Dreams come after the nightmare

When do we see our dreams? After we have had something terrifying happen. Do you ever go to sleep at night, thinking great thoughts, just resting as you slowly drift off to slumber? And then without warning, PUMA! You are trapped in some crazy dream that may include a mouthful of teeth that are really gum or that you are back in your childhood home, standing on the roof, where vampires are trying to get at you, so you are tearing pieces of the house off and throwing what you can at the vampires? Ok...maybe that was just me. The teeth dream wasn't me and I still don't know what that all meant. When do you start to see the rainbow? After the storm. Same thing. Things get clearer just after the chaos settles and you can get your ground again. That is not the hardest part. The hardest part is not knowing when the chaos will end and how do you handle it in the meantime. So what do you do? You grin and bear it, you get through it, you do all you can to keep your boat afloat. You survive. I know how to do that one...I am the Queen of that one. Still am to some degree. I always felt it was easier to do it alone and not feel like I was burdoning someone else. My phrase of "Not your problem" was something I had practiced my entire life, without really having a name for it. Because I thought asking for help meant I was weak. I didn't want people to see me as weak. After all, I could take on anything. Or so I thought. For a long time. When do we see the sky? After the clouds have parted and the newness comes to us. Even though we had to struggle and fight and be hurt and cry and get through it all, we get that final confirmation that it will be ok. We are still here after all of it. Believe that the nightmare always comes before the dreams. Here is the difference...nightmares are just our fears that usually never come true, but dreams can and do become reality. Believe in your dreams. They are just a storm away.

Out live your life

I spent Friday evening with KR and LL and LL leaned over and whispered to me, "Out live your life." She said, "What does that mean toyou?" I have been thinking about this since then, not quite sure how to answer her. I am not really that sure I know, but I am going to take my best guess. I interpret that to mean that I need to live more, be more, give more than what life shows me. I extended the years I am on this earth by living more. My impact on others may live long past that, but right now I am here. I am here for a reason and my task is to outlive my life. To give it all I have, every day. To knock on doors that otherwise I might have walked right passed and to open up people's minds to something new, to see that there is hope. When others can take even baby steps to make their lives different, that is how they start to outlive their lives. Why do we wait so long to start living? I am not just asking you, as I was not living for the majority of my life. Then, something unexplained happened to me. I opened my heart and soul to the thought of living. I told complete strangers that I saw their potential and watch it grow into what I see before me. I received a text today from KD today about an opportunity that she has on Monday. She is trying to get an opportunity to shine and I know once she walks in that door, she will show everyone exactly what she can do. Believe, girl!! Show your MOXIE. As I was reflecting today about all of the little episodes that have occured in my past that have tried to give me glimpses of what I should be doing, I have to laugh. I did not realize what it meant at the time. Little things like giving a retirement speech in front of 300 people...talking after a meeting, surrounded by 10 ladies who are there to just listen...volunteering to teach the Junior Achievement Program. The signs were all there. I wasn't ready to see them or did not put them together. The G.I.F.T. ladies received a list of questions about how they find their dream and what they are passionate about last month. I might not have wasted so much time had I discovered those questions some years ago. Looking back, I have discovered my true passions...I love to talk - no comments from those that know me personally - I love to work with youth - I love to see women grow and live the promise they are meant to live - I love to write. Make your life mean something to others. Impose such an impact that it would be impossible for anyone not to remember you. I once questioned that of someone - if she would remember me. I have NO DOUBT that she will. UNCONDITIONALLY. Forever. Out live what you think you supposed to do...your life is meant to be shared with others. Don't just live your life...out live it.

Riding the wave!!!!!

Yes, I am from Southern California....no, I cannot surf. I was riding the wave yesterday and I told KD that when we were at lunch. More open...more accepting of whatever comes my way, even if I did not ask for it. The day started with me almost skipping a little when Rocky and I got started with our daily ("don't know what I would do without it") routine. She just smiled and laughed and wondered why I had so much energy at 5am. Don't you feel like skipping at 5am? We talk about our previous day and get caught up and then I do more skipping because I tell her about something that has me very excited and it was not something I initially set out to do. But there seems to be a need for it and women are drawn to it and because of that in itself, it tells me it is right. Deep down to my soul...that this is part of what I must do. I have only one choice...I cannot go back and cannot stand still. Therefore, my one choice it to move forward. ALWAYS. I felt like I was riding a wave all day - no fear, being me, letting my heart be seen by more people. I don't even realize when I do it. When something comes so naturally to you that you don't think about it, you are following your instinct. You are doing what you were made to do. It has always amazed me how much stronger and courageous I feel when I am doing something that is not outer-driven, but inner-driven. I don't focus on the negative, what if's. When you are sitting on the crest of your wave and you are in the groove, you KNOW it. You shine. You BLOOM!! Most times, I do not realize it when I am doing it. People will tell me afterwards. Look deep...really deep and ask yourself the best question ever asked of me: "What would I change in my life if I could change one thing?" What do you want to do with your one shot at life? When are you going to believe that you can change your life? Your past is just that...in the past. Let it go. Look towards your future by changing your today. It will be worth it and you can say, "I did that!" You will tumble and you will also stand taller than you ever stood before. You will reach for others that you think will be there and those you never thought of will be the ones to catch you. Life is a ride...a journey...an adventure. You will smile more and be more happy with who you are. You will turn heads and people will wonder how they can get what you have. You cannot buy it in the store and I don't have the magic formula or secret mantra. I have ALWAYS said that it starts with you and it starts today. When does your TODAY begin? No excuses. None. Ever. Be a California girl and RIDE YOUR WAVE!!!

