Saturday, July 30, 2011

Changing lives begins with mine

Who would've thought that my life would turn out the way it is right now? My belief was always that I would take what was there, never really understanding that I could change it. I had to accept whatever was given to me and it was the way it was meant to be. I had a nice lunch yesterday with LL (I remember her name -- LOL) as we talked more about how our childhood and past really dictate some of our biggest fears that we carry later on in life. The funny thing is that you don't have to come from a broken home with no money to have the same fears of unworthiness and self-doubt. We all question where we belong, what scares us, and what we believe about ourselves inspite of our environment. That tells me something that is universal - we all have fear and question if what we do matters and makes a difference. I think now we are at an age when we will see it in our kids and want to try to help them get passed where we still are in our own lives. We want them to learn the lesson about hope and courage and passion earlier than we did (or are doing) in our 30's and 40's. We need to take on the committment and willingness to help those around us by guiding them into changing their lives and we can do that in the most simplest of ways...we change our own life. We cannot control what other people think or feel in thier lives, but we can impact them in greater ways than we ever imagined. I have changed my life (for good) over the last 18+ months and have noticed how that has impacted my relationships with other people, what dreams and goals I have for myself, and realized what I am capable of doing. But it started with me. When I started this blog, it was for me. I started looking at life in a way I never had before and it made me feel better about who I am and what drives me. Then I started saying, "Yes" to more things in 2010 than I probably ever had before. I began to let people see more of me and let the walls down. I started a very intense exercise program because I had to do it for me, not for Rocky. I still do it for me, but love it when she is with me. My heart started to tell me things that I had ignored and dismissed for years and I finally started to listen. I realized that I did not need to have everything planned out and that some times "Going with the flow" was ok, too. I was paying attention to what I thought was missing in these teenagers' lives that would be easy for me to incorporate, but could not at work. Then, the bigger cry was heard - the women who are just like me. Women who are trying to find their way, after feeling lost and alone for so long. I am taking on a new project that will be gratifying to those it touches and hopefully they will begin to change their lives. They will see the hope and dreams they have long forgotten. The biggest joy I have ever seen is seeing someone I love live their dream. Who wouldn't want to be a part of that? Change your life and you could very well change the lives of others as well. It Starts with you.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Expect too much

I expect too much of myself at times. Not because of external pressure, but because of self-imposed pressure. Trying to be too many things to too many people and I forget to put myself first sometimes. I need to remember to forgive myself when I do accomplish all that I set out to do and be glad of what I did get done. Do you ever do that? Why do we do that? Because women try to do it all. I noticed this when I was cleaning up the dishes (after I cooked dinner) and my kids disappeared to resume whatever video game or TV show they were watching before dinner and my husband read over the sport page. I was not feeling the best and was not at the top of my game, but still got through...doing what needed to get done. Even when I had some "free time" this week, I did not use it the way I should have and felt like a failure as I looked at that as a missed opportunity to accomplish some tasks that are desperately in need of attention. I have to remember that I am no go to others unless I take care of me first. How do we find the balance? We have to learn "70 x 7" - and mean it. Not just say it. Do you know what that means? They say it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves. However long it takes us to forgive those that have hurt us, it takes us "70 x 7" times to forgive ourselves. That is sometimes easier said than done. I cannot go back and undo the time I lost, so I have to move ahead. Today is a new day with new hours that have been given to me and I need to use them the best I can. This week, I received an answer I have been waiting for over the last 6 months or so. Although it was not the answer I expected, it was an explanation. With this new information, I will adjust to what needs to be done and with that may come a few apologies to myself. I need to hear that it was ok that I fell short and I will pick it back up tomorrow or when I can. Don't expect too much -- chances are if you do, you will be disappointed. You need to be forgiven as much as the next person. You need to be willing to accept the apology, regardless of who is giving it.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

200

This is my 200th post. I think I needed to regroup and gather the thoughts I have before I could back on here. Like I said in my previous post, I was feeling deflated -- questioning how I could make it make sense when parts of this I don't really understand. However, I am just as committed as I was before. I have to keep trying, until I have nothing more to give. And even then, when I feel like I cannot do anything else, I will do something. There may not be a real message to this post, other than some ramblings coming out of my head, as they come out, but I needed to get back on the horse again and get to where I feel stronger and empowered. This is one of those places where I feel that, even though I may never meet or talk to any of you. I reach out and maybe something I say connects with you. Something you read reminds you of someone you hold special in your heart. I came across this quote recently and wanted to share it with you - "You can't learn from remembering. You can't learn from guessing. You can learn only from moving forward at the rate you are moved, as brightness, into brightness." - Sarah Mancuso What have you learned from this blog? From the numerous times you have asked yourself the same questions? What your answers tell you about where your heart truly wants to go? What have you learned about what you are willing to do to take the chances to change your life FOREVER? What have you learned about yourself? Because I am willing to be "all in", I have tell you my answers to these same questions. I have learned to live with my heart, not my head. I have learned what it feels like to see those I love and care about when they find their dream and commit to it. I have learned that I can do more than I thought I ever could. I have learned that allowing others to see me for me is worth the risk of being rejected. I have learned to not prejudge others because of being hurt before. I have learned that I look forward to putting my next post on here. I have learned that I want to help teenagers find the hope they have in their futures. I have learned that I want women to find the passion that fuels their dreams. I never thought this would take off like it has and believe it will continue to "move forward at the rate I am moved." Right now, I feel like I could do about 200 m.p.h.!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Sometimes, life is just hard

