Today

Have you seen it? Really seen it? Then if you have seen it, have you been so there that you felt the same as they did? I did today. I saw true happiness and joy and elation. Nothing was going to stop her. ABSOLUTELY nothing. She was on cloud 9 and I was right along side her. I got to give a great friend a HUGE hug when she told me she did it. She took a giant leap and changed her life forever by choosing to let go of her past and look forward towards her future. A future I am not sure she believed she had, even a few years ago. She was going through the motions and existing. Today, she was thriving and living. No regrets about what has been done and no guarantees. I LOVE IT!!!! I have never seen her so excited, even though she said she thought was going to be sick while she made her announcement. But she did it. I am so proud of HER. I found myself getting smiles when I thought about it during the day. I could not help it. Still can't as I type this post. Today is her day. Today is the day she actively chose to act on her dreams and passions and is steps closer to making them a reality. Not baby steps, either. Giant leaps. Even one at a time moves you. She took a chance today and is definetely moving forward in a direction that she might not have ever thought she would take. Many years wasted on settling for what is instead of what could be had taken its toll on her and those that care about her. But not today. Today, she was not going to be denied. Today, I saw a her bloom like I have never seen before. I am grateful to her for sharing it with me as I would have never forgiven myself for not being there. Actually, if I had to compare, she might have shined brighter than the sun. It takes my breath away even now. You may wonder if you have seen this type of "light" before when someone you love changes their life forever. But understand this...it will not be mistaken for anything else because you will know it when you see it. And today, I saw it.

Going where we never thought we would go

Today is a HUGE day for a very dear friend. She is going somewhere she has never been as she chooses to change her life. She cannot see what tomorrow will tell her, nor does she know what the next day after will bring. But she has faith - in her passion and in her abilities. I admire her commitment and dedication to following this through and loved seeing that she was definetely showing her MOXIE today. Seeing her smile today and how happy she was got me thinking this morning. I remember how far we have come, in a short amount of time, and then remembered about how I was feeling yesterday about having to do something I was extremely nervous about. I have gone places, done things, and thought things I never would have gone, done, or thought ever. But I did. I am constantly changing my perspective on new experiences, different attitudes, and welcoming challenges. "To get what you never had, you have to do something you never did." If you want different, choose different. Even if you feel like it will break you. Even if you feel like you are not strong enough. Someone once told me that she never had the strength or courage until I came into her life. I told her she had always had both - I just gave her permission to use them. Because I believed in her (still do!). It simply dumbfounds me how much we can be capable of when we have someone say, "I believe in you." It empowers you and inspires you to be so much more than what is before you now. It is so important for our children to hear these words and know that you are there for them. It is also important for us to hear them and believe them. And know that you may be in situations where you can repay that favor. I was visiting with a baseball mom over the weekend who mentions to me about another possible venue I should maybe tap into because it is needed. It certainly peaked my interest and has me thinking. Maybe that is someplace I need to go. I am humbled when you still read these posts and hopefully find something good from them. Where is that you want to go? It can feel like you are in a tug-of-war when you are one place and your heart is telling you to be somewhere else. I am there. Not sure of what to do or even how to do it. I have to have the same faith my friend does and go where I never thought I would go. I will find it, and when I do, you will know it. It will be much, much bigger than this blog. Go where you have not been. Go where you never thought you would go - it could change your life forever. Today, for my friend, changing her life Starts Today.

Are you ready for the unexpected?

Well, are you? Even the best planner cannot think of everything. They just can't. You and I both know it. So, how can you be ready for the unexpected? When you don't expect anything, anything can happen. Don't be so uptight - don't feel like you have to have control - don't wonder what's going to happen next. Live in the moment, whatever moment that happens to be in front of you at THAT moment! I know, I know. You are all saying, "Are you telling us this or yourself?" A little of both. I can practice what I preach when I preach it. If I say it out loud, it becomes more real. Someone taught me that. I re-read these posts because I have to to make sure that I am still on track. The unexpected can blind-side you, make you take a step back, or catch your breath. Sometimes, the unexpected is a good thing - where chance meetings and casual conversations turn into life changing events that might not have ever happened. Other times, the unexpected is not so good. But even with those things that occur that we don't want, we have to understand that even those events have a purpose. We cannot plan for those people that come into or leave our lives or those events that shape our lives going forward. There are always going to be times when you will always remember where you were when something that changed the world happened. Our country was not ready for the unexpected events that took place on September 11, 2001. Welcome and allow those good and wonderful things that happen. Appreciate the joy and happiness that they will bring you. Be open to and choose to be happy when things don't maybe go the way you thought they would. Maybe they happened as they were meant to.

