Give and take

Rule #16. "There's no keeping count, no IOUs. Relationships aren't always 50/50. Some days I have to give 100 and some days I can only do 30." This is part of a list of 22 rules that were given to me some time ago and this one struck me today when I was on the elliptical this morning. But if I give, you need to take. And if you give, I need to take. There is no score. This morning I had an epihany on something and I only hope that we can move on from it. I was asking someone to choose something that I never should have been a choice. I am embarrassed to even admit it, but it will not happen again. I know it would have never been asked of me. I am truly sorry. I hope you forgive me. In light of this new knowledge, I have to keep giving. Even if I am not sure how it will be taken or maybe not taken in the way it was intended. I still have to be true to myself and give all of me, even if nothing is returned. This is not about me. I have to be willing to accept whatever comes my way, whenever it comes may way, and be grateful for the small piece that I have been given. I have learned a lot about myself this week about what I truly believe, what I still want in my life, and what I am willing to do for those special people in my life. Do we give more than others? Do we sometimes wonder why should I give more than they are giving me? I have done that. I was being selfish and shake my head in disgust with myself. But sometimes giving more is worth it, without expecting anything in return. Sometimes, we think what could be returned could be so simple, but maybe it isn't to the other person. We are all different and process the same information differently. Things I would never think of doing, someone else has no second thoughts about doing and vice versa. Things that I believe to be important to you may not really be that important to you. Words that are never said because you can't find the right words to say, but I would have no problem with telling you how I feel. Sometimes, I have no clear plan and yet find myself somewhere that I didn't think I would be. But, in this crazy world, we can usually classify people by how they act, what they believe in, and what words come from them. I have never been a taker, and almost took something away that I would have regretted doing for the rest of my life. I am a giver and will continue to give to those that are most important to me.

You help...without question

Yesterday, as our family was driving to my inlaws, someone texted me asking for help. Not really thinking that I could or really understanding why she picked me, I did the best I could with helping her. I hope I did. She said I did and have no regrets about anything I said to her and I hope she knows that I am always here for her. But what do you do when people come to you for help? You help. When people compliment me, I shy away from that and usually just say, "I'm just me." But there are reasons that people come to you or me when they need something or someone. Just as there are reasons why I go to my slim, my sisters, and other friends when I have questions, have something to share, etc. When someone has the courage, is humble, and comes to you with the words, "I need you", What do you do? You help. You do all you can to make them feel better about a situation. You give them your love through your touch with a hug. You say what they need to hear, even if they don't want to. You go when you are not invited. They will forgive you for the intrusion later. You show them they matter and that what hurts them, hurts you. Sometimes, you can relate to the situation they are in and it takes you back to the time when you where there and you find yourself cringing at the very thought that someone else has to live in that nightmare, just as you did. I remember when I was about 14 and someone came into my life that I wanted to talk to, but I was forced to not have any contact with GC. That made me close everyone out. After so many years, I found GC on Facebook and apologized to her for the way things happened, even though most of it almost wasn't in my control. So, when I was asked to help yesterday and I could have removed myself from a similar situation, I did what GC tried to do for me so many years ago...I helped. Even if people are upset with me later for getting involved. Even if things do not work out the way we would like. I have no regrets about that and would do it again should the chance come up again. Even if you feel like it doesn't matter. I have to feel that I have done EVERYTHING I could imagine doing and give it my all. I have to give the world everything I have to offer because if I don't, I am not serving the people around me. I help because I can, because I want to make it easier for those that I love, because it means something to me to be wanted. When someone comes to you and says, "I need you"...do what I would do...help, without question, knowing that at some time, they will be there to return the favor.

