Here we go!

Just like on a rollercoaster as you quietly wish you could change your mind, but also know that there is no turning back. Today, something exciting came to me. I shared it with a few people and actually found words that will accompany it as well. Yes, you will have to wait. But I am off to a new adventure as I start this new year and cannot wait for the joy and excitement that waits for me. I know it will be greater than I ever could imagine and am still so humbled by the fact that you are along for the ride. I have to accept that it will not go as I plan (because it is not my plan), but embrace this gift with the open arms in which it was given. I am looking forward to everything that it will and will not be and am encouraged by the answers that seem to be coming to me. That tells me that it is right. That the way is as it is meant to be and I sit here with a huge grin on my face as I continue to almost find the right words. How do you describe pure elation? When you almost fill as if your heart will explode because it seems to full and your trying to contain it would cause more damage than good? When telling someone would be an injustice, because now they know and might require you to keep your word? it is important to share exciting news and I cannot even really explain why this happened today. Most of this blog has been something that has transformed into what it is, with almost very little real thought from me. I type these posts free hand (pardon the ocassional misspellings) as the words come to me. Sometimes, the hands are slower than the mind, but we do the best we can to keep up. Now, we begin a new chapter and will keep you updated on the progress. Hold on...because here we go!!

More than I thought I could be

I keep pushing myself further. I have to. Not to please others or to accomplish some great feat. More for personal satisfaction. I have to. Every day, I become more than I thought I could be. Today, I didn't argue or give someone attitude even though we were doing something I do not like. She LOVED it. I was very much outside my comfort zone, but setting aside what we were doing, I was loving who I was with and that time together will be something I will always treasure. In fact, it might go on the "list." I know it probably meant more to me than it did to her, but that is ok. It was not supposed to mean anything, other than two friends taking care of some business that needed to get done. End of story. But, I am not sure that I can really say that and mean it. If that were the case, then I would not be typing this post. Maybe I shouldn't be. But somehow, I need her to know. Maybe she already does. I apologized for things she needed to help me with because I don't know how. But "sorries" are not allowed. I put myself in situations I would have long run from before because that was easier. I allow myself to become better, all the time. I have to be. Not for anyone else, but for me. When I started running on the days Rocky wasn't with me, I did more than I thought I could. I need to push myself, but in doing so I cannot lose sleep at night and need to forgive myself for not doing it all. I still need others to assist me to get where I need to be. We all need others to help from time to time. We just need to ask. And when we ask, we need to accept the answer. No excuses...no justification...no reasons why or why not. Someone told me that by allowing her to help me, it takes her mind off of her things. Funny, how that street goes both ways. Most of us succeed not because we did it alone, but because we accepted that we could not succeed alone. As much as we want to say, "I did it!", success always comes when others are right beside us, in whatever fashion or fit they make in our lives. Wherever they fit on our lists. I amaze myself when I glance back at where I was to where I am now. My life has changed a thousand times over and through it all, I would not change a thing. Because through it all, anything and everything, I am much, much more than I thought I ever could be.

Atta, girl!

This is from a movie called, "9 to 5" where when these three ladies stand up to their boss, one of the their co-workers says, "Atta girl". It just makes me smile and she says it a couple of times one right after another. Rocky has her chamber ribbon cutting tomorrow which offically recognizes the opening of her dream, ABSOLUTELY HER, a women's upscale resale store. I have watched her from the very beginning as she wondered alot about what she should do next as she pondered (nice word, Dad) where her next road would take her. Not just that but, if she would have the courage to take that road, starting with that one small step. We tasted the competition as another possible avenue she thought about taking, and we both agreed that she could do better if she pursued that venue. As much as she made cupcakes as a stress reliever or for friends and family, it wasn't in her heart. So she had to search deep into her heart and ONLY she could listen to the answer. I could not help her all the way, but just needed to be there for her when she was in doubt and had questions. That is what friends do. I have seen her wonder about how it was going to work, where she would be located, to naming of the store, etc. I have been around it all and she included me and others in it, so it has been a pure pleasure to watch it from when she found the courage to ask herself the question and then answer it. And she knew she was really listening when her answer was the same every time she asked it. There was no wrong answer. There never is when you listen to your heart. Rocky, I could say so much more, but will save that for another time. Know this...I love seeing you BLOOM and shine and am so grateful to have been alongside you on this ride. Just one more thing...ATTA, GIRL!