S.E.L.T.

Many, many thoughts come to me when I am out at 5am and as I sit here in a hotel room ready to go to a son's baseball game, I try to remember all (or maybe just a few)of those thoughts so I can share them with you. At an earlier game, I found myself telling the story of this journey to another parent. I apologized to her about having her hear maybe more than she wanted to, but she seemed appreciative and listened. Thanks, SM. Yesterday, I was thinking about S.E.L.T. - These are the stages I have gone through in my life and think I am at L. wanting to get to T. S stands for "surviving". When I was younger, I was in survival mode, taking care of myself, doing what needed to get done. Stay out of other's way, and slide under the radar if I could. Just get, through. E stands for "existing" - where I was on auto-pilot and did what needed to be done. Follow the same rules everyone else created because that's the norm. Then, last year, I got to L - "living". I started living my life. I stopped thinking and started really being involved in my life, taking ownership of it and wanting more of it. I only have one life to live and I have to give it all I have - with no regrets. T stands for "thriving". Not to say I am not thriving now, but when my passion becomes my reality, then I will get to T. I will have come full circle and will have come from the less than desired childhood, to kind of just going through the motions, to finally surrending it all to everything I have and all that I am. I cannot got back to S. and E. I have to go forward and be better each day. As long as I am living my life the way it is meant to be lived, then the T will come. I still share my story, my journey, my dreams. One day, it will be different and I will keep doing what comes naturally to me and following my heart. I know I am probably repeating myself and rambling. Get to L - skip S and E if you can. Know that you can. You are meant to LIVE.

How music affects me

I was walking yesterday morning thinking about the music I was listening to as I welcomed the beautiful new spring morning. As I looked through the songs on myu iPod, I realized that sometimes I skip over some songs I am not in the mood to hear or reply those songs I really need to listen more than once. There is a wide genre - and it does different things to me and affects me in different ways. Normally, when we run, I can listen to just about anything, but Rocky needs to listen to (what else) "Rocky". I enjoy a little funky, 70's music that takes me back to my innocent, childhood days where the world was so easy. A little ABBA, Earth, Wind, and Fire, Donna Summer - it's all good. I also have almost the entire collection of Beatles, Elton John, Billy Joel, Cher, and Beach Boys songs as well. What can I say about the Beatles? All of the others have greatest hits albums, so I like those as well. Then, we have the 80's which includes a little bit of pop and rock-n-roll - (can you say Joan Jett?) - with some Michael Jackson, Wham!, Prince, etc. Since I live in Nebraska (still a California girl at heart, though), I gotta have a little country on there as well. So simple, so heart-felt. Nothing like a little bit of "Chicken Fried", Taylor Swift, and Kenny Chesney. Then there are the songs you just love to hear - they make you cry, they make you feel better about your life, they give you hope. Most are sung by Christian artists, but some are modern and make you want to reach for the stars. Without a doubt, some of my favorites are the ones you have to sing out loud - the ones that make you move and dance, and shake whatever it is you have. I call these songs, "Just for fun" and are a wide mix of current hits, hip hop, and whatever I can find. Of course, "Sweet Caroline" and "Dancing Queen" are on that list. I guess why I decided to share this with you is that we all have different parts of our lives that help us remember our past and forgotten memories and others makes us happy and others help us get through the difficult times. Music is universal - regardless of where we live or what language we speak. It speaks to us and allows us the freedom to get through another day or to celebrate one as well. Remember your loved ones on this Memorial Day weekend. Be safe, be smart, and be you. Let the music guide you and replenish you.

Strong enough?

Have you ever had to be strong, but not sure you were? Have you ever felt like you needed to tell someone something that you were so afraid to tell them? Either because you were afraid you would hurt them or you were afraid that their opinion of you would change? How many hands went up? Mine did. When I let the walls down, I still have strength, but it is harder to find. When the walls are up, I see how strong they are and how they can protect me. But how can you be strong when you feel like there is nothing there that will keep you safe? Your armor and shield are laid at your feet, and you stand alone. I recently told someone that I wasn't strong enough regarding a particular situation. Honestly, I really don't think I am. The reply I received was very surprising, yet I knew she meant it the moment I heard it. She told me, "I can be strong enough for the two of us." Today, I heard a song with that same message and it reminded me of this conversation from two weeks ago. Sometimes, we have to be strong enough for two of us because the other is weak and fragile and scared. I actually feel great strength when I have to be strong for someone else, when they need me. When we are forced to face our fears and conquer them, we become stronger. We learn about what we can and can't do. Ultimately, we are in control of whether or not we are strong enough. We do not realize what makes us stronger until we are faced with obstacles and turmoil. When do you feel stronger? I feel it when I am of service to others, giving my heart and soul away, almost naturally. Without thinking. Without practice. When the time comes when someone you love tells you that they are not strong enough, be strong enough for the two of you. Then, when you need them, they will be strong for you. It will come when you least expect it, when you think you can't, when you aren't sure of anything. But you will be strong enough. You will find the courage to say what needs to be said and still loved regardless of past actions. You have to believe that it is better to have courage to go there than to be afraid for never tried. Even when it is hard, even when you are begging on your knees, even when you aren't even sure why the tears come. Be strong enough. Fight through your fears, swallow your pride, and give it all you have. Actually, you have more than you know. Because really, there is someone else standing next to you being strong enough for the two of you.