It is difficult to know what to do next...actually, that is not true. It is easy to know what to do next when I allow my heart to lead, but reality sets in and makes me take stock of what else I must consider. Other issues outside of this makes it hard to fix as well. I have asked people I trust what I can do to rectify that situation and they are at a loss just as much as I am. How can I explain what I feel deep down and what I believe my destiny is to someone that is not necessarily speaking the same language I am? I know that what I am taking on will take more of my already time-consumed day, where I have to balance everything I have in it. How? One breath at a time is the only answer I can come up with right now. I know this is just temporary and I will get through it. Not sure how or when, but I will. We are presented with small reminders of what makes us realize that we cannot get where we want to go, without some small hurdles and detours. I was planning on spending some time this weekend to get some things done that need almost immediate atttention, but I did pretty much none of it. I felt deflated, like a balloon slowly losing air. However, I will not be defeated. This is a test...and it will pass. I just have to keep working at it and eventually success and triumph will come my way. I know this post is not one of the familiar ones you might be used to, but this one is real-life and you all can relate to it. Some days, I don't feel like I show my "moxie" or "bloom". Need to go for a run and clear my head. Hope your day is a great one.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Never Rule ANYTHING out

Have you done this? Who hasn't? Where you dismiss possibilities before they really have a chance to grow into something that is living and breathing and becomes engraved so deep that it could never wash away? Keep yourself open to anything the comes your way. My focus for almost a year has been on teenagers - mostly because of what I see that they need. They need someone to believe in them, to tell them that they can have any future they want. They are going to have to work hard to get it, but it can be theirs if they want. I see struggles and lack of motivation and giving up every day and it makes me so sad. I want to help. Do I have all of the answers? No. No one does. I know what it looks like to feel empowered and stronger than ever before when you just hear the words, "I believe in you." Those words can be life changing and can motivate people like they never thought possible. Lately, without warning or a lot of thinking, my most recent attention has been on women and helping them find their "what". More to come on that later. I guess the point of this little note is that even though I was preoccupied with another goal, I have been presented with something that seems to welcomed and appreciated. The women I talk to feel like they are alone so they don't say anything to anyone. Guess what? We all are there - in that same exact moment and here is where we start to dazzle and show the world what we can do. I cannot rule anything out even though inside I am thinking, "Are you serious? Do I really need another thing to do right now? Really? Really?" Those of you that know me personally can probably hear my voice saying these exact words. However, my arms are receiving this and my heart is open wide. There are so many promises yet to be fullfilled that I can't even imagine any of them. I can, but I am not going there. I am "going with the flow" and "embracing the journey". Do not close the door on anything that presents itself to you - even if it is going to be difficult...even if it is not what you expected...especially if you think you can't. Anything is possible and you're possible. I'm possible. You have to try. Trying will lead you to doing and there in lies your success and the realization that your life can be different and better and what you always wanted. Anything and everything means more than you think it does, especially to me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

When you belong

We all know what it feels like when you belong to something. In turn, we all know what it feels to be exluded from something. At times, we can do all we know to do and it still doesn't fit "just right", for whatever reason. Other times, we expect it to just fit from the get go, as if we have nothing to do with it. I think it feels best when you belong to something that is even bigger than you can imagine - so big that just the mere possibilites cannot be comprehended at this moment. We all belong to groups - our families, our neighborhoods, our religions. But is that just a way to identify us? But do we feel more connected when we belong with our hearts? With our soul? So connected that it is impossible to imagine being disconnected from it? Close your eyes...breath slowly and purposefully. Where do you belong? In the life you currently have or in one of your dreams? You will know when it is the way it is meant to be...you just will. You will trust your instinct like never before. Deep down, where we rarely go, in the most sacred of places, we crave to belong. We yearn for it so much that it can make a broken person whole. I read a couple of months ago about a family that adopted a man (early 20's) to be a part of their family. He is a part of that family because he had none of his own. Can you imagine what that must feel like? It almost stuns me to think of how far I have come when I lay it all out there. I have been lost and detoured on roads towards what I thought was my final destination. I have taken a few wrong turns and have found myself surrounded by disappointments. I have come to a complete stop when it seems like nothing, really nothing, would get me moving again. I have crept along ever so slowly hoping no one would notice me. I have gone so fast that I did not appreciate what I was passing by. We have all been on these roads and others like it. Right now, I am just skipping along - faster than a crawl, able to see hazards, and slow enough to view what is before me. Skipping reminds me of my younger days when life was carefree and joyful...because it just was. My instinct to skip is like a second nature and doesn't really require any thoughts - it just happens. That is when I know, for sure, that I belong to something bigger than myself and I know you want it to!!!

