Wednesday, April 27, 2011

All in!

Ok, so this saying came to me over the weekend and I have been meaning to share it with you, but when I would think of it, I didn't have access to the computer or was rushing out the door. This attitude of "All in!" is one I have embraced as another motto for life. I am not much of a gambler and was not watching any poker on tv this weekend, but this still came to me. This applies to us - to our lives - to everything we desire and we have to have faith when we are committed to say, "I'm all in." It means that I believe, 100%, without a doubt that whatever I have is the BEST thing out on the table. We believe this so strongly that we are willing to chance losing everything as we have no guarantee that what we have is the best. But we have to be willing to lay it all out there. If we don't, we will never know. Sometimes, the "chips" we have at our disposal changes, because we win some and we lose some. Sometimes, even when we think what we have what it takes, someone else has been dealt something better, but we have is still pretty good and the luck just didn't fall our way. The hardest part is waiting for everyone else to show us what they have after we have decided to go "all in". We are anxious and nervous and almost cannot breath as we anticipate our fate. It can feel like time literally stood still and we "hurry up and wait". Is there something in your life that you hesitate about...that you want to commit to all the way, but are afraid of possible outcomes? You have to let go...commit all the way, without ever going back or regret, and HAVE TO go ALL IN. I have played it safe my entire life, living in a glass bubble, being protected. Now, I have plans to put all of my fears (ok, most of them :-)) aside and finally, finally, live all in. It is so liberating to say and be free of those self-imposed chains that I was shackled with for so long. I teetered on the fence about letting Rocky in and realized that I was making myself have motion sickness because of my indecisiveness. I had to choose. It was either keep to the status quo or do something different. I chose the latter and told her that I was "all in" with her today. No going back...no regrets...no safety net. Not that she didn't already know it, but I said it out loud (so it is real). At lunch, another possibility came my way unexpectedly and we will see where that takes us. As much as my stomach was turning because of the excitement and nervousness, I calmed myself when I reminded that I was "All in!" Be willing to take chances and be willing to accept when things don't go as expected, because regardless of the best planning, something will find a way to challenge you and question what you are made of and what you believe. Every struggle you face is meant to teach you a lesson...what are you supposed to learn? Find your Moxie and Go All In!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Reflection

Happy Easter to those who celebrate this day. As I watch the sun come up to the east and I see shiny spots of glistening dew on the the blades of the grass in my front yard, I reflect on life. Today, we remember what sacrifices were made on our behalf and that gives us hope. Yesterday, Rocky and I spent another good day together. For a charitable cause, we walked 25 miles in about 6 hours. It was cold and windy at times, and then I remember when the sun came out...we lifted our heads as if we were drawn to the warmth on our faces and took it all in. We were "Team Moxie" and had three other members that went with us, but they were done at the 5-mile and 10-mile marks. But Rocky and I weren't going to quit - especially when we got to mile marker 22 (or so they told us!). We learned more about each other, sang along with our ipods, and saw some pretty interesting things. Even when we were dancing to a song we liked, we didn't even care who saw us...we are at that point in our lives. Pleasing others or doing what is expected is not what guides us now. We are taking care of us first and "those that matter don't mind." They are just along for the ride. We are living our dreams and pursuing them to the fullest, with no safety net below. We understand that we may fall, but we are going to change our lives, either way. Something that is passionately driven cannot be prevented from moving forward. As you reflect on what your life is like now and compare it where you want it to be, what changes are you willing to make to make it different? Have you been stuck in a rut or settling for something less than what you desire because that is easy or you are unsure of where to start? The hardest part is always finding the courage to ask the question...whichever one you want answered. You have to listen and be open to the answer, even if it is not the answer you think it will be. Your heart will tell you everything you will need to know and it will be constant. It will not change. It will create excitement when you talk about it, even when you don't realize it. Someone told me once that she could hear the passion in my voice as I shared an idea with her, and all I could hear were the words. She told me I needed to listen to the passion and moxie that was coming through to her over the phone. Reflection is "fixing your thoughts on something or careful consideration" and as you find peace today, think about where you are and where you want to be. Live your life to the fullest, with no regrets, and be happy. My favorite thing is to see the ones I love be happy and shine while they are doing their "thing". Take the chance to not only change your life, but the lives of those around you. You never know when what you do will change the lives of others. Trust me...I have seen it first hand and it is the greatest gift you can ever give someone. You will never regret that.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Letting go

