Almost one year ago...

It is hard for me to believe that it has almost been one year since this craziness started. It is even more difficult for me to try to remember who I was back then. It seems so long ago, yet so much of me has changed during what has been a short time. To think it all started with having lunch with a friend and asking what we are meant to do with our lives. That continued with an overflowing of courage to set my heart free by allowing others to come into my life after years of shutting people out. After so many years of being afraid, I no longer am. I finally understand the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I committed to an exercise program because a stranger asked me what I would change about myself and I gave her an honest answer. I started to feel like never before. I have let the wall come down and am very comfortable with where I am now and am willing (if not eager) to share it with others. This journey of life is now something I treasure instead of thinking that it is just a ride I am on until I am told it is time to get off. I used to question what I could not understand and wait for what I thought was inevitable. My attitude towards my destiny is much different now than it was when this all started even. It has been like I have been living my life with blinders on and am just now seeing what the world has to offer. What a fool I have been. Oh well, I cannot go back. Thank you for your input, comments, and for believing in me. I hope you are better for knowing me than you were a year ago. We are in this together and together we will continue on our journeys.

Be grateful

It has been almost a week since I last posted, mostly because of the holiday. I hope everyone enjoyed their friends and family, had enough to eat, and truly found gratefulness in their lives. I am thankful everyday. Do you count your blessings more than once a year? If not, you need to. I told a friend last week that I was grateful for her sticking out a tough time with me - she never wavered, but I did. A lot. I am grateful for the wonderful, supportive husband whose biggest goal in his life is to make me happy. We playfully argue who loves the other more, but I think I love him more. :-) I am grateful for the (short as it was) time spent with our son coming home from college and the other two still at home. Although, one son today is really not making me grateful for the almost 14-year old attitude. However, generally speaking, I am grateful that they are all healthy, do well in school, and are good kids. I am grateful for the job I love and for the roads it has led me to so that I can see where I go from here. I am grateful for a little money in the bank and the life we have built here in Nebraska. I am grateful for those of you that find joy, humor, and life in this blog and am thankful that I found the courage to let me be me. I am thankful for new friendships and journeys along this road of life. I am thankful for my health and understand that I am no good to others if I am not taking care of myself. As hard as it was sometimes, I am even grateful for those struggles I needed to face to get me to today. I have no regrets and am looking forward to the future. Thank you, for listening.

Be Radiant today!!

Even though it is dark, a little drizzly, and chilly this morning, I want you to all be radiant today!! Let your light shine and bloom - even in this kind of weather. We should not let the weather dictate what we give to the world. We should shine MORE on these days because we can. Smile at complete strangers, say good morning to co-workers, be patient on the roads. It is amazing how just letting your light shine can bring smiles to so many others. As much as we need reminders to bloom, we need to also be radiant and bring joy to those around us. Do you know how much we can accomplish by letting ourselves be beautiful? I told a co-worker last week, that she was beautiful and she shrugged it off, as if she did not believe it. I know what that looks like - that was me. When she walked by again, I told her that I was serious and she did say "thank you", but I am not sure she still believed it. Let the walls come down and let us believe that we are all beautiful, radiant, and meant to bloom. A song I heard over the weekend has one line in it that stopped me mid-run - "Don't forget why you are here." We are all here for a reason - our reason is to be Radiant!!!!

How did we all get here?

No, not in the biblical sense, but how did so many of us women get to where we put the walls up and put up our arms to protect ourselves? Have we all been hurt in such ways (many of them different)that our first reaction is to be defensive? The possibility of this makes me extremely sad. How many other women out there are going through the motions, just trying to get through another day with taking the kids to school, making dinner, going to work, etc, where they are almost on autopilot? I believe that we all have "stuff" - different kind of stuff and somedays the "stuff" is worse than other days. But here is where we are all the same - we all have hearts and feel and give our hugs and smiles so freely to one another that it can make even the worst day so much better. I spent a few minutes visiting with a co-worker yesterday about what was going on with me last week and she just listened. She was trying to get me to see what I needed to change in my perspective of things as well as what I wanted from this point. Even though I do not know her very well (yet!), she came by my office to see how I REALLY was - and not the fake, "I'm good!" that most people give to you. I believe she really wanted to know. I want her to know that I appreciate her caring - she will know because she tells me she reads this a couple of times a week. We need to find a way to stop putting up the walls and let things happen and surrender to life - it will bring many blessings. Even baby steps move us forward. Make your life what you want it to be, not what it has given you. You can change it.

