Anything and Everything

I used to call this The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but I like this better. It was used in a message today to me from someone as I have struggled over the last couple of days with wanting to run. It has also been mentioned to me that, "Running is easy...staying is hard." Afraid of the unknown not even yet before me and guessing at what my future may hold, set me back on my heels and put me out of sync in many ways. It was noticed and I was not even sure where it even came from. Part of me still believed it to be untrue - that everything I wanted something to be would not be something I could have. It was a fluke - a mistake - a boo-boo. It is something that I have to believe I can have, should have, deserve to have. I have to not give in to the easy choice, but put that faith in someone else and let them choose, even if I have been promised what that choice would be should the time come. If we ever cross that bridge, I was reminded that she would always be here. ALWAYS HERE. When you make a promise to someone that you will be there through anything and everything, what does that say about you? Of course, if the tables were turned, I would be there for her through anything and everything. In fact, I would be hurt if I was not included in that and I would expect to be in the middle of it all. Not really sure what she needed, but would be there - ALWAYS THERE. The devotion and committment to something that you are not wavering, not ever giving up, always present especially when something is difficult will make you go places you never imagined. It will make you search for the will to do all that you can to hold onto what you treasure most. Your grasp may loosen, but you will never be able to actually let go. You can't. You have become a living part of someone else and that memory will never fade - despite time or distance. You have to have faith...you have to believe...you have to know...you have to take chances...you have to love...you have to let go...you have to live. When you are willing to give it your everything regardless of anything that comes up, then nothing can stop you.

68

I know you are scratching your head, thinking to yourself, "What is this girl doing?" 68 is significant is a couple of different ways and I want you to think about them as they apply to you. Not all will. One I was born in 1968, so the first time I heard Dr. Kevin Elko mention in his "Nerves of Steel" CD, I took notice. More on that in a minute. But you know how when you see a car you identify with somehow, always seems to be noticed now because you identify with it? All of a sudden the truck you just bought seems to be everywhere on the road, but in reality it was always there - you just never noticed (or a had a reason to notice) it before. This is my 68th post for this year. All of the posts last year total 67 - this means, so far I have done something more than I did last year. And we are only to mid May!!! Not even half way done and I have surpassed what I accomplished in 2010. Not a really big thing, but some thing. Back to Dr. Elko. In his "Nerves of Steel" CD, he talks about people finding their "68" - I have referred to it as your "moxie". It is the same thing. I forget why he calls it "your 68", so I guess I will listen to the CD and get back to you on that. Someone at work told me that she feels trapped, unsure of what to do next. She has to have faith and look deep and let go of anything bad that could happen. We all make decisions every day that could go bad - in fact, we should expect them to. But not all decisions made will end up bad - in fact, some turn out way better than we ever expected. What is your 68? Dig deep? What is your passion? Why do you hide it? Sometimes, I don't even realize I am "showing my moxie" until someone tells me later that they loved seeing it. I am just me being me. I know I don't always share that with those around me, but I am tired of trying so hard at not being me that my only choice is to let me be. It is too exhausting and takes too much energy to be anyone else. I am better at me when I don't fight it. Don't fight it anymore - find "your 68" and share it. We will all be better for it and love to see it. It is what unites us as humans. The human spirit can never be deminished in its power to insire others to "pay it forward."

All in!

Ok, so this saying came to me over the weekend and I have been meaning to share it with you, but when I would think of it, I didn't have access to the computer or was rushing out the door. This attitude of "All in!" is one I have embraced as another motto for life. I am not much of a gambler and was not watching any poker on tv this weekend, but this still came to me. This applies to us - to our lives - to everything we desire and we have to have faith when we are committed to say, "I'm all in." It means that I believe, 100%, without a doubt that whatever I have is the BEST thing out on the table. We believe this so strongly that we are willing to chance losing everything as we have no guarantee that what we have is the best. But we have to be willing to lay it all out there. If we don't, we will never know. Sometimes, the "chips" we have at our disposal changes, because we win some and we lose some. Sometimes, even when we think what we have what it takes, someone else has been dealt something better, but we have is still pretty good and the luck just didn't fall our way. The hardest part is waiting for everyone else to show us what they have after we have decided to go "all in". We are anxious and nervous and almost cannot breath as we anticipate our fate. It can feel like time literally stood still and we "hurry up and wait". Is there something in your life that you hesitate about...that you want to commit to all the way, but are afraid of possible outcomes? You have to let go...commit all the way, without ever going back or regret, and HAVE TO go ALL IN. I have played it safe my entire life, living in a glass bubble, being protected. Now, I have plans to put all of my fears (ok, most of them :-)) aside and finally, finally, live all in. It is so liberating to say and be free of those self-imposed chains that I was shackled with for so long. I teetered on the fence about letting Rocky in and realized that I was making myself have motion sickness because of my indecisiveness. I had to choose. It was either keep to the status quo or do something different. I chose the latter and told her that I was "all in" with her today. No going back...no regrets...no safety net. Not that she didn't already know it, but I said it out loud (so it is real). At lunch, another possibility came my way unexpectedly and we will see where that takes us. As much as my stomach was turning because of the excitement and nervousness, I calmed myself when I reminded that I was "All in!" Be willing to take chances and be willing to accept when things don't go as expected, because regardless of the best planning, something will find a way to challenge you and question what you are made of and what you believe. Every struggle you face is meant to teach you a lesson...what are you supposed to learn? Find your Moxie and Go All In!

