Here we go!

Just like on a rollercoaster as you quietly wish you could change your mind, but also know that there is no turning back. Today, something exciting came to me. I shared it with a few people and actually found words that will accompany it as well. Yes, you will have to wait. But I am off to a new adventure as I start this new year and cannot wait for the joy and excitement that waits for me. I know it will be greater than I ever could imagine and am still so humbled by the fact that you are along for the ride. I have to accept that it will not go as I plan (because it is not my plan), but embrace this gift with the open arms in which it was given. I am looking forward to everything that it will and will not be and am encouraged by the answers that seem to be coming to me. That tells me that it is right. That the way is as it is meant to be and I sit here with a huge grin on my face as I continue to almost find the right words. How do you describe pure elation? When you almost fill as if your heart will explode because it seems to full and your trying to contain it would cause more damage than good? When telling someone would be an injustice, because now they know and might require you to keep your word? it is important to share exciting news and I cannot even really explain why this happened today. Most of this blog has been something that has transformed into what it is, with almost very little real thought from me. I type these posts free hand (pardon the ocassional misspellings) as the words come to me. Sometimes, the hands are slower than the mind, but we do the best we can to keep up. Now, we begin a new chapter and will keep you updated on the progress. Hold on...because here we go!!

Out the window

I know I think I have this all figured out. Truth is...I don't and all of my best thought out plans have been thrown out the window. Instead, I am throwing my hands up and riding this rollercoaster. Yesterday, I emailed my story for a possible submission onto a blog that is managed by a well-known motivational speaker. Is there a chance it could lead to something? Yes. Is there a chance that it goes no where? Yes. But it will NEVER go anywhere if I didn't send it. My answer would have been one that I decided, not someone else. Instead, I am letting someone else decide what happens next. Yes, yes, I know...this girl was the Queen of control too. I has believed my entire life that I could control everything. In some way shape or form, I made decisions that affected my world and therefore, if I could I would act or react before anyone else could. I played it safe. It was hard for me to let Rocky choose to say in my life when I had to put the walls down. Now, here I am very open and exposed to letting people see more of me than I have ever shown anyone. And you know what? I really don't care. I am being me and throwing the control I had believed I had out the window. Theings are happening that I cannot explain and so trying to figure them out and understand them is a waste of time. It does me no good and I need to better spend my time on getting more things done. Do you toss your worries, your control, or anything else that you waste time and effort on out the window? You need to because it just wears you down. People always say, "It is what it is" and I say, "It is as it's meant to be." If this has been pre-designed for me, then me thinking that I can control it is an illusion. Hands up, baby. When you are on a rollercoaster, there are are no windows.

