What's your word?

Is there a word that would describe you? I think at any given moment, we have a feeling that would describe us. Maybe not the only word, but one that just pops into our head. Usually, we can find an emotion that will describe how we feel during a particular event. Also, we would all associate that same feeling with a similar type event had we been experiencing it as well. So, as you read this, what is your word? For me, sometimes it is difficult to pick just one. Right now, I think it would be determined. I have made new and exciting things happen to me over the last two years and I am determined to see all of that new knowledge be used to make me and my life better. Perhaps in doing so, it allows others to do the same. I never know where this road will take me and I have to allow the heart to lead. My word will change probably in ten minutes, but right now, I am focused on the tasks yet before me that include something very new and exciting that I will begin this weekend. Believe me, I couldn't understand why this new idea came to me when it did and I had to share with a few people who also became excited with me. Every once in a while we get so caught up in the daily grind of work, family, responsibilites, life, etc that we forget to stop and think for one second. Sometimes I don't even get 30 seconds, so I need to make that time. It has to be important to me to know that not doing so doesn't make me more efficient, it makes me less efficient. I am better when I have many things in the fire, but spend a great deal of time tackling each one with great attention, all the time knowing that I gave that task my utmost attention and I didn't do it half-way. I gave it my all. What is your word? Remember, it will change.

Get lost

No, I don't mean for you to leave. I just mean that we all get lost from time to time. We all get off the tracks...we all get knocked down...we all get unexpected turns that leave us wondering what to do next. "Follow your heart and you will never get lost" is a plaque that LR gave to me for my birthday and it greets me every day I walk into my office. I looked at that plaque more today than I have since I first put it there on my bookshelf some five months ago. It reminded me of everything I ever need to know and to always let my heart lead me. If I fail to do so, then I get lost and forget where I am and where I need to be. I know we all do it, and my usual time at being lost is about 3 days. Just sayin. In those three days, my perspective and attitude change, but not usually because of something someone has said to me to get me "right" again. It is something that almost happens by itself, and because it comes to me when it does, I trust it. Completely. No one likes the feeling of not being sure what direction we are headed and most of us may use our GPS to assist us. I have talked about our internal GPS - our compass - that guides is out of harms way and trouble and allows us to continue on our path, even with a small detour. Getting lost can be a good thing because it forces us to see things that we may have overlooked or might not have seen all together. My head never would have been my hero in saving me or allowing me to find my way back "home". I always...ALWAYS...have to let me heart lead me there. There is no other way. Just accept that you will get lost and know that getting lost means that you can find your way back, too.

Being there

Sometimes that is enough. Just being there. Whether someone asked you to or not, but you choose to be there because being there is not for you or about you. It's about making someone else's important thing just as important to you because they are that important to you. It means dropping work at the drop of a hat because you see someone you love not feeling well. It means sending a card to anyone just to say, "I love you and am thinking about you." It means doing more for others than maybe what you might see is being done for you. It means holding someone's hand when they are nervous, knowing that just that gentle touch will provide some comfort and settle your heart as much as it does theirs. It means hearing their voice when that is the only thing that will make your heart smile, even though neither one of you can see it. It means making choices that are not really even sacrifices because you would do it again, every day and twice on Sunday. Being there is so much without a single word ever being said. It means standing at the back of a crowd, catching a widower's eye, so that he knows you took time out of your day to pay your respects. It means attending a baseball game for a teenager who might not have a great deal of support at home. It means holding someone you love because they need to shed tears that their heart seems to want to pour out. It means helping a stranger who doesn't have enough money to buy a gallon of milk. It means stopping by unannounced and bringing someone lunch, even if they don't get to eat it. It means living in someone's soul and heart, even when time has passed between you. It means taking 15 minutes to check on a neighbor in the hospital. It means not caring about what it might look to others, because you know that you don't want to have any regrets. It means that you still are present in their lives, even when they are surrounded by chaos, because by your being there, you somehow quiet everything around them. Being there is so important and is what people think about most when they thank others, especially when the big things show up in life. But being there can mean just as much for the smaller things as well. No one needs to know that you were there except you. Can you feel it yet? You have to tell me that you can. Being there is not just about physically being there, but emotionally being there and committed to being "whatever you need, for as long as you need it, because you need it." Be a master of being there. It is easier than you think and gives others so much joy and that in itself can mean everything. Sometimes being there is more than enough..it is all there is. Be there.

