Holding back

It was shared recently that I used to hold back when something upset me, but now I share my true feelings. Sometimes those true feelings get me into trouble but at least I am being honest and say what I need to say when I need to say it. But, I also want to hold back when I realize or believe that I am wearing too much on my sleeve for all to see. I want to do that right now...I want to hold back. I have given people all that I am and all that I have and it's still not enough. They hold back and I don't feel like I get all of them. The walls go up. I am torn with following through with a promise I made to holding back and retreating until it means more to them. I am not running...this is different. This is a break where I need to really find out what I am made of and where I stand. I could not sleep most of the night as I was perplexed about what to do next. I still don't have an answer. Part of me wants to step away and let things ride out. The other part feels like I need to stay true to what I said I would do. If I do that, then I would be faking my way through it because I would want to say more. We all hold back and try to tackle the world on our own, but we need each other and it makes tackling the world something that is much more manageable. The world doesn't seem so big and heavy then. Holding back creates walls and walls create separation. Separation creates distance and distance creates empty space. I do not want empty space. Please, don't hold back. A&E. Always here.

Reflection

How many of us like looking at ourselves in the mirror? Not me. I would gladly look at my insides in a mirror - I like what I see there. I have a giving heart and love deeply. I sacrifice so that others can receive. If I had to describe myself, I would say that I am athletic. In fact, most of the superlatives in high school described me as that - "most athletic". I was also an intelligent girl so a couple of accolades came my way that labeld me as a "scholar athlete". I was not the popular girl or the pretty girl. I might have been cute...like baby ducks are cute. I was told I was "pretty" this weekend, and I just agreed with the comment, but do not believe it. Even when she made me look at myself in the mirror, I did not necessarily like what I saw. Compliments bring attention and those kind that we find difficult to swallow fall especially into that category. Another time, she told me that she wanted me to feel "beautiful" and I never have felt that way, either. I did look good at my wedding some 22 years ago, though. But this has me thinking...do my insides match my outsides? I don't think they do, but others may have another opinion. Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we feel like we can never measure up to expectations that are self-imposed? I am not competing against anyone, so that cannot be it. I know what I trust and feel and I know that regardless of what is on the outside, my inside are pretty darn good. Not quite ready to say the "pretty" or "beautiful" words yet, but I am ok with that. The reflection I see in the mirror is not what the eyes can see that makes a difference...it is what my heart sees that counts.

More than I thought I could be

I keep pushing myself further. I have to. Not to please others or to accomplish some great feat. More for personal satisfaction. I have to. Every day, I become more than I thought I could be. Today, I didn't argue or give someone attitude even though we were doing something I do not like. She LOVED it. I was very much outside my comfort zone, but setting aside what we were doing, I was loving who I was with and that time together will be something I will always treasure. In fact, it might go on the "list." I know it probably meant more to me than it did to her, but that is ok. It was not supposed to mean anything, other than two friends taking care of some business that needed to get done. End of story. But, I am not sure that I can really say that and mean it. If that were the case, then I would not be typing this post. Maybe I shouldn't be. But somehow, I need her to know. Maybe she already does. I apologized for things she needed to help me with because I don't know how. But "sorries" are not allowed. I put myself in situations I would have long run from before because that was easier. I allow myself to become better, all the time. I have to be. Not for anyone else, but for me. When I started running on the days Rocky wasn't with me, I did more than I thought I could. I need to push myself, but in doing so I cannot lose sleep at night and need to forgive myself for not doing it all. I still need others to assist me to get where I need to be. We all need others to help from time to time. We just need to ask. And when we ask, we need to accept the answer. No excuses...no justification...no reasons why or why not. Someone told me that by allowing her to help me, it takes her mind off of her things. Funny, how that street goes both ways. Most of us succeed not because we did it alone, but because we accepted that we could not succeed alone. As much as we want to say, "I did it!", success always comes when others are right beside us, in whatever fashion or fit they make in our lives. Wherever they fit on our lists. I amaze myself when I glance back at where I was to where I am now. My life has changed a thousand times over and through it all, I would not change a thing. Because through it all, anything and everything, I am much, much more than I thought I ever could be.

Impossible to fake

Have you ever seen it? Have you felt it? I am talking about true inspiration - when it moves you to tears, laughter, and everything in between. That is something that cannot be faked - ever. In a couple of weeks, I have to inspire a group of 400 people with my words. I will be out there on stage for everyone to see, with all 800 eyes on me. Oh, my gosh...that just sounded really intimidating. Just kidding. Maybe to most people it would be. But, as you may have guessed, I am not most people. You should probably know that by now. That is a good thing... that there is only one of me. Not sure the world could handle more than one, since it may not be ready for this one. Inspiration comes from your heart and is felt deep and urges me on when I want to quit. When I want to run. There are still some things that people say about me that I do not believe. I probably will never believe about myself. I don't feel that I am those things, but I know something true when I am inspired or inspire others. I feel it. I cannot fake that. It is something that tugs at my emotions until I am forced to subcomb to it. You can fake a smile, fake a hug, or fake an attitude. Maybe that is why when I am inspiring others, I am true to what I am meant to be. I have never been one to be fake...it is hard enough to be real. So, when you feel something in your soul that stirs you beyond words, chances are it is true inspiration and will never question it. It is never fake and will catapult you into new experiences and new roads you are meant to travel.

