More afraid of not...

I was watching a movie over the holiday weekend and heard a phrase similar to this one and it struck me as something that I needed to explore more. I used to live with fear and being afraid of living for a very long time. It always appeared to me that if there was something good or bad that could happen, the bad seemed to be the one that should up more often. So what did I learn? That if I took chances, I usually lost. Seriously. So, I didn't take them. I became conditioned to play it safe. To not make waves. To do what was expected of me. To follow the rules already written for me. Here is where I am right now...I am more afraid of NOT following my heart than of not. It hurts more to sit and do nothing than to write these words, maybe thinking they might impress themselves on someone else and therefore, make a difference. Being scared has created a shell that I lived in to follow the norm and live under the radar. Now, I am out there...taking chances that may include some skinned up knees and some failings. But I will have the scars to prove that I tried. That I was there. That I stood for something. That I took chances despite the failings and I picked myself back up to go back for more. That I never gave up and kept fighting for what I loved and treasured most. Are you afraid? Why aren't you shaking so much in your boots that you KNOW that keeping still and staying silent is no longer for you. Let your heart breathe. Feel the pure joy that others can bring to you, if you let them. Open up and stay strong, even when you want to run. Be afraid of monotony and spice things up a bit with new knowledge and unknown travels yet to be discovered. Be afraid. I have been given a mission with no itinerary and no final destination. I do not know how I will get there, but will expand what I share with others so as to make this world better. I have to...it is what calls to me. I cannot ignore it and it becomes almost self-propelled with all of the force of an avalanche barreling down a snow covered mountainside. But it is not destructive; it is constructive. I am more afraid of doing nothing than I am of standing still...even if I am smack-dab right in the middle of that same mountainside.

Chance

Do you believe in chance in your life? In this world? I was driving back to work today thinking about a friend that I never see and was thinking that after the first of the year, I need to call her and catch up. She was very kind in sending me a text after she heard my speech and even told me that her daughter posted something I said in Facebook, so it must have made an impact on her. Then, JS drives past me going an opposite direction and waves to me. What do I do next? I call her!! I tell her, "I was just thinking about you and then you drove by!" Was that by chance? It is funny because when we saw each other more, we were not really good friends then, but since we see each other less, we seem to want to see each other more and seem to connect better. Maybe that is weird and maybe JS thinks I am crazy. But I believe in chance. I believe that some things are not so planned to be a part of destiny and other things happen by chance. When Mike and I got married almost 23 years ago, we traveled from the west coast to the east coast for our honeymoon and met a couple from our same town from California. They even were attending the same university as I was at the time. Chance? Maybe. I think it was chance last year when I ran into a friend at the library who I had not seen in some time. But that might have been more to do with destiny, disguised to look like chance. Wouldn't that be interesting? I know I am not in charge of this life of mine and have been very blessed with the events and people that have made me learn more about why I am here. I was never someone who believe in chance before. But I have to give myself chances, because no one else will. I have to take chances, because I cannot grow if I stay in the same place. I think when I met Rock it was chance - I mean, she just walked past my office one day. But again, maybe it was all part of a bigger plan made to look like chance. We will never know, but I know we are both very grateful. Believe in chance...you just never know what will come your way. Even when you think you do, you don't.

It's who you are

No questions. Ever. It's who you are. I used to wonder who I was...I mean, really. I knew where I came from and what let me to my todays and never really looked that far into the future. Even when people told me who I was, I am not sure I believed it. I still struggle with that a little bit, but I am getting better at it. For me, it was always a disbelief that I could make that big of a difference in someone else's life by my saying or doing something that I found almost effortless. For a long time, I was not sure of who I really was and even when I knew, I am sure I was afraid to really show people who I was. But, I cannot do that anymore. I still have some walls, but nothing like I had before. I had to trust myself more than I had ever done before and still have to continue to do that every day. Especially when I doubt. Since I believe that we have a reason and a purpose for being here, when we allow ourselves to be who we are with others, we are serving that purpose. Our three sons have three unique personalities and I wouldn't change any of them for anything. I love who they are and treasure that uniqueness every day. I love to watch them bloom. When we share our true selves with others, we show the world who we are. When I write on a post, I share with you a little bit about me. This is who I am and for those of you that know me personally, you get more of me. Who are you? Have you found your purpose yet? Sometimes, we cannot predict what events will occur and which people will come into our lives that will change our lives forever, but we need to welcome them. We will learn more than we ever thought we could and be blessed that we experienced them, in whatever time we were given. Bless our days with who you are as we will always treasure that you are a part of what makes us who we are.

