded them and they grow. Every year, certain plants routinely return to BLOOM and show the world that they are still here after months of lying dormant, forgotten, and left unattended. Maybe that is a little how I feel...a little dormant, forgotten, and receiving little attention. But I will keep working it so when the time is right, I too can show the world that I am still here.

Today is your day

Tonight, as my husband was flipping through the channels waiting for his beloved Pittsburgh Steelers to start their game, he found a show with Shania Twain where she was singing a song titled, "Today is your day". Beautiful song. What I also found interesting is that her show was titled, "Why not?" -- do you know why that spoke to me? My theme for this year is the same..."why not?" I was recently told about the "Trek up the Tower" which is done in February as a fundraiser where people run up a high rise in downtown Omaha to benefit a non-profit organization. I have taken up being on the elliptical for the next three months or so (yes, they will be longest three months ever), but still want to challenge myself. Does something special have to happen for it to be "YOUR" day? I had so much fun surprising someone for her birthday as she didn't expect it, but I loved to see her smile. But, today is your day. Today is my day. Nothing extraordinary needs to happen and no one needs to sing to you, but every day can be your day when you BLOOM. When you know you are where you are meant to be, without question and without regret. You feel it. You become swallowed by the very surroundings that others just see as there. It becomes who you are and you love every minute of it. One of the very first ideas that came to my head when I started this journey was "It starts today." Today. I was quick to point out when it was someone else's day but never took ownership of my chance at having a day for me. But I deserve today. I am a great friend, love my family, and work hard at making this world better. And because of that, today is my day.

Faith and Love

I have not been feeling these two lately, but today they came with Trust and Acceptance. It is hard to admit when things are not as we would wish them to be, but nothing can really change the situation. I was reminded of this when my youngest son was frustrated last week because he was told by the doctor that he was still going to have to be on his crutch for 6 more weeks. Our son seems to think that since he is better now that the quoted 6-9 month recovery was a mistake because it has only been not even 2 months since his injury. Therefore, I told him to change his attitude because the situation wasn't going to change, but reminded him that his attitude needed to change. UGH! I hate it when words I say to others come back to haunt me. I have been fighting change and feeling selfish about how to handle it. Today, I found faith and felt love in the same situation. I continue to reach, but get frustrated when the street seems very one-sided. I get that too, but it doesn't make it easy. But faith is strong and deep. Love doesn't run and love doesn't hide. Faith is believing in something you cannot hold, something you cannot see, and something you cannot want. Faith is found in the deepest part of your soul that it is something you trust. Above all else, you almost succomb to it. Then, after all of that, you feel the love. You remember moments that take you back to the "Greatest Day" and keep those close because that is all you have. You are blanketed with the warmth of the hug last given, with the joy of the smile last received, with the anticipation on the next such hugs and smiles. Even in the silence and absence, you begin to accept and trust the new reality that is before you. Because there is no other choice but to run. And running is easy.

Patience

I remember that was a huge lesson for me at my first job working at the grocery store in California. This time of year, it becomes something we lose very quickly or we don't carry with us at all. People are hurrying from one event to another, checking their list (twice), and even dreading certain duties. I know we all lose our patience, but I have been trying to make sure I keep it in check. One lady was driving behind me and I thought she was going to try to get inside me trunk, she was that close. I can't recall a time when losing your patience got me something good. Usually, I felt horrible afterwards. People will apologize because it is the right thing to do, but do the really mean it? It is difficult to wait. And not just to wait, but to wait happily. Without anger. Without hard feelings. Without thinking of ourselves. When we allow someone to go ahead of us in the line at the grocery store. When we forgive the wait at the doctor's office. When we let someone pass us on the road because they seem to be in a much bigger hurry than we are. Patience starts when we quiet our hearts and just allow time to pass, even though we cannot hurry it along. It will come in its due time. You know the old saying, "Patience is a virtue." Not the only one, but a good one to have. Develop patience today. It will soften your heart and allow us to move along in our crazy world.