It just keeps getting better

When Rocky and I miss a day or two, we have to catch up on everything that has happened. It sounds weird, but we both have a lot going on right now and when our heads are spinning all the time, it is hard to remember one day to the next. I skipped again today during our run as I told her about what happened yesterday and even though it was new and exciting and I have no real "plan" of what I am doing, I LOVED IT!!! Loved it, loved it, loved it. Did I say I loved it yet? Ok...moving on. Yes, lots to do, but there is a reason it is coming now. I am supposed to do it now. He sees what he has in store for me and although I cannot yet see the path before me (not even people sometimes at 5am - LOL), I have complete faith in it. It cannot be explained, and I am not even sure that I would want it to be. New doors and excitement are being generated by people around me that I never allowed in previously and we are all moving forward together. We see our hearts leading us like never before and we will change the world for the better. No matter what comes next, we will be ready for each challenge with support from one another and will overcome each one. We will be stronger because of what we must do. We will love more than ever before. We will see our lives like we never envisioned. Embrace life...change yours forever and you will never regret it. Life just keeps getting better. LOVE IT!!!

Make someone's day!

It is so easy and I love to see the reaction on people's face. You know they will be talking about it after you drive away. I was given a gift card for a local coffee place and used it yesterday and then left the card with the employee to be used for someone else. There was enough on that card for me to get my drink and pay for someone else's as well. He told me the balance on the card and I told him to keep it and the next person who came through, to use the card for them. Their coffee or whatever was on me. He looked at me as if I had said something crazy. I had the most fun doing that and not knowing whose day I had just made. It made me laugh and smile all the way to work. Even sending someone you don't talk to all of the time or thanking them for meeting you for lunch can make someone smile. I LOVE TO DO THAT! I got Rocky's attention yesterday when I used her full name in an email and last week sent my mom a card in the mail. Doing little acts of kindness brings so much joy to the recipient, but so much MORE to the giver. It is even better when you do it anonymously. Have you ever done that and watched other people's reaction? It is like a foreign concept because that is not what most people do. Absolutely priceless. Try it - you will feel wonderful and when we give freely, truly without any strings attached, it will be something you want again and again. Trust me.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

How did I get here?

Do you ever just stop, dead where you are, and look around and ask yourself that very question? And then after you ask it, can you even answer it? I am not sure that I can. I must ask myself this question at least once a day. Ok...I ask that question all the time. Especially when things are happening at the speed of light (yes, that is how it feels) and I am not sure that I even have a hold of the steering wheel. But I don't feel like I am out of control and losing my sense of place. I feel like I am EXACTLY where I need to be. I cannot explain it. It makes no sense to me and makes less sense to my husband. Where are you? Where do you want to be? Are you allowing things to unfold and show themselves to you and are you open to them coming your way? You have to be. Oh my gosh...today was fantabulous (yes, I just made that up from fantastic and fabulous - it is my blog and I can do what I want)! If you were to ask me what happened that made it so, I cannot put my finger on one specific thing. I know I was BLOOMING today! I could sense it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes - and people noticed it. I met a woman tonight and as I shared with her where things are going in my life, she told me she could see the passion and feel the excitement when I was talking. That is me just being me - "doing that thing I do". Pure exhilaration that is indescribable and contagious when I see it in others. How did I get here? I will never be able to answer that question. I do not remember the steps I took to get here and have a vision of where I want to be. My heart takes me there, not my mind. I had lunch today with two wonderful BUNCO Babes that I have not seen in sometime. TM and EZ - I have missed you both and am so grateful that we have re-connected and look forward to sharing more together. If tomorrow is going to better than today, I cannot believe it. I almost need someone to pinch me because it does not seem real. But it is and you know I will be asking myself that same question - "How did I get here?"

You ARE a force to be reckoned with!

Do you know how powerful you are? We have all seen the videos of forces of nature - tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, and avalanches. Why are we drawn to watch them? Because they are powerful and NOTHING stands in their way. Yes, these are destructive and we wish they would never happen, but they can teach us something. When does these forces stop? When they have run out of energy and cannot be self-reliant to move further. We are better. We are not destructive, but constructive. We build up rather than tear down. We are self-reliant beyong measure and if we run out of energy, we have someone next to us giving us more to use. I get frustrated when people do not see all that they can do - they settle. Maybe they don't feel like they are settling, but when I hear of unhappiness and dreams never pursued that is what I think. I have been told that when I am "doing my thing" that I have an energy that is contagious and I have seen people absorbing that and taking it all in. Especially those that are reaching for it (whatever "it" is) and not knowing how to get to it. We are powerful and can change the way people think all the time. Sometimes, it is the little things that mean the most - smiling at a stranger; holding the door for someone who might need help; or sending a card to someone you love, just because. Do you feel how mighty you are and what you can do with all of that "oomph"? You have to believe it first. No one can give you that one. When you feel like nothing can stop you and you are so giddy (yes,I said giddy) that you skip as you walk and hum songs in your head and you move. Use that! Yes, exactly that! My new favorite song is, "Move" by Mercy Me. It gets me going every morning since I heard it and then I know the world is in trouble - I AM a force to reckoned with and the world will never be the same. Even tomorrow will be different. Rock your world!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Channel your own path

