The Jolt

You know what I'm talking about? When you get that little knock upside the head that kind of gets your attention? Sometimes it even blind sides you? Where you just need to focus more on something else that what you have been focusing on? I got that last week. it has been a long time coming, but it was something I held on to, thinking I could keep it safe. But, I had to let it go. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But the Jolt wasn't the letting go, it was the faith that came after I let it go. The Jolt was the realization that I could never keep what I wanted UNLESS I let it go. And I made that choice. This is part of that rollercoaster ride of life we are all on, and I must be on some part of the track I didn't see around a corner, because I never saw this coming. But it is here and I cannot ignore it. Every day, the reflection of the choice becomes easier and easier, even though it is not a decision I would have ever thought I would have to make. The Jolt forces me to look for that which I cannot see, but can only feel. It reminds me of what I know to be true, even when doubt tries to creep in and tempt me with questions. The Jolt keeps me grounded to everything I believe and that is what keeps me going. The Jolt is a test to gives me courage and makes me find strength I never thought I had. The Jolt is here for a reason and I will follow its lead, not knowing where are headed, but because I believe in the letting go, I also have to believe in the coming back. Whenever that day may be.

Expectation and Disappointment

There is no one in this world that has not had both of these in their lives at one time or another. Expectation is what comes before and sometimes, there is disappointment after. Whether it is trying out for a select baseball team that you don't make because your skills don't match the quality of the team. Whether is the job you interview for and walking out thinking you nailed it, but you didn't. Whether it is the washing machine that just stops before the spin cycle so you have to wring out your clothes. Whether it is the hours we spend exercising at the gym only to find out we lost 2 pounds. Whether it is words not said or deeds left undone. It can be very difficult not to have some expectations, isn't it? How do you completely have none? We have expectation because something is desired and wanted from the action we are taking. Or we place those expectations on somethone else, and they don't even know it. We are hoping for our desired outcome. But, as we all know, at times, disappointment comes instead. When our sails seem to deflate and we lower our head just a bit and everyone seems to know what that looks like. Some people carry disappointment with them for a very long time and it becomes a part of their heart. But disappointment hurts, but we control how long it hurts. Excuses become reasons for everything. We have all been there. So, if there are expectations that you have, try to let go of them. I know it's hard. "It will happen as it is meant to happen." When you get disappointed, try to let go of that as quickly as you can too. Everything happens for a reason. Work on being a better baseball player...figure out what you could've done so you get the next job...maybe you get a new washer out of it...try a different exercise and see if that changes things...forgive those for the words or deeds they have forgotten. We all share these same moments in our life and need to remember that like most things, they will come and go. HAPPY FUN DIP WEDNESDAY!

When the tears come

Has this ever happened to you? When you crumble and weep and hope that there is someone there to hold you? When for whatever reason, you find yourself ready to cash it all in and not even sure how to stop it, but it comes anyway? When something you hope for so long will finally be yours, but not sure that what you give to it will be enough? You feel lost and not even sure what prompted it, but it takes you there and you have to go through it. Everything you trust, all that you love, and with complete conviction, you find yourself crying like you have never cried before. You are not even afraid of what it may look like or what comes your way because of it, but find yourself more vulnerable and raw than you can remember. You let the tears fall where they do and you have no choice but to let them stain the shoulder they gently come to rest upon. The way you lay it all out there with no ways to retrace your steps, you admit that you choose to take that chance of letting someone else see you at your weakest moment. You let go of whatever it is that has driven you to this point and upon its release and the comfort you found in sharing this, you realize that you needed this to happen. It was meant to. This had a purpose in your life and you embrace it with all of its grace that comes to you going forward. As much as I would prefer to be the one with the stained shoulder, I have also been the one to be staining the shoulder. We will have our time to be both from time to time. Just admit it...the tears will come...let them do their job and cleanse us from whatever needs to be shed. Thank you for being my shoulder. I am glad I was yours.