I will be the first one to admit that there are things worth fighting for and about, whether in principle or for those you love. When people are in the fighting mood, I am reminded of a quote by John Ortberg, "People will always be opposed to whatever threatens to destroy what they love." For some strange reason, I still think I am in control so I hold on tight - even to those things I cannot control. I was reminded today to find something (anything) positive in a situation that happened this week, that I could only find the negative in. I felt lost, in unfamiliar territory, with no real direction of where to go or how I would even get there. Like being on a ride at the amusement park you didn't want to get on to begin with, and you don't know how to get off, and you cannot seem to communicate with the guy running the controls to tell him that you want the ride to be over. I was relying on someone that I kept telling myself that I shouldn't need to rely on. I don't seek attention and actually defer to something else (anything else!) to get the attention off of me. Unfortunately, I thought holding tight would make it go away. It didn't quite work that way. Regardless of what else goes on around me, I can only control me - my thoughts, my actions, and what I do with both. I needed to revisit what I believe - even if I didn't want to - but I had to in order to move forward. Everything that I hold dear, everyone that cares for me, every thought and every dream that I have ever had requires me to let go. I have to ask for forgiveness and give it to others. I have to tell those people that I love them every chance I get. I have to force myself to allow others to give themselves freely to me, just as I would give to them. For the majority of my life, I have wondered if I was deserving of anything good. And even if something good came my way, I expected it to be temporary. I have been married for almost 22 years and have held on tight to that relationship and yet I find it so difficult to let others in. Again, not being able to control if others care about me and love me. I have to let go of any walls...let go of trying to control of other people's thoughts and actions...let go of thinking that I still have a say. Monday, I did not have a say and I really (REALLY) did not like it. Today, I was told that someone deserves me and that she was not going to let go. And she didn't. Letting go and "going with the flow" is easier said than done sometimes. At that point, when you finally quit fighting and surrender to letting it go and letting it in, you learn to accept and be thankful for your blessings. I was just reminded of something I often say to my boys - "It could be better, but it could also be worse." It could be worse - I could not have a family or friends that love me - that would do anything for me. I have to let go. A friend and I have a little thing we do when we are done with the last word about a topic, so here goes. "I'm letting go. Just saying."

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Constantly changing my thinking

I have been strong for so long and yesterday I was forced to let others help me. I hated every minute of it. And then some. The people that were with me know that I was nervous and my actions and words were probably results of not being in control of what was going on around me. I am better at giving my time, my energy, and focusing on others that I really struggle having attention directed at me, whether it is good or bad. Since I belive that "things are happening as they are meant to be", then I have to believe that everything before me...at this moment...is there for a purpose. It is something that I have to go through and learn from and believe in. I have to have faith in all that I know to be true and have to be willing to really give of myself in order for it to be different. For so many years, my thinking has been very one-sided - it has been keeping the walls up, to protect myself and being afraid. As much as I understand that I cannot go on living my life that way, it is hard to set aside so many years of doing it that way. I have to forgive those that take actions that might upset me, but they do it because they love me. I have to take to heart the consideration of others that might mean setting my own expectations away. I have not handled limitations on what I am capable of doing very well. I have always expected perfection and success at everything I did, regardless of what it was. I find myself in more situations recently where I need to stop (maybe slow down, because I never really stop)and think about what I want out of this life. I want to live a long time and give my heart to everyone and maybe, just maybe, allow you to see that your life can be different. I have said it so many times about "To get what you never had, you have to do something you never did." I am constantly having to change my perspective on life, in spite of what comes my way. People come into and out of our lives, jobs change, decisions have consequences. We have to learn to adapt, accept, and move forward as each new day comes. Be grateful for all that you have been blessed with in your life. Look for chances to bloom - it is spring and you need to keep changing if you want to grow.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