When you just can't win

It isn't even about winning, but I am not sure of the right word. Have you ever had those moments when you do what you think is right and then for whatever reason, the rules change so it doesn't matter what you did in the first place? I know it sounds silly, but don't you want to just throw your hands up and say, "Whatever." It doesn't matter what I say, what I do, what my intention was. It is not enough and I don't know why. The rules keep changing. I remember having a boss who once told me that I would get promoted if I met these three criteria, which I did. Of course, when I brought that to her attention, she added a fourth. This went on for sometime, but got me very frustrated to where I could never win. It was never good enough. I am not one to toot my own horn, even when others have lined up to do it for me. It makes me think of trying to empty a boat with holes in it with a spoon. Maybe I never sink, but I never make any headway, either. These are the days when I question if it matters. Sometimes battles are not meant to be fought, but I will be the first one to tell you that if you are going to fight, make sure it is worth fighting for. Sometimes, people will tell me, "No" and I interpret that as "No, not right now." It is a way for me to keep trying and find a way to make it work. I do not believe that I have all the answers and nor do I believe that my answers are right. But at least I am willing to ask the questions. Maybe we can find the answers together. It's about being consistent and the rules remaining the same. "Frustration should create action, not make you want to give up." I know things are always changing, but really? I must look like a car chasing my tail half the time. How many of you have ever felt like you are going around in cirlces, heading in no direction? And when you try to make sense of it all, something out of nowhere gets you. We will be ok, as long as we are in it together. Have a Wonderful Wednesday!

Do it for me

We all do things for other people because of responsibility or obligation. This morning as I was out for my (wonderful) morning run, I was reminded of something I said to my husband just over a year ago when I got up to run for the first time without Rocky. I told him, "I cannot do it for her. I have to do it for me." I have been blessed with some new adventures that are coming my way and regardless of what comes of it, I will be able to say, "I did it for me." There are some circumstances where we must do something or be somewhere because it is the right thing to do or because we told someone we would. But we cannot live our lives like that all of the time. When we say "Yes" to everyone else except ourselves then we are setting ourselves up for resentment and bitterness. We have to remember to do things for ourselves also, but not in a selfish manner. People come to me to find out how I lost the weight, what diet am I on, etc. Even though they have seen my success and may feel inspired to make changes in their lives, I did not do it for that reason. I did it for me. I did not do it for my husband, family, or friends. I did it for me. I share my life with you because that is what I do, but I do it for me. I write in a journal just about every day for me. I am following my heart and listening to it for the first time ever and whatever happens, happens. I am pursuing other ways of sharing my perspective on life and what changes we all can make in it, even though we all have "baggage" and a past that goes along with it. I am doing it for me. Search your soul...dig real deep if you need to...and find one thing that you can do for you. I never thought that by changing my life I could change others as well. But it started with me "doing it for me."

When you just "know"

Have you ever been in a situation when you are surrounded by feelings of doubt and you question everything you have been taught and all that you believe to be true? We all have those moments. Have any of you seen "The Matrix"? Its premise is that the world as the the people in the movie know it, is a lie. They merely exist in a computer program and that nothing is real. Neo, the main character played by Keannu Reeves, has come to the attention of the resistance of the Matrix, and is told he is the "One". But Neo doesn't believe them; in fact, for the majority of the movie he keeps telling people his name is Mr. Anderson, not Neo. Neo means "new". The resistence still shows him things as agents keep trying to kill Neo because if he lives, the Matrix could be destroyed. But my absolute favorite part of the movie is near the end (who's isn't) when Neo accepts his name and starts to believe in his destiny. He starts to defend himself against the agents, almost effortlessly without trying very hard at all. Are you there yet? Have you been confronted with something that you are not sure how to take it so it questions all that you are at that point? I have been a thinker my whole life (and still am to an extent), but I have come to a point in my life when I just "know" what I need to do next. I know, beyond doubt, that my life needs to change and if by chance I happen to change others' lives along the way, then that is how it is meant to be. I know what I have to do and have been told that when I am "doing my thing" that it is neat to watch. I don't even realize I am doing it. I do it without thinking, without any real effort, without hesitation. I do it because I am meant to do it and am following my destiny. "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." Are you in the "know" and if you are, have you started walking your path?