Inspiration vs. Motivation

As I was running this morning, several thoughts came to me, and I was very nervous that I would forget them before I could get home and write them down. I know it is pretty sad that I carry pen and paper in my car, in my purse, in my office, etc just in case some profound thought comes to my head, but I guess I never really thought about needing to keep it on me when I am running at 5am. My running partner may not like it if I have to stop every so often and write something down. We will see how that plays out. Anyway, back to this post...inspiration vs. motivation. I was reading the first few pages of some new books I was looking into reading the other day and I came across one that made me think about the title of this post. As people around me share with me that I have inspired them, I am always blown away by that much credit being given to me. I am just being me, or doing something for myself and as much as it is not an intentional inspiration, it is something that is outside of us. We can find inspiration in great stories from the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books, seeing someone do something kind for a perfect stranger, or hearing a message that resonates with us and stirs something perhaps long forgotten. But motivation is different. The book hints at how someone can inspire someone else, but cannot motivate them. The basic reason was that motivation does not comes from outside oneself, but from the inside. We have to find the motivation from within to do something different that we have been inspired to do. Motivation comes after inspiration, not before. Inspiration is the thought and the motivation is the action that follows. Here is my example, when I started running with Rocky, it was more about trying to do something for myself because she asked the questions. But knowing she only runs with me twice a week meant that I had to motivate myself to get up every morning and run without her. If you have been inspired, what did that motivate you to do? Have you followed through? Why or why not? It is not enough to just be inspired...you have to find the motivation to change something in your life. It can happen - be ready to receive it.

Different paths we end up on

This weekend, I spent a lot of time trying to decide what my dream is since I asked you to do the same. One thing I have learned is that I cannot ask you to do something that I am not willing to do myself. To decide what your dream is, first you have to find your passion. What is your passion? A couple of weeks ago, a friend asked me, "What do you want?" I told her I did not know, but I think I am closer to that answer. I wrote some things down and did more with those thoughts than I have in the past. Here is the purpose of this post - I wanted to be a lawyer when I was in high school, and yet I am no where closer to that profession, nor do I desire to be. Due to decisions and circumstances, I ended up on a different path than I thought I had previously wanted. After reading many books about how people get stuck in jobs they hate, working long hours, and not really living, they come to their "Ah-ha" Moment (thanks, Oprah!) where they decide to really start living their life the way they want to live their life. Are you one of those people that feels stuck? I encourage you to find what you are passionate about and see what you can do to follow your heart. Sometimes, the things we think we want turn out not to be what we really desire and motivates us. The key is that we need to be open to change and other opportunities that otherwise we would not have even seen. Keep your eyes and hearts open and you may just find yourself on another path you did not know existed. Believe me, it may be the better one too. Make your Monday Marvelous!!!!!!!

Review of "Walking Through Illusion" by Betsy Otter Thompson

I was contacted by Betsy who asked me to read and review her book, "Walking Through Illusion", where she mentions different people from the Bible and describes their situations and how we can apply similar thoughts and feelings to our own lives today. Betsy takes 23 crucial but equally important emotions and analyzes them through Jesus' eyes and interpretations, as she believes He would. Jesus answers these questions and always makes us not look at how to correct what is wrong by looking at the outside, but by looking at our own mirror. Too often, we find things that are negative in the world, but what we really should be doing is trying to find the positive in us and share that with the world. That in itself will make the world more positive. Betsy shares the path she has taken on her personal journey as she has come to this point in her life. I especially love the quotes at the beginning and the end of each chapter that make me stop and think. One of my favorites is, "Cherish the process. You never leave it behind you. You simply bring more of yourself to the process you are in." As I have continued on my own journey of finding my purpose and following my heart, I have come to the realization that "Today is the sum total of who I am." We all are. I believe that we cannot prejudge our destiny because of our past and therefore our destiny cannot be prejudged.
Thank you, Betsy, for sharing this wonderful book with me. I wish you wonderful success in life and hope to stay in touch.

Get real!

A few days ago, I mentioned that I was feeling a little lost. Although, I no longer seem to be stuck at the truck stop today, I have started moving, although I am still unsure of where I am headed. In recent days, I have put the wall up that I have spent 40+ years perfecting but I know it's purpose very well. It's cause is not something specific, but I know when I put the wall up, it is because I create questions, then have doubt, then get scared and finally, want to retreat. It is a defense mechanism to protect me so that I feel like I have control of what is around me. This morning, I could not sleep and was up at 3am. The wall came crashing down with tears. My brain keeps trying to tell my heart what to do because that is the way the heirarchy has worked for me up until about 10 months ago. Every now and then, the brain tries to rule the heart and that is a huge mistake, when I let it win. When I let my heart rule, I am finally real. Good, bad, and ugly and everthing in between. I am accepting of what "Get Real" means after years of not saying it; although it was a popular term when I was growing up. A friend told me she would rather see tears in my eyes than the wall. Whatever tasks come your way, whoever you pass today, remember to "Be Real!"