Never settle

I always find it interesting where inspirations for this blog come from. Sometimes, it comes from a song I hear (I have a collection of "Songs to inspire", some of which are listed on my home page), or a phrase I heard. Many times, it comes from something that is said, but the reference in which those words were said might be in a different context than what is written here. I have settled in my life...who hasn't? Where we accept what we see right now, as being all that we will ever see. That it can never be different. It can be hard when things you have are not the way things should be, and changing those things sometimes is easy. Others, not so much. I have been given something that I have never had before. NEVER. Even though I may have wanted it in the past, it never came my way for one reason or another and I accepted that. I had closed that door as one that would never open, and then when it came my way in a fashion I did not expect, I was in shock. Really. Don't settle being in a marriage that is loveless. Don't settle for a job that you feel obligated to keep because there are bills to pay. Don't settle doing things that no longer make you happy. Don't settle for the "I can't" mentality because that is easy. I have come a long way in many ways over these last 20 months. I am grateful for the changes I make in my own life, that somehow in a crazy way, might inspire you to change your life as well. We all need that. We need to know we are not alone. We need to know that we have permission to want and need more and it is not being selfish when we express those wants and needs. We can serve others when we serve ourselves first. I have experienced something that I had only dreamed about, but never really accepted as something that would be for me. It was for others. But not for me. It couldn't be. It didn't happen that way for me. And now that I am in the thick of it, I want it. Even when it is hard, I need it. I feel guilty for needing and wanting it, but now that I have it, I never want it to go away. The guilt would never equal the longing for it should its time with me come to an end and I would miss it for the rest of my life. And I would grieve all of the "yesterdays" that never were. Never settle...this is the way it is supposed to be. JS.

Being "gooey"

I was watching a movie this weekend and there is a line that I could not help but think about and needed to remind myself to write about. One character says to another, "...on the outside you are tough, but on the inside you are quite gooey." Yes, she said gooey. Maybe what caught my attention was that we don't usually hear the word, "gooey" said very often. I thought about me. I show the world my strength, my courage, my ability to stand firm when inside I might feel weak, feel fear, and want to run in certain situations. But I am learning. All the time. On the inside, at least lately, I have been quite "gooey". Admittedly so, when I let my walls come down. They came down a lot this weekend. I wish it was easier, but someone told me that she was glad that it wasn't. I guess if it was easier, everyone would do it. Then it wouldn't mean as much. Maybe I would've done it a long time ago. I am constantly reminded about what I have done and what I have yet to do and they are no where close to being the same. Sometimes, we have to be tough and stand our ground and when we are alone or with someone we unconditionally trust, we can be "gooey."

I give up

No, no, no...not what you are thinking. Yesterday, I really, FINALLY, let go of something that I think I still didn't believe. I was wasting time and energy on trying to accomplish something that I really was not going to succeed at anyway. I told a dear mom Saturday night at what I kept trying to do, but she was very grateful that I had not succeeded. Everyone knows how much I love a challenge, but she also knew what I was up against. Her heart was in it for the long hall, too, as she gave me another hug. Monday, another comment comes my way that takes me by surprise and reassurances abound where doubt and self-sabotage had taken over. Yesterday, I gave up trying to fight against something I didn't want anyway. I know, I know...I tell you to never give up. But this is a good surrender. Once I did, my day just went awesome. I took care of some ideas that I am trying to move forward so that they become reality and do not continue to live in my head. What are you holding on to that you need to give up? Something that does more damage than good? Someone that is more harmful and helpful? Take a good look around - I am sure you can find something or someone that you need to give up. Do not get me wrong - do the good fight for the good things, but do not be willing to surrender what you love because it is easy. I am done questioning and believe what is in front of me. No prejudging, no shaking my head in disbelief. Accept and surrender to what is there in front of me, right now. Give it my everything, "all in", and let me be me. I give up. Now, I have one less thing to worry about and put my energy into so that I can really focus on what needs to be done...what drives me in a way I never thought anything ever would. Get rid of things in your life (thoughts, people, tasks) that weigh you down. They get heavy and you need to devote more time into those things that boost you up. There is never a shortage of anchors lying around, but people certainly get excited when they see a hot air balloon, don't they? Be a hot air balloon today. People will notice...just watch. SOAR!!!!!

Can't Do It All

This was my way of life for as long as I can remember. I was predisposed to an environment that gave me no choice but to rely solely on me. No one else. I still fight this every day because it is so hard-wired into who I have been that it is hard for me to "over-ride" that part of the system. I told you about S.E.L.T. some posts ago and because of the Survival instinct that kicked in (at about 14 years old), I was determined to do the best I could all the time. Even now, people think I try to be "Wonder Woman" and they are usually pretty close to hitting the nail on the head. Do you ever have this thought in your head? Do you try to be everything to everyone all the time? You are setting yourself up for failure if you have this type of thinking. You cannot be everything to everyone all of the time. You are lucky if you are meeting that goal half of the time. Let it go. Yes, it will be hard and you will have to tell yourself this over and over until what really matters most to whom it matters when it matters will only be left. I may have to make decisions about some changes in my life that I never thought I would have to make, nor did I see that as something that I would not continue to be involved in for several more years. But as I look deeper at what I want, what really drives me and sends me almost skipping down the street when I share it with Rock, some things have served their purpose. We have to walk away from those things and those people that no longer assist you. Be willing to set things down that you no longer want to carry - eventually it will wear on you and no one looks good carrying all of that. That would be on an episode of "What Not to Wear". Don't deceive yourself into thinking you can do it all...you can't and the sooner you realize it, the better you will be. I promise.