All of our eggs in one basket

Who hasn't done that before? Put all we have, all we believe into one thing, only to have the rug pulled out from under you and then you wind up with yolk on your face? Feeling kind of foolish, hoping no one saw and will bring it up later? Yeah...been there done that. I think this is why I hold back and don't let others see all of me and have done that for most of my life. It is easier not to commit, not to give more than you half to, and to hide. Who doesn't like easy? But, what if you give all you have and it turns out exactly like you thought it would? Maybe even just a little better? Sometimes, crazy better? So if we don't fully give it our all, then chances are we will not get our all returned to us. On the other hand, the less we risk, the less we could lose. The chance of losing it all does not always make that decision an easy one. What if we reverse that thinking to be having it all? Would you chance it all if there was a guarantee that things would come out at least as you expect them to? Of course we would!!! But what do we do in the meantime? It a choice we make and it is not always an easy choice. Dilemmas are never an easy decision but they come our way from time to time. What do we do next? What do we use to decide? We use our faith, our heart, our love of life. But, sometimes that is still not enough and we still end up with all of our eggs from our basket spilling and we clean up the yolk and shells off our face. Until the next time...

Left brained vs Right brained

I was reading an article today that talks about about left-brained vs right-brained people and the differences between the two hemispheres. In looking at the characteristics of each side, I would guess that I have been a left-brain user for the majority of my life. I am thinker and by that I am "rational, enjoy talking and writing, and solve problems logically." However, I also have started using my right side of my brain as well, probably more than I ever have before. Those characteristics include, "using hunches, is more fluid and spontaneous, and is more free with their feelings." WOW. Seeing those descriptions made me think that I am left-brained dominant as I am sure most of us are one or the other. Although, I certainly seem to using my instincts more and I know I share my feelings more (sometimes thinking it's too much - yes, the left-brain creeps in) and try to be less focused on how things will play out and just let them happen. This is probably best described as the "rollercoaster" ride of life. I seem to find myself finding things, people, words, etc that somehow are connected, even if looking at them separately would not lead me to that same conclusion. Without planning, events happen on the same day. People that we had not seen or talked to in months suddenly reach for you and I sit back and wonder, "why?" I used to think that I did not have a creative bone in my body and actually tell people that I cannot draw a stick man to save my life. My husband can draw as can our youngest son. I love to sing and want to learn how to dance, but feel awkward in front of others. I have kept my distances from others in order to protect myself from possible damage, but now seem to be ok with showing people more of me than most have seen in some time (or ever). I have said it before that I am not as "free" when I let my brain win, but feel more when I let my heart lead. Maybe it should be "left-brained vs. right-heart." As long as they work together and not against one another, then everything will just as it is meant to be.

In your heart

That is where I find peace and calmness amidst the craziness of life. I also find comfort, love, and joy. When I doubt, I look there too for the confidence I need to muster again. It solidifies everything I believe to be honorable and true. It grounds me when I wonder if what I am doing is making any kind of difference. When I am unsure of what to do next, I listen to my heart. It reminds me of the faith I have in the message I bring, in the people that cherish me, and when I question it all. My heart brings tears when I never thought it would, as the meaning of those simple words come to the surface as I type them. It brings me solace knowing that whatever comes my way, I can handle it and is there for a reason. My bestest memories are stored there and can make me smile or giggle for no other reason other than I go back to that moment in time and remember. My heart is overflowing with emotion, even this morning. Not really sure why, but it is here. I just know that I am very grateful to be exactly where I am right now. This is where I need to be...my heart tells me so.

Listen...