We all have paths we take. Some we are paths we have not chosen, yet needed to take for reasons we may not have understood at the time. Some we are yet to take and are unsure of what will come our way. And yet others, we can decide for ourselves and purposefully select paths for our reasons. Which path are you on right now? One that was chosen for you or one that you have chosen for yourself? Which one would you pick if you could? Do you think you have a choice? Maybe not all of the time, but if you could incorporate a new path, would you take the chance to create it? What would it look like? Who would be next to you, always there, as you travel that path? Paths taken are not always what we think they should be and at times bring us things we did not want. Those are things we cannot change. It is necessary to accept them and move on. There is work left to do, people to meet, and dreams to make reality. Then, other paths take us to places that brings us such joy and happiness that it would have been impossible to even imagine it. How awesome it is when you can realize that you have control over the way you want to channel your path. Your path will amaze you and mine amazes me more everyday. To where it almost stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away. When I look back at where I was six months ago or a year ago, I have to really search for what my path looked like then. I cannot even remember what my path looked like last week, even. My path is like the yellow-brick road - as I continue to travel, the road appears almost underneath each foot as I take my next step. Never sure what lays in front of me, but never looking back. I am constantly growing in my faith, in my dedication to making my life different than my past, in my committment to my dreams and making them come true. Are you still wondering what you are doing here? You have to give in to the path that is before you...you will not regret it and you will be forever better. I told Rocky's mom once that "I am better because of her and she is better because of me." Mama Rock looked at me and told me, "No one has ever said that about her before." I said it and mean it. Everyday and always will. There is a reason (GOD) put the two of us on the same path that day that changed our lives forever. We have also traveled other paths we never thought we would, but are grateful that we did. They made us stronger and allowed us to be "all in". Pick your path...believe in it...embrace it...share it. This path is yours to take. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

Life is in front of you - Run at it!

No, this is not a request for physical exercise, but it is exercise for your soul and you CANNOT ignore it any longer. The time is now. Remember....it starts today. Your heart is begging for attention and you dismiss what you get glimpses of because you have doubt. I look back at snapshots of my past and now realize that I was having my best moments when I always did what came naturally to me. I didn't have to think about it and those are still my best moments. Look at your past and identify what brings you joy...pure joy...it has been there and you know it. There is just about nothing else that brings me the most joy in watching others find their joy. Even joy for me does not equal the joy I see and feel from those that I love when they are "doing that thing they do". It is magical and heaven but it is all wrapped in someone that is with me and that makes it real. Life can be magical and heaven - but you have to go get it. It will not come to you. We get stuck in our daily routines and are on "auto-pilot" most days. Nothing surprising happens, and we don't MOVE towards our goals or even take time to dream about them. If you want something different, you have to do something different. You will see a transformation that will take your breath away and make other people say, "WOW!" when you walk by or give them a smile. You will feel like nothing could ever stop you. And once you are there, you will love it. But, you have to get there. Your life is here and now and you have everything you ever wanted to do in front of you. I spoke to BC last week and she told me that it was "too late for her" to follow her dream. I told her that the only time it is ever too late is when you are in the ground. Don't wait. It is there...right now. Can you see it? You want to. Can you feel it? You want to. I know it's hard and you are afraid. But you will find out exactly how strong you are the more you push yourself to do more. Be more. Feel more. Give more. Love more. Enjoy more. Live more. Life is here and now...no more running away. That is only a temporary reprive from everything you don't want. Begin running towards something that you love and are passionate about and you will amaze yourself. Afterwards, you will sit back and say, "I did that." You will learn what your heart and soul want you to finally listen to and do. RUN AT LIFE!! Have a GREAT day!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Very grateful

I sometimes forget to be grateful for what I value and treasure most in my life. Today, I am reminding myself to be conscious of those exact things and people. I am grateful to my family, especially my husband and our three boys. Living in a house with four men can drive me bonkers half the time, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am grateful for my wonderful friends (some of you are also family) and what I learn from you and the love you give everyday. I am constantly amazed by the outstretched arms and smiles that come naturally and welcome me every time we see one another. I am grateful to have a little bit of money in the bank, a cool house (it is hot here), and reliable transportation. When was the last time you were grateful for all that you have in your life, and not grumbling about what you DON'T have in your life? We all have stuff we want or things we want to be different. That is a human desire and yearning. But we can also find ways to change our perspective about whatever circumstances we are in at the present moment. It amazes me sometimes how some people can hold onto being a pessimist and always looking at what is wrong, instead of what is right. Excuses come to the surface instead of understanding the lesson that you should be learning from the experience. You have to learn to let go and find a new way of looking at things. I have been called a "ding-dong" a couple of times when my thinking is off kilter, and that is my reminder of where I need to be. We all need to be reminded every now and again. Have you ever done a grateful journal? Every day, you have to write three things you are grateful for and you can have no repeats...ever. They do not have to be extravagant or luxurious. I have been grateful for a warm bed in the dead of winter or clean water on a blistering hot day (like today). You will be suprised at how many GOOD things you have in your life. No one is perfect and therefore, no one's life is perfect. Some things are worth fighting about and other things aren't. Don't be envious of others that may have something "more" than you - they may be lacking in other areas you don't know about and maybe they think you have "more". Life is not a competition; in fact, many times just showing up is a feat in itself. I have had to look hard, really hard in past situations where I could only find the negative. For days, that is what I saw in one particular situation. I couldn't let go and get past it and if I didn't I was going to be stuck there. We were going to be stuck, but no one could help me. I had to do it on my own. In that situation, I learned what someone would do for me, even against my will. I still keep the voice message she left me that day as a reminder. I am grateful for the sun coming up each morning when we run and am grateful even when I don't get what I think I deserve. Be grateful and you will appreciate your life more and all that you have in it. But you have to be willing to see it and know that your cup runeth over....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Snowballing in July!!!

