Love is...

Love is deep... Love is forgiveness... Love is holding on... Love is being there... Love is not keeping score... Love is honest... Love is saying what you need to say... Love is no regrets... Love is letting go of the past... Love is a smile... Love is faith... Love is acceptance... Love is trust... Love is a hug... Love is A & E... Love is difficult... Love is giving... Love is apologizing... Love is patient... Love is listening... Love is getting through... Love is strong... Love is life... Love is a CHOICE.

The Right Track

"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Dr. Wayne Dyer. Let's assume for just a moment that you are on the right track. You know where you are headed and seem to have it all figured out. But, you do nothing. You just sit there. Wondering what happens next. I know I must sound like a broken record, but hearing it over and over may make it sink in. YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!! Please do not fret, either. Some of you may thinking, "How do I know if I am on the right track?" or "What happens if I'm on the wrong track?" You can still make changes and figure it out as you move along. That is "embracing the jouorney." You will learn many things as you travel along the track you are on, and what you learn may not be anything like what you thought you would learn. Just sayin. You cannot just think and believe that your dreams will come true because you think they will or want them to. Wouldn't that be nice? Just wish for something, and it happens like magic? Sorry, the real world does not work that way. You have to work hard and put everything into it so that it will be successful. Let me get back to a question I had already mentioned in this post..."How do you know if you are on the right track?" You just know. You feel it. It becomes something that you are willing to devote your entire life to as you put your hands up and ride. You have to commit to something and if it is wrong, you will know it. But you have to learn that it is wrong so you don't have any questions. So, that door closes. Move on to the next one. Keep knocking on each one until the right one opens. When it does, you will see the right track in front of you. Trust it.

Faith and Love

I have not been feeling these two lately, but today they came with Trust and Acceptance. It is hard to admit when things are not as we would wish them to be, but nothing can really change the situation. I was reminded of this when my youngest son was frustrated last week because he was told by the doctor that he was still going to have to be on his crutch for 6 more weeks. Our son seems to think that since he is better now that the quoted 6-9 month recovery was a mistake because it has only been not even 2 months since his injury. Therefore, I told him to change his attitude because the situation wasn't going to change, but reminded him that his attitude needed to change. UGH! I hate it when words I say to others come back to haunt me. I have been fighting change and feeling selfish about how to handle it. Today, I found faith and felt love in the same situation. I continue to reach, but get frustrated when the street seems very one-sided. I get that too, but it doesn't make it easy. But faith is strong and deep. Love doesn't run and love doesn't hide. Faith is believing in something you cannot hold, something you cannot see, and something you cannot want. Faith is found in the deepest part of your soul that it is something you trust. Above all else, you almost succomb to it. Then, after all of that, you feel the love. You remember moments that take you back to the "Greatest Day" and keep those close because that is all you have. You are blanketed with the warmth of the hug last given, with the joy of the smile last received, with the anticipation on the next such hugs and smiles. Even in the silence and absence, you begin to accept and trust the new reality that is before you. Because there is no other choice but to run. And running is easy.