Really listen. Do you hear it? I heard it 20 months ago and I still hear it. I listen to it on the solo runs I take when my feet carry me along my normal route as I finish my 5th mile. I hear it when I find new music that inspires me to keep moving forward. It is found in those places that no one ever gets to, but people can see it. I can feel it almost every day. And believe me, I am paying attention. I am talking about my heart...heeding the message it is sending to me as I follow the path before me. I dismissed it for so long, never probably acknowledging its existence. How can that be? How could I have just skated through by the seat of my pants for so long? Why wasn't it important until now? I am not sure that I will ever be able to answer those questions. The best part is that I don't have to. They don't matter anyway. The message I get every day mkaes it so worthwhile that even when I stumble through something, I have to get back up and keep going. Especially when I stumble. The silence can be deafening when you listen. Listen to what you are meant to do...how you serve others...by being you. For the first time in a really long time, I am all ears.

It just keeps getting better

When Rocky and I miss a day or two, we have to catch up on everything that has happened. It sounds weird, but we both have a lot going on right now and when our heads are spinning all the time, it is hard to remember one day to the next. I skipped again today during our run as I told her about what happened yesterday and even though it was new and exciting and I have no real "plan" of what I am doing, I LOVED IT!!! Loved it, loved it, loved it. Did I say I loved it yet? Ok...moving on. Yes, lots to do, but there is a reason it is coming now. I am supposed to do it now. He sees what he has in store for me and although I cannot yet see the path before me (not even people sometimes at 5am - LOL), I have complete faith in it. It cannot be explained, and I am not even sure that I would want it to be. New doors and excitement are being generated by people around me that I never allowed in previously and we are all moving forward together. We see our hearts leading us like never before and we will change the world for the better. No matter what comes next, we will be ready for each challenge with support from one another and will overcome each one. We will be stronger because of what we must do. We will love more than ever before. We will see our lives like we never envisioned. Embrace life...change yours forever and you will never regret it. Life just keeps getting better. LOVE IT!!!

Today

Have you seen it? Really seen it? Then if you have seen it, have you been so there that you felt the same as they did? I did today. I saw true happiness and joy and elation. Nothing was going to stop her. ABSOLUTELY nothing. She was on cloud 9 and I was right along side her. I got to give a great friend a HUGE hug when she told me she did it. She took a giant leap and changed her life forever by choosing to let go of her past and look forward towards her future. A future I am not sure she believed she had, even a few years ago. She was going through the motions and existing. Today, she was thriving and living. No regrets about what has been done and no guarantees. I LOVE IT!!!! I have never seen her so excited, even though she said she thought was going to be sick while she made her announcement. But she did it. I am so proud of HER. I found myself getting smiles when I thought about it during the day. I could not help it. Still can't as I type this post. Today is her day. Today is the day she actively chose to act on her dreams and passions and is steps closer to making them a reality. Not baby steps, either. Giant leaps. Even one at a time moves you. She took a chance today and is definetely moving forward in a direction that she might not have ever thought she would take. Many years wasted on settling for what is instead of what could be had taken its toll on her and those that care about her. But not today. Today, she was not going to be denied. Today, I saw a her bloom like I have never seen before. I am grateful to her for sharing it with me as I would have never forgiven myself for not being there. Actually, if I had to compare, she might have shined brighter than the sun. It takes my breath away even now. You may wonder if you have seen this type of "light" before when someone you love changes their life forever. But understand this...it will not be mistaken for anything else because you will know it when you see it. And today, I saw it.

Are you listening?