Going with the flow

Sometimes, that is what you have to do. Go with the flow. I need to better at this and am working on it. I still try to control the situation and environment, and when it does not go the way I want it to, then I freak out. Yeah, even allowing a new haircut to be fun can totally throw me off - really. It is not pretty. And then, a little voice, says one word to remind me to let it go. "Attitude". That is all that is said. Today, I went to a suprise anniversary party for my neighbors who have been married for 25 years. Isn't that awesome? I knew the guests of honor and actually saw someone I know from work, so I hung out at her table with her husband and their friends. Not sure what her husband thinks of me, but I had fun being me. One gal was saying how she did not like Kahlua coffee that Krieg makes because it tasted too watery. I told her to add Kahlua and it might taste better. Maybe not the right thing to say at a table of deacons, but I had fun. I was in a situation that I needed to be in, knew very few people, and had a good time "going with the flow". Do you do that? No expectations and just letting things happen are best. I am always going to be a work in progress and know you are too. We are always learning, if not then we become stagnant and rot. We need to be fresh, alive, and in awe of what is before us. I had a couple of exciting encounters this week and we will see where those lead, but I am certainly moving forward, even if with baby steps. Not sure where tomorrow will lead me, but I am going to "embrace the journey" and go with the flow. You can too.

Some situations are just difficult

I know this seems redundant, but I seem to be in more situations that make me feel uncomfortable and then I turn into something I am not. Fear kicks in and then I regret later. Point is that I do not like attention on me - it can be on my sons or something I am talking about, but not me. Even though the attention is good, I just don't like the fuss. Just let me quietly sneak out the back door and let it be over. I am good with that. Even when I was younger and attention came my way, I didn't like it. There is a picture of me when I was in 9th grade where I am accepting one of many awards that day, but you would think that I was going to jail based on my facial expression. Accolades and nice compliments should make me happy, but for some reason, I want to run from them as fast as I can. In my job, some people believe that because I am out in the community and meeting new people that I am someone that thrives on that kind of attention. Truth is, I would much rather do something anonomously than ever receive a hint of credit. I am a giver by nature and do not receive well. Recently, I have been called the "b" word - no it is not what you think. "Beautiful" is what has been mentioned to me over the course of a couple of weeks, and I would never in a million years use that word as a way to describe me. There are many other ways to describe me, but as this online journal seems to be taking on a life of its own, I have to be ready to go into unchartered waters. I have to swallow hard and "embrace the journey" that is before me. I love being me now that I let the world see it, but just wish people wouldn't notice, that's all. How is that for a conundrum? If I can find a way to get over this, and accept (maybe not welcome - that might be a stretch right now) whatever attention comes my way, then that will be big. The most important step we ever take is the first one. Have a fantabulous Friday!

An Army of One

Do you know what you can do as an army of one? We show how strong we are when we are willing to stand alone. We know it may be temporary, but who hasn't had that experience when you are in a group of people and you know that no one, no one, wants to be the first one to say or do something. But isn't it amazing how many people will follow suit after someone else has broken the ice for them? It makes it easier to follow when someone else has already paved the way for you. "Conformity is only popular when it is the majority." Someone has to take the first step in order for there to be a second and so forth. I have no familiarity with the military, but I know what it means to go into battle. I know what it feels like when you think you are alone and no one will come to help or stand beside you. A brigade is a fleet of personnel that will assist you and that is what we are here to do for you. Right now, I feel like an Army of One. I question my strength, but never, ever do I question my committment to doing what my heart tells me to. I told a young lady last night that I was pursuing a new adventure and told her mom and they both were very excited about it. I will have some upcoming meetings that may take that new adventure to places I have never been. As much as I am nervous about this new journey, I have to try. I have to give it my everything. Are you willing to stick your neck out there and try something you always wanted to, but haven't? It begins with one dream, followed by the passion fueling that dream, then one question, and then one step closer to making that dream a reality. It starts with you...everyday...to change the world, if even your world. Sometimes people notice when you change, and other times they don't. But you notice. This started as an Army of One, but over the last 16 months has become something that has grown in ways I never imagined. Someone very dear to me gave me a book that she inscribed, "I hope 2011 brings you all you have ever dreamed of and more than you could ever imagine." So far, this year has been more than that and we are not even to June. Start your own army. Remember, It Starts Today.