The Best Day

I am not even sure where to start, but I think the stars were aligned today. I still have a smile on my face as I think about all of the fun Rocky and I had today. When was the last time you could say that you had a great day? Are you waiting for it to come to you? It won't. You have to go get it. You have to choose to do fun, crazy things that people would just question you that you really did it. Yes, we have pictures. No, you will not see them. Even when we messed up and made fools of ourselves, we did not care who was around us or what they thought. We were "going with the flow" and having a blast. We laughed so hard at inside jokes, cold cracks, and playing tic-tac-toe. It was simply awesome. What makes you happy? What gives you a smile? Do you seek that and take time for it? YOU NEED TO!!! With life being chaotic at times, and unplanned, and with tons of responsibilites, you need to remember to have fun, even if it means you go back to your childhood when playing games like Jacks and Hopscotch was how you would spend your day. Sometimes, we have forgotten what it is like to have fun, have no fear, and just go in the moment. We must get back there at times...even momentarily. Doing so replenishes you and gives you enormous energy to tackle whatever is in front of you now. Promise yourself to take time for you and laugh, enjoy great friends, and live your life. You get one chance and you want to love it. Dig deep into your past and find those little snapshots of joyfulness and giddiness and being young at heart. We went there today and as much as I would not wish to going back to being in the 7-12 year old age bracket again, it was absolutely priceless today at 42. It was the best day I have had in a long time. Thanks, Rock.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Remember to have fun

Do you ever have such a great day and laugh so hard at the silliest things that your side just aches? The other day, Rocky and I were laughing so hard I could hear her smiling through the phone. Even when I heard her say, "Bye", I could tell she was happy. Just the word "kitty" makes us smile - inside joke, long story. She told me she started thinking about how many inside jokes we have that no one else would get and we seem to have so much fun together. Today, we were at the neighborhood park and went down the curvy slide just once an then we continued on our walk today. Yes, I even hit my head on the roof - I guess the park equipment is made for shorter people, but it was dark and I did not have my glasses or contacts on. Our biggest fear was that we were going to get stuck going down this red plastic slide and that would have made us laugh even more - at 5:30am. Good thing no one was around, but we would not have cared. It is these simple times, when we laugh and smile and just forget about everything else in life that seems so natural and comfortable. Do you remind yourself not to get too caught up in everyday chaos and just laugh and smile? Do you remember to be joyful? We need to do that more. We all have times when we have to step up and complete tasks and take on responsibilites. That is just a part of life - even when it is ugly and we don't like it. Sharing a smile with someone does something for you, too. I love to send cards and surprise people with little thoughts of happiness and love. Be goofy, laugh outloud, and be happy. Take time to smell the flowers, appreciate the good things in your life, and take an honest, vested interested in those that matter to you. As I visited with a co-worker today who recently lost someone she loved, she told me that she can tell who really cares about her when people say, "Please let me know if there is anything I can do." I hope that she knows that I mean it when I say it to her. She is finding ways to laugh again. This weekend, I was driving up to see our son and an hour and a half from home, I am driving next to someone from work that is totally seeing me focused and singing my little heart away to whatever happened to be playing on my radio at that moment. I talked to TS yesterday about it and we just laughed because we saw each other on the interstate so far from home. I didn't even care that I was in my own little world, singing off key. Laugh and have fun...life is way too short not to and you have to enjoy it.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Life is simply awesome