Are you listening? Not just pretending to hear, but really listen? When we take time to quiet all of the other voices going on around us, and listen to what our hearts are trying to tell us? We have to make that time. HAVE TO! We all are busy in our daily lives, with kids, spouses, work, other responsibilities, etc. It seems like it never ends. I know time is my biggest enemy. I need more of it or need to use it more wisely to accomplish more. I really am trying to listen because there seems to be signs and occurances that seem to be trying to get my attention. I have to listen to whatever is being shared with me. Some times our plans do not seem to serve those we are meant to serve in our life. I am meant to serve others with my ramblings here and in person. I don't hear what I say when I am talking to others but have been told after the fact that it was neat to watch. I have never seen it and I am such a hard critic of myself, that maybe me watching it would not be a good idea. Listen to those that seek you out - they are coming to you for advice or help. Be willing to share what you have with them. They will always remember that. Listen to what is not said - sometimes we learn more from a touch, from a smile, from a kind gesture. It costs you nothing and you may have just made someone's day by saying, "hello". Listen to your heart - it will never steer you wrong and will provide you with all of the answers you seek. Use your heart as your internal compass and it will ultimately guide you to where you are meant to be. Listen to the joy when you can give it away. It is too much for you and you are repaid two-fold when you give it to someone else. Be humble and appreciative for where you come from, how you are today, and what road you must still travel. If you choose to listen, you will be amazed at what you hear. But you have to be open and really concentrate...even on those things that never make a sound. Those are the ones we all search for, but you know it when you find it. Don't ever let go.

Reflection

Happy Easter to those who celebrate this day. As I watch the sun come up to the east and I see shiny spots of glistening dew on the the blades of the grass in my front yard, I reflect on life. Today, we remember what sacrifices were made on our behalf and that gives us hope. Yesterday, Rocky and I spent another good day together. For a charitable cause, we walked 25 miles in about 6 hours. It was cold and windy at times, and then I remember when the sun came out...we lifted our heads as if we were drawn to the warmth on our faces and took it all in. We were "Team Moxie" and had three other members that went with us, but they were done at the 5-mile and 10-mile marks. But Rocky and I weren't going to quit - especially when we got to mile marker 22 (or so they told us!). We learned more about each other, sang along with our ipods, and saw some pretty interesting things. Even when we were dancing to a song we liked, we didn't even care who saw us...we are at that point in our lives. Pleasing others or doing what is expected is not what guides us now. We are taking care of us first and "those that matter don't mind." They are just along for the ride. We are living our dreams and pursuing them to the fullest, with no safety net below. We understand that we may fall, but we are going to change our lives, either way. Something that is passionately driven cannot be prevented from moving forward. As you reflect on what your life is like now and compare it where you want it to be, what changes are you willing to make to make it different? Have you been stuck in a rut or settling for something less than what you desire because that is easy or you are unsure of where to start? The hardest part is always finding the courage to ask the question...whichever one you want answered. You have to listen and be open to the answer, even if it is not the answer you think it will be. Your heart will tell you everything you will need to know and it will be constant. It will not change. It will create excitement when you talk about it, even when you don't realize it. Someone told me once that she could hear the passion in my voice as I shared an idea with her, and all I could hear were the words. She told me I needed to listen to the passion and moxie that was coming through to her over the phone. Reflection is "fixing your thoughts on something or careful consideration" and as you find peace today, think about where you are and where you want to be. Live your life to the fullest, with no regrets, and be happy. My favorite thing is to see the ones I love be happy and shine while they are doing their "thing". Take the chance to not only change your life, but the lives of those around you. You never know when what you do will change the lives of others. Trust me...I have seen it first hand and it is the greatest gift you can ever give someone. You will never regret that.

What to do...

I was hoping today I would get more answers to the questions I have, yet that was not to be. Now, I have even more questions. Every scenario is playing out in my head and not sure what decision, if any, needs to made at this time. Not even sure that this is the right time to make such a decision. When I was asked a couple of weeks ago what my decision was going to be if this presented itself, I made it very clear what my decision would be. Now that I could be at that exact point, I question. I have to dig deep...I have to trust my heart...like never before. I have to be willing to lay it all out there, never sure of what tomorrow brings. I visited with an old friend today at lunch and it was so good to catch up with her. The funny thing is that we have actually known each other for years, but never really did anything socially like going to lunch before. It was nice to see J and hear what was going on in her life and share what was new in mine. Later, I sent her a text telling that it was a great lunch and she told me that I make her smile...I told her that was easy. I like easy. I read recently that nothing makes you feel better than knowing that the smile someone gives to you is probably a result of you giving them one (or something like that). I know that the answers are there for me...if I let them appear. But I have to be willing to accept them for what they are, even if I am afraid. It is hard to let go and wonder. I asked for signs all day today, hoping that the answers would come. So far, I have not seen any, but will definetely keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe they will come tomorrow when I run. Sometimes, that doesn't help - I end up with more questions. I have to have faith and believe in something not yet secure or definite. That can be hard to do. I have to believe it in order for others to believe in it. Wish me luck...stay tuned for more later. Have a wonderful evening.