Selfishness

Yes, I said it. It comes to every one of us and never comes when it is wanted. Yet, its power over us makes us do dumb things. Our only hope is that we can stop what we want to stop. How do we accept when others are selfish? Do we like it? Do we tell them that we don't like it? Even if we don't say the words, "You are being selfish", do we tell them in other ways? It is hard to not wonder why your feelings and every day activities don't seem to matter. We all have known someone who seems to start every conversation with, "I" and never asks you how you are and what is going on with you. I know I have been selfish lately in wanting a particular relationship to be different than what it is today. I have had expectations that have been followed by disappointment. I need to let go of that because otherwise it just wears me down and wears me out. I know I am being selfish because I am only thinking about what I want for me and am not taking into consideration how this other person feels. If really asked to decide between my feelings and what is best for this other person, then ultimately I want that person to be happy. Hands down. I know this person is in a new place and still trying to figure out some things also. I have wondered if staying away is the answer, meaning I am less of a distraction and that person can take care of what needs to be done. Maybe I am dumb for thinking or feeling this way and maybe no one else that is close to this person has said anything at all about the changes they have seen. I am sorry for being selfish and not putting this person first, but it is hard sometimes. When you feel like you do more for them than is being done for you? When you are not even how long it will go on? Is it wrong to want something for me? I haven't focused on me or anything I want for a long time, so maybe that is why it feels uncomfortable to me. No one likes to acknowledge that they are being selfish and when we acknowledge it for ourselves, we have to allow that forgiveness to follow. But that is hard, too. Remember that we all get there and hopefully all find a way to leave it too. As long as we are not selfish all the time, we can move ahead.

Fill the void

We all take up space in this world, but are we using the space we take up wisely? Is there something that you see that needs to be done that just doesn't get done by someone else? I pick up pieces of paper that I see on the floor at work and put them in the trash, but I often wonder how many other people just walked past it. It is not like you have to be an employee to know where to put the trash, but people just move past that responsibility because it is "not their problem" or they are in a hurry. I love those commercials where someone helps someone and other people seem to notice it and then repeat a kind gesture to someone else. That's called paying it forward. I know I have gotten myself involved in things that others either ignored or didn't get anywhere. It is not like I have some special powers or something, but if you believe in something so strongly that you want to say something or do something, then maybe that is the void you are meant to fill. The G.I.F.T. is a perfect example of filling the void. All these women were lacking in finding their direction and I am sure that the majority of them either dismissed those thoughts are dumb and felt that they were alone. That no one else must feel like I do. Everyone else looks like they are holding it together, so what's wrong with me? Yes, these women are coming to realize that they all have something in common - they are trying to fill the void in their life. Now, we all don't have a void to fill that is so enormous that the planet's inhabitants' well-being rests on our next decision. It can be something so much smaller...and so it begins with being aware of what is around you and what you can do to make your world better. I think most people enjoy serving others in some capacity, but are unsure how. Serving others does not have to be a long committment but can fill us with such joy that it gets carried over into other aspects of our life. My love of service came by accident and is was not my major in college. No regrets. Ask yourself what void you could fill and do it. It will also fill your heart. And then you will reach again...and again...

Time never changes the memory

I was fiddling around today on the computer and came across some pictures that I am very grateful to have and it reminded me I needed to get back into my scrapbooking. Those pictures are just quick reminders of those times and time can never change that memory. In fact, those pictures solidify what we recall from times gone past in case we have forgotten some minor details. Regardless of how old we get, how distance separates us, or how less we talk, time will never change the memory. It is easy to forget because the memory seems to be long gone. Seconds turn into minutes that turn into hours that turn into days that turns into years. And then those moments are gone. Forever. But I can chuckle about when our sons did funny things when they were younger or how excited they were when we brought the new puppy home. I remember the day I got married like it was yesterday and when I first moved to Nebraska. As much as time steals from me that I can never get back, it can never take my memories. Some are mine alone and others are shared, but either way they exist and certain ones have left an inprint on me that will never wash away. I exist because of those memories and my experiences that led up to them and proceeded after them. Hold your memories close...because sometimes that is all you have and time will not discriminate who it takes moments from in this world. Memories will come in many ways...pictures taken, words spoken, songs heard...feelings will take you back and you will remember that memory.