You have your own GPS - use it!

I was thinking about this today and have not even been home for 15 minutes before I had to get on and tell you what crazy stuff was rolling around in my head again. I know it must just make you think all kinds of weird stuff, but I am going to say it anyway. How many of us have wanted to try something, but were afraid to? How many of us allowed others views interfere or distract us from trying? Are your hands still up? I had lunch with someone from work that I don't normally work with, and I don't know her very well either. We had a nice visit and ate way too much (ok, maybe that was just me) and expect to do lunch again. I went with no expectations and told L that I was just being me. Why can't we throw caution to the wind sometimes and follow the course our hearts are leading us towards? We have our own internal GPS and yet we are constantly trying to develop our own way of getting where we need to go. I don't think society ever heard of the word, "recalculating" until GPS devices became so mainstream. That is what we do all the time - we recalculate and try to steer off of the course already planned for us. You know it and I know it. Even if you fail, you will learn what not to do next time. Even if you have to make adjustments, you will have learned something. Men are so visual and have to have the path very clear so they know what direction to turn and when. We all know they won't ask for directions, because they have their own GPS (outdated maps and out of date technology is a bad thing). Men still care what it looks like to others if they ask for help. Us women have no problem asking for it, because we do not have the time to be wasting trying to figure it out. When we follow our GPS and do what it is guiding us to do, we need to believe it and so do those around us. They cannot question it, no can we always explain it. We just trust it and have faith in it. Regardless of what happens after we decide to take a chance on following our heart, we will not regret leaping on our faith. We have to live with no regrets, with being "all in", showing our "moxie" and doing our thing. Our lives and hearts will NEVER be full and satisfied until we do. If it takes all day and night to convince someone to believe in all that you are and all that you are meant to be, then you spend all day and night. Keep reaching for more, to be more, to make the world better because you are in it. You have to try and even though it may not work out the way you thought it might, it may just work out even better than you expected. Embrace the journey that you have been given to travel and share your knowledge, your heart, your smile, and all that makes you "you" with everyone. Take the chance to lay it all out there - believing that you don't care what happens next. You are not going to remember what happened yesterday; you are going to focus on today. Your GPS is always with you, never needs upgrading, or a change of batteries. It lies deep within your soul and once you tap into it, it can never be turned off and silenced. Trust it.

Opposites that work

Rock and I work, for whatever reason. We just do. And we know it. How many things in your life do you see that there cannot be a connection between two people or things but they compliment each other so well, that they are better together than they were without each other. That's us. It is like two pieces in the puzzle - they are different pieces with different shapes and colors, yet they fit together perfectly. What do you have in your life that compliments each other? Do you see how they can work together and make you better than you were without them? I have realized this week that I am better at being me when I stop trying to be who everyone else wants me to be. I cannot do it any longer. I received an email the other day from a colleague who I shared my blog with who really seemed to be looking for something as she might have some struggles in her personal life. KD - keep asking the questions and the answers will come. Believe that they will. It will work - have patience, work at it even when you think you can't. Opposites work because they are not competing against each other. They compliment each other. Sometimes what we look for is not what we see. There is a balance when you have two things that are opposites, and therefore one can never be higher or more important than the other. They are equal. Rock and I have things in common - like getting up early and walking/running; being goofy and laughing out loud; and being able to snap our fingers only with our left hand. The way we work is when we can be thinking the same thing about something just said and we never have to say a word about it (kitty). We work because we will always be there for each other and care more about the other one than we do ourselves. I am better because of her and I know she is better because of me. Things that just "are" that never really have to work hard at "being" are always the best. Guess that is us, because we just work. Don't you think so?

Are you listening?

Are you listening? Not just pretending to hear, but really listen? When we take time to quiet all of the other voices going on around us, and listen to what our hearts are trying to tell us? We have to make that time. HAVE TO! We all are busy in our daily lives, with kids, spouses, work, other responsibilities, etc. It seems like it never ends. I know time is my biggest enemy. I need more of it or need to use it more wisely to accomplish more. I really am trying to listen because there seems to be signs and occurances that seem to be trying to get my attention. I have to listen to whatever is being shared with me. Some times our plans do not seem to serve those we are meant to serve in our life. I am meant to serve others with my ramblings here and in person. I don't hear what I say when I am talking to others but have been told after the fact that it was neat to watch. I have never seen it and I am such a hard critic of myself, that maybe me watching it would not be a good idea. Listen to those that seek you out - they are coming to you for advice or help. Be willing to share what you have with them. They will always remember that. Listen to what is not said - sometimes we learn more from a touch, from a smile, from a kind gesture. It costs you nothing and you may have just made someone's day by saying, "hello". Listen to your heart - it will never steer you wrong and will provide you with all of the answers you seek. Use your heart as your internal compass and it will ultimately guide you to where you are meant to be. Listen to the joy when you can give it away. It is too much for you and you are repaid two-fold when you give it to someone else. Be humble and appreciative for where you come from, how you are today, and what road you must still travel. If you choose to listen, you will be amazed at what you hear. But you have to be open and really concentrate...even on those things that never make a sound. Those are the ones we all search for, but you know it when you find it. Don't ever let go.

