Wednesday, October 27, 2010

No regrets

This is something I strived for this weekend when I went out of town with a friend to Mall of America to spend some time away and shop. For those of you that know me, I hate shopping and it was my suggestion - so she caught me at a weak moment. Anyway, in previous conversations with this friend, I have shared things with her and then once I did, I regretted it and wished I could take things back. It actually became a subject of one of our many conversations this weekend. I told her that I didn't want to regret telling her things, but I think I wanted her to know but became afraid that she might judge me differently and therefore I would be sorry that I said anything at all. I am really good at withholding information. I shared with her some things from my past that very few people know, if they even remember. But again, I have to trust that my past will not dictate her view of me just as her past will not dictate my view of her. After it is all said and done, we got to know each other better and had fun also. Our husbands may not be allowing us to take another trip like this after they see the receipts. I told her the next morning after I shared with her, that I did not have any regrets about letting her in to my past and I still felt that way today. I felt like I would never get over that hurdle, but I think I did. We should all live our lives with no regrets. What are you holding on to that you are afraid to let out, thinking that you will have regrets if you do. I know I am trying to live like that...how about you?

Validation

Back in May, I titled a post, "Got Burned" where I mention about a kid that I worked with where he made a bad decision after I tried to help him. Today, without warning, he and his mom both stopped by my office. I was so excited to see him, even though he never came back to my office to tell me that he got in trouble again. He tells me nothing about his trouble but tells me that he graduated from high school, bought a new truck, and is in college studying criminal justice. Since I had never met his mom, I kind of mention to her about what kind of convesations her son and I have had over the months that I have known him. She tells me that although they came to the office for other reasons, that he told her he wanted to stop by my office to see me. She tells me he is so anxious, he just about runs down the hallway. As he gets ready to leave, I tell him that I am proud of him and hope he stops by again soon. He tells me he will. I believe him. Here is the key for me - him coming to my office, by choice, was huge validation for me. For those of you that don't know, I work with kids that make bad decisions and I encourage them to try to find the right path. Every now and again, I wonder if what I say really makes a difference in their lives, or do they just tolerate my lectures and look forward to the day that they are no longer in my office. Today, was validaton and confirmed that I had made a difference in this kid's life. He wants to be in law enforcement and he is working hard at achieving that goal. I can tell you this, when he is sworn in as an officer, I will be at that ceremony. He does not know that yet, but he will even, if it is 4 years down the road from now. On occassion, I have received thanks from kids for helping them, but I think this kid is different. Even his mom told me that she felt better coming into my office, even though I am not sure what I said. That just goes to show you that I am learning that the more I give freely of my talents, my heart, and my quest to serve others the more I receive. Isn't that amazing? The more you give, the more you receive - even in ways you didn't expect. I promise - it will come back to you.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Have you seen SPIRIT in action?

I know it is Halloween time, but I am not talking about "spirits." I mean truly see someone or people just shine. As I was out walking this morning, this kept coming to me..I was so afraid I was going to forget it. Example one - last spring, it was the opening day ceremonies for our local recreational baseball/softball programs. As is customary in baseball, the National Anthem is sung before you start every game. That day, was no exception. With about 500 people huddled together on one side of the gym to watch the parade of athletes, a young girl (maybe about 8) is handed the microphone to sing the National Anthem. She starts singing beautifully, and then gets stuck and forgets the words. Remember, there is no instrumental music playing along with her singing. She tries several times to start from where she left off, but once it is gone, it is hard to get going again. Think about it - could you start in the middle of the Pledge of Allegiance? I know I would have a hard time. By this time, people are trying to whisper to her the next words, but she forgets she is holding the microphone and we all hear her say, "What?" a couple of times. Anyway, after about five failed attempts to start where she left off, she finally starts over...at the beginning. Here is where the SPIRIT comes in - without any words from anyone running this event, the entire gym starts signing right along with her!!! I teared up and I am sure many others did as well. It is something I will never forget. Example two - a very close friend of mine received an award last night at a very prestigious gathering. She is very humble and does not volunteer and give back to receive recognition. She is simply following her heart. When I see her in action - making things happen, creating positive change, I see her SPIRIT. We all have SPIRIT (I am not a cheerleader, but have a sister who was and totally want to say "Yes, we do!" right now) - it is so wonderful to see. Do you show your SPIRIT? Why or why not? It can truly take your breath away and leave you speechless. Don't be afraid - let people see your light shine. It is one of my most favorite things - watching other people shine. Be the light today. Have a wonderful weekend!!!