It just is

I ask a lot of questions. A lot. I think even more. Yes, I have been known to overthink. There have been times when I have questioned this whole thing...what it was...why it was here...how am I supposed to do anything with it...and so on. I have questioned my worthiness and whether or not I deserved a different life, with everything that it brought my way. Wondering why Rocky showed up and was ever present, to a point when she would not go away, and partly hoping that she would leave because that was easy. When someone suggested that I start a women's group to give us all permission to seek more than what we see. Thinking I can inspire others to make changes in their attitudes and their thought processes was something I doubted that I could do. After all of the doubt...after the questions subside...when we finally accept, things just are. They exist and will never waver again. There is no other way to explain it, but to allow them to be here. It just is. When relationships begin and develop into something you never thought possible and show you something you have never had before to be true. Without question. I found it funny yesterday when I walked into Rock's store and someone made a comment about "the family is all here". She and I call each other's moms "Mama Tess and Mama Ro", and her family has become mine and vice versa. She told me once why she wanted to know my family, and I will never forget that reason. Now, everything in my life has a reason and even though I still question and think (yes, and talk) a good portion of the day, there are some things I don't think about or question. They have become a part of me to a point where I cannot imagine my life without them. As they have grown on me, they have captured my heart and will forever be with me, with all they bring to the table, and how they all absolutely make my life better. My life is full. It just is and the people in it just are.

When life changes you

We get comfortable in our lives and settle into what we know. We like familiarity and being close to home. We are sailing smoothly and just riding the water, with no real danger or obstacle in our way. That does not usually last for long. But life changes, and therefore, so do you. I am constantly amazed at how different I am from one day to the next. Sometimes, it might be something big or substantial and other times, no one notices. I usually prefer that one. Life has changed me as I have allowed it to come to me. It does that every day. I made a couple of people very happy today and I loved every minute of it. I wish every day was like that. I helped a couple get to a doctor appointment with their newborn and I took Rock one of her favorite things for lunch. It is always a treat to surprise her and I love to see her smile. I always joke that I need to be "less nice", but I was told that it might be impossible for me to accomplish that. Yeah. But when you get to a point when are very excited about life everyday, then you are changed. I have received several nice comments from some wonderful women regarding the G.I.F.T. after this week's meeting and perhaps something I said or just the idea of the group itself changed some of their lives. I am not sure. But, we still try. Life has come to me in many different ways and I am not even sure that I could even tell you how. So many amazing people have become such great supporters as I chase my dream. My slim is there through anything and everything and I always look forward to seeing her and treasure every moment we are together. My husband is supportive, although not always completely understanding, of what I write and what this all means to me. Even my sons encourage me when new ideas come my way. I am better every day and give more of myself to those I love. I give more of myself even to those that I don't know and I will never meet. I am more grateful everyday to the chance to really live as I might have missed it. Has life changed you? Why? Why not? Have you given more of yourself to others? Life was not something that I treasured or appreciated. It was there. So was I. That was it, end of story. Not so much anymore. Now, I have so much to live for...because I am changed.

How do you keep from being discouraged?

I think I am in the middle of a big test right now. Lots of things are coming my way, all at once and I am handling them. But don't you ever notice that it always seems that way? I know things happen in three's, so I guess when one thing happens, we need to be ready for at least two more things that are going to show up sooner or later. Some of you may be asking yourselves, "Why is she posting this? This is supposed to inspire me, not bring me down." I guess, my thought was that we have to address life as it truly is, not as we always wish it would be. We have to have bad days so we can appreciate the good ones. We need to see struggle so that we know what it looks like not to. We ALL have moments when we wonder if it is worth it and when we want to give up. That would be the easy way. I don't think easy is in my vocabulary any more, but it shows up from time to time. This morning, I took easy. I did not get up to walk/run even though I did get up at 4:30am as usual, but then I went back to bed. My mom would say, "Keep on truckin" and I think that might have been a phrase she used "back in the day". Not sure what "day" that was, but maybe glad I was not around to see that. Maybe glad to not see other days as well...just saying. When days come like this, we have really one choice and one choice only. Admit that we are here and feeling what we feel because dismissing that is worse. Then, we address whatever it is that is in front of us right now and get through it. Even if it means we stumble and stub our big toe in the process. Yes, that hurts. We get our balance once again and carry about our business. We move ahead...maybe a little more weary and unsure, but we take our steps. We all get discouraged at times. The difference is what we do after that makes the difference.

Wake up call!

So, I am driving home for lunch for a few minutes ago and have a greeen light and am slowly making my way across the intersection and out of no where comes this little black SUV going about 45 mph across the same intersection. She never braked or slowed down or nothing. I slammed on my brakes and avoided the collision. I am still shaking. As I sit here processing how quickly my life could have just changed, I am paying attention. That was a HUGE wakeup call and I have not received one in a while. There are a lot of other crazy things going on right now in my life and once less thing would be a blessing, especially if it involves anything to do with fixing cars, possible medical treatment, etc. If anything, I am more and more confident that I cannot miss a thing in this life and time I have been granted. I once told someone that a very important event to her was something that I would not have missed for anything. But life isn't just one event...it is a series of events, and I don't want to miss a single one. As I recollect what could have happened, it makes me sad that my life could have been so different 15 minutes ago had I been the next car in line...if I had not seen the car coming down the hill...if I didn't have time to brake. If I...If I...No more if I. This is what is important and I don't want to miss it. Take advantage of everything that you can...keep looking for all that you seek...Rule 22...Because at any time, without warning, you could be propelled into a new reality,what is before you, and how your life can change instantly. We are in our deepest sleep just before the alarm wakes us. We might have to start sleeping with one eye open. That might have been what saved me today. Maybe it was something (or someone else).

