Some situations are just difficult

I know this seems redundant, but I seem to be in more situations that make me feel uncomfortable and then I turn into something I am not. Fear kicks in and then I regret later. Point is that I do not like attention on me - it can be on my sons or something I am talking about, but not me. Even though the attention is good, I just don't like the fuss. Just let me quietly sneak out the back door and let it be over. I am good with that. Even when I was younger and attention came my way, I didn't like it. There is a picture of me when I was in 9th grade where I am accepting one of many awards that day, but you would think that I was going to jail based on my facial expression. Accolades and nice compliments should make me happy, but for some reason, I want to run from them as fast as I can. In my job, some people believe that because I am out in the community and meeting new people that I am someone that thrives on that kind of attention. Truth is, I would much rather do something anonomously than ever receive a hint of credit. I am a giver by nature and do not receive well. Recently, I have been called the "b" word - no it is not what you think. "Beautiful" is what has been mentioned to me over the course of a couple of weeks, and I would never in a million years use that word as a way to describe me. There are many other ways to describe me, but as this online journal seems to be taking on a life of its own, I have to be ready to go into unchartered waters. I have to swallow hard and "embrace the journey" that is before me. I love being me now that I let the world see it, but just wish people wouldn't notice, that's all. How is that for a conundrum? If I can find a way to get over this, and accept (maybe not welcome - that might be a stretch right now) whatever attention comes my way, then that will be big. The most important step we ever take is the first one. Have a fantabulous Friday!

Letting go

I will be the first one to admit that there are things worth fighting for and about, whether in principle or for those you love. When people are in the fighting mood, I am reminded of a quote by John Ortberg, "People will always be opposed to whatever threatens to destroy what they love." For some strange reason, I still think I am in control so I hold on tight - even to those things I cannot control. I was reminded today to find something (anything) positive in a situation that happened this week, that I could only find the negative in. I felt lost, in unfamiliar territory, with no real direction of where to go or how I would even get there. Like being on a ride at the amusement park you didn't want to get on to begin with, and you don't know how to get off, and you cannot seem to communicate with the guy running the controls to tell him that you want the ride to be over. I was relying on someone that I kept telling myself that I shouldn't need to rely on. I don't seek attention and actually defer to something else (anything else!) to get the attention off of me. Unfortunately, I thought holding tight would make it go away. It didn't quite work that way. Regardless of what else goes on around me, I can only control me - my thoughts, my actions, and what I do with both. I needed to revisit what I believe - even if I didn't want to - but I had to in order to move forward. Everything that I hold dear, everyone that cares for me, every thought and every dream that I have ever had requires me to let go. I have to ask for forgiveness and give it to others. I have to tell those people that I love them every chance I get. I have to force myself to allow others to give themselves freely to me, just as I would give to them. For the majority of my life, I have wondered if I was deserving of anything good. And even if something good came my way, I expected it to be temporary. I have been married for almost 22 years and have held on tight to that relationship and yet I find it so difficult to let others in. Again, not being able to control if others care about me and love me. I have to let go of any walls...let go of trying to control of other people's thoughts and actions...let go of thinking that I still have a say. Monday, I did not have a say and I really (REALLY) did not like it. Today, I was told that someone deserves me and that she was not going to let go. And she didn't. Letting go and "going with the flow" is easier said than done sometimes. At that point, when you finally quit fighting and surrender to letting it go and letting it in, you learn to accept and be thankful for your blessings. I was just reminded of something I often say to my boys - "It could be better, but it could also be worse." It could be worse - I could not have a family or friends that love me - that would do anything for me. I have to let go. A friend and I have a little thing we do when we are done with the last word about a topic, so here goes. "I'm letting go. Just saying."

Constant challenges

They are everywhere. I find myself knowing what needs to be done, but am still being the ever "cautious and play it safe" girl I have always been. Some situations require that, but most of the time it is just in my head. I need to continue to remind myself of everything that I want to change, but am afraid to. Afraid of disappointment, of failing, of getting hurt, and the list goes on. It makes me sad when I think about how I could be, but deep down I know I am not there yet, completely. Most days are better than others, but when given new challenges, old habits want to creap their way back in. I have to find ways to overcome and keep those old thoughts away so that I can continue to be the person I need/want to be. I have reminded others lately that I do not like any attention on me. A co-worker asked me earlier this week if I had been losing weight. I shrugged it off and said "maybe". You and I both know the answer, but as much as I was grateful that she noticed, I also just wanted that conversation to be about anything else, but me. Even talking with my boss about my upcoming review makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because I expect any surprises or anything bad, but I don't want the the attention. Deep down...I know I need to let go of this fear and accept the challenges and need to quit trying to run from them. Doing so only leaves me back where I was, not further ahead, where I want to be. This is so hard, but I know will be worth it. Have an AWESOME day!