More than I thought I could be

I keep pushing myself further. I have to. Not to please others or to accomplish some great feat. More for personal satisfaction. I have to. Every day, I become more than I thought I could be. Today, I didn't argue or give someone attitude even though we were doing something I do not like. She LOVED it. I was very much outside my comfort zone, but setting aside what we were doing, I was loving who I was with and that time together will be something I will always treasure. In fact, it might go on the "list." I know it probably meant more to me than it did to her, but that is ok. It was not supposed to mean anything, other than two friends taking care of some business that needed to get done. End of story. But, I am not sure that I can really say that and mean it. If that were the case, then I would not be typing this post. Maybe I shouldn't be. But somehow, I need her to know. Maybe she already does. I apologized for things she needed to help me with because I don't know how. But "sorries" are not allowed. I put myself in situations I would have long run from before because that was easier. I allow myself to become better, all the time. I have to be. Not for anyone else, but for me. When I started running on the days Rocky wasn't with me, I did more than I thought I could. I need to push myself, but in doing so I cannot lose sleep at night and need to forgive myself for not doing it all. I still need others to assist me to get where I need to be. We all need others to help from time to time. We just need to ask. And when we ask, we need to accept the answer. No excuses...no justification...no reasons why or why not. Someone told me that by allowing her to help me, it takes her mind off of her things. Funny, how that street goes both ways. Most of us succeed not because we did it alone, but because we accepted that we could not succeed alone. As much as we want to say, "I did it!", success always comes when others are right beside us, in whatever fashion or fit they make in our lives. Wherever they fit on our lists. I amaze myself when I glance back at where I was to where I am now. My life has changed a thousand times over and through it all, I would not change a thing. Because through it all, anything and everything, I am much, much more than I thought I ever could be.

Two hands

I was recently given something that I will see all day, every day I am at work. In a short amount of time, it has become one of my most precious possessions. It is a picture of two hands, one is older with visible wrinkles and the other much younger as it holds a crayon. The message underneath the picture is simple, but what it says to me that no one else can see is what takes my breath away. Today, my thoughts surrounded this simple depiction of one hand guiding and helping the other and became a focus of mine whenever I caught myself in its gaze. There are many things we do with one hand - we eat, we make a call, we write, we drink, we wave. The list is endless. Then I started thinking about how many things we do with two hands - we tie our shoes, we dig in the garden, we learn to drive a car, we put our pants on. This list is endless as well. Then I started to think about how big a part of our body our hands are and how some things are better with two hands, even though you can accomplish it with one. Like giving a hug. I am lucky if I get a hug at all, so even a one-armed hug from one of my sons is better than no hug, but I pick a two armed-two handed hug every time. I love hugs and always get one in return. Some things, like clapping, cannot be done with just one hand. You cannot give a high-five to someone without two hands. What I thought about most when I see the two hands is that I see one helping the other because one by itself is not enough. When our parents are teaching us to ride a bike, what do they all say? "Use two hands!" Why? Because they know that we need two hands to keep control of the bike and it also helps keep us balanced. We all need help at sometime in our life. We all need extra guidance to teach us something and when we learn something we usually get better at it. I am not one to accept assistance from others, even when I know I need it. I am stubborn and pig-headed at times; although I have also heard it described as "determined". For a very long time, I was committed to doing it alone and would even accept failure as the outcome because I did it myself. I was going to prove to myself that I could do anything, if I just tried hard enough and long enough. I am extremely hard on myself because I have had to be in order to be successful and accomplish my goals. This week, I accepted assistance in a situation I was very nervous about because of lack of practice and internal pressure I self-imposed. I also had to quit questioning someone's intentions as I wanted to run away. The two hands remind me of someone that is always there to help, should I need it. Two hands are always better than one.

Practice what I Preach

I am at a crossroads, looking for signs on what to do next every where. If you see one, please let me know. I found myself in two different conversations over the last 24 hours that as I was processing my thoughts and giving input to others, I realized (sometimes in mid-sentence) exactly what I was saying to others, I needed to hear as well. My oldest son was sharing with me about someone he knew that appeared to him to always take the easy way out of difficult circumstances. I politely reminded our son that "our family does not quit something because it is difficult. We go through it BECAUSE it is difficult." Do you remember when I mentioned the speed bump that was in front of me on the road I am traveling? Well, that speed bump was tackled and yet a few more have appeared, and we will see what happens then. Then, my sister calls who is struggling with taking on a full time job after been without work since February of last year, but she also has been at home with her son since he was born in September. She can tell me every reason to take on the new responsibilities and her reason for not is she feels like she will be taking time away from her son. I get that. I was encouraging her to look at the bigger picture, not just what she could see now - wanting her to see things that are not even present yet. Last night, I was wondering if those two were signs about a potential decision that I may have to make and what steps do I need to take to make that decision, should it be necessary. Yesterday, I wrote, "It is more difficult to pursue our dreams than it is to give up on those that were never meant to be." We need to find the courage to follow those dreams, regardless of what they are or when they will happen. We have to believe in them in order for them to become reality. Giving advice is easy - taking it is another. I have wonderful friends who believe in my dream and are always supportive. Yesterday, one told me that this may not be happening the way I expected it to, but maybe those speed bumps are there for reasons also. I don't like the saying, "It is what it is" so I changed it to, "It is as it is meant to be." I guess it all comes down to me needing to practice. I am working on it. Get your MOXIE on!