Irony

Irony is a funny thing. For example, growing up I never thought I would leave the state of California, yet the more I have lived here in Nebraska, the more I never want to live in California again. Nebraska has become my home, although I will always say I am from the "OC" before the "OC was the OC". Remember, I could not tell you where Nebraska was on the map. I was thinking about a different kind of irony today, though. I was remembering how many times I wanted to run from someone else because the thought of her and what she could be to me terrified me. I was nervous about it all, having one step inside the door and the other outside, just in case I needed to bolt in a hurry. In fact, I was prepared to bolt, certain that the need would come. It was easy to run...without realizing I had done it my entire life, I knew it would come again. It was sure to, right? Then, when things got turned upside down, the last thing I wanted to do was run; I was ready to put both feet inside the door. There were times when I wasn't ready to fully commit and tried to disappear from it as quickly as I could, hoping that any damage done would be minimal. Not for her, but for me. I had done that for so many years. But then, when a choice was made that I had no control over making, I was ready to be here; I was ready to be in it for the long haul. Maybe it was because something I had longed for and always believed to be out of my realm, was right in front of me. Even though it was there, and I could see it and feel it, I discounted it as being my imagination. After all, this just doesn't happen to me. I mean, when I had it in my hands, I was more afraid of having it and yet when I no longer had it, I wanted it so much it hurt. Have you had irony come to you in ways you never thought it would? Where feelings take you places you never thought you would go? Even after it was said and done and another choice was made (another one out of my control), I was now hesitant. I questioned it again, even more so than I did before. It was difficult for me to stay again. Is it ironic when you change something that affects the outcome of something else, never realizing that it would have that effect? Things change, but change does not mean bad...it just means different. When we doubt and wonder, we have but one thing and one thing only that keeps us grounded and reminds us of the truth...our heart. It is not easy to stay, but things happen as they are meant to and we do all we can to link things and see the irony that must have two parts. There can be no irony with just one piece of the puzzle. Just like there can be no catch-22 with one dilema. Irony exists where we think it won't and its significance will show itself at some time, when we least expect it, and only when we look back. Here is the irony to the this post...even though I know you live where no one else can see, have no doubts that you are there, and am reminded of what I trust, I still miss you. Every day.

In your heart

That is where I find peace and calmness amidst the craziness of life. I also find comfort, love, and joy. When I doubt, I look there too for the confidence I need to muster again. It solidifies everything I believe to be honorable and true. It grounds me when I wonder if what I am doing is making any kind of difference. When I am unsure of what to do next, I listen to my heart. It reminds me of the faith I have in the message I bring, in the people that cherish me, and when I question it all. My heart brings tears when I never thought it would, as the meaning of those simple words come to the surface as I type them. It brings me solace knowing that whatever comes my way, I can handle it and is there for a reason. My bestest memories are stored there and can make me smile or giggle for no other reason other than I go back to that moment in time and remember. My heart is overflowing with emotion, even this morning. Not really sure why, but it is here. I just know that I am very grateful to be exactly where I am right now. This is where I need to be...my heart tells me so.

I LOVE my life!

I know that seems like a given, but I am not sure I could've said it a few years ago and really meant it. Sure, there are things that don't go my way or I wish were different, but I love where I am and where I see myself going. I have NEVER been so confident about things that are happening and just are than I am right now. NEVER. Maybe it was because I just showed up when life showed up, and that is all I thought it ever took. Truth is, you get what you put into it. I didn't put very much into it before and I saw the results. It frustrates me now as I look back on it and I could carry a ton of regrets. But that gets me no where and keeps me there. I was never sure of what "I brought to the table" so I wasn't going to be sharing that with too many people. Ok...maybe no one. I had a lot of walls up. Did I say a lot? Ok, just checking. Even my family has never seen me like this until now. I kept it hidden from the people that mean the most to me, until some time in January 2010 when something happened. I began to WANT to live my life and share it with everyone. And not just want to live my life but decide how I lived it. Then, something completely unexpected changed my life forever. Someone new came into my life and I had to trust her - like I had NEVER trusted anyone before. Boy, was I afraid. Lots of times. And she knew it. Slowly, I put the walls down and, little by little, shared with her who I am. The simple, unconditional gesture of her givng me her heart encouraged me to entrust her with mine. I have more people that truly care about me because I have allowed them to care than I ever did before. It has not always been easy, because I never thought anyone did. I never did that before. My life is crazy at times with work, family, schedules, bills to pay, friends, and this as well. But I have never been more grounded than I am right now. There are days when I want to throw in the towel because I think it is too much. But nothing makes me more focused than when I have lots to do and not any more than the 24 hours that we have to do it in. I guess I had better find time to sleep in there, too. Let me ask you something...do you LOVE your life? What do what to change in it? Maybe everything is going really GROOVY right now, and you're not sure how it can be any better. Guess what? It can ALWAYS be better!! I wish there was a "shaking head in disbelief" way to tell you that I couldn't pick to be here, but I have to be here. This is part of my journey. And I have to say, I LOVE it. It is not perfect. It brings much more joy than I ever could've imagined and continues to amaze me. Every day is not the same as the previous one and yet I have learned to treasure each one as they go by way so fast. If you are one of those that said you don't love your life, what are you doing to do to change it? You too can love your life but you have to have the right attitude and then put forth the effort. It will not just happen. It is a choice you make. So...what are you going to do? Live your life and love it or sit on the porch and watch it go by? "You will never change your life until you change your choices." I have made my decision. Now is the time for you...CHOOSE!!