Letting go

I will be the first one to admit that there are things worth fighting for and about, whether in principle or for those you love. When people are in the fighting mood, I am reminded of a quote by John Ortberg, "People will always be opposed to whatever threatens to destroy what they love." For some strange reason, I still think I am in control so I hold on tight - even to those things I cannot control. I was reminded today to find something (anything) positive in a situation that happened this week, that I could only find the negative in. I felt lost, in unfamiliar territory, with no real direction of where to go or how I would even get there. Like being on a ride at the amusement park you didn't want to get on to begin with, and you don't know how to get off, and you cannot seem to communicate with the guy running the controls to tell him that you want the ride to be over. I was relying on someone that I kept telling myself that I shouldn't need to rely on. I don't seek attention and actually defer to something else (anything else!) to get the attention off of me. Unfortunately, I thought holding tight would make it go away. It didn't quite work that way. Regardless of what else goes on around me, I can only control me - my thoughts, my actions, and what I do with both. I needed to revisit what I believe - even if I didn't want to - but I had to in order to move forward. Everything that I hold dear, everyone that cares for me, every thought and every dream that I have ever had requires me to let go. I have to ask for forgiveness and give it to others. I have to tell those people that I love them every chance I get. I have to force myself to allow others to give themselves freely to me, just as I would give to them. For the majority of my life, I have wondered if I was deserving of anything good. And even if something good came my way, I expected it to be temporary. I have been married for almost 22 years and have held on tight to that relationship and yet I find it so difficult to let others in. Again, not being able to control if others care about me and love me. I have to let go of any walls...let go of trying to control of other people's thoughts and actions...let go of thinking that I still have a say. Monday, I did not have a say and I really (REALLY) did not like it. Today, I was told that someone deserves me and that she was not going to let go. And she didn't. Letting go and "going with the flow" is easier said than done sometimes. At that point, when you finally quit fighting and surrender to letting it go and letting it in, you learn to accept and be thankful for your blessings. I was just reminded of something I often say to my boys - "It could be better, but it could also be worse." It could be worse - I could not have a family or friends that love me - that would do anything for me. I have to let go. A friend and I have a little thing we do when we are done with the last word about a topic, so here goes. "I'm letting go. Just saying."

Not my problem

Now, before you go to another page, hear me out. I came up with this phrase about 2 years ago when my oldest son was a senior in high school. I was trying (I thought) to encourage and guide him on the things he needed to do to submit applications for college, complete scholarships, schedule trips to schools, etc. His attitude always seemed like, "I'll get to it when I get to it." It made me want to seriously hurt him (I didn't). But once I took a step back and I realized that his future was not my problem, my life was so much easier. As parents, our job was just about over and ultimately, his future should mean more to him than it does to us. That is when I came up with this phrase - "Not my problem." It was so liberating. I had let go of all of the anxiousness that I had been carrying, but it wasn't mine to carry. Anyway, I have shared that with everyone who had asked how the senior year went. Here's how small the world is...in the spring of 2009, I had told a fellow baseball mom about "Not my problem." I don't see her very much, but she is always fun to talk to. when I do see her. Then, almost a year ago, I meet Rocky, and eventually her mom. I mention to her mom about that I know Rocky's sister (the baseball mom), but never knew they were sisters. Seriously? They really don't look alike at all. Anyway, her mom starts telling me that baseball mom says, "Not my problem" all the time and she has always wondered where she got it from. I tell her from me. Now, you may be asking yourself, what is the point of this post? If you haven't picked up on it yet, I work with kids and sometimes get an opportunity to visit with them about stuff going on in their lives. A few months ago, a young man and I had such a visit. He is in the middle of a horrible custody battle between his parents, which has affected him on most levels. Anyway, I had made a point to tell him that his parents's problems were not his problems, so he needed to focus on taking care of himself. Here is where it gets interesting...yesterday, when he was in court, he told the Judge that! He said, "Their problems are their problems. It is not my problem." Now, only he and I know that we had that conversation, but I could not stop thinking about it, so I wrote about it. There are signs everywhere, guiding us where we need to go and do. I think this is telling me I might be on the right track. Have a wonderful weekend. I am not sure that I will get to post before the holiday, but wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. If this is what 2010 has been like, I wonder what 2011 will be about!