This past Friday, I had lunch with two BUNKO ladies and we had a nice chance to catch up. They see each other more than I had seen them, so we were mostly catching up on me. I also told them I was sorry for not being all that I should have been when we were together. They said that I didn't need to, but understood why I felt like I needed to apologize. They forgave me. Later on Friday, I also received some good news after waiting for a couple of days for a potential speed bump that would require a huge decision from me. But, I didn't have to make that choice and everything worked out. Rocky was so excited when I told her...I think she actually skipped in the street! I drove up to see our son on Saturday and surprised him and that made the 2.5 hour trip one way worth it - just to see him smile and get a hug. I will take one all day long. Life still has some unanswered questions for me, but we are taking them all in stride with information as it comes, with no worries. I also have a wonderful family and friends who love me and care for me like I never really appreciated before. That is clearly evident to me now. I am more blessed than ever, but not because these blessings just showed up all at one moment. My life has always been blessed but never did I express my regard for it like I am now. I know we all take things for granted at times, (who doesn't?) but we also need to remember to be grateful for what we have. I will admit (reluctantly) that I can be stubborn and dedicated (some have even called me pig-headed) at times when others are giving me advice that I do not want to hear. Who hasn't done that too? I know that when my friends are trying to help or that they worry about me, I understand why. I don't necessarily like it because I am better at helping others than I am at letting others help me. Welcome those little pleasures that make you smile...treasure your friends...love your family. Your life is simply awesome, too. You just have to believe that it is. Have a wonderful night...see you soon.

Strength

We have all been broken at one time or another in our lives. We have all felt sorrow, pain, grief, and sadness, too. Perhaps even some of us have felt so much pain, that it comes to us when we are alone, where we need to go. Have you ever felt like you have been in this place, when you are in the shower, on your knees, bawling? Like a baby. When there is nothing left to give, until you give it all away? Until you let it go? You cannot stop until you are done, but you have to get through it to get past it. Maybe you haven't been there, but you have been close. I have been married for almost 22 years and since my parents divorced when I was young, I wanted to ensure that my marriage lasted - for good. My husband and I believe that our marriage is the foundation of our lives - nothing else works if we don't work. Not our kids, not our jobs, not our bills, not our house, etc. NOTHING. If the foundation to your life is not strong and held together by love, understanding, compassion, and trust, then nothing else will work either. We raise to the occassion when we are pushed to see how much we can take. We are stronger than we think we are...we find courage when we are afraid...we believe in hope against all odds...Where do you find your strength? In books? In movies? In church? In friends? Do you ever look to find it within yourself? Some people forget to look there. Start there first, because sometimes you can stop there. Be strong today!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Spring is new life

Spring is probably my favorite season, but it has new meaning this year. Last year, I was in such a whirlwind that I was not sure what was happening. I had words and phrases that would just come to me, whenever; I started running (at 5am needless to say); and my entire outlook on life dramatically changed. For the good. I never saw it before, but I love watching the flowers (remember the bud vs. bloom post) come up from the ground after a long sleep. That is where we are...ready to come out of our slumber and show the world who we are. The green grass represents growing and color where dull and drab was over the cold winter. We are vibrant and exciting and ready to let the world see us bloom. I have messed up in my life, but hopefully not so badly that I cannot fix it or will not be forgiven. Faith comes at this time of year as it is restored into most Christians as we celebrate Easter. Every flower is unique as each of us are and it is imperative that we take our call from Mother Nature and share our selves, without hesitation with everyone around us. You have been given a chance to change your life...are you willing to do it? What would you do if you were not afraid? We would probably do lots of things...but are you willing to try? Even if you could fail? Would you feel worse for trying and failing or failing to try? Now is the perfect time to start a new - to try something you never thought you would. Rocky and I just celebrated our 1st year anniversary from our first running morning. I remember being so nervous about what to expect, seriously thinking to myself, "What did I get myself into?" Taking a chance on something new, something completed off my radar at the time, makes me better. The other day, I was not feeling my MOXIE, and I had to ask someone, "How do I get inspired when I am so used to inspiring others?" D told me that I need to get inspiration from others, just like others do. I find inspiration in admiring people who are so committed to their dreams that they stop doing what was expected of them. They leave the job they were educated for and follow their hearts. That is inspiring to me - for someone to have that kind of courage to walk away and be firm in their beliefs. It is spring - what new life do you want for you? It can be done. Go get it.

