Remember who you are

Last week in church, our pastor had mentioned this phrase in his sermon, but used it when his teenage children would leave the house, going out to spend time with friends. These four words really stuck with me last week and then I was reading one of my new books and saw it again. "Remember who you are." Do you know who you are? Do we try to be something we are not, sometimes to please others? I think we all do at some time in our lives. However, the real issue is that if we say, "I don't know who I am", we are not being truthful. We all know who we are. We can identify our likes and dislikes, what brings us joy, what makes us sad. Maybe we are asking the wrong question (Who am I?) and need to be asking something more appropriate, like what do I do with me? What purpose do I need to fullfill? This is how we find our passion and start living our dream. So many times, we get stuck in the rut of living our daily lives that we forget about our future, what changes we can make in this world, and how what we say affects others around us. You have to be willing to ask the questions, even if the answers do not come right away. Keep asking the questions. There are people in over 21 different countries that have at one time read this blog and that humbles me beyond belief. I started this blog a year ago at the urging of some friends to allow them to see what I was writing because they wanted to be a part of it and share my journey with me. Never did I think that people all over the world would find what I write of interest, let alone that they would find this little snipit of my life. Our name identifies who we are on paper and so we can be identified when talking with people, but who we are comes from within. Ask yourself today, "Who am I?" and it will be the easiest test you take because you know the answers. Everyday, as you go about your daily tasks or pursue new adventures to satisfy a longing in your heart, remember who you are. If you forget, we will remind you. Have a wonderful weekend!

Life never goes as planned

I ordered three new books last week and they arrived yesterday. I am not sure why I even ordered them since the last thing I need right now is something else to do, even though I am better for it. However, I also did need to use a gift card that was given to me for the holidays. As I took a brief moment to reflect on what has transpired in my life over the last year or so, I came to this revelation - life does not go as planned. As young adults beginning on our own away from parents, we really become aware of the things that we really have no control over, but must learn to deal with ourselves. Our oldest son is a sophomore at college and he is about 2 1/2 hours away from home and has learned to grow up quite a bit since he left. However, that has also made him resourceful and more reliable on what he is capable of doing, without our help. I was trying to remember what my life was like before I asked for it to be different - pretty much the same that it had been for many years. It is really hard for some people to understand or explain when they inquire as to why I am different now. I went to lunch with a co-worker that I do not know very well, but have also enjoyed working with him. When things were not going well at work, he sent a very supportive email that was very much appreciated. It was interesting to hear about changes and reflections that he has made recently in his life and I share with him more about "my journey". Do you ever shake your head and wonder, "How did I get here?" I do that probably at least once a day. Not because I am really questioning, but more because I cannot believe I am where I am. I cannot plan what happens next, but I am moving ahead like never before. It is what drives me and little reminders of what I am supposed to be doing with my life seem to pop up, just to make sure I am paying attention. Don't waste a lot of time planning what you think will happen, because chances are it will happen anyway and in a way that you didn't plan for. I had played out in my head every way that I thought Rocky and I would meet for the first time after we didn't talk for so long. If you had seen my face when I saw her for the first time, you can bet I didn't look like I had planned that one. Live your life...don't think so much...treasure what you have been given.

Adversity makes you stronger

I was talking with our youngest son this morning about something not related to this blog and I told him, "Adversity makes you stronger." He told me he did not know what that meant. That got me thinking...I know, watch out. Adversity is never anything we wish for because that means that there are struggles and no one likes to struggle. No one wishes that their loved ones struggle. Yet, it is there for all of us. Sometimes, even when we don't think it will be. I spent the next few minutes trying to explain to him that if everything came "easy", then it wouldn't mean as much nor would you feel like you had to work for it. In our family, we have raised our sons not to quit because something got difficult - we have taught them to work harder to get through it because it is difficult. My oldest son had a baseball shirt that read, "We never said it would be easy. We said it would be worth it." I see so many parents in my job that want to make their kids' mistakes "go away" because that is easy. We also believe in sending the message so expectations are never hidden. When we are down, on our knees, feeling like we do not have the strength to stand, that is when it all comes from within. The strength to stand and fight for what we want - to do all we can to make it better than it was before. We cannot win all of the time at everything - no one can. But we can always reach for success and keep trying. Wayne Gretzky said, "100% of the shots you never take ever go in." You are going to fail so expect that to happen. But you will learn something each time you do. You will learn what kind of person you are and what you want and what you are willing to do to get what you want. Adversity comes in many different forms - in comes in people, situations, and things that we will never be able to change. Be strong today. You will be grateful that you did. Imagine what you can do with the strength you now have!!