Reassurance

Who doesn't need this from time to time? I needed that today. I am unsure if I can even pinpoint big enough grounds for my desire to have it. For whatever reason, I am not even sure that I got it. Reassurance can mean so many things and be given in so many ways. From across the room, a wink can tell you, "I see you and acknowledge you." A smile can say, " I am happy to see you and am glad that you are here". Music can make my heart be calm and my head stop spinning and remind me that everything will be ok. Accomplishing a goal, whether big or small, short or long term, can verify that you did it. Long lost friends can reconnect after a lengthy separation with a simple hug that says, "I missed you." Reassurance can provide comfort when chaos seems to be what surrounds you. You can rest. You can gather your thoughts and regroup. People astound me when they give freely of their faith and hope that everything will simply be ok. And they truly believe it! When turmoil and confusion finds us...and it does find us...when need reassurance. We need to know that someone is there to support us at exactly that time - when it all seems to be falling apart. When we are not sure what end is up and how to right ourselves is when we need to rely on others so that we can get back up. Just as a warm, soft blanket covers you in comfort, so does the reassurance that comes when someone holds your hand when you are afraid. It tells you that you are not alone. That someone is right beside you, ready when you are to take on what else the world is dishing out today. There are days when we need more reassurance than others, for whatever reason. We have to trust that those that care about us and let them care about us...drop everything in the middle of the night and talk to us kind of care or run us to the emergency room against our will kind of care...do those things not just for us when we need it. They do it for themselves as well. They need reassurance that we are ok. That we are well. That we will be there tomorrow. It calms their heart and stops their heads from spinning. Taking a deep breath will reassure me that taking that moment to slow down and think for just a small amount of time will trigger peace and once again, I can take on the world. Maybe you count on certain people for your reassurance or maybe my random ramblings do the same for you as it does for me. It reminds me that I am human and times get tough at times. But I am tougher. Find comfort in words, actions, and melodies. They are there for that sole purpose. Let them in. I have been reassured tonight as I write this very post. Have you? I hope so. Have a great night.