Surprise Yourself

Have you ever done that? Where you did something, maybe got caught up in the moment and where it was taking you and then after it was all over, you took a step back and said to yourself, "Did I just do that?" I do that ALL the time. Not because I am second guessing what just happened (ok, maybe I do that too), but more about my part in what just happened. After Tuesday night, I received a nice little text from LL - she said, "You just might have saved a life tonight." Whoa. As much as I do not always believe that I have the ability to "save someone's life", I also understand what she meant. She meant that maybe someone's life will be different because of me starting the G.I.F.T and where some of these wonderful women travel going forward. I have planted the seed and hope they continue to come so that we can grow together. I surprise myself everyday when I find something to write about here or in talking to someone new about my journey. That happened this week also - a guy I work with who will be known as "Your Holiness" or YH for short and I had a nice conversation about life. Before I know it, I was telling him about my blog and the G.I.F.T and my dream. YH tells me that he has been out to check out the blog and that we will talk more. He and I have had casual conversations at work, but we got here real quick. I was not doubting what I shared with him as being something I regretted doing, but was merely surprised that it occurred at all. But I am glad it did and look forward to our next conversation. I surprise myself all the time at where this crazy rollercoaster of a ride is taking me. I will be surprised many times and will relish those times and smile when it happens. Best ride of my life so far and I would not trade it for anything.

What direction are you headed?

People always say, "Your compass points north." I have never really understood that phrase. Why north? What is wrong with pointing east, west, or south? All of the directions are equally important, don't you think? Sometimes, the quickest way to get to the Far East would be to head west, depending on where your begin that trek. I was wondering if it really matters what direction we are headed in as long as we are headed in the RIGHT direction. What direction are you headed? We get lost from time to time and are not sure which is the right way to head, so we wander. Aimlessly. For a long time. We don't commit to a direction because we second guess ourselves. We want to have some guarantee that this is the "right" direction. Guess what, everyone? It does not work that way. How do we know when it is the "right" direction? You JUST know. It cannot be explained, even when you try and when you use the same words over and over hoping that this one time you share it, that it makes sense. I know what direction I am headed and I know I am not just wandering around. I have a purpose to this adventure and it will affirm that I am where I am supposed to be. Check your internal compass today...what direction are you headed? You can change your course, you know. Just because you set out for a certain destination in mind, understand that the wind changes, and you may end up someplace you could have never imagined. And it may just be the exact place you were meant to be. Never question why...always question what you are supposed to do when you get there.

And so it begins...

Some things just take on a life of their own, without really any planning or attention. Things present themselves without giving us a heads up that they are coming our way. We call that "PUMA!" But isn't that the best way to experience life? Without knowing what comes next and how it plays out? We need to remember to be open to what is before us, even when the mere thought (real thought) kind of terrifies us like no other. We will see how things set themselves up and play out, but I am ready for this new adventure and we will see where this takes us. No doubt, some place I have never been before. Perhaps, not even some place I could have picked to go. Although the attempt at trying to control where my life has lead me, never did I think that letting go of that same thought actually allows me to truly forget my old self and my old life. Hands up on the rollercoaster ride once again!!! Hold on...this very well could be the time of my life. I have no doubt that I am loving this ride!!!

New doors

New doors keep opening and showing themselves to me. Doors I wasn't looking for anyway. But new ideas and perspectives are showing themselves in places I have never looked and from people I never expected. Sometimes, I seriously need to just take a look around because I feel like I am in a funnel cloud that is moving so slowly on the outside, but inside it is like 200 mph. It almost seems like I am moving in slow motion, but really things are taking off faster than I truly expected. Every opportunity that is coming my way, whether I planned it or not, I am open to it. I cannot dismiss it as insignificant if I am unsure of why its important. It wouldn't have come to me unless I was supposed to pay attention to it. "Some are born with keys looking for what they open. And some are born as hidden waterways searching for what will open them." – Mark Nepo We have doors and keys all around us. Are you willing to cross that threshold and step to a new side once you get to that door? Anticipation can make you waver and hesitate. But I have found that pushing through and getting it over worth makes it much more bearable. Usually, if we access it afterwards, we find that it wasn't as bad as we expected. We expect the worse. A new door presents itself to us everyday. Are we strong enough and courageous enought to open it and walk through it? Sometimes, we just have to do it. Imagine what you will open you when you give life the chance to do just that. Look for your door today...it will be there. Maybe not in a pretty little package or with the sweetest of messages, but it is there. Waiting...just waiting...for you to open it and walk through it. I DARE YOU TO BE OPEN TO IT!!

