Happy amongst the chaos

Two friends were hanging out this weekend and one asked the other, "Are you happy?" The second friend replied, "I don't know. Maybe when things settle down." Even when we are right in the thick of it and we are not even sure which end is up, are we happy? Do we choose happy despite the chaos? I think there are moments of both. Moments of happiness and pure joy and other moments when we are doing everything we can to not pull our hair out and scream. Sure, there are times when a little escape sounds like just the ticket, but that is not usually our real life. Eventually, we need to venture back to what is normal for us and continue on. Chaos reminds us of what is important...what choices we took and what results came from those choices. For some reason, we seem to think that we are the only one that has chaos when deep down we know that that cannot be true. Just maybe different kinds of chaos. Here is the thing...I am happy when I get to run/walk in the morning. It is one of my most favorite things and gives me time to think. It actaully makes me day better somehow, even if I am alone for those dark, five miles. But today, I was happier. Today, Rock came. We have not seen too much of each other lately but today I think we both realized that we miss "this". Chaos will always be there and sometimes will show up when we are not ready for it, so it hits you like a PUMA. But we deal with it and get through it and eventually things right themselves again. But, I think the question we really need to ask ourselves is, "Despite the chaos, would you rather be somewhere else?" If the answer is "no", then I think you are happy.

When people don't see it

It really isn't that hard. It is quite simple. Maybe that is why I don't get why people don't see it. The "it" I am referring to is different things on different days. Maybe "it" is when people say one thing and do another. Sometimes it is when saying the right thing is not meant to hurt. Being kind is not hard nor does it require a lot of thought or work. We usually overlook the person doing the right thing because we notice first the person not doing the right thing. And that person doesn't see it. I put others before myself and am extremely embarrased if someone notices it. I do it for them...not for recognition. I was gone most of the weekend attending a family wedding out of town and then, I noticed something that had been left behind. Something that made me smile. Something that may never be erased from the surface (but may accidently be erased), is now imprinted forever in my memory. Little things like that can really affect people. But, people don't see it. They don't get it. I know I am more real than I probably have been because I am done playing the game. I am done hanging out with people that don't have the same mindset as me. Not that they have to agree with everything I say or think, but I realize I am leaning more towards the people that have those same thoughts. When people don't see it, there usually is an excuse close by to explain why. The real reason and the only reason is because it is easier not to care...easier to take care of me...easy. This world is far from it. It throws all kinds of pitches at you and you have to be ready. And even if you are not, you will be in a short amount of time. Are you one of the ones that sees it or not? If you don't see it, do you want to? You can see it, but you have to not choose easy and LOOK. Really LOOK. It is there. Even when you think it isn't. And once you see it, you will feel it.

Resistance

Yes, we know it exists, but that does not mean that we like it or that it will last long. Most times, we do not know how long the resistance will be in our lives or why it even came up to begin with. But, understand this. We still have three choices when resistance shows up and tries to push us back and impede us from going where we want to go. Choice one - just stop. Hold our ground. Tread water. Stay afloat. Do whatever we can so we are not going in the backwards direction. Send out an S.O.S. and see what ships come to our rescue, never knowing if they ever will. Choice two - allow the resistance to be stronger than we are. We allow its push to be greater than anything else we have learned up to that point. We give in. We surrender. We are left to drift, at the mercy of the resistance. We lose control of ANYTHING. We become a victim. Choice three - we move through it. We forge ahead and even though it is tough, we move - little by little and step by step. It becomes the mission to at least try with EVERYTHING we have to be somewhere different. To be someone different. Each choice has its own costs and therfore, its own benefit. Choice one leaves you with some weariness and may make you put out more effort than you want, especially once you realize you are not going anywhere. Choice two takes you where you have already been, where you hold on to what was and you stay stuck. Choice three requires the most effort, but also shows you that you with courage, strength, and hope you can move through tough times. Are you facing resistance today in your life? We all probably have some of it, even if it is minor, in our lives every day. Resistance can cause damage if we let it. Ultimately, the choice is still ours to make. What is your FINAL ANSWER?

Sometimes, life is just hard

It is difficult to know what to do next...actually, that is not true. It is easy to know what to do next when I allow my heart to lead, but reality sets in and makes me take stock of what else I must consider. Other issues outside of this makes it hard to fix as well. I have asked people I trust what I can do to rectify that situation and they are at a loss just as much as I am. How can I explain what I feel deep down and what I believe my destiny is to someone that is not necessarily speaking the same language I am? I know that what I am taking on will take more of my already time-consumed day, where I have to balance everything I have in it. How? One breath at a time is the only answer I can come up with right now. I know this is just temporary and I will get through it. Not sure how or when, but I will. We are presented with small reminders of what makes us realize that we cannot get where we want to go, without some small hurdles and detours. I was planning on spending some time this weekend to get some things done that need almost immediate atttention, but I did pretty much none of it. I felt deflated, like a balloon slowly losing air. However, I will not be defeated. This is a test...and it will pass. I just have to keep working at it and eventually success and triumph will come my way. I know this post is not one of the familiar ones you might be used to, but this one is real-life and you all can relate to it. Some days, I don't feel like I show my "moxie" or "bloom". Need to go for a run and clear my head. Hope your day is a great one.