Monday, October 18, 2010

I found me!

As silly as that sounds, it is what I wrote down Saturday morning. I had not run that morning, so that could not be why I was acknowledging this new found treasure. I am still dedicated to everything this is going to be. I saw a former neighbor the other day who had not seen me for a couple of months and also visited with a current neighbor last week. I have not really seen these ladies for some time and it was great to catch up. They could tell I had made some physical changes and I got them up to speed on how that went and also on the journey I continue to take. I continue to tackle fears that I had buried so deep, I had forgotten they were even there. I know that I will be successful and am looking forward to new challenges every day, even those that I cannot solve. I don't think I ever really lost me...I think I just decided to show me to the world. So far, nothing negative has happened and I am surpised consistantly with the positive feedback I have received from it all. Part of me wishes I had done this all sooner, but I wasn't ready. I don't want to start having any regrets now. I am amazed at how free I feel in letting me be me. Every day, I am reminded of the journey I am on and continue to embrace what it means to me everyday. I know sometimes I lose sight of it, but it is never very far away. I don't think I could stop this, even if I tried. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Don't ever give up

Do we feel like we have to keep trying? At whatever it is we are trying to accomplish? I think we do. I know I can be stubborn at times (good thing my husband does not read this) and have to keep striving for more. Most of the time, I don't ever feel like I can just give up. Sometimes, things do not go the way we want them to, but we forget that our way is not always The Way. I still push myself to run about 5-6 days a week, even though I am not trying to accomplish a weight loss goal and training for a race. Somedays, I walk and talk with my friend and that is always fun, too. On the days that I run alone, that is when I have quiet time for me when I can plan out my day and focus on still trying to run. It still amazes me that even my goal is over, I still cannot wait to start my day and run. The last two mornings, I have been up at about 4:30am. Don't ask me why - I do not have an answer. It is so refreshing to be outside and work hard and then you have the rest of the day. I used to love sleeping in - now I can't. My idea of sleeping in is getting up at 6am on a day I don't have to get up. I read a quote a few months ago that says, " You should feel that being you is enough." When I struggle with thoughts of needing to be better than I was before, I have to remind myself of that quote. I also read that as ..."difficult as it is to forgive others, it is more difficult to forgive ourselves." It is hard to do both - don't ever give up, but also remember to forgive ourselves if we fall short. We know we will fall short sometimes, and sometimes we will make it. Everyone wants to be around when we make it. We also know that when we do fall short, we have others that will pick us up and encourage us to never give up. Those people are true friends. Find those people in your life and keep them close - they want to be around for the good, but also in case the bad and the ugly come around too. Have a tubular Tuesday! (The California girl came out in me this morning - sorry! :-))

Thursday, October 7, 2010

New contact from outside my circle

Today, I checked my email account associated to this blog. I do not check it very often, and noticed that it is usually a couple of weeks between messages in my inbox. No one that I know really uses it except me and that is mostly to keep these thing separate from our normal home email. I found an email from an author named Betsy Thompson from California. She tells me that she found my blog and noticed that I mention my favorite books and songs. She offers to send me her latest book and asks that I review it on my blog. The fact that she offered to send me her book (freely, I might add) was not what surprised me most. It opened much more. Up until this point, I know of a handful of people that might know that this blog exists and maybe even half of those have actually read it a time or two. That is just fine with me. I created this blog as a way for me to share a little of myself and hopefully encourage all of you (all 10 of you) to keep "following your heart." Yes, I realize that I have the blog posted so the entire world could see it if they wanted to. My surprise came when someone outside my circle no only found it and acknowledged it. The asking of me to read a book and give my two cents was the icing on the cake. I mean...who am I? A 42 year old woman, trying to figure out what she is doing with her life and how to enjoy this journey I am on. I am not going to analyze this new door or try to figure out where it leads. I guess I will see when I get there. Trying to make sense of this all just makes my head hurt anyway.

Monday, October 4, 2010

She came...