Taking Chances

I thought this past week was going to be like any other week. Boy, was I wrong in so many ways. First, on Valentine's Day, Rocky shows up after a long sabatical, a kid threatens to hurt me, and I get selected to serve on a 3-day jury trial. The biggest event was when Rocky came back into my life so unexpectedly. Every day was a reminder of her. Her mom helps to watch over jury trials, so I spent three days with her mom and every time I looked at her, I thought of Rocky. There was even a juror with her same first name. Here I am surrounded by her mom, hearing her name, and yet so detached from her. Friday night, I came home and wrote a 4 page letter, trying to explain to Rocky where I was and where I wanted to be. In the letter, I mention several times that I may never give her this letter, but also needed to be very honest and tell her what I was thinking and feeling. I decided to completely and unconditionally forgive her. I cannot forgive her if I keep the walls up and we both agreed that neither of us wanted that for our future, not really knowing what that meant. I had texted her on Thursday night and told her that I felt the walls going up. I think she understood. On Saturday, I get a text from her that she is at the library and was curious what I was doing with my weekend. I wasn't doing anything since my guys were out of the house, so I went to see her. It was almost automatic when I left my house, like I didn't even think twice or hesitate about where we were. I had to go and I took the letter with me along with a card I made for her that I had never mailed. As we sit in one of the back rooms, I take out the letter and read it to her, not knowing how she is going to take it, but I needed her to hear it from me. It was very liberating and revealing and I was grateful that I wasn't keeping it from her. In order for us to move forward, we cannot have walls and I told her last night that the past is the past. We talked for three hours yesterday and then traded texts later last night. I think we both came to the conclusion that we are even better now than we were before all of this happened, even though it was hard and we both hurt. She decided that she needs to forgive herself for hurting me and I think she is on that track. We both took risks this past week to fight for something we both want and we trusted that even though it was painful, it was real. Through this all, we have both decided to take more risks with other things in our life that inspire us and make us happy. I have put my dream on hold, not feeling like I could inspire someone else when I did not feel inspired. I realized that I cannot play it safe and have to take risks if I want anything to change, even if that means I don't succeed. I have to try. I have to give it my all and lay it all out there. Are you doing that in your life? Are you willing to do that in your life? "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." Take risks to change whatever you want to change - you can.

Wild week...and it is only Wednesday

On Monday, I told you about how a dear friend surprised me and reconnected with me after a hiatus from life. Then, I stopped by her house, unannounced the next morning. I think she was glad I stopped by and we chatted more about what happened and what we need to do to get back to where we want to be. We had a nice visit and it still felt very natural and not awkward. She asked me to give her another chance - a chance to make it up to me and even though we cannot go back, she wishes she could. It was good to see her and there are reminders of her everywhere. I cannot wear things she gave to me or write in a book she wrote in for me because they remind me of her. I told her that I still have a little doubt, but don't want to put the walls back up. I spent a lifetime building them and do not want to spend another lifetime putting them back up. Last night, I am working and start thinking about what I want for my dream and inquire with the kids I am with about an idea I have and they kind of get excited about it, but I never really tell them anything specific. I have put my dream and writing to the side and have not worked on any of it. I have not felt the passion about accomplishing more. One of the kids I was with last night kind of lost it and threatened me in a physical way, and I was left with no choice but to call law enforcement. He kept telling me that he did not have any potential and I talked with him for about 10 minutes about that I believe in every kid and will always believe in them. Then, something happened and he got very agressive and angry. On top of that, with all of those emotions, I was called in and am on a jury for the next three days. Do you ever have days like this? Where it just seems like it all comes at you at once, and there is no time to even breathe? I went out this morning, with the anticipation to run and didn't really and came home after not even doing half of my route. My heart wasn't in it. My heart has been tossed around, pulled from one emotion to another, and then there is everyday life thrown in on top of it all. I don't even know what to do next. Part of me feels like I am spinning out of control, but really just going with things as they come. Tonight is a night when I need to be reminded that every situation I faced this week could have been worse, as tough as it has been. My friend could still be hiding out, that kid could've hit me, and everything else. Sometimes, I need to take a step back and just breathe. Tomorrow is another day and I have yet to find out what will come of that. Enjoy your night!

