FEAR is a 4 letter word

For being a strong-willed, self-confident woman in her 40's, I never realized how much fear I have. I believe we all have fear - we cannot be brave all of the time. It can paralyze the best of us into doing nothing and playing it safe. Or, even worse, it can cause us to retreat and move in a direction that is back and not forward. It is so easy to tell people what we want to be different but it is extremely difficult to actually do it. I once told someone that, "The biggest dilemma will not be figuring out what we are meant to do. It will be having the courage to do it." Recently, I heard the word "vulnerable" as someone asked me if I ever show that side of me. I had not heard it in a long time and it made me think. If we admit we are fearful, then we might also admit that we are vulnerable. I don't think anyone would like to admit that they are vulnerable, because that may be interpreted as weak. I also realized that I do not let people see my "vulnerable" side - not even in front of my husband. I never let him see me cry. The one day this year he did, he said, "What are you crying for?" That kind of ruined it for me. This year, I have done more self-reflecting and soul-searching that I have done in my life. Do you have a fear that keeps you from following your dreams? What are you doing to overcome that fear? My biggest fear is failure - and everyone seeing that I failed. I realize I cannot be perfect, but I try to be perfect in front of others. It is hard and makes me take a deep breath everytime I think about it. FEAR is a four-lettered word we should try to eliminate from our vocabulary. FEARLESS is twice as long so must be twice as strong. :-)

Constant challenges

They are everywhere. I find myself knowing what needs to be done, but am still being the ever "cautious and play it safe" girl I have always been. Some situations require that, but most of the time it is just in my head. I need to continue to remind myself of everything that I want to change, but am afraid to. Afraid of disappointment, of failing, of getting hurt, and the list goes on. It makes me sad when I think about how I could be, but deep down I know I am not there yet, completely. Most days are better than others, but when given new challenges, old habits want to creap their way back in. I have to find ways to overcome and keep those old thoughts away so that I can continue to be the person I need/want to be. I have reminded others lately that I do not like any attention on me. A co-worker asked me earlier this week if I had been losing weight. I shrugged it off and said "maybe". You and I both know the answer, but as much as I was grateful that she noticed, I also just wanted that conversation to be about anything else, but me. Even talking with my boss about my upcoming review makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because I expect any surprises or anything bad, but I don't want the the attention. Deep down...I know I need to let go of this fear and accept the challenges and need to quit trying to run from them. Doing so only leaves me back where I was, not further ahead, where I want to be. This is so hard, but I know will be worth it. Have an AWESOME day!

Crazy day - little bit of whining

I know most of us could probably agree that in most cases, Mondays can be crazy for whatever reasons. The day started out normal enough, but then things started happening. Weird, unusual, and out of the ordinary. I was asked by someone new to speak at one their monthly meetings about motivation. This would take place probably in September and I would have about 45 minutes to talk. I have bits and pieces for the first talk I was asked to give (but have yet to give it yet - maybe November), but nothing is finalized yet. I don't even have a powerpoint put together or an outline. I was totally speechless when I read the email. I called a friend and I whined. I knew that was going to be the intention of the call and she dismissed me because she knows I'll do it. In truth, I could not even speak when she first answered the phone - like someone had kicked me in the gut. She really is an awesome friend. I guess even though I talk about all these things I could do, want to do, etc, I don't usually follow through without some grumbling first. Today, I was also given a music CD with some very specific songs on it that was burned just for me. I know some of it is meant to be motivational (to run to in the am), some of it is meant to encourage me to continue the path my life is taking. I also know that with everything I have learned over these months I cannot go back and that this is all meant to be. Why is this so difficult? I found this quote today by Leo Buscaglia -“It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.” How ironic that I find this on a day when all of these other things (that happen for reasons) occurred? It will make sense to me soon...

Getting frustrated?

I am. It has been a rough week. Physically exhausting for various reasons, emotionally draining, and I am just feeling like I am being run down. These last few days, I have just been feeling like I keep doing things for other people and am not taking time for me. I feel like I just need to get away, even for a couple of hours, and put everything else on hold. It does not help that it all kind of happened in one week. Monday, I was feeling very unmotivated. I didn't run (the weather guy said it would be raining when I would be up, so I didn't go) and I could have. I know I am pushing myself to run more, especially since I found out this weekend that I will now have to run three times as long to meet my new goal for September. I have not even gotten up to running twice as long, let alone three times! This blog is not meant to be a downer, but life sometimes is, so I am not hiding anything. By the time any of you read this, I will be long past this, but I am fairly confident that you all have been here. It will pass, I know. I have to keep going. No one else will do it for me. Have a great day!

Men don't get it

Ok, before you think this is a men-bashing post, you are wrong. Most, if not all, of you will agree with me. I love my husband dearly as we approach our 21st wedding anniversary next week. If you have been following along since the beginning, you know that I have been making internal and external changes to myself. This journey has been a mind-SHIFT of where I was and where I want to be and how I can get there. I have also started exercising as well and have had some success there as well. My husband has noticed those external changes and has made nice comments that motivate me to continue. I would do it for me anyway, but it is still nice for him to say. But when I try to talk to him about this blog, or any of the other "soul-changing" thoughts I have, he tunes out. He doesn't need to know how a hug given to a co-worker made their day or how I feel more empowered than I have in so many years. He doesn't need to get it. Ultimately, if I am happy and continue to live my life as I have (you and I both know it is better :-), then that is all he cares about. Most of the books I have read are not written by men. Women have a unique vocabulary and way of looking at the world. We continue to try to save it, while the men just accept it "for what it is." However, we need men to be our supporters and even if they don't get it, they are there for us. We are grateful for that. Have a wonderful day!

Embrace the journey...

This process began as something unexpected, something new, something exciting, something fearful. In over 6 months, this journey continues to amaze me. Looking back, I am not even sure how I got here. Some of my biggest questions have been, " How did this happen?", "Will it go away?", "Why me?", etc. I have noticed great changes in my outlook and perspective on life and cannot imagine it being any different. Sometimes, I am upset when I feel like I have wasted time that I could have spent being here some time ago. But it was not meant to be. Recently, I have learned more about myself than I have learned in a very long time. I have reflected on my past, my present, and my future. As I have been willing to share more of myself and be less fearful, I have received more of others that have been willing to do the same. Since this all began, my vocabulary has changed dramatically. Postitive Attitude (more to come on this), Perseverence, Success, Vision, Growth, and the list continues. Sure, these were words that I used in casual conversation, but never did they become the back bone of what my life would be develop to be. I tell people that just get to know me, "What you see is what you get." That has never been a lie. However, it has been not a total truth because I have only been willing for people to see parts of me. Yet once the parts are put together, can one be whole. I have taken a journey I did not expect to take and have questioned, failed to understand the purpose (at times), been amazed by it, and have wondered where it leads to next. Someone once told me to "enjoy the ride". I have been doing that. I have even just tolerated the journey because it seemed meaningless to me on that particular day. Then, yesterday, I was reminded to embrace the journey. Embrace - to accept gladly and willingly - is something I had yet to do as I travel on this quest. I had accepted this as the way it was, but never really took hold of it, as in giving and receiving a hug. To really hold on and not wanting to let go. To treasure it so much that I would never want to lose it. Depending on what is being given and received, some embraces we wish would never end. I am there.