Happy amongst the chaos

Two friends were hanging out this weekend and one asked the other, "Are you happy?" The second friend replied, "I don't know. Maybe when things settle down." Even when we are right in the thick of it and we are not even sure which end is up, are we happy? Do we choose happy despite the chaos? I think there are moments of both. Moments of happiness and pure joy and other moments when we are doing everything we can to not pull our hair out and scream. Sure, there are times when a little escape sounds like just the ticket, but that is not usually our real life. Eventually, we need to venture back to what is normal for us and continue on. Chaos reminds us of what is important...what choices we took and what results came from those choices. For some reason, we seem to think that we are the only one that has chaos when deep down we know that that cannot be true. Just maybe different kinds of chaos. Here is the thing...I am happy when I get to run/walk in the morning. It is one of my most favorite things and gives me time to think. It actaully makes me day better somehow, even if I am alone for those dark, five miles. But today, I was happier. Today, Rock came. We have not seen too much of each other lately but today I think we both realized that we miss "this". Chaos will always be there and sometimes will show up when we are not ready for it, so it hits you like a PUMA. But we deal with it and get through it and eventually things right themselves again. But, I think the question we really need to ask ourselves is, "Despite the chaos, would you rather be somewhere else?" If the answer is "no", then I think you are happy.

Is it enough?

I was wondering about this today. Is it enough? Should I do more? Could I do more? I know I second guess some things, but not all things. I don't think it is enough. It can't be enough. Can it? Do I devote enough time to my husband? Is my house clean enough? Should I spend more time with family I never see? Will missing a lunch with a friend be that one lunch that something pivotal was supposed to happen? Is there enough money set aside for retirement? (I know the answer we would all say to this one...NO!) Have I lost enough weight? Do I have enough words for my speech? Have I given enough? Who says if it is enough? Does the level of "enough" change? Who determines that? I think I am capable of giving more...of doing more...of loving more...of living more. I have to always reach for more, don't you? It's never enough. It can't be enough. Then, there are times when I think I have given MORE than enough. But, most of the time, I think of more things I could do, think, see, love, live. I don't want to have regrets about any of it, so I strive to make sure that it is enough. Did I give my family enough? Did I laugh enough? Did I write enough? Are my hugs and smiles enough? Did I give enough? Have I given my friends enough well wishes, birthday cards, and enough of me? I have to believe that whatever I bring to the table on that day was enough. We only know it wasn't enough when the chances to question it are no longer there. Live your life in everything that you do, say, feel, believe, and love so that you never have to wonder...is it enough?

Looking for magic

Do you look for magic? I used to never think that magic would find its way to my doorstep. Wasn't going to happen. Wasn't meant to be. Not for this girl. Then, something happened and I cannot fully explain or understand it myself. Magic entered my life in many different forms, through different people, in ways I never thought possible. Even when I tried to comprehend what I was seeing and feeling, I doubted it. I had to, didn't I? Now, I see it everywhere. I see it in a husband who tells his wife, "I missed you today." I see it in a father who holds his young daughter's hand as they cross the street. I feel it when someone thinks of me and shows it in the smallest of ways. Magic is everywhere and it casts its glitter and makes me believe in the goodness of people and the love people can show each other. Magic is in a sweet goodnight from a teenage son to his mother. Magic is when we allow the pleasures of others to be more important that whatever we want for ourselves. It is there when I see a uniformed soldier whoe serves our country so proudly. Have you looked for magic today? Will you look for it tomorrow? Magic is two friends stopping by, unannounced to visit a third friend on the same day. Magic makes us wonder and encourages us to believe that all things are possible. That we can make things fun and love life. Make your life magical. Do you believe in magic? (Yes, that is a song.) Look for it. It is there.

Be grateful

We forget this sometimes, as we become focused on what can bring us down. We allow that to happen. It is easier to do it. I have a few things on my plate right now that I did not plan for or ask for, but they are here anyway. I cannot change it. However, in trying to explain a perspective to a young man that I care about, I wanted him to think about how his situation could be worse. When we focus on the negative, we are neglectful to what we do have. Life stinks sometimes. Not just for you or me, but for all of us. Choices we make end up biting us on the back side and we have to move on. No whining or throwing a fit about "what's fair." Get done what needs to be done and continue on this wild ride. We are all thrown into situations we would not pick, regardles of what they are. I have never heard of someone wishing that their loved one had passed on. It just doesn't happen. We wish for the good to always be present and for the bad to never show up. Guess what? Life does not work that way. "You have to have blessings and obstacles. One without the other is neither." You wouldn't know the difference of a blessing or an obstacle unless you knew what the other was like. Be grateful that whatever is before you is not worse. Sure...everyone picks for it to be better. Who wouldn't? I have also never heard of someone who bought a lottery or powerball ticket who wished they WOULDN'T win. It just doesn't happen. Whatever is in front of you is meant to teach you somethong. Pay attention. The lesson may not be what you think it should be. Use this event or situation to motivate you. I am grateful for whatever life brings me, even if it is unwanted. I am meant to deal with it and I know I will be better for it. I am most grateful for the chance to make amends, look at things with a new view, and appreciate what is before me. It makes me a better me...and for that I am eternally grateful.