Past the point of no return

Have you ever taken such a big chance that you cannot go back to where you once were? To know that to do so would not be in your best interest, but would actually make you worse off in the long run? Taking chances can be scary and I remember someone telling me that having the courage to take that leap can be the most freeing moment and I started thinking more about what I want for my life in 2012. More to come on that later, but for now, know that the wheels are turning. I am sitting here trying to remember how I got to where I am right now and trying to figure out at what moment did I pass the point of no return. Was it when I started this blog, knowing that I had given the information to friends and they would now be able to see what I was so excited about? Was it when I became accountable to Rocky when she came to my house to get me into shape at 5am? Was it when I started believing more in myself and allowing others to see more of the real me? Was it when I shared my thoughts with other women and started the G.I.F.T.? Was it when I said in public for the first time that my dream was to be a motivational speaker for teenagers? Was it the reaching out to others that might be able to help me pursue that dream? Was it the willingness to explore new things (shopping) or allow new people to break down the walls? Was it putting trust and faith into those people and things because of what my heart tells me, not my head? Was it a combination of any of these things or people? But when, specifically, did I get to the point of no return? Have I even been there yet or do I just think I have? I know there are a lot of questions here, but here is what I do know. I am not the same person I was when I really started this journey almost 2 years ago. I have grown into someone that I have always wanted to be and continue to grow and give more than I ever have. I have learned to not run when situations get difficult, but also know how many people truly love me. I also learned what they would do for me, even if I didn't want them to. I know that I am here for a reason and continue to try to see the reasons for my being here in everything I do, say, in the people I meet, and where my next steps will take me. I know I am human and have human emotions, even if they are not understood by others. I know I have a huge heart and have allowed myself to be more vulnerable and have shed tears where they never would have come before. I wouldn't allow it. I know I give hugs all the time and they are not the woosy, one-armed hugs or barely touch you hugs, either. They are both arms, bring you close, hold on to you kind of hugs. I know I gave out more yesterday to co-workers wishing them a Merry Christmas than I ever had before. I know I have a husband and three sons that think the world of me and many other friends who just might think the same. I know I want to have an impact on the people that I come in contact with and those that I will never meet. I know I have to continue to inspire others who want something different in their lives. I know making those choices is not easy, but also know it gives us confidence like we never thought we had. I know that I can talk alot and think even more and don't always let others have their two cents. I know I need to apologize for that. I know I get off track sometimes and need a little kick in the pants to get me going again. I know it takes me a couple of days to get something that I should have figured out right then, but I am slow. I know that this world and life can begin when you want it to and you change the simplest of things and then that leads to bigger changes. I know that I am grateful for the life I have been given and would not change a single thing. I know for me, I continue to challenge myself in ways I never thought possible and will keep moving forward. I know there may be days I take baby steps and others days when I am ready to jump off a 575 foot building (yes, still on my list of things to do). I know I read a lot and will work at being my "best me" all the time. I know I will find success and unfortunately, I will fail as well. I know I need to forgive myself and forgive others. I know I need to let this life lead me to places I have never been before and will "embrace the journey." I know I am here for the duration and will treasure my place in this world as I know the world will ever change. I know nothing stays the same. Where are you in your life? I know that you will absolutely love where you are going and it may make you afraid of the unknown. But because we are on this rollercoaster ride, when you get strapped into your seat and you start to pull away from the platform, you will have reached the point of no return.

Here goes!

Ok. So I am not even sure where to start. I was asked several people how I did last night with my speech and me being me, I probably downplayed it more than I should have, but that is me. Because of those wonderful people in my life, called friends, I receive phone calls and texts telling me that I did great and that they really enjoyed what I had to say, etc. Very, very humbling. Last night, I woke up about 1:15am and noticed an email from a reader of this blog (S) and I could not stop thinking about what she said in the email as she called my life "amazing". I would have no problem describing my life using other words, but "amazing" would not have been one of them. Intersting, S. Thanks. Then, I get a nice email regarding another door that I have knocked on before about an opportunity, and I may have another speaking opportunity in Janaury. YAY! Here is the topper...one of my friends tells me that her daughter posted on her facebook a status that includes part of what I said last night in my speech. Here is was thinking no one was paying attention!! Then, about 15 of her friends "liked" it!!! OMG!! It has been a great day. With just one of these, it would have been awesome, but all together, plus my husband came home from a work trip and I got to see Rocky. As I continue to ride this rollercoaster today, I can only say one thing...here goes!

Rollercoaster ride

Ok, since we are on this rollercoaster of life, how are you on this ride? For a long time, I held onto the bar with both hands, with my knuckles turning white when situations or people caused stress and disappointments. The more I held on, the more I didn't feel the joy of the ride - I was too busy being afraid and hoped (ok, maybe prayed) that this ride would soon be over. That didn't happen, but I did not know what else to do. I never allowed myself the exhileration that came from the excitement of the ride itself. It seemed like every time I tried to let go of the bar holding me safe and put one arm above my head, I wouldn't give myself permission to smile or have fun. I was all business. Little moments...yes, tiny itty bitty moments would come and go, but I would dismis them, never relishing them and keeping them for very long. And who hasn't gotten sick or felt sick while they are on the ride itself? Where you just want to lean outside your car, and let the butterflies go, so to speak. When you don't live to take chances, then what do you live for? Then, at some point, you start putting your hands up above your head for those things and start to really "love the ride". It is not that you don't think about holding on to that bar, but putting your hands up feels all right too. You start to comprehend that you will not fall out, but the pure adrenaline starts to overcome any fear you may also be feeling at that same moment. We all have moments like these...where we have to be careful; are tempted to hold and let go at the very same time; let go and maybe also are going to be sick; or just roll with it and let what comes your way be your blessing. Life is a rollercoaster ride...you have the ticket...sit down...lock the bar down across your waist...and put your arms up. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Surprise Yourself