Feeling a little lost today

For the last 10 months, I have questioned what this all means and where it was taking me. Although I was unsure of where I was going, how to get there, and what to do once I arrived, I still went on this journey. I even appreciated it and learned to embrace it. I have become more free and open with who I am and have shared with you, even when I was fearful and nervous. I have evaulated past experiences and have determined that all of them have led to me to where I am now. Here is the thing today - I still have questions. I still don't know where I am supposed to go or what I am supposed to do. I am feeling a little lost today and as much as I had lived most of my life with just going with no real direction in sight, today feels different. Before, I didn't know I needed to go somewhere so following something I could not explain was new. Now, I am still on the same road, but feel like I have stopped at a truck stop along the way - not sure how long I will stay here or for what reason. I usually do my best thinking when I run in the morning, but sometimes that gets me into my biggest trouble too. I start to over think and that is not always good. I need to refocus on what it is that motivates me, what drives me, and surround myself with those people who will be there. It has been easier in my life to handle it all on my own and admit that I don't readily accept help, therefore have learned to rely on people less. It is very uncomfortable for me to be put in that situation. Maybe that is why I am stuck - I am trying to distance myself somewhat from someone, but find it very difficult to do so. I will keep searching today...I need to get back to where I was. Thinking about you all.

Being tested

I am trying to figure out what I am meant to do. What calls to me as I give freely of myself I have been reminded not to do. Yesterday was a day of questions and doubt. What I found very coincidental was the timing of it all. Yesterday morning, I had mentioned to my running partner, that I am not sure what I am supposed to do next, but I don't want the ride to end. She throws out some ideas and I listen, not even sure which one I like or which one is right for me. I also find the timing extremely poignant that I had just recently asked you all what your dreams are and what are you doing to pursue them. I met another friend for lunch and shared my dilemma with her and she gave me a little framed saying that reads, "God knows your purpose, do you?" As I have mentioned earlier, things happen for a reason. This all happening on one day, cannot just be coincidence...they are signs - telling me to be aware of what will come. I need to remind myself to continue to believe in myself, what gifts I bring to those I share them with, and to know that, after it is all said and done, that it will always be worth it. Have a Thankful Thursday!

Question for the day...

What is your absolute dream? I mean, what really sends your thoughts racing and opens your heart to be free? Ok, now that you have identified it, what is stopping you from achieving that dream? Let me guess...it is one of these four reasons...1. money; 2. fear of failure; 3. do not have enough time to pursue it; 4. not the right time in your life. Now, let's assume that money is no object; you are ready to succeed; can devote the time to follow your dream; and now is the perfect time. What would you do then? Would you fully commit to following your heart and therefore getting your dream? Since most of these reasons are not something that we can control, are you still willing to take a chance? Don't you want to say "I tried." I have my best moments when I see others have theirs. Nothing makes me more humble and appreciative to hear that I have inspired others to make changes in their lives. Sometimes, I do not have to participate to feel the glory - I just need to see it in someone's face. To hear the excitement in their voice, to see the passion in their eyes, to feel the joy in their heart - will always give me goosebumps and make me smile. I am not sure what I expected when I started this 10 months ago; in fact, it would be pretty safe to say that I did not expect anything. For the planner, type-A personality that I am, I find that very interesting. My entire life, I have calculated and analyzed (just like Dr. Spock from Star Trek!) and then and only then, have determined which outcome would offer the best results. Yet, I have done none of that with this process. Maybe I was holding on too tight - trying to control everything. You cannot lose control of something that you hold on to, right? Yet, surprisingly enough, it was only when I chose to let go, with no expectations or plans, did things actually work out better, maybe even better than I might have planned. I believe that everyone has a common dream - to leave your mark on this world and hope that after you are gone, that people remember what you meant to them and the deeds you accomplished. Even if one of those four reasons is stalling your dream, it does not mean, it should still not be pursued. My dream is to help you be better at being who you are - believing that you are valuable, wonderful, and can shine when you let it. Someone once told me that if I waited until I could afford kids to have them, I never would. Then, why wait to fulfill a dream? The best part is when dreams come true and you are there to see it. Dare to dream - and dream big!