When people don't see it

It really isn't that hard. It is quite simple. Maybe that is why I don't get why people don't see it. The "it" I am referring to is different things on different days. Maybe "it" is when people say one thing and do another. Sometimes it is when saying the right thing is not meant to hurt. Being kind is not hard nor does it require a lot of thought or work. We usually overlook the person doing the right thing because we notice first the person not doing the right thing. And that person doesn't see it. I put others before myself and am extremely embarrased if someone notices it. I do it for them...not for recognition. I was gone most of the weekend attending a family wedding out of town and then, I noticed something that had been left behind. Something that made me smile. Something that may never be erased from the surface (but may accidently be erased), is now imprinted forever in my memory. Little things like that can really affect people. But, people don't see it. They don't get it. I know I am more real than I probably have been because I am done playing the game. I am done hanging out with people that don't have the same mindset as me. Not that they have to agree with everything I say or think, but I realize I am leaning more towards the people that have those same thoughts. When people don't see it, there usually is an excuse close by to explain why. The real reason and the only reason is because it is easier not to care...easier to take care of me...easy. This world is far from it. It throws all kinds of pitches at you and you have to be ready. And even if you are not, you will be in a short amount of time. Are you one of the ones that sees it or not? If you don't see it, do you want to? You can see it, but you have to not choose easy and LOOK. Really LOOK. It is there. Even when you think it isn't. And once you see it, you will feel it.

In your heart

That is where I find peace and calmness amidst the craziness of life. I also find comfort, love, and joy. When I doubt, I look there too for the confidence I need to muster again. It solidifies everything I believe to be honorable and true. It grounds me when I wonder if what I am doing is making any kind of difference. When I am unsure of what to do next, I listen to my heart. It reminds me of the faith I have in the message I bring, in the people that cherish me, and when I question it all. My heart brings tears when I never thought it would, as the meaning of those simple words come to the surface as I type them. It brings me solace knowing that whatever comes my way, I can handle it and is there for a reason. My bestest memories are stored there and can make me smile or giggle for no other reason other than I go back to that moment in time and remember. My heart is overflowing with emotion, even this morning. Not really sure why, but it is here. I just know that I am very grateful to be exactly where I am right now. This is where I need to be...my heart tells me so.

You were born for this

Maybe you are not sure what you are supposed to do with this life you have been given? So, what do you do? You wander. You wait for something or someone to give you some directions, but then reality sets in. You think it will never come. It is different to be searching for something than it is to not be looking. There are a lot of people out there who are not looking. Then, there are those of us that wonder...and are tired of wandering. Then, it comes to you. And does it come. It will hit you like a Mack truck. As you get up, stunned from what just happened, your next step is trying to process it all. After you question it all and cannot even find the words to explain it to others, you are left with one conclusion. You were born for this. This is what you must do. It calls to you in the middle of the night and compels you to do things you never even thought about doing. You tell people exactly what you are feeling, and you go way outside your comfort level that you almost think you are going to throw up. Yes, I went there because we have all wanted to do that, right? Truth of the matter is, you were born for a reason. We have to figure out what that reason is and it is closer than you think. Listen... do you hear it? It screams so loud that its whisper faintly beckons you to pay attention. Are you paying attention? You should.

Out live your life

I spent Friday evening with KR and LL and LL leaned over and whispered to me, "Out live your life." She said, "What does that mean toyou?" I have been thinking about this since then, not quite sure how to answer her. I am not really that sure I know, but I am going to take my best guess. I interpret that to mean that I need to live more, be more, give more than what life shows me. I extended the years I am on this earth by living more. My impact on others may live long past that, but right now I am here. I am here for a reason and my task is to outlive my life. To give it all I have, every day. To knock on doors that otherwise I might have walked right passed and to open up people's minds to something new, to see that there is hope. When others can take even baby steps to make their lives different, that is how they start to outlive their lives. Why do we wait so long to start living? I am not just asking you, as I was not living for the majority of my life. Then, something unexplained happened to me. I opened my heart and soul to the thought of living. I told complete strangers that I saw their potential and watch it grow into what I see before me. I received a text today from KD today about an opportunity that she has on Monday. She is trying to get an opportunity to shine and I know once she walks in that door, she will show everyone exactly what she can do. Believe, girl!! Show your MOXIE. As I was reflecting today about all of the little episodes that have occured in my past that have tried to give me glimpses of what I should be doing, I have to laugh. I did not realize what it meant at the time. Little things like giving a retirement speech in front of 300 people...talking after a meeting, surrounded by 10 ladies who are there to just listen...volunteering to teach the Junior Achievement Program. The signs were all there. I wasn't ready to see them or did not put them together. The G.I.F.T. ladies received a list of questions about how they find their dream and what they are passionate about last month. I might not have wasted so much time had I discovered those questions some years ago. Looking back, I have discovered my true passions...I love to talk - no comments from those that know me personally - I love to work with youth - I love to see women grow and live the promise they are meant to live - I love to write. Make your life mean something to others. Impose such an impact that it would be impossible for anyone not to remember you. I once questioned that of someone - if she would remember me. I have NO DOUBT that she will. UNCONDITIONALLY. Forever. Out live what you think you supposed to do...your life is meant to be shared with others. Don't just live your life...out live it.