Taking Chances

I thought this past week was going to be like any other week. Boy, was I wrong in so many ways. First, on Valentine's Day, Rocky shows up after a long sabatical, a kid threatens to hurt me, and I get selected to serve on a 3-day jury trial. The biggest event was when Rocky came back into my life so unexpectedly. Every day was a reminder of her. Her mom helps to watch over jury trials, so I spent three days with her mom and every time I looked at her, I thought of Rocky. There was even a juror with her same first name. Here I am surrounded by her mom, hearing her name, and yet so detached from her. Friday night, I came home and wrote a 4 page letter, trying to explain to Rocky where I was and where I wanted to be. In the letter, I mention several times that I may never give her this letter, but also needed to be very honest and tell her what I was thinking and feeling. I decided to completely and unconditionally forgive her. I cannot forgive her if I keep the walls up and we both agreed that neither of us wanted that for our future, not really knowing what that meant. I had texted her on Thursday night and told her that I felt the walls going up. I think she understood. On Saturday, I get a text from her that she is at the library and was curious what I was doing with my weekend. I wasn't doing anything since my guys were out of the house, so I went to see her. It was almost automatic when I left my house, like I didn't even think twice or hesitate about where we were. I had to go and I took the letter with me along with a card I made for her that I had never mailed. As we sit in one of the back rooms, I take out the letter and read it to her, not knowing how she is going to take it, but I needed her to hear it from me. It was very liberating and revealing and I was grateful that I wasn't keeping it from her. In order for us to move forward, we cannot have walls and I told her last night that the past is the past. We talked for three hours yesterday and then traded texts later last night. I think we both came to the conclusion that we are even better now than we were before all of this happened, even though it was hard and we both hurt. She decided that she needs to forgive herself for hurting me and I think she is on that track. We both took risks this past week to fight for something we both want and we trusted that even though it was painful, it was real. Through this all, we have both decided to take more risks with other things in our life that inspire us and make us happy. I have put my dream on hold, not feeling like I could inspire someone else when I did not feel inspired. I realized that I cannot play it safe and have to take risks if I want anything to change, even if that means I don't succeed. I have to try. I have to give it my all and lay it all out there. Are you doing that in your life? Are you willing to do that in your life? "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." Take risks to change whatever you want to change - you can.

She came...

Today was the first morning after the committment of October 1st that my running partner and I would normally run. She told me she would come this morning and part of me was thinking she wouldn't. She doesn't have to - her obligation was over - and I have told her that whatever happens now is "whatever." I have been hurt in the past just when I start to let my guard down and let someone in. Then, something happens and I have learned I can no longer rely on that person - everything as I knew changed and I did not like it. Because of that history, it has been very difficult to let her in and not expect her to leave too. I would have understood why she didn't come and even though I would have been hurt and angry, I am familiar with what that feels like, so that would not have been new. I jumped out of bed at 4:45am, hoping that she would be there, but still not expecting her to be there. As I sat on my front porch, getting my iPod ready, I come across a song that makes me think of her. My hands are clasped as I say a quick prayer, as I feel the crispness of the morning layer of air that surrounds me. I get lost and just breathe for a few minutes. I need to quiet my heart and believe in her - I have to believe that I mean more to her than just someone to run with in the early part of the day. She has always believed in me...even when I did not see anything to believe in. I am so focused on trying to decide what to feel next that I don't realize that she has pulled into my driveway. She gets out of her car, I give her a big hug, and she asks, "What's wrong?" I simply reply, "You came." As easy as that was for her to be here this morning, that gesture told me all I needed to know (but maybe didn't want to believe until now). She has left her footprints on my heart that will never wash away and I am very grateful. Having her continue to want to be there and make that choice is something that is very new to me. Thanks, Rock, for all you are to make me who I am.

Do you live in a vault?

I did...for too many years. That word was brought up in conversation yesterday as I shared lunch with two gals from work. Our paths do not cross but for every once in a while, and not on a regular basis and certainly not long enough to get past the polite, "How are you?" "Good." "Talk to you later" bits of conversation that have occured in the past. Now back to the vault - it was mentioned that what was said between us is like a vault. Today, that has me thinking...the purpose of a vault is to keep things safe, to be used when needed, but mostly to keep unwanted things and people out. How many banks do you see with the vault sitting wide open? None! Sometimes, it can be difficult for us to show our true colors and as I shared this journey I have been on with these friends yesterday, I am sure that at least one of them was surprised by how her perception of me was different than how I truly am. I know I have lived too long in a vault. Savings things for a rainy day, not even really hoping that that day would come. By doing so, I could control who came into my vault and how far they would be allowed to come. Since I have let me guard down and have really started to let myself be who I am, I have been rewarded ten times over. These two ladies are no exception - there are several people at work (primarily) that have been willing to share more of themselves as I share more of myself. My true self. The vault will always be there, but be willing to open the door more than just when you need it. Open it more than just a crack. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and really be engaged in your life. Living your life is not a passive term - it is active, continuous, and changing. Have a wonderful weekend!