More than I thought I could be

I keep pushing myself further. I have to. Not to please others or to accomplish some great feat. More for personal satisfaction. I have to. Every day, I become more than I thought I could be. Today, I didn't argue or give someone attitude even though we were doing something I do not like. She LOVED it. I was very much outside my comfort zone, but setting aside what we were doing, I was loving who I was with and that time together will be something I will always treasure. In fact, it might go on the "list." I know it probably meant more to me than it did to her, but that is ok. It was not supposed to mean anything, other than two friends taking care of some business that needed to get done. End of story. But, I am not sure that I can really say that and mean it. If that were the case, then I would not be typing this post. Maybe I shouldn't be. But somehow, I need her to know. Maybe she already does. I apologized for things she needed to help me with because I don't know how. But "sorries" are not allowed. I put myself in situations I would have long run from before because that was easier. I allow myself to become better, all the time. I have to be. Not for anyone else, but for me. When I started running on the days Rocky wasn't with me, I did more than I thought I could. I need to push myself, but in doing so I cannot lose sleep at night and need to forgive myself for not doing it all. I still need others to assist me to get where I need to be. We all need others to help from time to time. We just need to ask. And when we ask, we need to accept the answer. No excuses...no justification...no reasons why or why not. Someone told me that by allowing her to help me, it takes her mind off of her things. Funny, how that street goes both ways. Most of us succeed not because we did it alone, but because we accepted that we could not succeed alone. As much as we want to say, "I did it!", success always comes when others are right beside us, in whatever fashion or fit they make in our lives. Wherever they fit on our lists. I amaze myself when I glance back at where I was to where I am now. My life has changed a thousand times over and through it all, I would not change a thing. Because through it all, anything and everything, I am much, much more than I thought I ever could be.

Are you numb?

Three in one day has to be a record. This thought came to me as I shared my passion with a co-worker today. I was reminded of what life can feel like when we are not really living -- you become numb to the world. You remove yourself from feeling anything. I did that for so long. Yes, I admit it. I had "checked out" and was going through the motions. Are you numb? Have you checked out? Why? Maybe if you ask yourself that question, it is not an answer easily found. Maybe it was a combination of things and you lost hope. You were not ready to take the challenge before you, so you made it work. So many people I see are numb. The anesthesia that they self-administer is much easier to deal with than changing something to make it better. It is easy. They become accustomed to an empty existence that gets them from day to day with tasks that neither encourage growth nor budge them into action. Why would you want to continue to do that if you knew you didn't have to? Here is the secret...come closer...yes, just a little bit closer...YOU DON'T HAVE TO!!! YOU CHOSE THIS LIFE!!! Eventually the insensitive becomes old and dies. Your heart is not meant to beat that way. You were born with feelings and a soul that should be open to what the world has in store for you. What are you SERIOUSLY waiting for? I can write all day long until you get it. It will take you 15 minutes to get started on where you need to be. You know it and I know it. You choose...aren't you tired of walking around with a dead sense to you? I am. And I am never going back to that again. Ever.

Never Rule ANYTHING out

Have you done this? Who hasn't? Where you dismiss possibilities before they really have a chance to grow into something that is living and breathing and becomes engraved so deep that it could never wash away? Keep yourself open to anything the comes your way. My focus for almost a year has been on teenagers - mostly because of what I see that they need. They need someone to believe in them, to tell them that they can have any future they want. They are going to have to work hard to get it, but it can be theirs if they want. I see struggles and lack of motivation and giving up every day and it makes me so sad. I want to help. Do I have all of the answers? No. No one does. I know what it looks like to feel empowered and stronger than ever before when you just hear the words, "I believe in you." Those words can be life changing and can motivate people like they never thought possible. Lately, without warning or a lot of thinking, my most recent attention has been on women and helping them find their "what". More to come on that later. I guess the point of this little note is that even though I was preoccupied with another goal, I have been presented with something that seems to welcomed and appreciated. The women I talk to feel like they are alone so they don't say anything to anyone. Guess what? We all are there - in that same exact moment and here is where we start to dazzle and show the world what we can do. I cannot rule anything out even though inside I am thinking, "Are you serious? Do I really need another thing to do right now? Really? Really?" Those of you that know me personally can probably hear my voice saying these exact words. However, my arms are receiving this and my heart is open wide. There are so many promises yet to be fullfilled that I can't even imagine any of them. I can, but I am not going there. I am "going with the flow" and "embracing the journey". Do not close the door on anything that presents itself to you - even if it is going to be difficult...even if it is not what you expected...especially if you think you can't. Anything is possible and you're possible. I'm possible. You have to try. Trying will lead you to doing and there in lies your success and the realization that your life can be different and better and what you always wanted. Anything and everything means more than you think it does, especially to me.