Ok...trying to sit and catch my breath. Just for a moment. I am winding down after a crazy, whirlwind over the last 48 hours or so. So much has happened but in such a GREAT way. I have had two really good lunches with two ladies who are at the proverbial doorway or threshold and they are trying to decide if they have the COURAGE to change their lives. I know it is scary and you are unsure. Who isn't? But what do you have to lose? If you are unhappy now, why wouldn't you want to change that? Try something different...do something that you always dreamed of doing, even if other people might not understand. I am blogging my heart away most days of the week and working on other projects that are being carried by momentum that I almost cannot describe. One of my main focuses since August has been teenagers, and although that is still a big part of what I want to do, something related to serving women has taken on an exciting life that started as a crazy idea at the end of May. Here is what I think: we all have the same questions...we all have the same fears...we all have dreams. We are not so different even though we never meet, live thousands of miles away from each other, or speak different languages. We are more similar than we even realize. But instead, we think we are alone. We think no one else can feel or think the same things that we feel or think. The more I visit with women and open up the possibility of something that invigorates their soul, the easier it becomes. Not for me, for them. I told someone this week that I cannot go back and standing still is not an option either. Therefore, I am left with one choice and one choice only - to move forward. This new, exciting venture has me thinking about all that can be done and how can I play a part in it. I am not sure of my role yet, but I know I am getting very close to seeing something come to fruition that I never ever thought of before. I dismissed it...I had set it up to fail even before I even explored it. I was unfair to the opportunities that are before me at this very moment. I have to be open to it all, not just what I think it should be. I ask a lot of questions in these posts and they are meant to get you to think...yes, the hard questions that no one ever asks and are afraid to answer. What would happen if you had the courage to answer that question honestly? Would you commit to what is needed to be done in order to get what you want? When Rocky asked me the "infamous" question, I am not sure why she did. Maybe she doesn't know either. But I answered honestly, thinking I wasn't accountable to her, so what difference did my answer make? It made a lot of difference. She helped me and guided me when I needed it and then at some point, I had to take responsibility for myself. She couldn't do it any longer. I needed to be self-sustaining. And I was. Every time, I felt stronger and more committed to doing this for me. I could not do it for her. What are you choosing to do for you? You need to believe that you are capable of more. This can be the beginning of a new life - YOUR LIFE - and you can choose what happens from here. I have chosen and am committed to doing all I can to change my life. In sharing my life with you, perhaps you will find what you are looking for in yourself to change your life. Let's start the snowball rolling in July. Let's use this force to impact the world the way that we are really meant to and let our hearts guide us. WE CAN!!!

You can change the world

"As long as people in the world can change, people can change the world." I heard that in a movie last night and totally fell in love with it. Can you imagine how ordinary people, just like you and me, can help change the world? Do you believe that YOU can? I believe that YOU can. I believe that I can. Everything in this world that we all hold dear and yearn for can be something so unfathomable that it almost takes your breath away and you have to step away from it to almost look at from outside your own physical body. Can you see it? More importantly, can you FEEL it? You will. And you will KNOW it. And there will be NOTHING that will stand in your way of following it. Because I might classify my previous, pre-awakening years as safe and careful, I understand fear and doubt. But here I am with no real plan, a bunch of ideas, a great deal of support from wonderful people, and yet I feel like I can change the world. But it is not a heavy burden I carry because my changing the world starts with me changing me. That does not seem like too big of a task so I can manage it. In some strange, understandable way, that makes sense to me. It should to you as well. You change your world and however far your arms reach by starting with you. This blog is read by people all over the world and I am truly amazed by that fact alone. Some of you may read it to see what Rocky is doing and others may read it to follow the rollercoaster ride of my life. Regardless of the reason, you must find value in what you read here, and if you share it with others, then you must find value in what other people might think about what I write. Ask yourself, what can I do to make it better? To make it worthwhile? To make it what it should be? Do you remember my post about "An Army of One"? I might have begun this "Army" with some slights ramblings that I needed to get out of my head, but you are entrenched in this battle as much as I am. We know what we want and we know how we want to get it. Change your world if even just a little. Slowly, your world will look different and you will have to try to remember what it looked like before. I almost don't recognize my previous life because it seems so distant and unnatural to me. Like it wasn't really me. The world changes when its people change - the world won't change on its own. Jump in with both feet and start with you. IGNITE the people around you to do the same. Pretty soon there will be no stopping us.

Riding the wave!!!!!