How will life surprise you today?

Well? Do you have an answer? Maybe you should ask yourself this question every morning, but maybe it is not just a question for you. Maybe I need to ask myself this question every morning also. Since I love surprises, that word alone makes it just more exciting to see where life's going to take me in the hours I have been given. A chance meeting could change your life forever if you see the right person, at the right time and make an impact so great, the outcome will be too impossible to imagine. Can you do that? Can I do that? I shared recently about how KR started her day like any other day, but then things started to happen and they were strung together by mere coincidence (or was it?) as her day progressed. Do you think she asked herself that question that day? Probably not. Will she from now on? My surprises come from many directions and not from ones that I might have seen coming either. They come from people that I have not seen in some time, but somehow we cross paths at the gas station. Why was it important that I see "so-and-so" just now? What am I supposed to learn from that? I thought I had it all figured out. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. I even thought I could figure it out if I hadn't yet. There was still hope for me to solve the puzzle. But I have to admit that this puzzle is not one to solve, but one to let play out. I am not the mastermind behind it. Most of us really only like the "good" surprises, but might wish to pass on anything less. But remember, that life is like that...it ebbs and flows likes the waves falling on a beach. So, again I ask you...how will life surprise you today?

Find your tribe

I have often wondered where I belong, never really believing that it was ever right. It never felt "right". Maybe you are not sure either. Listen...we all are there at one time or another. Where we are the orange in a bag of apples. But you KNOW it when it is right. Something just clicks. You don't have to try very hard, if at all. Kind of like me and Rock. I grew up in Southern California and never felt that I belonged there. In fact, if you did not know better, most would say they would have guessed that I was born and raised in Nebraska. Apparently, I do not "act like I am from California." Maybe it is because I do not say, "dude!" or "like" all the time. However, I do catch myself with a few surfer slangs with "tubular" and "awesome" from time to time. You know what they say, you can take the girl out of California...I remember moving here in the middle of January, not knowing another soul besides my husband, 1500 miles from my family, and pregnant. He travelled three out of four weeks of the month, so I was alone most of the time. My family was my tribe and I missed my sisters and maybe the weather, too. It is imperative that we have a sense of belonging to anything...a team...the G.I.F.T....a family...a church. It is what grounds us with like minds and like goals. The good of the group was always put forth as the most important goal with true tribes and that is still true today. I know it is a cliche, but there is no "I" in "TEAM." The tribe you belong to may not be the one you think you should be with; as the group changes, so will you. Just know that when you find it, it will be one of the easiest things you carry with you from that point forward. Because you are no longer alone...you have someone right beside you every step of the way.

What is grace?

I love this word, but sometimes find it difficult to use it daily. It has a special meaning as someone told me once that "your grace amazes me", but I did not really understand what that meant. I am just me. I am certainly not graceful - have you seen me try to do boot camp to the beat of the music? My husband thinks I am having a seizure or something. In fact, over the last 48 hours, I tripped over our dog as I headed to bed and maybe got a rug burn on my palm and just about gave myself a concussion as I hit my head full force on my nightstand as I reached for my phone charger cord that was on the floor. Yes, the lights were off both times...just in case you were wondering and thought I was a total goof. Ok, maybe you already think that, but it was dark. Not my finer moments, but I am recovering with a small goose egg on my forehead. Now, back to the subject of this post. Grace is not something that we do...it is something we give. We are humble as we share ourselves with others and even through tough times, we find a way to be kind to others. Even if your life has not always been kind to you. I never really thought much about grace until that day, even though we receive it when we are blessed by Him. We receive it through a smile, through a card, through a hug. Grace can be contagious when we feel it and it can carry you from dark and dreary to light and hopeful. We all have grace, but we have to show it in order for you to receive it in return. It becomes your calling card, what defines you, a treasured attribute that people admire and understand of what makes you YOU. Grace is you and me. Be graceful today...just not like me. LOL!

Missing someone

My dad posted this quote on facebook and I love it..."Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you last talked. It's about that very moment when you find yourself doing something and wishing they were right by your side." Has this ever happened to you? Oh, my gosh...this happens to me alot. Maybe too much. Maybe I let it. But I do not think I have ever reacted to things like I do now. But when something good and exciting happens, you want to share it. On the other hand, when something hits you like a school bus, you need to share it. Why do we miss it when someone isn't there? When they cannot pick up the phone? Usually it is not because they don't want to, but they just can't right at that moment. I know sometimes I am afraid I will forget to tell that person. Yes, people, there is alot going on upstairs. Plus, it just doesn't feel the same when your adrenaline subsides to near normal levels. Emotion gets you pumped up or mad, depending on the situation. I know that I exude excitement and passion when I call Rocky and tell her about some crazy idea I have. When we let our hearts soar or let our souls weep, we are there in that moment. And when you call someone at "that exact moment", you know it will be as if they are right by your side. Where they would want and need to be. Because they love you. It is a moment you cannot get back and sharing that moment with someone allows you to share it together. And if you are together, then you cannot miss each other.