Practice what I Preach

I am at a crossroads, looking for signs on what to do next every where. If you see one, please let me know. I found myself in two different conversations over the last 24 hours that as I was processing my thoughts and giving input to others, I realized (sometimes in mid-sentence) exactly what I was saying to others, I needed to hear as well. My oldest son was sharing with me about someone he knew that appeared to him to always take the easy way out of difficult circumstances. I politely reminded our son that "our family does not quit something because it is difficult. We go through it BECAUSE it is difficult." Do you remember when I mentioned the speed bump that was in front of me on the road I am traveling? Well, that speed bump was tackled and yet a few more have appeared, and we will see what happens then. Then, my sister calls who is struggling with taking on a full time job after been without work since February of last year, but she also has been at home with her son since he was born in September. She can tell me every reason to take on the new responsibilities and her reason for not is she feels like she will be taking time away from her son. I get that. I was encouraging her to look at the bigger picture, not just what she could see now - wanting her to see things that are not even present yet. Last night, I was wondering if those two were signs about a potential decision that I may have to make and what steps do I need to take to make that decision, should it be necessary. Yesterday, I wrote, "It is more difficult to pursue our dreams than it is to give up on those that were never meant to be." We need to find the courage to follow those dreams, regardless of what they are or when they will happen. We have to believe in them in order for them to become reality. Giving advice is easy - taking it is another. I have wonderful friends who believe in my dream and are always supportive. Yesterday, one told me that this may not be happening the way I expected it to, but maybe those speed bumps are there for reasons also. I don't like the saying, "It is what it is" so I changed it to, "It is as it is meant to be." I guess it all comes down to me needing to practice. I am working on it. Get your MOXIE on!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What to do...

I was hoping today I would get more answers to the questions I have, yet that was not to be. Now, I have even more questions. Every scenario is playing out in my head and not sure what decision, if any, needs to made at this time. Not even sure that this is the right time to make such a decision. When I was asked a couple of weeks ago what my decision was going to be if this presented itself, I made it very clear what my decision would be. Now that I could be at that exact point, I question. I have to dig deep...I have to trust my heart...like never before. I have to be willing to lay it all out there, never sure of what tomorrow brings. I visited with an old friend today at lunch and it was so good to catch up with her. The funny thing is that we have actually known each other for years, but never really did anything socially like going to lunch before. It was nice to see J and hear what was going on in her life and share what was new in mine. Later, I sent her a text telling that it was a great lunch and she told me that I make her smile...I told her that was easy. I like easy. I read recently that nothing makes you feel better than knowing that the smile someone gives to you is probably a result of you giving them one (or something like that). I know that the answers are there for me...if I let them appear. But I have to be willing to accept them for what they are, even if I am afraid. It is hard to let go and wonder. I asked for signs all day today, hoping that the answers would come. So far, I have not seen any, but will definetely keep my eyes and ears open. Maybe they will come tomorrow when I run. Sometimes, that doesn't help - I end up with more questions. I have to have faith and believe in something not yet secure or definite. That can be hard to do. I have to believe it in order for others to believe in it. Wish me luck...stay tuned for more later. Have a wonderful evening.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Childhood came today

Today, Rocky and I went to run, but ended up talking and walking. We get different things when we are together in the morning. When we run, we get into shape and work on getting to be where we want to by physically. On our walks and talks, we learn more about each other and laugh and share life's trials and goofy stories and happenings. Our walk today started a little later than normal and it was a nice change to see the sun come up instead of always being "in the dark". As we approach a neighborhood park, she says, "Do you know how long it has been since I have been on a swing?" So, I said, "Let's go" and we got on the swings. I am sure that if anyone was watching these two 40+year old ladies get on the park swings, they must have thought it was quite funny. And then we talk and swing and talk and swing. Like we were 7 or 8 years old. Funny thing is that we did not know each other then, but it was like we went back to that time. Like we would have been friends even then, and it would have seemed normal. A time when life was simple and there were no worries, no responsibilities, just in the moment of life, whatever that would bring you. As we moved our legs back and forth and as we went higher in the air, I slightly laughed to myself as how we got there. After we got off, we decided that the seats were not very comfortable and might not be build for mature people like us. Maybe the seats are for 7 and 8 year olds. It was a special moment, and one that I will never forget. For a few minutes, it was like two little girls were doing what we would have done had we met many years ago. Talking, laughing, and swinging on park swings...like 7 years old girls do. Thanks, Rock, for taking us back to a much simpler time...if even for a few minutes.