Have you ever done that? Where you did something, maybe got caught up in the moment and where it was taking you and then after it was all over, you took a step back and said to yourself, "Did I just do that?" I do that ALL the time. Not because I am second guessing what just happened (ok, maybe I do that too), but more about my part in what just happened. After Tuesday night, I received a nice little text from LL - she said, "You just might have saved a life tonight." Whoa. As much as I do not always believe that I have the ability to "save someone's life", I also understand what she meant. She meant that maybe someone's life will be different because of me starting the G.I.F.T and where some of these wonderful women travel going forward. I have planted the seed and hope they continue to come so that we can grow together. I surprise myself everyday when I find something to write about here or in talking to someone new about my journey. That happened this week also - a guy I work with who will be known as "Your Holiness" or YH for short and I had a nice conversation about life. Before I know it, I was telling him about my blog and the G.I.F.T and my dream. YH tells me that he has been out to check out the blog and that we will talk more. He and I have had casual conversations at work, but we got here real quick. I was not doubting what I shared with him as being something I regretted doing, but was merely surprised that it occurred at all. But I am glad it did and look forward to our next conversation. I surprise myself all the time at where this crazy rollercoaster of a ride is taking me. I will be surprised many times and will relish those times and smile when it happens. Best ride of my life so far and I would not trade it for anything.

What a week!!

It seems likes yesterday, but also feels like I almost could not tell you what happened because it seems like it was so long ago. It the midst of this craziness right now, I did take some time Thursday night and visit with a friend who I have not known for very long, but I love her smile and her hugs. P"N"V - We can only be grateful to Rocky for introducing us to one another that one day at work. It amazes me how little chance meetings just turn into something bigger and better. With all my "being mom" life, I am also trying to get ready for next Tuesday night, the first meeting for the G.I.F.T. Not sure what to expect, but know it will be a great night. Many wonderful, giving women are coming so I am excited about that. I also reached out to another venue that I have been working with and we have a tentative date set for November. November is also when I will be giving a speech in front of a very large crowd. Can you see my head spinning yet???? In all this craziness, I absolutely love it. It is where I am most calm and when everything seems clear. I opened up to someone yesterday about this new craziness and she totally wants to come to the G.I.F.T. as well. Seriously? I guess so. The more I say, the more people see. The more people see, the more people like. I also had a very unexpected invite to lunch on Friday where someone shared with me about some private things going on her life. I am so appreciative that she trusts me with this new information and always will be wishing her the best as this new jouorney unfolds itself to her. SB - I got your back, girlfriend. Remember, MOXIE on! We also learned that a very beloved retired co-worker passes away earlier this week. Sometimes, processing it all is just a blur and seems so convaluted with stuff. But it shows me what is right, where my heart is, what I am meant to do, and why I am here. I will NEVER go back to who I was before. If this week is any indication of what is to come, then bring it on. Hands up, baby! Here we go for another go round on this rollercoaster of a ride!! Have an awesome weekend.

It's not about...

In catching up with someone today that I just love to see and love to get hugs from - some of the best, EZ, she said something about another friend that got me thinking. Yes, I know, that happens a lot. Hence, the blog. Ok, but seriously, there are so many things that life is about and what life is not about. Life is not about being perfect, in any way, shape, or form. Trying to make people believe that your life is perfect really just confirms what they already know - that your life isn't. None of our lives are, so quit trying to make others believe it is. Life is not about how much money you have or how big your house is or what kind of car you drive. It is about how much love you have in your heart, how big your smile is, and the kind of impression you leave on others. It is not about never admitting that things don't frustrate us from time to time, like our spouses and kids. There are jobs that we mostly love, but have little quirks that make us check in every now and again. It is about little inconveniences, like going to the bank to report a lost debit card or picking up a child from school every day because crutches in the winter don't work so well. Life is about giving yourself to people, even those that you think would never even dial 911 to save your life. It's about letting people see when you tumble and get back up again. Maybe a little scarred, but better even so. It's not about having a perfectly manicured lawn or an even cleaner house. It's about laughing when you make a complete fool of yourself even though you want to just crawl under a rock. It is about putting your arms up and loving the ride. It is about so much more... even when you think it isn't. You are next in line to get on the rollercoaster....why not now?

