Sometimes, life is just hard

It is difficult to know what to do next...actually, that is not true. It is easy to know what to do next when I allow my heart to lead, but reality sets in and makes me take stock of what else I must consider. Other issues outside of this makes it hard to fix as well. I have asked people I trust what I can do to rectify that situation and they are at a loss just as much as I am. How can I explain what I feel deep down and what I believe my destiny is to someone that is not necessarily speaking the same language I am? I know that what I am taking on will take more of my already time-consumed day, where I have to balance everything I have in it. How? One breath at a time is the only answer I can come up with right now. I know this is just temporary and I will get through it. Not sure how or when, but I will. We are presented with small reminders of what makes us realize that we cannot get where we want to go, without some small hurdles and detours. I was planning on spending some time this weekend to get some things done that need almost immediate atttention, but I did pretty much none of it. I felt deflated, like a balloon slowly losing air. However, I will not be defeated. This is a test...and it will pass. I just have to keep working at it and eventually success and triumph will come my way. I know this post is not one of the familiar ones you might be used to, but this one is real-life and you all can relate to it. Some days, I don't feel like I show my "moxie" or "bloom". Need to go for a run and clear my head. Hope your day is a great one.

Letting go

I will be the first one to admit that there are things worth fighting for and about, whether in principle or for those you love. When people are in the fighting mood, I am reminded of a quote by John Ortberg, "People will always be opposed to whatever threatens to destroy what they love." For some strange reason, I still think I am in control so I hold on tight - even to those things I cannot control. I was reminded today to find something (anything) positive in a situation that happened this week, that I could only find the negative in. I felt lost, in unfamiliar territory, with no real direction of where to go or how I would even get there. Like being on a ride at the amusement park you didn't want to get on to begin with, and you don't know how to get off, and you cannot seem to communicate with the guy running the controls to tell him that you want the ride to be over. I was relying on someone that I kept telling myself that I shouldn't need to rely on. I don't seek attention and actually defer to something else (anything else!) to get the attention off of me. Unfortunately, I thought holding tight would make it go away. It didn't quite work that way. Regardless of what else goes on around me, I can only control me - my thoughts, my actions, and what I do with both. I needed to revisit what I believe - even if I didn't want to - but I had to in order to move forward. Everything that I hold dear, everyone that cares for me, every thought and every dream that I have ever had requires me to let go. I have to ask for forgiveness and give it to others. I have to tell those people that I love them every chance I get. I have to force myself to allow others to give themselves freely to me, just as I would give to them. For the majority of my life, I have wondered if I was deserving of anything good. And even if something good came my way, I expected it to be temporary. I have been married for almost 22 years and have held on tight to that relationship and yet I find it so difficult to let others in. Again, not being able to control if others care about me and love me. I have to let go of any walls...let go of trying to control of other people's thoughts and actions...let go of thinking that I still have a say. Monday, I did not have a say and I really (REALLY) did not like it. Today, I was told that someone deserves me and that she was not going to let go. And she didn't. Letting go and "going with the flow" is easier said than done sometimes. At that point, when you finally quit fighting and surrender to letting it go and letting it in, you learn to accept and be thankful for your blessings. I was just reminded of something I often say to my boys - "It could be better, but it could also be worse." It could be worse - I could not have a family or friends that love me - that would do anything for me. I have to let go. A friend and I have a little thing we do when we are done with the last word about a topic, so here goes. "I'm letting go. Just saying."

Practice what I Preach

I am at a crossroads, looking for signs on what to do next every where. If you see one, please let me know. I found myself in two different conversations over the last 24 hours that as I was processing my thoughts and giving input to others, I realized (sometimes in mid-sentence) exactly what I was saying to others, I needed to hear as well. My oldest son was sharing with me about someone he knew that appeared to him to always take the easy way out of difficult circumstances. I politely reminded our son that "our family does not quit something because it is difficult. We go through it BECAUSE it is difficult." Do you remember when I mentioned the speed bump that was in front of me on the road I am traveling? Well, that speed bump was tackled and yet a few more have appeared, and we will see what happens then. Then, my sister calls who is struggling with taking on a full time job after been without work since February of last year, but she also has been at home with her son since he was born in September. She can tell me every reason to take on the new responsibilities and her reason for not is she feels like she will be taking time away from her son. I get that. I was encouraging her to look at the bigger picture, not just what she could see now - wanting her to see things that are not even present yet. Last night, I was wondering if those two were signs about a potential decision that I may have to make and what steps do I need to take to make that decision, should it be necessary. Yesterday, I wrote, "It is more difficult to pursue our dreams than it is to give up on those that were never meant to be." We need to find the courage to follow those dreams, regardless of what they are or when they will happen. We have to believe in them in order for them to become reality. Giving advice is easy - taking it is another. I have wonderful friends who believe in my dream and are always supportive. Yesterday, one told me that this may not be happening the way I expected it to, but maybe those speed bumps are there for reasons also. I don't like the saying, "It is what it is" so I changed it to, "It is as it is meant to be." I guess it all comes down to me needing to practice. I am working on it. Get your MOXIE on!