Listen to your heart

I have been wide awake since about 3am my time. I am not even sure why. I am anxious to get back out and run again this morning as the temperature is a balmy 55 degrees. YAY!! I am sure my inability to rollover and get more shut eye may have something to do with some of the work I have to do for these new ventures/projects, but do not really feel overwhelemed by them. I have no expectations (other than I expect to do them well), but really whatever happens after they are done is ok with me. If it is something that gets done once and then we move on, I am ok with that. However, I think they may actually lead to other avenues yet to show themselves. In fact, as I was telling a friend yesterday about these new ventures, she wanted to include me on her list of possible classes that her clients would need to take. We will see. I just know that the more I share more of my passion for helping kids and adults see what life has to offer them, the more I feel alive. Like I am finally giving the world my self, my true self. I have hidden it for so long that I was asked recently that if I had to choose between putting money in my pocket or following my heart (with no guarantee of money), I would have to pick following my heart. I have told this same friend that it is not always about money, and it isn't. You can make more money, but you cannot always follow your heart. Money cannot guarantee your dream coming true. Pursuing your dream and making it a reality will reward in more ways than you can ever imagine. You feel alive...you feel happy...you feel complete. I have said that I cannot stop this momentum and have to at least say I tried it. Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it works out better than I ever imagined, or maybe it crashes beyond all repair. I have to try. Do you have something that is tugging at your heart that you have to try? That just seems to be nagging at you, even though you have tried to ignore it, but it will not go away? It will keep presenting itself to you in an attempt to get your attention. When are you going to listen? You have to quiet your mind and listen to your heart...it will take you where you need to go. Be brave. Be strong. Hold true to what you believe. Listen to what is being said. Then act on it. It will never go away until you do something about it. You have to try.

Thinking about what I am doing

Today started like any other day. I got up to go run and only after I was dressed and heading out the door did I look at the current temperature that said it was 13 degrees with a wind chill of less than 0. Too cold for this runner. I went back to bed. Within an hour of my day at work, a co-worker comes in to my office and asks for two minutes of advice. She seemed rather perplexed so I gave her my full attention (and probably more than 2 minutes). She asks me how she can stay motivated when her running routine (preparing for a half-marathon) has had some "wrinkles" in it and she is thinking that she will not be prepared for it. She tells me she very methodically looks at the regimine and where she should be and does not feel that she is there. I tell her two things - one, she needs to stop thinking so much as she has become preoccupied with her goal of not walking at all and two, she needs to forgive herself. We chat a little bit longer and I give her a hug and send her on her way. A little bit later, she sends me an email asking me if since that kid lost his self control a couple of weeks ago, if I had thought twice about what I was doing. I first told her that my answer might have been different if I had gotten hurt, but also acknowledged that we take chances and that I was not going to live my life in fear of the unknown. I had done more living in the last year with trying new things, conquering fears long buried, and being hurt by a dear friend. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I was inquisitive, so I asked her what she meant. She mentions that perhaps I should give advice to others and get paid for it. She jokenly tells me to send her the bill. What do you guys think? I am really trying to listen to my heart and let it guide me. For too long, my mind has been leading the way and it has not been fulfilling. Over the last year, my heart has led and I finally started living. I need to keep asking the questions...one day the answers will come.