Feed your soul

How many times do we forget or neglect to do that? I do. I get caught up in the daily grind of work, my family, responsibilities, and laundry. Yes, laundry. Then, I run out of energy and get lethargic. I need to be rejuvenated and then I am ready to take on the world. Kitty - A little Fun Dip on Fun Dip Wednesday, doesn't hurt either? Did you have your Fun Dip today? I did. My heart is thirsty for giving and my soul is hungry for giving it my all. I need to take care of those needs so that I can be better tomorrow. Another milestone recently with my willingness and accepting of people and how they treat me, care about me, and love me. Living with no regrets hasn't been easy, but I am beginning to realize that in order for me to live my "true" life, I cannot have any regrets. I have said what is in my heart, even when I was afraid beyond everything I trusted, when I wanted to say it. Without the fear on how it would be received and what could or could not be said in return. Every time, I am true to me, I feed my soul. When I put the walls down and stay, regardless of what the unknown may show me, I feed my soul. My thirst for being more than I was even a minute ago is quenched by knowing that I matter so much to someone that the mere fact of my being born brought tears to someone. My soul is fed when I visit with kids and women and encourage them with carefully chosen words that literally put me into a sense of what I was meant to be. In basic circumstances, I take the chance to remind others that just because that something is the way it is, that it doesn't mean that it should be that way. Games that are played are smoke screens for people that are afraid to really be who they are, so they continue to take part. Your soul is a part of you, just like everything else. You must care for it genuinely and repeatedly. If you do not, it will lose its value and will shrink and lose its purpose. The ache you feel when you ignore the pleas from your soul can haunt you forever. It never goes away and then you have to live with regrets. Who wants to live that way? Especially as you near the end of your life, provided you have time to look back on it? Since we should not ever take things for granted, live your life NOW. Feeding your soul costs you no money, but must be replenished from time to time. You have to want something different and do what it takes to get there. The rollercoaster of life that we are all on is awesome....but you have to get on the ride and everyone has a ticket. Feed your soul. You may feel like you are going to be sick, but that is just fear talking. "Excitement is overriding the fear" and you will never have any regrets because you can say you did it. Feed your soul. It will make all of the difference in the world...I promise you that.

And so it begins...

Some things just take on a life of their own, without really any planning or attention. Things present themselves without giving us a heads up that they are coming our way. We call that "PUMA!" But isn't that the best way to experience life? Without knowing what comes next and how it plays out? We need to remember to be open to what is before us, even when the mere thought (real thought) kind of terrifies us like no other. We will see how things set themselves up and play out, but I am ready for this new adventure and we will see where this takes us. No doubt, some place I have never been before. Perhaps, not even some place I could have picked to go. Although the attempt at trying to control where my life has lead me, never did I think that letting go of that same thought actually allows me to truly forget my old self and my old life. Hands up on the rollercoaster ride once again!!! Hold on...this very well could be the time of my life. I have no doubt that I am loving this ride!!!

Here we go!!!!

Can you yell, "WHEEEEEEEEE!"? Yes, I know I need to tell you more. Ok. Sorry....just trying to catch my breath and hope my thoughts and typing skills can keep up. Today, I took a BIG chance in pursuing my dream of being a motivational speaker for teenagers. This is one big piece to my puzzle. One that started about a year ago...wouldn't you say, Rock? I actually have been reaching out to people that I thought could help me get started and I received a big CONFIRMATION of one tonight. This is where it begins. Remember the rollercoaster ride that Rocky and I are on? For some reason, the hills we travel down, with our arms straight up above our heads, don't seem to end. We just find more hills. In a good way. In talking with the people that can make this happen, I ran into someone else who knows a little about what I am doing and...PUMA!!!!! Another possible gig! In front of a HUGE crowd at a very important ceremony. Still pinching myself. Even if it doesn't work out, it is ok. But this is the start of it...the tidal wave. It will happen.