68

I know you are scratching your head, thinking to yourself, "What is this girl doing?" 68 is significant is a couple of different ways and I want you to think about them as they apply to you. Not all will. One I was born in 1968, so the first time I heard Dr. Kevin Elko mention in his "Nerves of Steel" CD, I took notice. More on that in a minute. But you know how when you see a car you identify with somehow, always seems to be noticed now because you identify with it? All of a sudden the truck you just bought seems to be everywhere on the road, but in reality it was always there - you just never noticed (or a had a reason to notice) it before. This is my 68th post for this year. All of the posts last year total 67 - this means, so far I have done something more than I did last year. And we are only to mid May!!! Not even half way done and I have surpassed what I accomplished in 2010. Not a really big thing, but some thing. Back to Dr. Elko. In his "Nerves of Steel" CD, he talks about people finding their "68" - I have referred to it as your "moxie". It is the same thing. I forget why he calls it "your 68", so I guess I will listen to the CD and get back to you on that. Someone at work told me that she feels trapped, unsure of what to do next. She has to have faith and look deep and let go of anything bad that could happen. We all make decisions every day that could go bad - in fact, we should expect them to. But not all decisions made will end up bad - in fact, some turn out way better than we ever expected. What is your 68? Dig deep? What is your passion? Why do you hide it? Sometimes, I don't even realize I am "showing my moxie" until someone tells me later that they loved seeing it. I am just me being me. I know I don't always share that with those around me, but I am tired of trying so hard at not being me that my only choice is to let me be. It is too exhausting and takes too much energy to be anyone else. I am better at me when I don't fight it. Don't fight it anymore - find "your 68" and share it. We will all be better for it and love to see it. It is what unites us as humans. The human spirit can never be deminished in its power to insire others to "pay it forward."

Life is a puzzle

I don't know why, but this came to me today. Life is a puzzle. See if you can follow where my head is maybe it will make sense. In front of us lays our life - but it is all scrambled and mixed up, so we have to put it together. We use the 4 corners of the puzzle to build our foundation. Sometimes our 4 corners are different from each other, but here are my 4 - God, family and friends, love, attitude. Without those 4 (ok, maybe I cheated with 5), nothing in the middle matters. It is very difficult to put the puzzle together without having the border in place. No one I know works on a puzzle from the middle out. But we cheat when we do puzzles, don't we? We look at the picture on the box to help guide us to where things go, but we don't have that for real life. We kind of have to figure it out as we go along. We learn what pieces go together really easily, like they were made for each other. And we learn which ones, no matter how much we try and believe that they should go together, just don't. As we put more of the puzzle together, we start to see how the picture is going to lay out. We connect more like colors and shapes so that one or two pieces become five and so on. We start to see the way groups of five pieces will connect with another group of five to make it more clearer to us to become a group of ten. The next thing you know, you are putting that group of ten in a corner or along the border to really show you what the picture is supposed to be. Even though in life, we don't have a box to look at, at some point, you know what the picture is supposed to be. Are you there yet in your life? Have you put enough pieces together to know what your life is supposed to be? Have you trusted the picture before you so that you have asked the question, and are willing to accept the answer? You will reach a point...we all do...when we know. Without a doubt, you know. It is further than hope; it is further than trust; it is further than believe. You know. What does your picture look like? Know that even when you think you know what it looks like, it can change. That is why we can never, ever finally put the last piece in and say, "We are done with the puzzle." Some people will be in your life to help you find where one or two pieces go here and there, but ultimately, it is your puzzle. You have to put it together. Only you know where everything goes, even when you think you don't. You know. It is just a matter of time. Take advantage of every minute you have.

What do you love?