Taking Chances

I thought this past week was going to be like any other week. Boy, was I wrong in so many ways. First, on Valentine's Day, Rocky shows up after a long sabatical, a kid threatens to hurt me, and I get selected to serve on a 3-day jury trial. The biggest event was when Rocky came back into my life so unexpectedly. Every day was a reminder of her. Her mom helps to watch over jury trials, so I spent three days with her mom and every time I looked at her, I thought of Rocky. There was even a juror with her same first name. Here I am surrounded by her mom, hearing her name, and yet so detached from her. Friday night, I came home and wrote a 4 page letter, trying to explain to Rocky where I was and where I wanted to be. In the letter, I mention several times that I may never give her this letter, but also needed to be very honest and tell her what I was thinking and feeling. I decided to completely and unconditionally forgive her. I cannot forgive her if I keep the walls up and we both agreed that neither of us wanted that for our future, not really knowing what that meant. I had texted her on Thursday night and told her that I felt the walls going up. I think she understood. On Saturday, I get a text from her that she is at the library and was curious what I was doing with my weekend. I wasn't doing anything since my guys were out of the house, so I went to see her. It was almost automatic when I left my house, like I didn't even think twice or hesitate about where we were. I had to go and I took the letter with me along with a card I made for her that I had never mailed. As we sit in one of the back rooms, I take out the letter and read it to her, not knowing how she is going to take it, but I needed her to hear it from me. It was very liberating and revealing and I was grateful that I wasn't keeping it from her. In order for us to move forward, we cannot have walls and I told her last night that the past is the past. We talked for three hours yesterday and then traded texts later last night. I think we both came to the conclusion that we are even better now than we were before all of this happened, even though it was hard and we both hurt. She decided that she needs to forgive herself for hurting me and I think she is on that track. We both took risks this past week to fight for something we both want and we trusted that even though it was painful, it was real. Through this all, we have both decided to take more risks with other things in our life that inspire us and make us happy. I have put my dream on hold, not feeling like I could inspire someone else when I did not feel inspired. I realized that I cannot play it safe and have to take risks if I want anything to change, even if that means I don't succeed. I have to try. I have to give it my all and lay it all out there. Are you doing that in your life? Are you willing to do that in your life? "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." Take risks to change whatever you want to change - you can.

Get real!

A few days ago, I mentioned that I was feeling a little lost. Although, I no longer seem to be stuck at the truck stop today, I have started moving, although I am still unsure of where I am headed. In recent days, I have put the wall up that I have spent 40+ years perfecting but I know it's purpose very well. It's cause is not something specific, but I know when I put the wall up, it is because I create questions, then have doubt, then get scared and finally, want to retreat. It is a defense mechanism to protect me so that I feel like I have control of what is around me. This morning, I could not sleep and was up at 3am. The wall came crashing down with tears. My brain keeps trying to tell my heart what to do because that is the way the heirarchy has worked for me up until about 10 months ago. Every now and then, the brain tries to rule the heart and that is a huge mistake, when I let it win. When I let my heart rule, I am finally real. Good, bad, and ugly and everthing in between. I am accepting of what "Get Real" means after years of not saying it; although it was a popular term when I was growing up. A friend told me she would rather see tears in my eyes than the wall. Whatever tasks come your way, whoever you pass today, remember to "Be Real!"

Magnitude of doing nothing

I know...I am on a roll. Two in one day. Watch out, world. She is up and ready to take you on. There are many times that I write inspirations to myself and put them in my spiral notebook, and forget to post them here. I have a friend (yeah, it is sad - only one :-)) who is trying to find the courage to take a chance in her life. Yesterday, I wrote a few things down and gave it to her on a folded up piece of notebook paper, like I was handing her a note in school. I thought it was funny after I gave it to her. However, when she unfolded it, it unfolded to these words - "The magnitude of doing nothing to fullfill our purpose is far greater than any pursuing we take to fullfill that same purpose." I wrote that on February 25, 2010. One week after meeting her. I really did not fold the paper so that would be what she sees first, it was really the way I crammed it into my pocket. I have to acknowledge that up until January 2010, I have been existing, not living. Really living...there is a difference between just showing up and being ready to play. For so many years, I think I was just showing up, hoping that it would be good enough. Now, I am ready to play. It seemed to work for the last 41 years. It took someone to really believe in me - and with nothing to gain for herself - for me to believe in me. Doing nothing serves no one and is easy. Anyone can do nothing, but it is a huge price to pay. It takes courage and strength to do more and determine what needs to be done. Take the leap today and BE READY TO PLAY!!