Yes, I am from Southern California....no, I cannot surf. I was riding the wave yesterday and I told KD that when we were at lunch. More open...more accepting of whatever comes my way, even if I did not ask for it. The day started with me almost skipping a little when Rocky and I got started with our daily ("don't know what I would do without it") routine. She just smiled and laughed and wondered why I had so much energy at 5am. Don't you feel like skipping at 5am? We talk about our previous day and get caught up and then I do more skipping because I tell her about something that has me very excited and it was not something I initially set out to do. But there seems to be a need for it and women are drawn to it and because of that in itself, it tells me it is right. Deep down to my soul...that this is part of what I must do. I have only one choice...I cannot go back and cannot stand still. Therefore, my one choice it to move forward. ALWAYS. I felt like I was riding a wave all day - no fear, being me, letting my heart be seen by more people. I don't even realize when I do it. When something comes so naturally to you that you don't think about it, you are following your instinct. You are doing what you were made to do. It has always amazed me how much stronger and courageous I feel when I am doing something that is not outer-driven, but inner-driven. I don't focus on the negative, what if's. When you are sitting on the crest of your wave and you are in the groove, you KNOW it. You shine. You BLOOM!! Most times, I do not realize it when I am doing it. People will tell me afterwards. Look deep...really deep and ask yourself the best question ever asked of me: "What would I change in my life if I could change one thing?" What do you want to do with your one shot at life? When are you going to believe that you can change your life? Your past is just that...in the past. Let it go. Look towards your future by changing your today. It will be worth it and you can say, "I did that!" You will tumble and you will also stand taller than you ever stood before. You will reach for others that you think will be there and those you never thought of will be the ones to catch you. Life is a ride...a journey...an adventure. You will smile more and be more happy with who you are. You will turn heads and people will wonder how they can get what you have. You cannot buy it in the store and I don't have the magic formula or secret mantra. I have ALWAYS said that it starts with you and it starts today. When does your TODAY begin? No excuses. None. Ever. Be a California girl and RIDE YOUR WAVE!!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

But what if you can?

First, I have to thank a group of wonderful ladies that I have spent a good portion of this summer with as we attend our sons' baseball games. As I share more of me, I get more ideas and more excited about my dream. Thank you all...you know who you are. Sometimes, my best ideas for this blog or for other pieces to my adventure come at the most unique times. As I visited with SM and was just me being me, I pointed out that so many of us focus on the possibility of failure before we can even imagine success being what comes our way. Why is failure easier to swallow than success? I remember Rocky asking me back in September of last year if I would consider my attempt at losing 30 pounds a success or a failure, even if I lost 28 pounds. I told her I would consider it a failure. Here is where your perspective has to change. You attitude has to change. Instead of being sure that you can't, what if you can? I am reminded of a conversation I had with LL in KC about starting something for women in addition to what I want to do for kids. I went back to my hotel room, texted Rocky and then even though I had assurance from her, I backpeddled almost just as quickly, like I was having buyer's remorse. But then just as soon as I dismissed this great idea that I was so ecstatic about, I was texting Rocky again, saying "But what if I can?" - she again gave me her support, but it wasn't like I did not believe her, but I had already pictured the failure before I could even try. How can that be? We always think we know what is going to happen and we really do not know. I was on the teeter-totter of second guessing myself without even giving myself a chance to succeed. What are you thinking about or want to do that you can do to change your world, even in the smallest of ways? Passion and excitement should always win over fear and doubt. I see it every day when I hear about Rocky moving closer to bringing her dream to reality. Nothing makes me more thrilled than hearing about someone sharing about their dream - even those far-fetched, I must be crazy dreams. Last week, I was with two new friends and I asked one what she always dreamed of doing in her life - SJ admitted she always wanted to be a pilot. LR told me later than she has known SJ for years and never knew she wanted to be a pilot. Taking baby steps is still moving forward. "Something that is passionately driven cannot be prevented from moving forward." Never focus on the negative, never think about what you cannot do. Believe that you can...and once you do that, you will find it and accept it when it happens for real. I do not question anymore if I can't serve others in the way I do - whether with my words, my willingness to share, or by giving my time. I believe that I can. Tonight, I was told that someone that I have spoken to at some of these baseball games has taken some of the things we have shared and started to figure out where she is in her life. Always here, SM. What if you CAN?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Celebrate you

For a very long time, I have never believed that there was a reason big enough to celebrate me. Yes, even on my birthday. I am just me, and because of my past, I did not feel that it was a good enough reason to let others appreciate who I am and what I mean to them. I think I always believed that if I was worth it, then my life would have been different. I shy away from any attention as it usually makes me feel uncomfortable. When I received awards or did well in athletic events, I shrugged those moments off as being insignificant all the time because taking a compliment was difficult. I am learning to say "thank you" when accolades and terms of endearment come my way. I down play it and try to change the subject and deflect if I can. Yesterday was my birthday and I started it like I do most of my mornings - with a run with Rock. However, yesterday was different...it was special and I will always remember it. As we watched the sun coming up, we took in why yesterday was significant...to both of us. Rock, yesterday morning was the BEST ever and I am so grateful that I got to share it with you. As we sat there and just spent time being together, there is nothing that will ever be better than that. TYFE. What I am (slowly) realizing that when I dismiss other people's compliments and what they say about me, then I take something away from them. They are freely giving me their love and I am refusing it. I cannot do that any longer. It is not fair to the giver. They deserve to know that you have accepted their love, their willingness to tell you what they think and feel about you, and you need to receive it just as freely as it is given. I will admit...I do not do this well, but am working on it. Everyday, I grow into a better version of me. Each day, I try to do something that takes me outside my "normal" comfort zone so that there are less things that frighten me and cause me to doubt. Do you let those that are about you most take in the joy that is you? Whoever YOU are? Let them. It is not so much for you but for those around you. Even if it doesn't seem real...even if it has never happened before...even if it makes you want to crawl under a rock and hide. Don't. Embrace it. Take it in and let that love cover you like a warm blanket and give you comfort in knowing that you are loved and special and treasured by others. Let them celebrate you. You deserve it and so do they. They deserve you.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Plan on being surprised