Today was the first morning after the committment of October 1st that my running partner and I would normally run. She told me she would come this morning and part of me was thinking she wouldn't. She doesn't have to - her obligation was over - and I have told her that whatever happens now is "whatever." I have been hurt in the past just when I start to let my guard down and let someone in. Then, something happens and I have learned I can no longer rely on that person - everything as I knew changed and I did not like it. Because of that history, it has been very difficult to let her in and not expect her to leave too. I would have understood why she didn't come and even though I would have been hurt and angry, I am familiar with what that feels like, so that would not have been new. I jumped out of bed at 4:45am, hoping that she would be there, but still not expecting her to be there. As I sat on my front porch, getting my iPod ready, I come across a song that makes me think of her. My hands are clasped as I say a quick prayer, as I feel the crispness of the morning layer of air that surrounds me. I get lost and just breathe for a few minutes. I need to quiet my heart and believe in her - I have to believe that I mean more to her than just someone to run with in the early part of the day. She has always believed in me...even when I did not see anything to believe in. I am so focused on trying to decide what to feel next that I don't realize that she has pulled into my driveway. She gets out of her car, I give her a big hug, and she asks, "What's wrong?" I simply reply, "You came." As easy as that was for her to be here this morning, that gesture told me all I needed to know (but maybe didn't want to believe until now). She has left her footprints on my heart that will never wash away and I am very grateful. Having her continue to want to be there and make that choice is something that is very new to me. Thanks, Rock, for all you are to make me who I am.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I shake my head in disbelief

Do you ever stop and think about some things and just wonder how you got there or here, which ever it may be? That you really cannot remember all of the things you did to get you to this exact moment in time? But then, when you look back, you know you took steps because there would be no way you would be there without taking those steps? That is me today, and on most days. We ran in the Race for the Cure today and it was chilly, but it was nice to see the sun out. I was susprised on how short 3 miles was, but very glad to be done, needless to say. The bigger picture for me is more than a morning run, but that is a part of it. The morning run has become a way of defining me, yet 5 months ago that was not even part of my vocabulary. As I reflect on the days I have had, none seem more important than the ones I have had over the last 9 months. I am encouraged by a friend who is listening to her heart and am so proud of her and excited for this new chance at fullfilling her destiny. She never knows how I talk about her with others and what she means to me. I thank God for her every day and I always find it funny when I explain how we met. She told me just recently that even her husband wonders how we could be such great friends in such a short amount of time. We simply cannot explain it. I am humbled when a friend is recognized for doing what she does to make her community better by fullfilling her destiny. I am grateful for a husband who supports me when I take time for me, which in turn makes me better for everyone else. Sometimes, just to catch my breath, I am in awe of it all. It seems so simple, yet also feels like it took forever to get here. I have learned patience and compassion, and love it all. I am pursuing an idea about sharing some of these ideas with others in a bigger venue, and hope it comes to life. In my mission statement, I say that I did not feel that I was worthy of more, and I think that still sticks with me sometimes. I have caught myself when I self-sabotage with a comment where I put myself down. I am thankful for so many things in my life, and more I have yet to treasure, and I think for so many years, I never told myself I deserved more. I told myself that I should be happy with what I had, since it was more than most people. I have been blessed in many ways, and am reminded to not lose sight of that. That is one reason why I shake my head in disbelief. Truth is that this is here and I am embracing all that it has to offer. Last week, someone saw me and yelled, "There's my inspiration." I never thought of myself that way. Thank you for continuing to believe in me. I believe in you...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Oct 1st - drum roll, please.

If any of you have been following along, then you will know why today is significant. Back in March, when my running partner asked me the most difficult question of what would I change about myself if I could change anything, and I answered I wanted to lose weight (originally 20 pounds then 30) by October 1st, never in my wildest dreams did I think this day would come. Many mornings, I pulled myself out of bed at 5am knowing she would be at my house. You have all read about how she would tell me when it was ok to stop and how she can't count to 10, with her "10 more steps" bit. Though I only run with her twice a week, somehow from somewhere, I found the desire and dedication to be a runner. I cannot explain where it came from. Never did I think I would be successful or fail at this goal, I just let it happen. This past week, I have been very aprehensive about our friendship ending because this goal is over and this is how we started to be friends. The weather is turning colder and my fear is that so would our friendship. She has become much more than a running partner to me, and she knows it, too. I believe I have become much more to her as well. I know that whether she was running beside me or not, she always believed in me. Even if I did not meet my weight loss goal, she would still believe in me. I have decided that I will continue to run as much as possible during the winter, and if need be, use my elliptical to keep in shape. I still have some weight to lose to be really be happy with the way I look, but this is a good start. Ok...here is the end result...as of this morning, I stepped on the scale and it was awesome. I had lost the 30 pounds plus a little more!!! Thank you for your support. Maybe I have motivated some of you to find that one thing you want to change about yourself and work towards that goal. Work hard...don't give up...believe you can. Have a wonderful weekend.