What do you love? What brings you true joy in your heart? Here are a few of my favorites: 1. I love lying on the grass outside when the sun is out, but there is still a nice breeze to make it not too hot and not too cold. When you hear the leaves bristling against one another as they are just beginning their spring awakening, as all creatures become alive again. 2. I love when my husband grabs my hand to hold whether we are in the car or walking in public. It tells me so much more and it tells others the same thing. 3. I love to make people laugh, especially Rock. My "interesting" view on life can bring such laughter that is genuine and even a smile can be "heard" over the phone. 4. I love to suprise people by doing something and not ever letting them know I did it. It is not about recognition - it is about loving someone more than yourself. 5. I love learning - whether it is information about new technology (which sometimes can intimidate me) or sharing our pasts with great friends. 6. I love a warm cup of coffee (with sugar and flavored creamer) on a cold, Nebraska winter morning. Just for a moment, I can take in the heat from the cup as it travels through my entire body. 7. I love to run, especially when the sun comes up. I never thought I would even like getting up early and going by myself, but I do. I love it when Rock is with me, as that is how I normally start my day and then the day just always seems better than without it. 8. I love to write and talk and encourage others to believe in themselves so that tomorrow can be different from today. I love to watch them decide that they can be stronger than they ever thought before and go "all in", but they have to trust and have the right attitude. 9. I love to see our sons and those I love excel and shine, doing their thing. Pride was not an emotion that we were exposed to when we were young, but it comes at many times as we get older. It comes when a child does well in school; when a friend is no longer afraid of what she can accomplish; it comes to the surface when you remember fallen soldiers who served our country proud. 10. I love knowing that my future has yet to be written. Nothing is set in stone and decided. I love knowing that everything is possible. You are possible and I'm possible. Passions start and dreams are created because you try something once and then fall in love with it. You realize that you will never be the same as you once were and you take on a new life, one that leaves you speechless and humble and forever changed. What do you love? Do you share that love with the others in your life? I certainly do, every day.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all moms, grandmothers, great grandmothers, and especially step-mothers. Now, you may wonder why I said especially step-mothers. In retrospect of my life, I understand how difficult that role must have been for someone, who was not a mother by her own right. It would be like getting hired for a job that you have no experience doing, no real knowledge or education, and you move right to the top of the corporate ladder to be co-CEO with the other head of the household. Can you imagine that? I am not sure I could. Maybe you know someone who has had that same experience or still does. I know I do. It may be confusing and unwanted to smaller children who don't quite understand why this woman is now telling me what I can or can't do. I lived that for 9 years with my step-mom and even though we don't stay as connected as we maybe could have been, I am grateful for my sisters who celebrate their first Mother's Day and one who will be a mom for the first time hopefully this week. Because CLRL knows how important I have always been to my sisters and how important I am to them, she gives more now than perhaps she did then. Mom's give their hearts, even when they know they can be broken, and probably expect them to be. They do more than what is expected because they can and they want others to be happy. I ran into someone I once was good friends with today and realized that this was her first Mother's Day without her mom who had passed away. She was very close to her mom and I know that she misses her dearly. I received a couple of texts from family and dear friends wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day" and wanted to do the same for you. Step-moms are the unsung heroes that people forget about, but they probably try harder at being a mom to someone else's kids. They do it because they love the kids' father. Thank those that have influenced you to be who you are today. Chances are you would not be who you are without your mom, regardless of the time spent with her, whether or not you are related by blood, or just believe that she treated you like a mom should. Thanks, Moms, for all you do to make us better.

What do you deserve?

Now, before you start rattling off all of the things in your life that you don't have that you feel are owed to you, hear me out. There are always things that happen to us that everyone would agree that we don't deserve. Usually the things we think we don't deserve are bad and negative and the things we think we are "owed" are good and positive. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say, "I deserve to have my heart broken, so that I can learn how to heal." or "I deserve to struggle so that I can learn how to fight for what I want." You and I both know it. In my past, I have often (perhaps even too much) questioned those things that were good. I felt that if they were good that I did not deserve them; that luck somehow found it in my direction and it would eventually go away. It would not be sustained. I did not know how to sustain any of it anyway, so I would just let it run its course. There are certain basic expectations as humans that we deserve - we deserve to have enough food to eat and clean water to drink...we deserve to feel safe in our own homes...we deserve to be loved. My husband and I have been married for almost 22 years and been together for over 25 years. I deserve to be loved by him and he has committed to me fully since we took our vows many years ago. I have always questioned whether or not I deserve other people to care about and love me. I did not think I was worthy and that I did not deserve their committment to me. I was told recently that a friend deserves me and that I deserve her. We both have "baggage" and yet have found a great, once in a lifetime friendship, despite all we bring to the table. That baggage makes us who we are today. It is huge for me to admit what I deserve because I have never wanted to assert that before. I deserve her and all that she is to me. I poured out my heart to her recently and even though she never said anything to me about it, she deserved to hear it - exactly what I was feeling and thinking. We all deserve to smile and laugh and pursue our dreams. We all need to feel, without question, that we are worthy. Even through grief, even through anger, through it all. You deserve it. So do I. And once you have it, fight to keep it. Fight to keep it as long as what you will keep is worth more than what you would lose. I deserve to give you all I have and all I am and you deserve to use it in whatever way you choose. We get what we deserve so that we can use it going forward, to mold us into who we are meant to be. We deserve each other...do not ever forget or question it.