When things get dropped in your lap

Isn't it funny how things happen? Things that don't really seem that significant but then set off a chain of events that become so eerily connected that you cannot ignore them? It would be impossible to do so. I think events that happened one day to KR has her attention. Now, I am learning that she is a Dr. Spock, like me...always thinking, analyizing, processing, evaluating scenarios, etc. However, in a matter of hours, she found out how connected people really are without her even knowing that they were connected. I might forget a few things, but this is how it was told to me. Wednesday, she stumbles upon my blog from a posting through facebook. She reads through the most recent post and sends me, "Atta, girl." Then, she go into Rocky's store, but she is not really sure why. Maybe because I mention it. Then, she sees something on the counter that triggers another thought related to a product. Later that day, she sees the same person who had talked to Rock about that product at a mere passing as she dropped off some items. Kind of spooky, huh? It was almost like six degrees of separation, but not from from what or whom. But, it got her to listen up. Things fall into our laps from time to time and we are not even sure why, what are to do with them, or how they got there to begin with. But, it almost undoubtedly gets us thinking. What did that come to me today? I recently told someone what I wrote about her the first time I met her back in February 2010. I wrote about the fear that held her back and the person she was yet to be. I saw the potential that was hidden and unfulfilled and knew she was more. But she wasn't sure. I said she would change people's lives and people would be better for her sharing her life with others. Of course, when I wrote that, never did I think that one of those changed lives would be mine. However, I am extremely grateful that it is. You see, the person I wrote about was Rocky. When we tell the story of how we met, people are looking for a connection that will make sense. But the truth of the matter is that she simply was walking by my office one day - she was dropped in my lap. I did not expect it, wasn't looking for it, but it came anyway. That's when we start to pay close attention to what we see in front of us. When we realize that we cannot plan anything, but there is a plan for everything. Even hardship and grief are meant to teach us something. This morning, when I realized we were out of milk, I was frustrated. Then, I turned on my new favorite song and forgot about my frustration. Guess what, people?? Things will come your way and you will start to wake up and figure it out. Right, KR?

I saw a rainbow the other day...

after a storm came through that morning as I was headed to work. I remember feeling upset because I could not get out and run. My day just does not feel the same if I am off my routine. Do you guys ever feel that way? Yes, I got a little more sleep and was warm inside my bed, but it just wasn't the same. Then, I saw the rainbow. It reminds of possibilities yet to come...yet to be. I found the "Rainbow Connection" sung by Kermit the Frog (yes, I said Kermit - as in the Muppets) some time ago, but I just love it. The rainbow brought me centered and made the rest of the day back to normal. It made me realize that I was inconvenienced by the thunder and lightening and rain that prevented me from doing what I wanted to do, but that the rain benefited the ground and washed away dirt that had been there after a long spell of no moisture. Rainbows have lots of colors, but my favorite has been and always will be...what color? Find peace and comfort in rainbows, but I really don't there is a pot of gold in the way the Leprechauns tell it. The "pot of gold" we are seeking may just be exactly the opposite. Look for rainbows everywhere, but especially after it rains.

It's happening....

and I don't even know it. I do, but never in the ways that I would have planned it. That is when I remind myself that I can't plan it. Even if I try t, it will not work out the way it actually does. We all know that. Last night, I went to a concert with LL and KR and had a blast. It was a spur of the moment - decide right now - kind of thing and I said, "yes". Sorry, KR is I talked your ear off, but was thinking today about after the concert when we were partaking in those wonderful appertizers and how we had our own little "G.I.F.T." meeting without really intending to, but it just happened. I could see the wheels turning and am so excited about seeing on on the 25th. It can be more...we have this one life to live and we want to do it well, with no regrets. Before that, I had some crazy ideas so what do I do? I call Rock. After all, she is my Rock. But she is ok with that - she likes the "title" and the responsibilites that comes with it. Even though I KNOW what she is going to say, I still have to hear her say it. I need her and others to gently push me into pursuing new ideas and then it makes it less scary. When you have nothing to lose, then "Why not?" More to come later, but know that the wheels are turning here, too.

Good morning!

This is the name of my new favorite song by Mandisa. I'm telling you, you will not be able to help yourself with clapping your hands and moving your body. Since I found it, I have to listen to it on my way to work and during my morning walk/run. I shared it with Rock today and had her moving down the middle of the street. It almost tells me that I can take on whatever is going to come my way and gives me unbelievable confidence and strength. I forget about what happened yesterday and am ready to move on. Yesterday, I did something that I love to do...I paid for two coffees for the car behind me at the local coffee shop. The woman at the window told me that it happens a lot at the holiday season, but my "paying it forward" was more fun for me and I LOVE IT!! There are commercials that we see on TV (for insurance) where people see others doing what's right and then they pass it along later. LOVE THAT TOO! How are you this morning? Do you have your coffee or hot chocolate? Sometimes, we need to give of ourselves to others by doing little things that mean more than we think they do, and then that creates the theme for the rest of the day. Keep this song in your head and then it will not just be a good morning...it will be a GREAT DAY!

Life is about...