Happy Valentine's Day

Today was a good day, and some things happened as I did not expect them to either. It was great to get out and run this morning. I thought it would be more difficult than it was, which made it more enjoyable. There were some slick spots at some intersections, but I was not the only one out at 5am. I know, you are just thinking to yourselves that there are more crazy people out there. Then, I sent two texts to the friend that I had mentioned in previous blogs. The first one said, "I'm still here and I miss you." Then, someone else comes to my office and asks me if I have heard from her and I reply, "no". I start thinking over the lunch hour that maybe I am not "hearing" what she is trying to tell me. Maybe she is walking away and I just need her to say it. I doubted and was letting my head win over my heart, but I sent another text, telling her that I am grateful for her and that I would always remember her. A few hours later, the unexpected happened. She showed up at my office, unannounced. I knew it was not going to be good, because she shut my door as she walked in as I was finishing up on a call. I didn't know what to feel or what to say. I didn't know if she would want to talk first, so I just let her say what she needed to say. Over the last few days, I have been practicing living my life without her in it, because essentially she wasn't. I didn't know how to let her know that I cared and I didn't know if she even read what I wrote in the text. She apologized and hopes she can make it up to me. There is nothing to make up. My heart told me that she would find her way back, but I did not know when that would be and that was the hardest part - waiting for her to choose, one way or another. I still am reeling from her just showing up today - I had played out in my head what would happen when I saw her or talked to her next, but I was not prepared for it today. Since she sent that message to me via facebook over a week ago, I have been trying to move on and wait for her to come to me. Since I get my facebook messages on my phone, I have tried to delete the messages that we traded that night. It wouldn't let me. It was a reminder that I knew was there, but didn't want to see everytime I looked at my phone. It reminded me how much I missed her and still wanted to communicate with her and be a part of her life. I gave her a big hug and told her that I loved her before she left my office. I am not sure where she will go from here, but I hope she knows that I forgive her and am here for her. Always will be.

"Living Life" by Bonnie L. Mohr

I was doing some shopping today and came across a picture with a saying that I just had to buy. It seemed like the words were speaking directly to me, although I was not the only one in the store, nor was I alone in that aisle. I think I even looked around to see if anyone else saw it on the shelf. There were several rows of these frames and I had to take it home. It is already hung in a place where it welcomes our friends and family and it will catch their eye and they will read it. I hope you find these words as powerful as I did and encourage you to live your life.

Life is not a race - but indeed a journey. Be Honest. Work hard. Be choosy. Say "thank you", "I love you", and "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, it is not accidental - search for your purpose and do it as best you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself - plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know. Live for today, enjoy the moment."


Wow. So many words that seem so relevant to me alone, yet I am sure that that cannot be true. Hopefully, this resonates with some of you as well, regardless of what is going on in your life. As I have mentioned before, I believe that there are reasons for everything, and therefore everything has a reason. Even if we don't see the reason. There is a great plan in motion and I have learned that the more I think I am controlling it, the less I really participate in it. I was detached from living for such a long time and had let my lack of "feeling" be a way to keep me safe. There is a difference between unfeeling and uncaring - I care about a lot of things, but I really never let my heart speak for me. I always let "the logical choice" rule and never saw anything wrong with that option. Until I took more chances, even when I was fearful beyond belief, and really started living. I am extremly grateful for this new opportunity and will not toss it aside, as I have done for so long. My Life Statement is a reminder of everything I have longed for and been afraid to seek. I am living my life - as I only get one chance to live it. Live yours!