Ambition

I thought about ambition this past week on one of my walks. Yes, I said walk. My week has been off since I was off work most of the week helping our son recover from his surgery. Day time TV is pretty much a waste of time, but I was able to get some things done that otherwise I had not had time to do, so that was a good thing. Don't we have ambition? Although the goal might be something different, we still carry ambition. Ambition are hopes and dreams that we aspire to create and live. But too much ambition can be a bad thing. If you become so focused on your end result, you could forget about others that are the ones that care about you and love you. You could create enenmies where you once had only friends and supporters. Sometimes, we lose sight of what we are doing, not even realizing that we are doing it. Being focused on things is a great thing, don't get me wrong. Ambition and the aspiration to do great things is on the horizon for all of us. It is just right beyond our grasp, but we can see it and we can feel it. Nothing is more great and makes us shine more than we we have ambition and we know what direction we are headed. Isn't that the best feeling ever? What ambitions do you have? Have you given yourself a chance to look for them? We all have goals. I succeeded a goal last year when I set out to lose 20 pounds and ended up losing almost twice that much. I still have more more ambitions, but maybe not so much in the losing weight area. I have dreams I want to pursue...need to pursue...in order to say I gave my all. I might fail, but at least I can say I tried. What do you want others to say about you? That you never achieved anything because you never tried anything or that you failed because you tried? I pick the latter. Thomas Edison tried numberous times on how to create a lightbulb -- can you imagine what would have happned if he had given up? Carry that ambition with you...it will never steer you wrong and will actually catapult you to places you never expected but you will be grateful you went there. Hold true to your passions and use your ambition for good and in changing your life, you just might have the time of your life doing so. You might even surprise yourself.

Untapped purpose

It is so sad when I see this...something that can be so much more than what I currently have in front of me. Like an empty gumball machine. I know...just hear me out. It sounds silly...I get that. For the last three months (at least), I have tried to get a red gumball machine to Rock's store. I have seen it every week for those last three months in the same position it was in all of the weeks previous. It sits there, collecting dust, never to be touched, not being useful. Now, the owner of said gumball machine does not work at the place that it is currently stored and was a gift from his ex-wife. The two people who I have expressed my interest in this gumball machine to have indicated that they would like it to leave their premises as much as I would. However, the owner told a gentleman inquiring on my behalf that he was going to fill it with gumballs. Could not tell you the last time I saw this gumball machine with gumballs in it, and I have been present every week for about the last three years. It seems like such a waste...waste of space, waste of purpose. I mean, doesn't every thing, even a gumball machine deserve to be used for the reason it was created to begin with? I mean, come on, man! Moral to this story...do we have a purpose we are not tapped into? When we are used for purpose...whether it is inspiring someone to change their life to finding a perfect jacket to go with a dress, it makes us believe and validate what we do. Is there a purpose or promise you are not serving? It is serving no one, not even you. Don't be like the gumball machine -- collecting dust, thinking no one wants or needs you, and not doing what you are meant to do. Find your purpose. Or it will find you.

Be your own hero

It is great to have people we look up to and admire - those people inspire us to be better. If you were to create that list right now, would your name be on it? That is hard for most of us I can imagine. There are people that I know that totally make me try harder than I did the day before. I see some of the things that are going on in their lives and I seriously say, "How do they keep going?" and "How do they do that day in and day out without breaking?" I am not sure I could if I were in their shoes. There are people that have had a worst past than I did and I think, "What can I really complain about?" But those people do so much for me...even those that will never know it. Life has dealt them issues that I have never had to deal with and hope I never do. My issues are different, not necessarily harder. Those people are heroes in my book. Things they didn't ask for, would not wish on their worst enemy, or couldn't plan even if they wanted to are right in front of them. But they accept it and take it on. But what about you? Are you proud of your accomplishments and where your life has led you to right now? In my Life Statement, the first sentence says it all. "I have lived a false life, but not one I am ashamed of. I just have not lived my full life yet." I have led the life I was meant to live - to get me to here. Now. You are my hero. Some of you may ask why. Because you are here for a reason...because you keep coming back...because you stay for good. You are all special and have a purpose. Most of us will never meet, but it would be cool to get us all together and say we were "hanging with my Homme" - our last name is pronounced "ho - me". Kitty. Even when you think there is no way anyone could ever find anything that they admire in you - because you think you are not worth it and don't deserve it - someone does. I am telling you right now...I used to think that and when someone tells me what I mean to them or that I inspired them, I stop. It stops me in my tracks - literally - and I might even stop breathing just for a moment or two. It is almost too much for me to process and fathom. But, I humbly accept it. You are heroes to people and you may never know it. But know this...you are your own hero. Be proud of that today. I am.