I was thinking yesterday about what great knowledge I was going to share next month and some talks I will be giving come up. I also remember telling some wonderful women that in reality (and,at least hopefully) that if my life is about half over, what would I say I had to show for it? I have an amazing husband that loves me dearly, three wonderful boys that do well in school, and a couple of other trinkets I have picked up in my 43+ years along the way as well. This past weekend I heard this quote in a movie (sorry, don't remember which one) and it has been with me ever since - "Life is 50 percent what you do with your life and the other 50 percent is who is with you." Therefore, there are two parts to this quote that you have to work on everyday. What are you doing with your life? Are you just getting by? Barely? Are you wishing you were someplace other than where you are right now? At this very moment? If not, you have to know that you can change your life. Now, if you have that part figured out, who is in your life that might prevent you from living the life you want to live? Why are they there if they drag you down? Making your life miserable is what some people live for. The reason they do that is because it is easier than having to change their own lives. "People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours." So again, we are back to choices...what do we want to do with our lives and who we choose to be in our lives. Sometimes, you have to weed the flower patch. It's work and when you make the right decision, you will have no regrets about it. Keep those people close to you that will always be your biggest fans and start living your life. WHEEEEEE!

Atta, girl!

This is from a movie called, "9 to 5" where when these three ladies stand up to their boss, one of the their co-workers says, "Atta girl". It just makes me smile and she says it a couple of times one right after another. Rocky has her chamber ribbon cutting tomorrow which offically recognizes the opening of her dream, ABSOLUTELY HER, a women's upscale resale store. I have watched her from the very beginning as she wondered alot about what she should do next as she pondered (nice word, Dad) where her next road would take her. Not just that but, if she would have the courage to take that road, starting with that one small step. We tasted the competition as another possible avenue she thought about taking, and we both agreed that she could do better if she pursued that venue. As much as she made cupcakes as a stress reliever or for friends and family, it wasn't in her heart. So she had to search deep into her heart and ONLY she could listen to the answer. I could not help her all the way, but just needed to be there for her when she was in doubt and had questions. That is what friends do. I have seen her wonder about how it was going to work, where she would be located, to naming of the store, etc. I have been around it all and she included me and others in it, so it has been a pure pleasure to watch it from when she found the courage to ask herself the question and then answer it. And she knew she was really listening when her answer was the same every time she asked it. There was no wrong answer. There never is when you listen to your heart. Rocky, I could say so much more, but will save that for another time. Know this...I love seeing you BLOOM and shine and am so grateful to have been alongside you on this ride. Just one more thing...ATTA, GIRL!

TRY!!!

Don't you have to at least do this? Sure, it is easier not to, but really? Don't you want to be able to say, "I did that!"? Even if falling on your rear while you descend the 40 foot rock wall can be a lot of fun, you might have allowed the terror you thought would keep your feet on the ground to stop you. I have noticed and allowed myself to try new things lately...a lot of new things. Things that TOTALLY (remember, from So Cal) make me nervous to where I could be getting "the look" or the "flipping pages in the magazine" reminders. But, I am trying. "Before you quit, try." - Ernest Hemingway. Don't you owe yourself that much? No one will do it for you. Plus, you get the greatest joy when you can say, "I DID THAT!" And when you try, you live with no regrets. When I look back on my life, I have plenty of things I wish I had done differently. But we usually only wish we could change those things that turned out badly. We do not usually wish we could change those things that worked out well. But living with regrets means you hold onto those things you cannot change. Someone told me once that I would learn not to regret, but I really did not know what she meant. I love to give to others...it absolutely brings me the biggest joy. I can take the easy rode and not try, but sometimes what is easy for me might be difficult for others. Yoda said, "There is no try...there is do or do not." Because essentially, if you try, you do. Right? Right.

Rollercoaster ride

Ok, since we are on this rollercoaster of life, how are you on this ride? For a long time, I held onto the bar with both hands, with my knuckles turning white when situations or people caused stress and disappointments. The more I held on, the more I didn't feel the joy of the ride - I was too busy being afraid and hoped (ok, maybe prayed) that this ride would soon be over. That didn't happen, but I did not know what else to do. I never allowed myself the exhileration that came from the excitement of the ride itself. It seemed like every time I tried to let go of the bar holding me safe and put one arm above my head, I wouldn't give myself permission to smile or have fun. I was all business. Little moments...yes, tiny itty bitty moments would come and go, but I would dismis them, never relishing them and keeping them for very long. And who hasn't gotten sick or felt sick while they are on the ride itself? Where you just want to lean outside your car, and let the butterflies go, so to speak. When you don't live to take chances, then what do you live for? Then, at some point, you start putting your hands up above your head for those things and start to really "love the ride". It is not that you don't think about holding on to that bar, but putting your hands up feels all right too. You start to comprehend that you will not fall out, but the pure adrenaline starts to overcome any fear you may also be feeling at that same moment. We all have moments like these...where we have to be careful; are tempted to hold and let go at the very same time; let go and maybe also are going to be sick; or just roll with it and let what comes your way be your blessing. Life is a rollercoaster ride...you have the ticket...sit down...lock the bar down across your waist...and put your arms up. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

When we fall...

This comes to us all from time to time. When we fall short or just stumble for a little bit. Then there are those times when we feel that we have fallen so far that there is no way we could ever get back up. We are afraid to reach, thinking someone else will not be there to grab our hand and pull us up the rest of the way. I hesitated about posting something on this subject, but also came to realize that this is a part of life as much as anything else. As hard as we try, we will fail. As hard as we try, we will also succeed. We all wish that everything could be happy, fun, and great all the time. But it does not always work that way. We are sad and gloomy sometimes. Situations and people upset us and make us feel different emotions. Sometimes, we don't know why. Sometimes, we know exactly why and sharing that with someone else seems to make it better. Quiet time and space seems to work for me during certain situations. I take a break and eventually the "storm" works itself out. Eventually we pick ourselves back up and carry on as if that temporary set back never happened. I am not very good at letting others see me when I fall, and sometimes that hurts more than the fall itself. No one wants to feel dumb for being vulnerable. NO ONE. But we also need to understand that we all do it and we all need time to reassess and move on. Being there to listen is always the best thing someone can do for someone else. You may not say the right things, but knowing that you are there, just in case, can mean the world. It is easy to stay down, but takes courage and strength to use that to propel you up again. I learn alot about myself when times like this come and it gives me a little reality check. Reality is that we all fall. And we all have the choice to do what comes next...stay there or get back up again. I chose the latter.