Take care of me first

I received an email yesterday from a co-worker that literally took my breath away. Now, those that know me know that I love to talk so for me to be almost speechless, it must have really set me reeling. Here it is - "Before you can be anything to anyone, you must first be everything to yourself." - Taylor Thornton. I realized that I cannot serve others unless I serve myself first. I had temporarily lost track of why I am here, writing several times a week, and what dream I am dreaming. I have to continue doing my thing and other things that are not in sync will come at their own time. I have to trust that and have faith. I have to let those things be and they will change on their own. I have no control over any of it. I know this is going to sound funny, but I am really looking forward to next week - the overnight temperatures might be in the mid 20's so I can get out and run. The elliptical is still not doing it for me like running does. I am especially looking forward to March when the temperatures will be a little more realiable. I was recently asked to participate in a half-marathon with a friend from work in October. I am so excited! I have learned over the last month that I am capable of doing more than I think I can, because I believe I can. Attitude is key when adversity shows its ugliness, when we question and doubt, when we feel lost. At those times, we might feel like a dead battery in a car - we cannot do anything, regardless of how many people try. But it is when we get a "jump start" that we roar back to life and we are back to normal. All of our lights work, and we can go places, and we function like we are supposed to again. I am sure we all feel like a dead battery at times. Every week when I say goodbye to my mom, she tells me to "take care of yourself" - I just tell her that I have to because no one else will do it and I am no good to others if I don't. Remember to take care of yourself.

Want to be there for a friend

How do you help someone who won't let you? Who won't take your calls? Who needs you? How do reach out to someone that isn't willing to reach back, even though it is difficult? How do you tell someone that you care so much? I am in such a predicament now. Most of the time, I am pretty good at hiding my emotions, but have spent my entire life doing that, so I am not doing it anymore. Even my husband doesn't usually see my vulnerable side. Last night, he asked me what was wrong and why I wasn't "myself." As I rolled over in bed, I simply said, "I miss my friend." Today, he inquired more and I told that she has closed herself off from the everyone and I haven't spoken to her in some time. In truth, I was up at 4am not being able to sleep. So what do I do at 4am? I write. I write in a journal I keep next to my bed, using a pen with a little light at the end so I don't wake my husband. Here is the irony - she gave me that pen (knowing that I sometimes have to write in the middle of the night - she has seen it first hand) and I am using it to write about her. She told me that I was stuck with her for a very long time, even when I did not believe that about anyone, but especially her. She needs to know that she is stuck with me for a very long time and her shutting me out will not ever change that. I believe that she will open herself back up to the world. I know she needs me, but perhaps she doesn't know how to start over. I wish she knew that she does not have to do this alone - that people love her and care about her and will be there for her. Two people can do more than one person can - "Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively. If one of them falls down, the other can help him up. Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is hard to break." - Ecclesiastes 4:9. I will not give up on her just as she did not give up on me. I don't know why she didn't, even when I am sure that it was more difficult than she thought it should be and at times, maybe didn't even understand me. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that we are in this together. I am not going anywhere, and hope she reaches soon. This temporary world she has allowed herself to be placed in does no one any good. It would be like knowing you are going to run in a marathon, but doing nothing to prepare for it. Eventually, reality will show itself again. Regardless of when, please know that I am here, whenever you are ready.

Everyone has struggles

I have missed a very dear friend, who was hurting, but I did not know it. She has been feeling like she has spiraled out of control and is so far down, she does not know how to get back to where she was before. I know most of it may be work related but work is not who we are - it should not define us. Last night, after not hearing from her for some time, she reached out to me. I would have loved to hear her voice, or better yet, to see her, but it came via the web. It still came. It was unlike her not to communicate with me for so long, and she knew I was having my own struggles and wanted to be there for me. Instead, she has closed herself off from the world. We all hit rock bottom in our life - when the well surrounding us seems to make us feel more contained and afraid; when we don't remember how we got there to even see if we can go back; when we cannot see any light to guide us in another direction; when we are in great despair. It is only then when we have to reach for others to help us because we will not be able to do it alone. We have to trust that those that we know will be there, are truly there. Her self-contained prison has made me very sad for her because I am there to help, but she has to want my help. I have left the decision up to her and will wait to hear from her, which I hope is soon. Are there people in your life that are having their own struggles? Maybe even those you don't know about? Have you reached out to them? Please don't think that because they don't tell you what is going on that they don't want to; maybe they just don't know how. I told her more than once (ok, maybe 4 times), "Don't give up." Don't quit on me, on anything she holds near to her heart, on life. The ironic thing is that one of the last things she said to me (in a different context) was, "Don't quit." I want to give her a hug and tell her that it will be ok. We keep working on asking the questions and wait for the answers. The answers will never come if we are not willing to ask the questions. It is not something that we have to decide today, tomorrow, or even this week. Keep reaching out to those you love and tell them exactly how you feel, even if it means asking for forgiveness or telling them what they mean to you. Some time ago, I had decided to let Rocky not just see the good, but the bad and the ugly too because that is real life. She especially wanted to see the bad and ugly, not because she wished that for me, but that I would share that with her. Let your friends and family help when the bad and ugly show up at your doorstep. Eventually it comes to all of us, and as long as we have people that will help us out of that well we will always be bonded together because of sharing that moment. One of my favorite sayings is, "Not my problem." Make your loved ones' struggles your problem and do not let them push you to the curb. Be there for them. You will not regret it and neither will they.