What to do...

I was hoping today I would get more answers to the questions I have, yet that was not to be. Now, I have even more questions. Every scenario is playing out in my head and not sure what decision, if any, needs to made at this time. Not even sure that this is the right time to make such a decision. When I was asked a couple of weeks ago what my decision was going to be if this presented itself, I made it very clear what my decision would be. Now that I could be at that exact point, I question. I have to dig deep...I have to trust my heart...like never before. I have to be willing to lay it all out there, never sure of what tomorrow brings. I visited with an old friend today at lunch and it was so good to catch up with her. The funny thing is that we have actually known each other for years, but never really did anything socially like going to lunch before. It was nice to see J and hear what was going on in her life and share what was new in mine. Later, I sent her a text telling that it was a great lunch and she told me that I make her smile...I told her that was easy. I like easy. I read recently that nothing makes you feel better than knowing that the smile someone gives to you is probably a result of you giving them one (or something like that). I know that the answers are there for me...if I let them appear. But I have to be willing to accept them for what they are, even if I am afraid. It is hard to let go and wonder. I asked for signs all day today, hoping that the answers would come. So far, I have not seen any, but will definetely keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe they will come tomorrow when I run. Sometimes, that doesn't help - I end up with more questions. I have to have faith and believe in something not yet secure or definite. That can be hard to do. I have to believe it in order for others to believe in it. Wish me luck...stay tuned for more later. Have a wonderful evening.

Everyone has struggles

I have missed a very dear friend, who was hurting, but I did not know it. She has been feeling like she has spiraled out of control and is so far down, she does not know how to get back to where she was before. I know most of it may be work related but work is not who we are - it should not define us. Last night, after not hearing from her for some time, she reached out to me. I would have loved to hear her voice, or better yet, to see her, but it came via the web. It still came. It was unlike her not to communicate with me for so long, and she knew I was having my own struggles and wanted to be there for me. Instead, she has closed herself off from the world. We all hit rock bottom in our life - when the well surrounding us seems to make us feel more contained and afraid; when we don't remember how we got there to even see if we can go back; when we cannot see any light to guide us in another direction; when we are in great despair. It is only then when we have to reach for others to help us because we will not be able to do it alone. We have to trust that those that we know will be there, are truly there. Her self-contained prison has made me very sad for her because I am there to help, but she has to want my help. I have left the decision up to her and will wait to hear from her, which I hope is soon. Are there people in your life that are having their own struggles? Maybe even those you don't know about? Have you reached out to them? Please don't think that because they don't tell you what is going on that they don't want to; maybe they just don't know how. I told her more than once (ok, maybe 4 times), "Don't give up." Don't quit on me, on anything she holds near to her heart, on life. The ironic thing is that one of the last things she said to me (in a different context) was, "Don't quit." I want to give her a hug and tell her that it will be ok. We keep working on asking the questions and wait for the answers. The answers will never come if we are not willing to ask the questions. It is not something that we have to decide today, tomorrow, or even this week. Keep reaching out to those you love and tell them exactly how you feel, even if it means asking for forgiveness or telling them what they mean to you. Some time ago, I had decided to let Rocky not just see the good, but the bad and the ugly too because that is real life. She especially wanted to see the bad and ugly, not because she wished that for me, but that I would share that with her. Let your friends and family help when the bad and ugly show up at your doorstep. Eventually it comes to all of us, and as long as we have people that will help us out of that well we will always be bonded together because of sharing that moment. One of my favorite sayings is, "Not my problem." Make your loved ones' struggles your problem and do not let them push you to the curb. Be there for them. You will not regret it and neither will they.

Constant challenges

They are everywhere. I find myself knowing what needs to be done, but am still being the ever "cautious and play it safe" girl I have always been. Some situations require that, but most of the time it is just in my head. I need to continue to remind myself of everything that I want to change, but am afraid to. Afraid of disappointment, of failing, of getting hurt, and the list goes on. It makes me sad when I think about how I could be, but deep down I know I am not there yet, completely. Most days are better than others, but when given new challenges, old habits want to creap their way back in. I have to find ways to overcome and keep those old thoughts away so that I can continue to be the person I need/want to be. I have reminded others lately that I do not like any attention on me. A co-worker asked me earlier this week if I had been losing weight. I shrugged it off and said "maybe". You and I both know the answer, but as much as I was grateful that she noticed, I also just wanted that conversation to be about anything else, but me. Even talking with my boss about my upcoming review makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because I expect any surprises or anything bad, but I don't want the the attention. Deep down...I know I need to let go of this fear and accept the challenges and need to quit trying to run from them. Doing so only leaves me back where I was, not further ahead, where I want to be. This is so hard, but I know will be worth it. Have an AWESOME day!