I am paying attention!

I know, I do not usually post two posts in one day, but I just have to this time. I do not know how long this one will be, but here it goes. I was totally freaking out earlier today - so much, I called a few people to share. I think I might have been shaking, but I know for sure I was sweating. Right at the beginning of the day, Rocky comes into my office and shares her favorite Bible verse and writes it down on a piece of paper and summarizes it about how God knows your purpose. I tell her that I don't memorize Bible verses, so I am unfamiliar with it. I carry on with my day as she does hers. Later, I look over at a little plaque that was given to me by another friend some six months ago. This plaque sits on my desk everyday, but it has been something I have looked at so many times, that I did not really see what it said until today. It is the same verse! A few minutes later, I receive an email at home from a third friend and guess what?!? It is the same exact verse as the others!! How can you explain that three women share the same verse, independently of each other, on the same day?? And this happens within 24 hours of me starting to change my life with new opportunities? There can be no other explanation other than God is trying really hard to get my attention. Do you know that there are over 30,000 verses in the Bible and what are the chances of that happening? Math is not one of the my strengths, so I am not sure what that means, but I have to wonder and ask, "What are the chances of this?" I believe that things happen for a reason, so there must be a reason for everything. There are no coincidences. Saturday, I was fearful and doubting, even when Rocky reminded me that she believes in me and that I should believe in myself. Yesterday, I noticed that I had no fear (and no regrets today) when I sent my presentation and created my plan. Maybe today was a way to let me know in some way that I am finally listening. I realize that I cannot ignore it any longer and I cannot go back. Oh, in case you were wondering, the verse is Jeremiah 29:11. Keep paying attention.

I was so excited!

The other night, I took our youngest son to the first meeting for confirmation this year. I saw our pastor and said hello and briefly mentioned this journey I have been on for the last 8 months. He told me he would love to hear more about it and I told him I would come and share with him soon. He also asked me if I would stop in a time or two on Wednesday nights - I told him I would do what I could. Then, I went back to my seat and a thought overcame everything else that I should have been thinking about. I began to wonder if I needed to come on a couple of nights to talk to the kids about what's been going on with me. I love working with the kids, and especially love to plant the seed and then walk away. I don't need to be there to see if it will grow or not - it really doesn't matter to me. The unknown is just fine with me. I could not wait to get out of the meeting because I was so excited, I had to call someone. I called my running partner and she, (of course) thinks I should pursue it more. I wrote down exactly what I was thinking and feeling and ended up writing almost 3 pages. Then, I asked, "Is this it?" "Is this what I am supposed to be doing?" I guess we will see. More to come later. Have a glorious day - remember, it starts today.

It Starts Today

This journey actually started on January 4, 2010. It continues today. It started with a casual lunch with a friend where we both decided we have come to that point in our lives where we are questioning our purpose. We have arrived at the same stop, but took very different roads to get here. After this lunch, I began to have inspirational thoughts come to me that I have never had before. For example, " Unknown dreams will show themselves in ways you and I have never imagined." "Dreams we never knew we had or never shared with anyone will serve those we were meant to serve." At the end of 2009, I finished reading a book about how to find my "authentic self", whatever that meant. I really picked it up, not because I was searching for those answers, but more because I was bored and didn't have another book to read. Yet, I was open and very honest with my friend and began to feel empowered and overjoyed. But I could not explain why as I called my sisters that weekend. They kept asking me, "What happened?" I told them nothing happened. I am amazed at the reaction I get from others that I share this story with. I am even shocked that I decided to start this blog. I take a spiral notebook with me everywhere I go, just in case something comes to me and I need to write it down. I need to carry a mini-recorder with me as well when I am thinking while I am driving.

I am not sure what I hope anyone gains from me updating this blog. I am confident people will gather different things from it. Maybe it is just a way for me to share things with others that may be having the same questions I am having. Best wishes always.