Reflection

Happy Easter to those who celebrate this day. As I watch the sun come up to the east and I see shiny spots of glistening dew on the the blades of the grass in my front yard, I reflect on life. Today, we remember what sacrifices were made on our behalf and that gives us hope. Yesterday, Rocky and I spent another good day together. For a charitable cause, we walked 25 miles in about 6 hours. It was cold and windy at times, and then I remember when the sun came out...we lifted our heads as if we were drawn to the warmth on our faces and took it all in. We were "Team Moxie" and had three other members that went with us, but they were done at the 5-mile and 10-mile marks. But Rocky and I weren't going to quit - especially when we got to mile marker 22 (or so they told us!). We learned more about each other, sang along with our ipods, and saw some pretty interesting things. Even when we were dancing to a song we liked, we didn't even care who saw us...we are at that point in our lives. Pleasing others or doing what is expected is not what guides us now. We are taking care of us first and "those that matter don't mind." They are just along for the ride. We are living our dreams and pursuing them to the fullest, with no safety net below. We understand that we may fall, but we are going to change our lives, either way. Something that is passionately driven cannot be prevented from moving forward. As you reflect on what your life is like now and compare it where you want it to be, what changes are you willing to make to make it different? Have you been stuck in a rut or settling for something less than what you desire because that is easy or you are unsure of where to start? The hardest part is always finding the courage to ask the question...whichever one you want answered. You have to listen and be open to the answer, even if it is not the answer you think it will be. Your heart will tell you everything you will need to know and it will be constant. It will not change. It will create excitement when you talk about it, even when you don't realize it. Someone told me once that she could hear the passion in my voice as I shared an idea with her, and all I could hear were the words. She told me I needed to listen to the passion and moxie that was coming through to her over the phone. Reflection is "fixing your thoughts on something or careful consideration" and as you find peace today, think about where you are and where you want to be. Live your life to the fullest, with no regrets, and be happy. My favorite thing is to see the ones I love be happy and shine while they are doing their "thing". Take the chance to not only change your life, but the lives of those around you. You never know when what you do will change the lives of others. Trust me...I have seen it first hand and it is the greatest gift you can ever give someone. You will never regret that.

Making sense of it all

It is so hard to process information and try to determine what it all means. Especially when life keeps happening all around you, which ironically reminds us that we are here. I reached out to two more friends from that Bunko group from years past after seeing them at lunch this past week. I texted them both to them that I hoped we could get together and have lunch soon. I am hoping for next week. In some ways, I feel like I have come full circle, yet still not at the end. I know that sounds goofy, but when you get to a point where it seems to make sense of why you lived the way you did and now are at a different point in your life, then it seems to make sense. So many times, people over the the last year have said that I am not the same Michelle I was back then and they are so right. This Michelle is SOOOOO much better. I know I laugh more at myself and am happy. I feel joy in my heart and am genuine when giving my love to others and a hug to someone who needs it as they mourn someone they lost. Making sense of life does not mean that I have all of the answers - actually, I am learning something new every day. Probably the biggest lesson I have learned over this year is that I can do more, give more, and be more than I ever let myself be in the past. I learned that I do not have to be afraid all of the time and not every situation will turn out badly. I had an escape plan in those unfamiliar situations, just in case things started to go bad in a hurry, with one foot out of the door. I know I did that every day with Rock. It was extremely difficult to be completely and honestly engaged when I was ready to run. As I said in a previous blog, I am not afraid any more. I have committed to this life like never before and continue to be amazed at how much is returned to me as I give so much of me away. Without hesitation, without worry, without expectations. I understand more than I ever thought I would. I don't care what others think when I am letting the world see more of me. I told my mom yesterday that after almost 43 years, the world is getting all of me. I held on to something for so long, and in reality I just needed to let it go, but I was scared. Fear ruled my life. Living my life now - wide open and fulling alive - makes sense to me. And yet I am not sure that I could explain it to someone else. But I will keep trying so that their life makes sense to them. Enjoy your weekend - hope it is spring where you are as new life becomes renewed after a long winter hibernation.

Life changes!