There are some things in life you can plan....you can plan on going to college...you can plan on getting married...you can plan on making it on the PGA Tour. Most things in life, however, do not go as we planned on them to and we get something different instead. Maybe not entirely different. But different. Growing up, I never imagined (once) that I would move away from California. I planned on being an attorney. In case you were wondering, I am not an attorney in California. As much as I thought I could plan out most things, I am still taken aback at some of the wonderful things that have happened and the best people I have met - and I didn't plan any of it. Life takes us not where we think we should go - but where HE knows we should go. When my husband and I got married almost 22 years ago, it was a leap of faith...promising to love each other, despite whatever good or bad came our way. I remember telling my dad after we had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary that I was not surprised, but everything we said we would do, we did. We planned on our marriage working, but there have been many surprises along the way. Are you thinking that you can have this all planned out and know what is coming? Are you going to be disappointed if it doesn't happen that way? Probably so. I have done a little bit (ok, a lot) of questioning and have not accepted even the good things that have surprised me. My biggest surprise has come over the last couple of months. That surprise has been that I cannot plan where my heart is taking me...what drives it most...above everything else. A chance meeting changed my life forever and I am better for it and always will be. Take each surprise as something you must experience, with a lesson to be learned. Growing each time as you need to be better than you were the day before. As you take in a breath, take in life and all that it brings your way. Accept it for what it is and what is before you right at this moment. Do not try to plan out your future with the most specific of details. You will meet new people, you will see and feel new things, and your life will be forever changed. You cannot plan for everthing...you just can't. You can try, but sometimes wasted effort and time can be used more constructively, using that energy to make the world better. It may not be what you planned on, but you will treasure all that comes your way...because you couldn't plan on it or expect it. EMBRACE THE JOURNEY!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Only One Way to Find Out

Have you been asking yourself some questions about how you can change your life...what you want your life to look like...what you need to do to get there? Well, YOU SHOULD BE!!! I am not talking to myself, am I? No, I did not think so. Who doesn't have questions?? Who knows all of the answers? Hopefully, the same number of hands went up both times. If your hand did not go up twice, you are not being honest with yourself. If you have questions, do you know the best way to find answers? Go get them! That's right! That is the only way you will find out. I am embarking on a new journey everyday and I learn more about people than I ever have before. I am vested and care about what makes them who they are and where they want to be. I am surprised at how many people are alot like me, the more I get to know them. We have been conditioned and learned from our past so we are "careful" now...not trusting completely, giving just enough to get by, hoping no one will notice. Is this you? More hands? "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." If you love and lose, then you learn something. If you never love, then you also learn something. But the difference is that if you never love, you don't receive the joy, don't have the memories, don't have anything about what could've had. You have nothing if you take a chance at nothing. You cannot lose what you do not put in harm's way. You have to be willing to lay it all out there...because there is only one way to find out....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I give up

No, no, no...not what you are thinking. Yesterday, I really, FINALLY, let go of something that I think I still didn't believe. I was wasting time and energy on trying to accomplish something that I really was not going to succeed at anyway. I told a dear mom Saturday night at what I kept trying to do, but she was very grateful that I had not succeeded. Everyone knows how much I love a challenge, but she also knew what I was up against. Her heart was in it for the long hall, too, as she gave me another hug. Monday, another comment comes my way that takes me by surprise and reassurances abound where doubt and self-sabotage had taken over. Yesterday, I gave up trying to fight against something I didn't want anyway. I know, I know...I tell you to never give up. But this is a good surrender. Once I did, my day just went awesome. I took care of some ideas that I am trying to move forward so that they become reality and do not continue to live in my head. What are you holding on to that you need to give up? Something that does more damage than good? Someone that is more harmful and helpful? Take a good look around - I am sure you can find something or someone that you need to give up. Do not get me wrong - do the good fight for the good things, but do not be willing to surrender what you love because it is easy. I am done questioning and believe what is in front of me. No prejudging, no shaking my head in disbelief. Accept and surrender to what is there in front of me, right now. Give it my everything, "all in", and let me be me. I give up. Now, I have one less thing to worry about and put my energy into so that I can really focus on what needs to be done...what drives me in a way I never thought anything ever would. Get rid of things in your life (thoughts, people, tasks) that weigh you down. They get heavy and you need to devote more time into those things that boost you up. There is never a shortage of anchors lying around, but people certainly get excited when they see a hot air balloon, don't they? Be a hot air balloon today. People will notice...just watch. SOAR!!!!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Memories Made