What to do...

I was hoping today I would get more answers to the questions I have, yet that was not to be. Now, I have even more questions. Every scenario is playing out in my head and not sure what decision, if any, needs to made at this time. Not even sure that this is the right time to make such a decision. When I was asked a couple of weeks ago what my decision was going to be if this presented itself, I made it very clear what my decision would be. Now that I could be at that exact point, I question. I have to dig deep...I have to trust my heart...like never before. I have to be willing to lay it all out there, never sure of what tomorrow brings. I visited with an old friend today at lunch and it was so good to catch up with her. The funny thing is that we have actually known each other for years, but never really did anything socially like going to lunch before. It was nice to see J and hear what was going on in her life and share what was new in mine. Later, I sent her a text telling that it was a great lunch and she told me that I make her smile...I told her that was easy. I like easy. I read recently that nothing makes you feel better than knowing that the smile someone gives to you is probably a result of you giving them one (or something like that). I know that the answers are there for me...if I let them appear. But I have to be willing to accept them for what they are, even if I am afraid. It is hard to let go and wonder. I asked for signs all day today, hoping that the answers would come. So far, I have not seen any, but will definetely keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe they will come tomorrow when I run. Sometimes, that doesn't help - I end up with more questions. I have to have faith and believe in something not yet secure or definite. That can be hard to do. I have to believe it in order for others to believe in it. Wish me luck...stay tuned for more later. Have a wonderful evening.

New contact from outside my circle

Today, I checked my email account associated to this blog. I do not check it very often, and noticed that it is usually a couple of weeks between messages in my inbox. No one that I know really uses it except me and that is mostly to keep these thing separate from our normal home email. I found an email from an author named Betsy Thompson from California. She tells me that she found my blog and noticed that I mention my favorite books and songs. She offers to send me her latest book and asks that I review it on my blog. The fact that she offered to send me her book (freely, I might add) was not what surprised me most. It opened much more. Up until this point, I know of a handful of people that might know that this blog exists and maybe even half of those have actually read it a time or two. That is just fine with me. I created this blog as a way for me to share a little of myself and hopefully encourage all of you (all 10 of you) to keep "following your heart." Yes, I realize that I have the blog posted so the entire world could see it if they wanted to. My surprise came when someone outside my circle no only found it and acknowledged it. The asking of me to read a book and give my two cents was the icing on the cake. I mean...who am I? A 42 year old woman, trying to figure out what she is doing with her life and how to enjoy this journey I am on. I am not going to analyze this new door or try to figure out where it leads. I guess I will see when I get there. Trying to make sense of this all just makes my head hurt anyway.

New favorite quote

Good morning...I started to re-read Mark Nepo's, "The Book of Awakening - Having the life you want by being present in the life you have" over the weekend. Within the first few pages, I found a new favorite quote by Helen Luke - "The coming to consciousness is not a discovery of some new thing; it is a long and painful return to that which has always been." I find this extremely significant that all this time, as I have travelled this journey, I kept thinking I was finding new things. Truth is - it has always been with me. I either never looked for it, hid it, or forgot it was there. I am more resolved to being who I need to be than I have ever been. It is what drives me to be better, more focused, and dedicated to really being who I was intended to be. The process continues to amaze me at times with the ways that I feel about situations and people. I know this will only get better. Have a wonderful week!

I was so excited!

The other night, I took our youngest son to the first meeting for confirmation this year. I saw our pastor and said hello and briefly mentioned this journey I have been on for the last 8 months. He told me he would love to hear more about it and I told him I would come and share with him soon. He also asked me if I would stop in a time or two on Wednesday nights - I told him I would do what I could. Then, I went back to my seat and a thought overcame everything else that I should have been thinking about. I began to wonder if I needed to come on a couple of nights to talk to the kids about what's been going on with me. I love working with the kids, and especially love to plant the seed and then walk away. I don't need to be there to see if it will grow or not - it really doesn't matter to me. The unknown is just fine with me. I could not wait to get out of the meeting because I was so excited, I had to call someone. I called my running partner and she, (of course) thinks I should pursue it more. I wrote down exactly what I was thinking and feeling and ended up writing almost 3 pages. Then, I asked, "Is this it?" "Is this what I am supposed to be doing?" I guess we will see. More to come later. Have a glorious day - remember, it starts today.