The need to say something...anything

As I sit in my office watching it lightly snow, I am compelled to write, but don't have a subject right at the tip of my brain at this very moment. Maybe there are too many thoughts up there and it is difficult for me to pick just one. I cannot believe that it cannot be the alternative - that there are no thoughts up there at all. I have tried really hard this week to get back to the Bloomin' me - I even got a note from a friend who reminded me that she likes to see me when I am bloomin. I have expected things from others and have been disappointed; I have thought criticisms of me would never come; I have had to find strength again in the one place it will always be - within myself. I have been resilient at conquering tasks that might others cringe, and even if I was not successful, I felt a great sense of pride knowing that I had never given up. I move forward and carry on - that is what I do. We all need to do that in our lives. Sometimes we just want someone to be there to listen - not to fix it or give advice - just to know that they were there for us can make a huge impact. Try to see other people's points of view, even if they don't see yours; apologize even if you don't think you need to, even if they never do; have faith in others, even when you think you want to give up and throw in the towel. Remember to feel...and share those feelings with those you love. I will never forget what my dad said as our family's statement the day I got married - he said, "Love is not a word, but an action." How do you show those that you love with your actions? I know we sometimes think about ourselves and become selfish at times - who doesn't? Part of my mission statement discusses how I will say what I want to say when I feel it, but if I don't, then I am just censoring myself and am being worse than selfish - I am not being true to me. You can be honest without being hurtful, but you have to try. Remember why you are here...

"That's how winning is done"

Weather here over the last few days has been downright miserable, but no sense in worrying about it or complaining - it doesn't change anything. Things have gotten better since I had to pick myself back up this week. Some times it is harder than others to do that, but we know we have to in order to move forward. The quote above is from a "Rocky" movie - yes, another Rocky comment. We can blame my Rocky. In part of the theme song, Rocky comes on to say, "It is not how hard you get hit, but how how you can get hit and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done." I am not one to just give up and quit. Even when I was younger, my dad tried to use reverse psychology and say, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Just quit then." I never wanted to quit at anything because then I would feel that whatever I had failed at had won. I don't handle that too well. I want to feel successful at just about everything I try and do. Regardless of how much time I practice it, I expect to play golf like the pros, even though it might have been a year (or longer) since I picked up a club. I am very competitive, but not against others. Against myself. Although, my expectations are lowered since having kids and I have noticed that they are (at times) just as competitive as I was when I was their age. How many of us are better at preaching about what we should do, but sometimes forget to practice it? My hand went up, did yours? Winning isn't always about there being a winner and thus, a loser. It is about being better than you were, so when we get knocked down, we have to get back up and keep trying. Over the weekend, my husband and I were flipping through the channels and found the X-Games for the para skiers. These guys have no movement in their legs and some have no legs at all. I think I overheard one announcer say this one skier lost his legs due to an IED over in Afghanistan or Iraq. Was he sitting at home, eating Cheetos and being lazy? No, this guy is out there competing with other men who sit on a specially formulated seat with one ski in a race. Now, I cannot ski to save my life - I don't like the feeling of being out of control, so I am really the Queen of the snow plow. I was truly humbled in watching these men and think of them as I type this post. They have been hit hard by circumstances that literally changed their lives and knocked them back, but they keep moving forward. Those are the kinds of attitudes and humbling sights that will ALWAYS motivate me to give my best. Even if I don't win. There is an old saying that comes to mind, "A winner never quits and a quitter never wins." Be winners today and even when you think you have less to give or don't measure up, there is always someone out there that has less than you do and is making more use of that than you are. Stay warm and safe.