Being tested...

Ok...a minor speed bump has developed as I pursue my passion. Maybe not even a speed bump, but I fear it will be there. There is also a possible detour along the same route. None of this is set in stone yet, but some fear has settled where it does not belong. I need it to go away. After lunch, I got really upset and wasn't sure that I would have the courage to go over that speed bump. But, that became a minor issue when I saw the possible detour that will really be a bigger test. It will challenge me to put all of my faith into my dream. Last week, Rocky asked me what I would do if the detour showed up and asked what decision would I choose if I had to. It was easy to say that I would take the detour, of course, not really thinking that it would really present itself, possibly even so quickly. Actually, as I swallowed hard, I know what I would have to do. I cannot go back and cannot be stifled into standing still. Therefore, I have but one choice. I must go forward. I have to be willing to follow the same advice I give to others if I am going to continue to change my life. Expecting that this would be easy would have been inrresponsible of me and not realistic. I am unable to study for this test, and yet it will be here shortly. I have to take care of the speed bump first. I am at a standstill if I do not. I KNOW what I have to do. I just don't want to. Have you ever been in a situation like this? Maybe you have to tell a kid who tried out for your team that he didn't make the cut. Maybe it was telling your son or daughter than a loved one passed away. I understand that being tested is just part of life. I recall a conversation I had with our older son just a few days ago about how these types of situations are there for their own purpose - to find out if you are going to man up or quit. He wants to know how serious you are about what He has in store for you. That is all this is....otherwise known as a test. Stay tuned for further updates.

Adversity makes you stronger

I was talking with our youngest son this morning about something not related to this blog and I told him, "Adversity makes you stronger." He told me he did not know what that meant. That got me thinking...I know, watch out. Adversity is never anything we wish for because that means that there are struggles and no one likes to struggle. No one wishes that their loved ones struggle. Yet, it is there for all of us. Sometimes, even when we don't think it will be. I spent the next few minutes trying to explain to him that if everything came "easy", then it wouldn't mean as much nor would you feel like you had to work for it. In our family, we have raised our sons not to quit because something got difficult - we have taught them to work harder to get through it because it is difficult. My oldest son had a baseball shirt that read, "We never said it would be easy. We said it would be worth it." I see so many parents in my job that want to make their kids' mistakes "go away" because that is easy. We also believe in sending the message so expectations are never hidden. When we are down, on our knees, feeling like we do not have the strength to stand, that is when it all comes from within. The strength to stand and fight for what we want - to do all we can to make it better than it was before. We cannot win all of the time at everything - no one can. But we can always reach for success and keep trying. Wayne Gretzky said, "100% of the shots you never take ever go in." You are going to fail so expect that to happen. But you will learn something each time you do. You will learn what kind of person you are and what you want and what you are willing to do to get what you want. Adversity comes in many different forms - in comes in people, situations, and things that we will never be able to change. Be strong today. You will be grateful that you did. Imagine what you can do with the strength you now have!!

Take care of me first

I received an email yesterday from a co-worker that literally took my breath away. Now, those that know me know that I love to talk so for me to be almost speechless, it must have really set me reeling. Here it is - "Before you can be anything to anyone, you must first be everything to yourself." - Taylor Thornton. I realized that I cannot serve others unless I serve myself first. I had temporarily lost track of why I am here, writing several times a week, and what dream I am dreaming. I have to continue doing my thing and other things that are not in sync will come at their own time. I have to trust that and have faith. I have to let those things be and they will change on their own. I have no control over any of it. I know this is going to sound funny, but I am really looking forward to next week - the overnight temperatures might be in the mid 20's so I can get out and run. The elliptical is still not doing it for me like running does. I am especially looking forward to March when the temperatures will be a little more realiable. I was recently asked to participate in a half-marathon with a friend from work in October. I am so excited! I have learned over the last month that I am capable of doing more than I think I can, because I believe I can. Attitude is key when adversity shows its ugliness, when we question and doubt, when we feel lost. At those times, we might feel like a dead battery in a car - we cannot do anything, regardless of how many people try. But it is when we get a "jump start" that we roar back to life and we are back to normal. All of our lights work, and we can go places, and we function like we are supposed to again. I am sure we all feel like a dead battery at times. Every week when I say goodbye to my mom, she tells me to "take care of yourself" - I just tell her that I have to because no one else will do it and I am no good to others if I don't. Remember to take care of yourself.

