Simple things that mean the most

I love giving to others. It is one of those things that I do best. And my favorite way is to give without others knowing it was me, even though I know. I was smiling the other day when I was remembering leaving enough money at the coffee place for the next person to get their coffee that day for free. Last night, I was the recipient of such a simple and kind gesture. It still has me shaking my head wondering, "Why would someone do that for me?" Even though the action was not made by a complete stranger, those things don't happen to me and I question their meaning when I shouldn't. Sometimes it scares me and I want to run. Once I fight through all of the questions and actually let my head stop for a second, my heart gets a turn to let me see her side to everything. As I stop to breathe and let me guard down, that is when it hits me. Like a sack of bricks falling from a 3-story building, right upside my temple. That's when I fall...when I put down the walls and let it happen because it should and I accept that someone cares THAT much to take a few hours out of her day to help me. The question, "Would you do it for me?" when asked of me always gets a loud "YES." The admission that comes next sometimes is hard to swallow, but I know I have to let it come to me. I am better at giving than receiving. Always have been. I do not do the receiving of anything very well. Never have. Even though it doesn't happen like that for me. Even when I might regret saying too much right now. Even if moments from my past sometimes creep into my today. I am reminded of telling kids that when we give of ourselves without any expectations, we actually do get something in return. I also say that doing the smallest things that we might take for granted might just mean the world to someone else. The smallest, tiniest little things - words and actions - most of the time can mean the most. The choice is not mine to make and I have to let that choice be made. Even if I don't like it, but especially because someone wants to give to me. It is still processing right now. I have to find the the courage to let someone love me, but it is hard. But with the smallest of things, please know that it simply meant the world to me. Still does. Always will. Thank you.

What I write

Last night, I had another group of words come to me that is posted under, "I can see" - I hope you enjoy it. It is strange when things like this come to me but I am forced to write to down when it comes so that I don't forget it. My mind works in peculiar ways but I am learning to trust my heart more than my mind. I have to take chances which include doing something I am driven to do, with no real answers in front of me and lots of uncertainty around the corner. I have to try and attempt to make it different and better. I have talked before about sharing your gifts with the world being vital to who we are and where our lives take us. How many times are signs in front of us that we ignore and just push aside because we think the timing isn't right or we believe that it won't work? Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I just found 10,000 ways that didn't work." I know we question, hoping for everything to work out for the best, but we have no guarantees. I write because it is part of who I am and at different times, I realize that I feel better when I do it. The blog is similar, but more about trying to keep you all looking at what you need to do to change your life. Ultimately, we are all in the same boat...just at different ports of call, but have life in common. That is what ties us to one another and bridges the gaps across the oceans, despite language barriers, and makes us more similar than we realize. We all treasure the same things - loved ones, a warm home, food on the table. We all have the same feelings through anger, sadness, love, and fear. I write to bring us togther and allow us to be more than we were before. I am never sure if what is shared makes any difference, but I have to try. Sometimes, it starts with just one person wanting to make the day different than it was yesterday. Have you trusted to give your gifts away? I can see myself doing this for the first time in my life.

Feeling a little lost today

For the last 10 months, I have questioned what this all means and where it was taking me. Although I was unsure of where I was going, how to get there, and what to do once I arrived, I still went on this journey. I even appreciated it and learned to embrace it. I have become more free and open with who I am and have shared with you, even when I was fearful and nervous. I have evaulated past experiences and have determined that all of them have led to me to where I am now. Here is the thing today - I still have questions. I still don't know where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do. I am feeling a little lost today and as much as I had lived most of my life with just going with no real direction in sight, today feels different. Before, I didn't know I needed to go somewhere so following something I could not explain was new. Now, I am still on the same road, but feel like I have stopped at a truck stop along the way - not sure how long I will stay here or for what reason. I usually do my best thinking when I run in the morning, but sometimes that gets me into my biggest trouble too. I start to over think and that is not always good. I need to refocus on what it is that motivates me, what drives me, and surround myself with those people who will be there. It has been easier in my life to handle it all on my own and admit that I don't readily accept help, therefore have learned to rely on people less. It is very uncomfortable for me to be put in that situation. Maybe that is why I am stuck - I am trying to distance myself somewhat from someone, but find it very difficult to do so. I will keep searching today...I need to get back to where I was. Thinking about you all.