Crazy day - little bit of whining

I know most of us could probably agree that in most cases, Mondays can be crazy for whatever reasons. The day started out normal enough, but then things started happening. Weird, unusual, and out of the ordinary. I was asked by someone new to speak at one their monthly meetings about motivation. This would take place probably in September and I would have about 45 minutes to talk. I have bits and pieces for the first talk I was asked to give (but have yet to give it yet - maybe November), but nothing is finalized yet. I don't even have a powerpoint put together or an outline. I was totally speechless when I read the email. I called a friend and I whined. I knew that was going to be the intention of the call and she dismissed me because she knows I'll do it. In truth, I could not even speak when she first answered the phone - like someone had kicked me in the gut. She really is an awesome friend. I guess even though I talk about all these things I could do, want to do, etc, I don't usually follow through without some grumbling first. Today, I was also given a music CD with some very specific songs on it that was burned just for me. I know some of it is meant to be motivational (to run to in the am), some of it is meant to encourage me to continue the path my life is taking. I also know that with everything I have learned over these months I cannot go back and that this is all meant to be. Why is this so difficult? I found this quote today by Leo Buscaglia -“It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.” How ironic that I find this on a day when all of these other things (that happen for reasons) occurred? It will make sense to me soon...

Doing something we don't want to

Yesterday, I shared my thoughts and fears with this friend I spoke about in my previous blog. I was very honest, upset, vulnerable, and just laid it all out there for her. Only she and God know what she thought as I shared some of my deepest thoughts and worries about our friendship. She told me that she did not want to make me feel uncomfortable and make me do something that I did not want to do. Guess what? That's exactly what I needed her to do. I needed her to make me do something I was reluctant to do. She has been doing that for a few months now. Think about it - from when we were small children, our parents pushed us to do our chores, told us to get good grades, that we needed to practice our instruments. We didn't want to. For what purpose? To teach us a lesson, to make us better, so that we have something to look forward to, etc. In life, that never ends. Now, we have bosses that want us to do our jobs right, kids that need to be taken to soccer practice, etc. It never ends. But the best part is that it should never end. Those people in our lives that make us do things we don't want to (or are reluctant to do) are doing us a favor, but we don't like it because we didn't ask for it. So, sometimes, that makes us mad and resentful. I have to be willing to "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" instead of feeling the fear and running away. If I do that, I never get better and never change my life. I felt stronger yesterday and even today, because I was so honest with her and have decided to let her in. Her husband says, "It is what it is." I agree. Whenever you feel like you are doing something you don't want to, try to find the benefit for you. I am sure there is one.

Try something new

I sit here on Saturday morning thinking about the day ahead of me. Crazy as it may sound, I am trying something new with a friend in a few hours. Most of my life, I have been one who didn't want to depend on anyone, so I did most everything by myself. No, it is not because I am an only child - I am actually the oldest of 4, on my dad's side. I learned independence at a very young age and was very reluctant to ask for help, and even became angry when someone would offer to help me. Just ask my husband when we were first dating and working at the grocery store together in California. I interpreted accepting help was a sign of weakness and did not want to appear to be weak. Now, I see it as a sign of strength because it is when we swallow our pride and allow others to come to our aid that we actually become stronger than we were before. Also, we learn what our true limits are because some of us believe we can do anything. Even Superman needed Lex Luther, his archnemesis. Superman needed Lex to test his abilities and learn what devious plot he could foil. I am in unchartered territory for me and it makes me nervous and hopeful at the same time. Is there a question about whether or not I will survive this huge ordeal? No. Should it be this big of a deal that I am taking up space and time writing about it? No. But all new things we encounter and experience make us nervous and excited all the same. More often than not, we usually have a good experience - unless you compare it to my first of two massages I have ever had. That will have to be another topic for another post. Point is, be willing to try something new - even at the urging of others - because at some point we all have had to try everything we like now in order to find out that we like it or don't like it. Make a journal of the things you try during a week and write down your reactions. Plus, it is always fun to look back at when you first tried something. Have a FANTABULOUS day!!