How was your holiday weekend? Mostly speaking, this one was for the books, but great times were had with pictures, hugs, laughs, and even a few fireworks thrown in. With the hustle and bussle of every day life, remember to have fun and make memories. Not just for you, but for those that you love most. Saturday night, my husband and I went to a retirement party for Rocky. No, she is not hanging up her running shoes, but she is beginning a new adventure and it was a HUGE success. Great food, a band, fireworks, and wonderful people made the night amazing and one that we will remember. Forever. Last night, my husband grilled ribs and shrimp as we watched out boys play wiffle ball in the front yard, just like when they were younger. They also played a little hoop in between setting off their wares from the fireworks stands. I brought out the camera and tried to capture those memories that might be long forgotten had I not hold onto it for just a moment. Like is so quickly passing us by that every moment, every smile, every post will trigger a memory in someone, somewhere. What are you doing in your life that you are proud of and want your family to remember about you? That your house was always clean? No, thanks. That you raised good kids? That you found something that made you happy, even against the odds, did it anyway? My wish for you is that you start taking your today and make your tomorrow part of the memories you will treasure forever. We never know if we have tomorrows but we have today...right now...and regardless of what it brings, you will always have memories. Treasure them. Keep them close. Smile about them and share them with others.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I don't get it

Sometimes, we make things harder on ourselves than it needs to be. I don't get why we do that. Sometimes, people that we love the most can say the most hurtful things. I don't get why they do that. Sometimes, things aren't that complicated. I don't get why people make it so. Sometimes, people are mean and jealous of others. I don't get that wasted time and effort. Sometimes, people change their minds. I don't get how you think I knew that. Sometimes, people look for something to catch you on. I don't get why pointing out mistakes is a good thing. Sometimes, people can look you in the eye and lie to you. I don't get dishonesty. Sometimes, people need to stand up to bullies and put them in their place. I don't get why people don't tell others when they are wrong. There are many more...I sit here shaking my head because of these scenarios seem dumb and a waste of life itself. I had a really nice conversation with a young man yesterday and he has made some bad choices in his life, yet he seems to be understanding of what will come his way because he has accepted responsibility for his actions. He is not making excuses or blaming others. He is being a man. Way to go, KT, I am proud of you. Why is it so hard being the kind of people we really want to be? Yes, I already answered my own question - because it is DIFFICULT! Sometimes, we have our own agenda because we need to take of us - I get that - but not all the time. I tell people that I am here to serve and some of the people that I work with are surprised by that but it is the truth. I am here to serve not just at work, but in my family, with my friends, at my church, in this world. I am built that way. There are takers and givers in this world - which one are you? If you are a taker, do you want to give more? Are you unsure of how to go about making that change? Start little, but it starts with you and your heart. Take "you" off the agenda and put others first. It is amazing what you get back. It will fill your heart with such joy, that you will never want to be a taker again. All of the things I mention above are choices that people make and I will never understand most of them. But it has to change. We want it to change. We have to work at it and never give up. We get frustrated when we feel like we fail at something we are trying to be, so we want to throw in the towel and walk away. "Running is easy...staying is hard." But what if we keep trying to be something that we are? That I get.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Snap out of it!

There are days when I forget why I am here and lose track of my mission. Most of the time, they are not consecutive days, but more like hours or minutes. Maybe they just feel like days as I have gotten off track and I stumble a little before I can right myself. I allowed myself to fall into old ways and was reminded of where I am and that it is not where I need to be. In so many words and actions, I wouldn't surrender to what was in front of me at that very moment. I kept resisting, really believing that was I saw and felt had to be a lie. It just had to be, right? But what if I am wrong? What if what is in front of me, at this very moment, is genuine and true? The only reason not to believe that is because it is new. Nothing I have ever seen has shown me anything different. The unknown doesn't always frighten me as much as my past can and I question and look for something that has no bearing on what the present shows me. I have to keep finding the courage and the strength, because it is difficult and going to be worth it. It has to be. I have to believe that and trust. There are so many things going on in my head right now, that I am sure that anyone around me must feel like they are on a roller coaster. Maybe they are holding onto the handrail for dear life because it makes them feel safe. I know what that is like. Or maybe they just put their hands up in the air and feel the wind and take it all - the excitement, the dips, the loops, and the climb because that is me. I have always believed that there are two things we can control = attitude and effort. I chose to have a negative attitude and therefore my effort was minimal. As much as I have to not resign to settle for the life before me and continue to look for better and more, some days are more of a struggle than others. We cannot be "chipper" all the time. Those that are closest to us will see the real us - even when we try to hide it. Or so I have been told. Are you in a rut? Are you stuck? SNAP OUT OF IT! In the movie, "Moonstruck" with Cher and Nicholas Cage, Nicholas' character tells Cher's character that he loves her. Her response? She slaps him across the face and says, "Snap out of it!" I needed that today. Although I did not get the slap, I got the message just the same. Don't question...the choice is not mine to make...AaE...CLEAR.