Happy Valentine's Day

Today was a good day, and some things happened as I did not expect them to either. It was great to get out and run this morning. I thought it would be more difficult than it was, which made it more enjoyable. There were some slick spots at some intersections, but I was not the only one out at 5am. I know, you are just thinking to yourselves that there are more crazy people out there. Then, I sent two texts to the friend that I had mentioned in previous blogs. The first one said, "I'm still here and I miss you." Then, someone else comes to my office and asks me if I have heard from her and I reply, "no". I start thinking over the lunch hour that maybe I am not "hearing" what she is trying to tell me. Maybe she is walking away and I just need her to say it. I doubted and was letting my head win over my heart, but I sent another text, telling her that I am grateful for her and that I would always remember her. A few hours later, the unexpected happened. She showed up at my office, unannounced. I knew it was not going to be good, because she shut my door as she walked in as I was finishing up on a call. I didn't know what to feel or what to say. I didn't know if she would want to talk first, so I just let her say what she needed to say. Over the last few days, I have been practicing living my life without her in it, because essentially she wasn't. I didn't know how to let her know that I cared and I didn't know if she even read what I wrote in the text. She apologized and hopes she can make it up to me. There is nothing to make up. My heart told me that she would find her way back, but I did not know when that would be and that was the hardest part - waiting for her to choose, one way or another. I still am reeling from her just showing up today - I had played out in my head what would happen when I saw her or talked to her next, but I was not prepared for it today. Since she sent that message to me via facebook over a week ago, I have been trying to move on and wait for her to come to me. Since I get my facebook messages on my phone, I have tried to delete the messages that we traded that night. It wouldn't let me. It was a reminder that I knew was there, but didn't want to see everytime I looked at my phone. It reminded me how much I missed her and still wanted to communicate with her and be a part of her life. I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her before she left my office. I am not sure where she will go from here, but I hope she knows that I forgive her and am here for her. Always will be.

Want to be there for a friend

How do you help someone who won't let you? Who won't take your calls? Who needs you? How do reach out to someone that isn't willing to reach back, even though it is difficult? How do you tell someone that you care so much? I am in such a predicament now. Most of the time, I am pretty good at hiding my emotions, but have spent my entire life doing that, so I am not doing it anymore. Even my husband doesn't usually see my vulnerable side. Last night, he asked me what was wrong and why I wasn't "myself." As I rolled over in bed, I simply said, "I miss my friend." Today, he inquired more and I told that she has closed herself off from the everyone and I haven't spoken to her in some time. In truth, I was up at 4am not being able to sleep. So what do I do at 4am? I write. I write in a journal I keep next to my bed, using a pen with a little light at the end so I don't wake my husband. Here is the irony - she gave me that pen (knowing that I sometimes have to write in the middle of the night - she has seen it first hand) and I am using it to write about her. She told me that I was stuck with her for a very long time, even when I did not believe that about anyone, but especially her. She needs to know that she is stuck with me for a very long time and her shutting me out will not ever change that. I believe that she will open herself back up to the world. I know she needs me, but perhaps she doesn't know how to start over. I wish she knew that she does not have to do this alone - that people love her and care about her and will be there for her. Two people can do more than one person can - "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break." - Ecclesiastes 4:9. I will not give up on her just as she did not give up on me. I don't know why she didn't, even when I am sure that it was more difficult than she thought it should be and at times, maybe didn't even understand me. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that we are in this together. I am not going anywhere, and hope she reaches soon. This temporary world she has allowed herself to be placed in does no one any good. It would be like knowing you are going to run in a marathon, but doing nothing to prepare for it. Eventually, reality will show itself again. Regardless of when, please know that I am here, whenever you are ready.