Best interest at heart

Have you heard that story before? From your parents when you were younger? Maybe from your dearest friend? Blah, blah, blah...Telling you not what you WANT to hear, but what you NEED to hear? Yeah, been there, done that. I am sure we all have. It can be difficult when someone calls us to the table on things and maybe even throws our own words back at us, if the situation was reveresed. We can be angry and frustrated right then, but eventually we accept and forgive them. I remember when someone completely ingnored the words I was saying because she was concerned for my safety. I was being selfish in my regard to knowing that I could handle it all. I didn't want to admit it, but I was probably scared and went into defense mode without really thinking about it. Sometimes, we need people to keep us accountable and make sure that we are not getting ahead of ourselves or not forgetting about what really matters. We all get caught up in moments from time to time and we just need a little check and balance. We may not know it at the time, but they do what they do because they care. Even when we don't agree with it...even when we don't like it...even if it makes us figure it out on our own. When you are confronted with situations like this, do you attack others in an aggressive manner or share with them how you are worried. All of the worrying in the world doesn't change anything. Letting go of trying to help too much is the only way of allowing others learn what they have to learn. When we don't allow others to struggle, they don't grow. Babies won't learn to walk if we carry them all the time. It is hard to watch people we love fall and get hurt, but we have to let them go. It doesn't make it easy...it makes it necessary. If they know that you have their best interest at heart, they will always forgive you because you love them.

Right at this moment

Right now. Where are you? What decision have you made for your future RIGHT NOW? It may be wrong tomorrow, but RIGHT NOW, it is right. You feel it, right? When you choose, you are not derailed by thoughts of failure and details of doubt. You are so confident that Superman couldn't stop you. It doesn't mean you can't change your mind ever. Yes, this is your out. Because RIGHT NOW this decision or committment is here. Nothing can change that. Have you ever had to make a decision in the blink of any eye and then only after you have had time to really process it, do you wonder how that all happened? Right now, this is what I offer you...keep reaching for your dreams...do something different...go out of your way to make a difference in someone else's life...right now. I am still amazed at how something I said or did that seems so insignificant to me can make the world of difference to another person. Right at this moment, I am thinking about so many things I want to say about where I am headed next and really have no clue on how to get there. I don't have to have the answers now...but I have to continue to look for them. Sometimes, even if I don't want them to come, they still do. That tells me something that I have to listen to and pay attention. Right now, I am getting tired and have lots to do tomorrow. Be safe and I will see you soon.

'Tis the Season

Today, we had our first significant snowfall for the season and I loved it! It really wasn't too cold and as long as you were careful, driving around town was not too bad. I even went out less than an hour ago to pick up our son from the movies. Last night, we went to a production that gave a live performance of most of the Christmas songs we all love. Yes, Santa was there. With the peacefulness of the snow falling and the decorating of the tree, it reminded me of this time of year. Growing up in Southern California, it could be 85 degrees and sunny on Christmas morning and I grew accustomed to that. It was not unheard of and probably more usual every year. Then, we moved here and as the boys got older, it was such a joy to watch them make snowmen in our front yard, build snow forts, and of course, have snowball fights with each other. But for some reason, this year is different, but I am not sure why. Part of the production last night included many different cultures and how they celebrate this time of year and I learned a thing or two as well. So, as we are rushing around town to get that one last gift that has to be mailed tomrorow, stop...breathe...and remembering what this season is about and why it means something to each of us. The blanket of fresh snow gently rests on my yard while I stay warm inside, I am blessed this season and look forward to beginning 2012 with even greater anticipation!

Things unravel

This time of year, we can feel so overwhelmed. For some of us, it doesn't matter what time of year it is...life itself has us going on all cylinders and we feel like if we stop, then we will not have the strength to get back up again. Like a string on a sweater that seems to just barely noticeable, something gets pulled on and then the next thing you know, everything is falling apart. Looking back, you can't even remember what started everything in motion. I ran into a friend this week at work and she told me in a matter of hours, her son had lost his wallet, locked the keys in the car, and the battery died (as his friend waited once inside the car when her son was looking for his wallet). I know what that feels like when everything seems to be hitting you all at once. I have to replace three major appliances this holiday season (yeah for me?!?), but you have to have them. Because the alternative is more of an inconvenience than NOT having them. How do you react when things start to spiral out of control? Do you shut others out? Do you vent to those that will listen? Do you ask for help? I told our son this week that his attitude about a situation that would not change would have to be what changed. He did not like it, but he knew it. There are times like this in everyone's life...I mean, they say things happen in three's. So I guess, if one thing happens, pay attention, because usually there is a couple more headed your way. If you had the three already come to you, then maybe they are done for a while. Pick up the pieces of that sweater and put it back together as best as you can. Know it may not be exactly they way it was, but it is better than not having it at all.