In one day, I think my life has dramatically changed in a matter of a couple of hours. This morning,I went for a run with Rock...we are starting to get back into our regular routine. It was great weather and I cannot wait until temperatures are more consistent where I don't need two pairs of gloves, long johns, a stocking cap, and a heavy jacket. She asked me if I felt any different about my life since taking some chances in the last two weeks. I told her, "No" because essentially my life is the same as it was before I took those chances. Nothing had changed. She told me that she thought I was different than I was two weeks ago - I asked her to explain. She told me that she doesn't hear the doubt and questions that I had before. She is right...I don't have them. Have you ever felt like you are on a wave in the ocean, but you don't worry about getting sucked under the water and fear of drowning; you don't think about how long you will be riding the wave; and you don't think about what others will think of you if you fall off the wave??? That is where I am. Today, I had a lunch with an aquaintance that I met through work, but we have never really sat and visited with each other before. I had mentioned to her previously in an email that I wanted to share my vision with her and what kind of impact I thought it could make on our community. Within 5 minutes of hearing my idea, she told me that she wanted me to be on her team to help her with something that she is doing. We agree that we can pull our resources and make it better. It was so exciting!! Last week, I had also reached out to another source that could help with a similar vision with a different audience and I received some very complimentary words today. I have some tweaking to do on some things, but we will get together in May to go over everything in greater detail. The crazy thing is the implementation for both will take place probably this fall. Maybe instead of saying I am on a wave, maybe it would be more appropriate to say I am in a whirlwind right now. It is so hard to explain this to people who are not there, but I can see it in those that are there. I can see the way their eyes light up and they get excited hearing me talk and share like there is no tomorrow. Momentum is an amazing force that will carry us where we want to go. I just never thought it would be here, but I am going to love this ride!

Your Everything, part 2

I had some time to think yesterday as I was driving to visit my college son yesterday and I was thinking about this posting the other day. I had just spoken to a very good friend and I admitted that I have not given this one chance at life my everything. Then, I thought about that more. I have learned that I have to forgive myself as much, if not more, than I forgive others for shortcomings. You may have the same thoughts I do - you have not given your life your everything. Then, I asked the question, "Did I give it everything I could AT THE TIME?" Was I capable of more, but didn't give it? I do not know if I will ever know the answer to that question. When I first started running, I was out of shape, overweight, and a little groggy (at 5am) and could not run 100 yards without hoping the oxygen machine was at the end of that run. Did I give it my everything (whatever that consisted of at the time) when I first started running with Rocky? Yes, I did. That was my reality. Now, I have more to give, therefore I have to give more - everything I currently have. Being able to look back and wish we could change things is a great wish, but something that we can never do. We didn't have then what we have now so our "everything" is different. If you live your life to the fullest, with what you currently have with your whole heart, then you can say you have given your everything. I am willing to push myself to be better than I was the day before - the fire inside is that strong and it will never diminish. My motivation is not something that I have felt in a long time and the passion is there forever. Whatever you have, whatever you are going through in life - give your life your everything. The best part is that the more you strive for more, you achieve more, you grow more, you are changed and because of that your everything changes every day. Give your everything everyday. You will not be sorry you did.

Your everything

This week has been emotionally draining and tiring. I would be lying if I said I am not glad that it is over. I have been reminded this week about life and those little moments we all take for granted, and how time is never anything we can get back once it is gone. The song that gets me really motivated to change my life is called, "Motions" by Matthew West. There is a portion of the song where where the lyrics say, "I don't want to spend my life asking what if I had given my everything instead of going through the motions." That is where I am right now and I actually get very upset about the thought I could be wasting time doing something totally irrelevant. We never know how much time we have in our lives. My Mission Statement highlights my lack of regrets so far in my life, and I am not about to start now. If I had to ask myself if I have given my everything, my answer would be no. Well, no more waiting for me. I am done with the status quo and waiting for my life to lead me - I am taking control and going to give my life my everything. I have given more of my everything in the last 12 months that I have probably done my entire life. What becomes important when you have signs that remind you that you are alive and that your work is not yet done. Tonight, I have friends that are mourning their husband and father while another friend is mourning the loss of her mother in law. Personally, we have dealt with four deaths in the last four weeks. As I mentioned earlier - no one is promised a tomorrow or any amount of time. We have to make the most of our todays. If you knew you had but one day to live, can you say you gave your everything? Most of us can't. Because we are not promised anything, it should be your life's purpose to give your everything. It should be what you tell yourself every morning before your start your day. I don't want to wish that I had given more. One of my favorite sayings is, "No one ever wishes they had done less. They always wish they had done more." Give more, believe more, love more, say more, treasure more, dance more, laugh more, hug more - the list goes on. Give your everything - it is the one thing that is a guaranteed crowd pleaser.