Taking Chances

I thought this past week was going to be like any other week. Boy, was I wrong in so many ways. First, on Valentine's Day, Rocky shows up after a long sabatical, a kid threatens to hurt me, and I get selected to serve on a 3-day jury trial. The biggest event was when Rocky came back into my life so unexpectedly. Every day was a reminder of her. Her mom helps to watch over jury trials, so I spent three days with her mom and every time I looked at her, I thought of Rocky. There was even a juror with her same first name. Here I am surrounded by her mom, hearing her name, and yet so detached from her. Friday night, I came home and wrote a 4 page letter, trying to explain to Rocky where I was and where I wanted to be. In the letter, I mention several times that I may never give her this letter, but also needed to be very honest and tell her what I was thinking and feeling. I decided to completely and unconditionally forgive her. I cannot forgive her if I keep the walls up and we both agreed that neither of us wanted that for our future, not really knowing what that meant. I had texted her on Thursday night and told her that I felt the walls going up. I think she understood. On Saturday, I get a text from her that she is at the library and was curious what I was doing with my weekend. I wasn't doing anything since my guys were out of the house, so I went to see her. It was almost automatic when I left my house, like I didn't even think twice or hesitate about where we were. I had to go and I took the letter with me along with a card I made for her that I had never mailed. As we sit in one of the back rooms, I take out the letter and read it to her, not knowing how she is going to take it, but I needed her to hear it from me. It was very liberating and revealing and I was grateful that I wasn't keeping it from her. In order for us to move forward, we cannot have walls and I told her last night that the past is the past. We talked for three hours yesterday and then traded texts later last night. I think we both came to the conclusion that we are even better now than we were before all of this happened, even though it was hard and we both hurt. She decided that she needs to forgive herself for hurting me and I think she is on that track. We both took risks this past week to fight for something we both want and we trusted that even though it was painful, it was real. Through this all, we have both decided to take more risks with other things in our life that inspire us and make us happy. I have put my dream on hold, not feeling like I could inspire someone else when I did not feel inspired. I realized that I cannot play it safe and have to take risks if I want anything to change, even if that means I don't succeed. I have to try. I have to give it my all and lay it all out there. Are you doing that in your life? Are you willing to do that in your life? "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." Take risks to change whatever you want to change - you can.

Wild week...and it is only Wednesday

On Monday, I told you about how a dear friend surprised me and reconnected with me after a hiatus from life. Then, I stopped by her house, unannounced the next morning. I think she was glad I stopped by and we chatted more about what happened and what we need to do to get back to where we want to be. We had a nice visit and it still felt very natural and not awkward. She asked me to give her another chance - a chance to make it up to me and even though we cannot go back, she wishes she could. It was good to see her and there are reminders of her everywhere. I cannot wear things she gave to me or write in a book she wrote in for me because they remind me of her. I told her that I still have a little doubt, but don't want to put the walls back up. I spent a lifetime building them and do not want to spend another lifetime putting them back up. Last night, I am working and start thinking about what I want for my dream and inquire with the kids I am with about an idea I have and they kind of get excited about it, but I never really tell them anything specific. I have put my dream and writing to the side and have not worked on any of it. I have not felt the passion about accomplishing more. One of the kids I was with last night kind of lost it and threatened me in a physical way, and I was left with no choice but to call law enforcement. He kept telling me that he did not have any potential and I talked with him for about 10 minutes about that I believe in every kid and will always believe in them. Then, something happened and he got very agressive and angry. On top of that, with all of those emotions, I was called in and am on a jury for the next three days. Do you ever have days like this? Where it just seems like it all comes at you at once, and there is no time to even breathe? I went out this morning, with the anticipation to run and didn't really and came home after not even doing half of my route. My heart wasn't in it. My heart has been tossed around, pulled from one emotion to another, and then there is everyday life thrown in on top of it all. I don't even know what to do next. Part of me feels like I am spinning out of control, but really just going with things as they come. Tonight is a night when I need to be reminded that every situation I faced this week could have been worse, as tough as it has been. My friend could still be hiding out, that kid could've hit me, and everything else. Sometimes, I need to take a step back and just breathe. Tomorrow is another day and I have yet to find out what will come of that. Enjoy your night!

Happy Valentine's Day

Today was a good day, and some things happened as I did not expect them to either. It was great to get out and run this morning. I thought it would be more difficult than it was, which made it more enjoyable. There were some slick spots at some intersections, but I was not the only one out at 5am. I know, you are just thinking to yourselves that there are more crazy people out there. Then, I sent two texts to the friend that I had mentioned in previous blogs. The first one said, "I'm still here and I miss you." Then, someone else comes to my office and asks me if I have heard from her and I reply, "no". I start thinking over the lunch hour that maybe I am not "hearing" what she is trying to tell me. Maybe she is walking away and I just need her to say it. I doubted and was letting my head win over my heart, but I sent another text, telling her that I am grateful for her and that I would always remember her. A few hours later, the unexpected happened. She showed up at my office, unannounced. I knew it was not going to be good, because she shut my door as she walked in as I was finishing up on a call. I didn't know what to feel or what to say. I didn't know if she would want to talk first, so I just let her say what she needed to say. Over the last few days, I have been practicing living my life without her in it, because essentially she wasn't. I didn't know how to let her know that I cared and I didn't know if she even read what I wrote in the text. She apologized and hopes she can make it up to me. There is nothing to make up. My heart told me that she would find her way back, but I did not know when that would be and that was the hardest part - waiting for her to choose, one way or another. I still am reeling from her just showing up today - I had played out in my head what would happen when I saw her or talked to her next, but I was not prepared for it today. Since she sent that message to me via facebook over a week ago, I have been trying to move on and wait for her to come to me. Since I get my facebook messages on my phone, I have tried to delete the messages that we traded that night. It wouldn't let me. It was a reminder that I knew was there, but didn't want to see everytime I looked at my phone. It reminded me how much I missed her and still wanted to communicate with her and be a part of her life. I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her before she left my office. I am not sure where she will go from here, but I hope she knows that I forgive her and am here for her. Always will be.