Be open...don't question

This should be one of my many daily mantras. God knows I need to tell myself this a lot. Everyday. Let me set this up for you so you get the full picture. Have you ever felt like you were picked last to play kickball when you were a kid? Now, regardless of whether or not you WERE picked last, did you FEEL like you were picked last? And not just one time....like all the time? So guess what happens? You begin to feel like you are last and deserve to be last. You are not worthy of more because if you were, then you would be picked somewhere before last. Someone should have noticed you and decided that you should not be last - at least not last all the time. Maybe not first, but not last. You become conditioned to that position and do nothing to bring more attention to yourself that being picked last doesn't already bring. You accept your role for what it is and even when you try hard to change your status, everything remains the same. Then, PUMA! (see previous blog). You show up to play, knowing your fate as it has been the same for so long, and you get picked first. FIRST! You think it is some joke that people are playing on you and you doubt and you question. Oh, and do you question. You question everything you thought everything was before this moment. Why you? Why now? What is going on? Lots of questions and yet no one seems to be able to give you an answer that makes sense to you. So you keep asking the same questions, hoping that someone else will have an answer some time. But the answers you are looking for never come. Here is the thing...they never will. You looking for them never is a guarantee that you will find them. You search for that which cannot ever be found because you seek something that is outside of who you are. You are you. This weekend, I received a text that included a message from someone that I have maybe spent six hours with total. How can someone that hardly knows me know what kind of "character" I have? Is it only because of the way I am depicted to her by a mutual friend that defines who I am in her eyes? I figured that I needed to spend more time with LR so that I can convince her that I am not worthy of the accolades that are coming my way. I actually told the mutual friend that she needed to stop lying to LR about me so LR's opinion of me would be more of what I think it should be. That I should be chosen last. And so I question...how can this be? And since I had accepted my "unworthiness" for the majority of my life, it is very difficult for me not to question. But I have to be open. Be open to what draws people to this blog...be open to new people and their perspectives...and allow that what I bring to the table to be enough. Even when I am not even sure of what that is on any given day. You cannot prejudge someone new because of the way you have been treated in the past. You have to let them choose. LET THEM CHOOSE! They have the right to have their own opinions and thoughts about what great qualities you have and you have to belive that they are true. Yes, I need to work on this too. Every day. Surrender to what life has in store for you...when you show up and just play. It is not where you were picked to play, it is that you were picked to play. Bring your "A" game. You were chosen for a reason. That is the only answer you will ever need.

When you find what you were not looking for

Have you ever been searching for something and not found it? Looked every where you thought it would be and still have been unsuccessful? From looking at the idea of something you thought was true only to find that your wanting something so bad actually clouded the true vision of reality? I usually do not run wearing my glasses or contacts, but can see colors and large objects. No, I have not run into a parked car yet. Plus, I have Rocky with me so she is my eyes. We have made some "running" friends at 5am and say "hi" to the regulars that we pass along our route. One morning, I happen to spot a dime in the middle of the road, almost right beneath my feet. Rocky laughed at me because she knows I cannot see but I could spot the smallest coin on the asphalt when it is dark outside. Then, a few feet later, she sees a penny that I passed right over and I pick it up. I found it ironic that those equal 11 cents - and this is the year of 2011. I kept those coins and will always keep them. Isn't that funny? Maybe what you thought you wanted to do for a career isn't what you end up doing because of choices you make and roads you have chosen you end up at certain doors. When you find out what you have been missing all along because you were looking for it in the wrong place, it can almost take you back. Like you are not sure what just happened, but you know it did. You may even look around to see if anyone else just witnessed what you did. Ok, maybe that is just me. When I started this journey back in January 2010 and really started to travel to places I never thought I would go, my vision of what was to be is no where close where I am now. When I went to lunch with Rocky in April of last year and when I committed to running twice a week, never did I think for one second that that she would change my life. Our original PURPOSE grew into something I don't think either one of us saw coming, but accepted with time and then our friendship grew into what we have today. How many times have we walked right past something and ignored it because we had our sights on something else? Something else we thought we needed? What about those things that fall into our laps, that make us question "why?" and "what is going on?" Be open to those ideas, people, and places that could change your life forever. Experiences and feelings newly found can be something that you never really missed because you never knew what it was like to have in the first place. When you open yourself up to taking chances and really living your life, then you will no doubt find those things bring you the greatest joy. I have grown more over these last 18 months than I can ever remember before. I will be honest - I have not been successful in finding what I was looking for as I have searched my soul recently. However, what I found instead has been more amazing, more rewarding, made me more vulnerable, and more willing to BLOOM than ever before. No regrets.