It Matters!

Have you ever wondered if what you do matters? If something you said or did made an impact on someone else, even though you may have thought what you said or did seemed insignificant to you? Maybe because you think it is small or silly, you think it doesn't matter that much to someone else. Or that it can't matter THAT much to someone else. Or that you cannot matter that much to someone else. I must ask myself that question at least once a day, sometimes more than once. This week, I gave someone from work a big hug, who did not expect it. I told her that smiles, compliments, and hugs are free - therefore, everyone can afford them. I think she was surprised by my willingness to give of myself to her, even for a brief moment. Sometimes, I question if what I do matters. If what I said matters. I do not usually question if I matter, but have been reminded over the last couple of months that I matter to a lot of people. People that I did not realize I mattered to nor did I realize how much I mattered to them. Why do we doubt that we are valuable and question our own worth? And then it happens, sometimes without warning from unexpected places. We get validated. We get a message from someone or through something that it matters. Today, I was reminded of that when a young man came to my office just to visit. He has chosen to stop by for a few minutes every week for the last couple of months prior to attending a class where I work. It is always great to see him and the smile that he always brings with him. Someone today told me that because I am a "nurturer", it is hard for me to receive as I am better at giving. That is so true. Say what you need to say because it matters. Do what you have to do because it matters. Feel what you feel because it matters. Believe what you believe because it matters. Laugh when you hear something funny because it matters. You matter. I matter. You are here for a reason, not by chance. Even hardship and pain in our lives matter because they are meant to teach us something. Yes, even those things we would never wish on anyone are there for a purpose. Sometimes, those little things mean the most to those we care about or complete strangers. I love to say, "Good morning" or "Hi" to people just walking by, regardlesss of where I am. In fact, Rock and I say it to everyone we pass when we are out at 5am. We even know some of them by name! LOL! I try to do something everyday, without recognition or fanfare, to make someone else's job easier or to make them smile. Some of them will never know it, but I know it and so does He. That is all that matters to me. It is never, ever too late or too small to show the world what matters. It matters!

Unpredictable

Life is so unpredictable. Even if we think we know, we really don't know for sure. We might have a pretty good idea. And how boring would life be if we knew what was going to happen next before it really happened? There is a movie starring Nicholas Cage called, "Next" where he can actually see what will happen before it does and althought it can be useful, I think it would be a huge burden. Our lives take us on paths we never thought we would be on, and yet we find ourselves in better situations than we ever thought possible. Growing up, I never thought I would move away from Southern California. Now, I have lived and raised our sons in the Omaha, Nebraska area where my husband grew up. I have never regretted that decision and when we visit my family in California, I usually cannot wait to get back home to Nebraska. When I was in high school and college, I wanted to go to law school and be an attorney. Some people might say that I loved to argue (maybe just share my point) and love to talk to so they seemed to go hand in hand. Plus, I love government, but hate politics. I am not an attorney, nor do I desire to be one. I have worked in several different industries, but now have a job where I can make a difference in other people's lives. That gives me the ultimate joy. Plus, I do other things that make me feel good where I can use my talents to get things accomplished. But the biggest job I have right now is you. This blog is something I never thought I would find myself compelled to do and write on at least every couple of days. I was noticing that I have written much more than last year, because my posts so far this year almost total all of last year. I was in a situation Friday night where I felt like I was kind of put on the spot with someone I had just met talking about my next adventure, and I wasn't quite ready for that. But I need to learn to be. I had not expected this part of my life to come to the surface so quickly with this new friend. I understand why it did, and looking back perhaps I did not handle it the way I should have. Sorry, Rock. I guess the message for this post is to let go of trying to have it all planned out, already decided, and set in motion. I had predicted how the night would go before I even got there without giving it a chance to just happen. For some reason, I was nervous and excited all at the same time, knowing how important it was for someone else. In addition to meeting this new friend, I met her daughter and somehow found myself "doing my thing" without any planning and ended up just being me. When we are young, we never would have imagined or predicted that our lives would be where they are, but I will tell you what. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." Sometimes, just sometimes, we end up with more we could have ever imagined. Embrace life for what it is...a living, changing, unpredictable part of you that makes the world better because you are in my life.