Play ball! That's life!

Now, I am sure you are wondering what baseball has to do with this blog and life, for that matter. We are a baseball family with all three of our sons playing at every level from t-ball, to coach pitch to select to college ball. Plus, baseball season is upon us as we enter spring. I love to watch baseball, especially when one of our boys is playing. Not so much on TV. Life and baseball are very similar in many ways. Sometimes, we have different roles we play from being the batter (the one who is in the spotlight); to being the pitcher (the one who is getting his job done); to playing another position on the field, including being a coach. You need all of the positions to be filled in order to play the game. There are rules and equipment that is needed and it is most fun when people are watching. Sometimes, you can feel all kinds of confidence when you are playing 3rd base, playing out what you are going to do with the ball when it gets hit your way. Then, all of a sudden, a hard-hit ground ball comes your way and you fumble it and the batter is safe at first. Moments before, you were ready to go and blew it. Maybe you are the batter, and are ready to swing for the fences, thinking you have to hit a homerun so it will be memorable because you are down by 4 runs, it is the bottom of the 9th, with 2 outs and the bases are loaded. Here is your chance to be the hero. No pressure, right? Nothing like having all of the above and having a full count as well. You know the next pinch can be that ONE pitch that people remember forever. Here it comes...looks like it can be something you hit...and you whiff with a strikeout as everyone (on your team) lets out the breath they had ben holding. Game over. Who hasn't been there? Feeling like you messed up so royaly that no one will ever be able to forgive you. How about when you are on the 1st base side as a coach? When a runner needs to hear, "Good job!" or "Way to go!" and then we can also give out advice. Life is so much life baseball. At a moments notice, the game can change at the swing of a bat, at an awesome throw from centerfield as a runner tries to score, with a diving, giving it your all, dive to either side with a great grab. No inning is ever the same and you have to be ready for the next pitch, so wasting time worrying and remembering what happened on the previous play does you no good. You have to play in the now - when you are completely, and ultimately, here. Life is about so much and we need to come ready to play...all the time.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Making sense of it all

It is so hard to process information and try to determine what it all means. Especially when life keeps happening all around you, which ironically reminds us that we are here. I reached out to two more friends from that Bunko group from years past after seeing them at lunch this past week. I texted them both to them that I hoped we could get together and have lunch soon. I am hoping for next week. In some ways, I feel like I have come full circle, yet still not at the end. I know that sounds goofy, but when you get to a point where it seems to make sense of why you lived the way you did and now are at a different point in your life, then it seems to make sense. So many times, people over the the last year have said that I am not the same Michelle I was back then and they are so right. This Michelle is SOOOOO much better. I know I laugh more at myself and am happy. I feel joy in my heart and am genuine when giving my love to others and a hug to someone who needs it as they mourn someone they lost. Making sense of life does not mean that I have all of the answers - actually, I am learning something new every day. Probably the biggest lesson I have learned over this year is that I can do more, give more, and be more than I ever let myself be in the past. I learned that I do not have to be afraid all of the time and not every situation will turn out badly. I had an escape plan in those unfamiliar situations, just in case things started to go bad in a hurry, with one foot out of the door. I know I did that every day with Rock. It was extremely difficult to be completely and honestly engaged when I was ready to run. As I said in a previous blog, I am not afraid any more. I have committed to this life like never before and continue to be amazed at how much is returned to me as I give so much of me away. Without hesitation, without worry, without expectations. I understand more than I ever thought I would. I don't care what others think when I am letting the world see more of me. I told my mom yesterday that after almost 43 years, the world is getting all of me. I held on to something for so long, and in reality I just needed to let it go, but I was scared. Fear ruled my life. Living my life now - wide open and fulling alive - makes sense to me. And yet I am not sure that I could explain it to someone else. But I will keep trying so that their life makes sense to them. Enjoy your weekend - hope it is spring where you are as new life becomes renewed after a long winter hibernation.