Everyone has struggles

I have missed a very dear friend, who was hurting, but I did not know it. She has been feeling like she has spiraled out of control and is so far down, she does not know how to get back to where she was before. I know most of it may be work related but work is not who we are - it should not define us. Last night, after not hearing from her for some time, she reached out to me. I would have loved to hear her voice, or better yet, to see her, but it came via the web. It still came. It was unlike her not to communicate with me for so long, and she knew I was having my own struggles and wanted to be there for me. Instead, she has closed herself off from the world. We all hit rock bottom in our life - when the well surrounding us seems to make us feel more contained and afraid; when we don't remember how we got there to even see if we can go back; when we cannot see any light to guide us in another direction; when we are in great despair. It is only then when we have to reach for others to help us because we will not be able to do it alone. We have to trust that those that we know will be there, are truly there. Her self-contained prison has made me very sad for her because I am there to help, but she has to want my help. I have left the decision up to her and will wait to hear from her, which I hope is soon. Are there people in your life that are having their own struggles? Maybe even those you don't know about? Have you reached out to them? Please don't think that because they don't tell you what is going on that they don't want to; maybe they just don't know how. I told her more than once (ok, maybe 4 times), "Don't give up." Don't quit on me, on anything she holds near to her heart, on life. The ironic thing is that one of the last things she said to me (in a different context) was, "Don't quit." I want to give her a hug and tell her that it will be ok. We keep working on asking the questions and wait for the answers. The answers will never come if we are not willing to ask the questions. It is not something that we have to decide today, tomorrow, or even this week. Keep reaching out to those you love and tell them exactly how you feel, even if it means asking for forgiveness or telling them what they mean to you. Some time ago, I had decided to let Rocky not just see the good, but the bad and the ugly too because that is real life. She especially wanted to see the bad and ugly, not because she wished that for me, but that I would share that with her. Let your friends and family help when the bad and ugly show up at your doorstep. Eventually it comes to all of us, and as long as we have people that will help us out of that well we will always be bonded together because of sharing that moment. One of my favorite sayings is, "Not my problem." Make your loved ones' struggles your problem and do not let them push you to the curb. Be there for them. You will not regret it and neither will they.

"That's how winning is done"

Weather here over the last few days has been downright miserable, but no sense in worrying about it or complaining - it doesn't change anything. Things have gotten better since I had to pick myself back up this week. Some times it is harder than others to do that, but we know we have to in order to move forward. The quote above is from a "Rocky" movie - yes, another Rocky comment. We can blame my Rocky. In part of the theme song, Rocky comes on to say, "It is not how hard you get hit, but how how you can get hit and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done." I am not one to just give up and quit. Even when I was younger, my dad tried to use reverse psychology and say, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Just quit then." I never wanted to quit at anything because then I would feel that whatever I had failed at had won. I don't handle that too well. I want to feel successful at just about everything I try and do. Regardless of how much time I practice it, I expect to play golf like the pros, even though it might have been a year (or longer) since I picked up a club. I am very competitive, but not against others. Against myself. Although, my expectations are lowered since having kids and I have noticed that they are (at times) just as competitive as I was when I was their age. How many of us are better at preaching about what we should do, but sometimes forget to practice it? My hand went up, did yours? Winning isn't always about there being a winner and thus, a loser. It is about being better than you were, so when we get knocked down, we have to get back up and keep trying. Over the weekend, my husband and I were flipping through the channels and found the X-Games for the para skiers. These guys have no movement in their legs and some have no legs at all. I think I overheard one announcer say this one skier lost his legs due to an IED over in Afghanistan or Iraq. Was he sitting at home, eating Cheetos and being lazy? No, this guy is out there competing with other men who sit on a specially formulated seat with one ski in a race. Now, I cannot ski to save my life - I don't like the feeling of being out of control, so I am really the Queen of the snow plow. I was truly humbled in watching these men and think of them as I type this post. They have been hit hard by circumstances that literally changed their lives and knocked them back, but they keep moving forward. Those are the kinds of attitudes and humbling sights that will ALWAYS motivate me to give my best. Even if I don't win. There is an old saying that comes to mind, "A winner never quits and a quitter never wins." Be winners today and even when you think you have less to give or don't measure up, there is always someone out there that has less than you do and is making more use of that than you are. Stay warm and safe.

Don't give your power away

On Wednesday of this week, the day started awesome. Rocky came over for a run (with scarf and two sets of gloves) and we had an awesome time. It was great to see her and catch up. I get to work a little later and am feeling good, feeling fabulous, doing my thing. Then, I get a phone call from a woman who can put someone slightly on the edge. I know I am telling her things she does not want to hear, and before I can say anything else, she hangs up on me! If anyone had been in my office, you literally would have seen my jaw hit the floor. This woman is asking for my help and when I told her we were doing the best we could, she didn't even say "thank you" or "goodbye". I immediately called a co-worker (she had the priviledge of working with her last year), as I knew she would understand. The co-worker is laughing and tells me, "Don't give your power away." It was appropriate and very simple. My day had started great and because of one little insignificant episode, my great day took a little halt. But once I changed my attitude and did not give my power away, my fabulous day continued. Ask yourself, do I give my power away? I believe there are only two things we can ever control in our lives - attitude and effort. Attitude always come first and you never have a bad attitude and put forth good effort. Usually, they go hand in hand and unfortunately, are the same. So, your message for today is that if you are on cloud 9 and some little hiccup comes along to keep you in check, keep your power. Sometimes, it is all we have. Have a FANTABULOUS weekend!!!