Everyone has struggles

I have missed a very dear friend, who was hurting, but I did not know it. She has been feeling like she has spiraled out of control and is so far down, she does not know how to get back to where she was before. I know most of it may be work related but work is not who we are - it should not define us. Last night, after not hearing from her for some time, she reached out to me. I would have loved to hear her voice, or better yet, to see her, but it came via the web. It still came. It was unlike her not to communicate with me for so long, and she knew I was having my own struggles and wanted to be there for me. Instead, she has closed herself off from the world. We all hit rock bottom in our life - when the well surrounding us seems to make us feel more contained and afraid; when we don't remember how we got there to even see if we can go back; when we cannot see any light to guide us in another direction; when we are in great despair. It is only then when we have to reach for others to help us because we will not be able to do it alone. We have to trust that those that we know will be there, are truly there. Her self-contained prison has made me very sad for her because I am there to help, but she has to want my help. I have left the decision up to her and will wait to hear from her, which I hope is soon. Are there people in your life that are having their own struggles? Maybe even those you don't know about? Have you reached out to them? Please don't think that because they don't tell you what is going on that they don't want to; maybe they just don't know how. I told her more than once (ok, maybe 4 times), "Don't give up." Don't quit on me, on anything she holds near to her heart, on life. The ironic thing is that one of the last things she said to me (in a different context) was, "Don't quit." I want to give her a hug and tell her that it will be ok. We keep working on asking the questions and wait for the answers. The answers will never come if we are not willing to ask the questions. It is not something that we have to decide today, tomorrow, or even this week. Keep reaching out to those you love and tell them exactly how you feel, even if it means asking for forgiveness or telling them what they mean to you. Some time ago, I had decided to let Rocky not just see the good, but the bad and the ugly too because that is real life. She especially wanted to see the bad and ugly, not because she wished that for me, but that I would share that with her. Let your friends and family help when the bad and ugly show up at your doorstep. Eventually it comes to all of us, and as long as we have people that will help us out of that well we will always be bonded together because of sharing that moment. One of my favorite sayings is, "Not my problem." Make your loved ones' struggles your problem and do not let them push you to the curb. Be there for them. You will not regret it and neither will they.

Asking for HELP just about killed me!

I have been an independent person since about 9th grade, when because of circumstances I decided to take care of everything myself. I have mentioned previously that I do not like to rely on other people because I viewed it as a sign of weakness. I even have my husband trained so well that he does not offer to help anymore - I have to ask for it. Last week, I was looking up something from the internet and saw a side article titled, "Top 5 reasons women don't like to ask for help." Needless to say, I read the article which went on to say that we do not like to feel that we are inadequate or helpless since we are used to taking care of it all. I call it the Wonder Woman syndrome - she needs a plane to fly (her one weakness) compared to Super Girl. We also do not like feeling like we are out of control or feel like we are imposing. Here is where it really hit me - I asked a longtime neighbor to see if she would mind picking up our mail and paper while we are out of town next week on a family vacation. I didn't think twice about it - we have done it for each other for years. I have another friend who offered to run to the store and have perishables in my fridge for Christmas day dinner when we got home. She has been offering since the summer and I have shrugged her off and tried to make it work without her help. Why was it so easy for me to ask one friend to help me and so difficult to ask another? I think it is because this friend and I have not done those types of things for each other in the past, so it is new and unfamiliar. I was even glad when our flight on the 24th lands just after 8pm, thinking I would still have time to run to the store to get my last minute items. No such luck - all the stores close early that night. That leaves me with one option - allow my friend to help me. She and I chatted about it last week at lunch and I told her that I don't feel like I reciprocate as much as I should. Not that we would keep track of anything because I don't believe in that either. Would I do the same for her? Without question. She tells me that I reciprocate more than I know (apparently I really don't know, because I cannot think of anything I have done to help her). I was paying attention to the signs that were coming my way - make sure you do as well. Anyway, with a heavy sigh, a list with some cash, I am giving in and letting go. I am asking her for help. I don't like it (would rather rapel off a building), but will do it. Have to have milk and rolls Christmas Day. Enjoy your week.