Spring is new life

Spring is probably my favorite season, but it has new meaning this year. Last year, I was in such a whirlwind that I was not sure what was happening. I had words and phrases that would just come to me, whenever; I started running (at 5am needless to say); and my entire outlook on life dramatically changed. For the good. I never saw it before, but I love watching the flowers (remember the bud vs. bloom post) come up from the ground after a long sleep. That is where we are...ready to come out of our slumber and show the world who we are. The green grass represents growing and color where dull and drab was over the cold winter. We are vibrant and exciting and ready to let the world see us bloom. I have messed up in my life, but hopefully not so badly that I cannot fix it or will not be forgiven. Faith comes at this time of year as it is restored into most Christians as we celebrate Easter. Every flower is unique as each of us are and it is imperative that we take our call from Mother Nature and share our selves, without hesitation with everyone around us. You have been given a chance to change your life...are you willing to do it? What would you do if you were not afraid? We would probably do lots of things...but are you willing to try? Even if you could fail? Would you feel worse for trying and failing or failing to try? Now is the perfect time to start a new - to try something you never thought you would. Rocky and I just celebrated our 1st year anniversary from our first running morning. I remember being so nervous about what to expect, seriously thinking to myself, "What did I get myself into?" Taking a chance on something new, something completed off my radar at the time, makes me better. The other day, I was not feeling my MOXIE, and I had to ask someone, "How do I get inspired when I am so used to inspiring others?" D told me that I need to get inspiration from others, just like others do. I find inspiration in admiring people who are so committed to their dreams that they stop doing what was expected of them. They leave the job they were educated for and follow their hearts. That is inspiring to me - for someone to have that kind of courage to walk away and be firm in their beliefs. It is spring - what new life do you want for you? It can be done. Go get it.

What to do...

I was hoping today I would get more answers to the questions I have, yet that was not to be. Now, I have even more questions. Every scenario is playing out in my head and not sure what decision, if any, needs to made at this time. Not even sure that this is the right time to make such a decision. When I was asked a couple of weeks ago what my decision was going to be if this presented itself, I made it very clear what my decision would be. Now that I could be at that exact point, I question. I have to dig deep...I have to trust my heart...like never before. I have to be willing to lay it all out there, never sure of what tomorrow brings. I visited with an old friend today at lunch and it was so good to catch up with her. The funny thing is that we have actually known each other for years, but never really did anything socially like going to lunch before. It was nice to see J and hear what was going on in her life and share what was new in mine. Later, I sent her a text telling that it was a great lunch and she told me that I make her smile...I told her that was easy. I like easy. I read recently that nothing makes you feel better than knowing that the smile someone gives to you is probably a result of you giving them one (or something like that). I know that the answers are there for me...if I let them appear. But I have to be willing to accept them for what they are, even if I am afraid. It is hard to let go and wonder. I asked for signs all day today, hoping that the answers would come. So far, I have not seen any, but will definetely keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe they will come tomorrow when I run. Sometimes, that doesn't help - I end up with more questions. I have to have faith and believe in something not yet secure or definite. That can be hard to do. I have to believe it in order for others to believe in it. Wish me luck...stay tuned for more later. Have a wonderful evening.

Listen to your heart

I have been wide awake since about 3am my time. I am not even sure why. I am anxious to get back out and run again this morning as the temperature is a balmy 55 degrees. YAY!! I am sure my inability to rollover and get more shut eye may have something to do with some of the work I have to do for these new ventures/projects, but do not really feel overwhelemed by them. I have no expectations (other than I expect to do them well), but really whatever happens after they are done is ok with me. If it is something that gets done once and then we move on, I am ok with that. However, I think they may actually lead to other avenues yet to show themselves. In fact, as I was telling a friend yesterday about these new ventures, she wanted to include me on her list of possible classes that her clients would need to take. We will see. I just know that the more I share more of my passion for helping kids and adults see what life has to offer them, the more I feel alive. Like I am finally giving the world my self, my true self. I have hidden it for so long that I was asked recently that if I had to choose between putting money in my pocket or following my heart (with no guarantee of money), I would have to pick following my heart. I have told this same friend that it is not always about money, and it isn't. You can make more money, but you cannot always follow your heart. Money cannot guarantee your dream coming true. Pursuing your dream and making it a reality will reward in more ways than you can ever imagine. You feel alive...you feel happy...you feel complete. I have said that I cannot stop this momentum and have to at least say I tried it. Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it works out better than I ever imagined, or maybe it crashes beyond all repair. I have to try. Do you have something that is tugging at your heart that you have to try? That just seems to be nagging at you, even though you have tried to ignore it, but it will not go away? It will keep presenting itself to you in an attempt to get your attention. When are you going to listen? You have to quiet your mind and listen to your heart...it will take you where you need to go. Be brave. Be strong. Hold true to what you believe. Listen to what is being said. Then act on it. It will never go away until you do something about it. You have to try.