Resistance

Yes, we know it exists, but that does not mean that we like it or that it will last long. Most times, we do not know how long the resistance will be in our lives or why it even came up to begin with. But, understand this. We still have three choices when resistance shows up and tries to push us back and impede us from going where we want to go. Choice one - just stop. Hold our ground. Tread water. Stay afloat. Do whatever we can so we are not going in the backwards direction. Send out an S.O.S. and see what ships come to our rescue, never knowing if they ever will. Choice two - allow the resistance to be stronger than we are. We allow its push to be greater than anything else we have learned up to that point. We give in. We surrender. We are left to drift, at the mercy of the resistance. We lose control of ANYTHING. We become a victim. Choice three - we move through it. We forge ahead and even though it is tough, we move - little by little and step by step. It becomes the mission to at least try with EVERYTHING we have to be somewhere different. To be someone different. Each choice has its own costs and therfore, its own benefit. Choice one leaves you with some weariness and may make you put out more effort than you want, especially once you realize you are not going anywhere. Choice two takes you where you have already been, where you hold on to what was and you stay stuck. Choice three requires the most effort, but also shows you that you with courage, strength, and hope you can move through tough times. Are you facing resistance today in your life? We all probably have some of it, even if it is minor, in our lives every day. Resistance can cause damage if we let it. Ultimately, the choice is still ours to make. What is your FINAL ANSWER?

Fate

Do you believe in fate? That you have a destiny that was already preset for you? Sometimes, things happen to us and we are not sure that "fate" had anything to do with it. But how can some other things explained? They cannot. Do we choose fate or does fate choose us? Is fate something we prepare for or rarely does it come when we expect it? As I have said before, I believe things happen for a reason. People come into (and out of) our lives once their purpose has been fulfilled. Events (good and bad) occur to teach us something...to make us mindful of something. Places can be memories of beauty lost and beauty gained. Do you know your fate? What happens when fate knocks on your door? Do you answer it? Do you say "yes" to things that you might not want to? How do you know which ones to say "yes" or "no" to? What happens if you say "yes" or "no" to the wrong ones? If you keep saying, "no" to something, will it keep showing up until you say "yes"? I do not have any of these answers, but I was just thinking and thought you might need something to think about too.

Aftermath

This weekend, I drove up to see our oldest son play baseball and surprise him. In order for me to do that, I needed to use an interstate that had been closed most of the summer due to the flooding from the excess releases of water from a dam further up the Missouri River. As much as I was anxious to see what the vegetation and road looked like after being drowned in water for months, I also was very optimistic. Don't get me wrong, I saw dead trees and shrubs and where grass, weeds, and other native plants once grew, now there was a lot of dirt. A lot. There were farm fields that were still surrounded by a lake of water that had silos and other farm equipment that seemed isolated from any dry land. The life of those living things had been choked out of them. Yet, there is hope. As life does, it will flourish again. I saw the aftermath after devastation. I am reminded about a different kind of aftermath - the kind that comes after preservation of life. When people shine because they get their first job...when people succeed in accomplishing losing weight...when people give their hearts away...when they overcome a fear. People are awakened every day and consciously choose how they spend their day and those special people will leave an impression on you and the aftermath will be what is left. Sometimes, we feel like we have been swallowed by life with the people and events that have led you to today, where ISOLATION has become your friend. Your ONLY friend. But something or someone gets you out of that dark place and you start to see the light that can be you. You start to find HOPE and believe that it will be better. At times, I cannot find the words that I really want to say and I stumble through them with a garbled message that might be a little close to what I intended. It is easy to type words and easy to read them. It is more difficult to say them and hear them. You can create the aftermath that people see when you are not around. You can bring life into something that did not even know it was not living. People will still feel a connection to you that will never go away, despite distance or time. The outcome of what we all bring to this world...this one life in this one world...connects us always and will result in one thing. "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou. When you impact others' lives, you leave a little bit of you behind with them, and because of that, the aftermath that follows will change everyone else from that point forward.

People can change

Some people are very cynical and do not believe that people can change. I am here to tell you that they can. Not just on the outside, either. People can choose to change what they want to change. And it is not just a one time choice, either. It has to made over and over. So many times, I find it easier to go back to my old life, my old ways of doing things, my old thoughts. Yes, there are times when I falter and step back into "the old me", but I do not stay there long. I choose to not be there. I choose to be "the new me" and make that conscious decision every day. I have seen people change, on the outside and the inside. I have done both. People hold onto those things that they cannot change or forgive and so they expect the worst and always will. They pout and bring others down. People change when they see others change. Then, they believe it is possible. Anything is possible. I was thinking this morning how many times people want to change something little in their lives, but don't. The change doesn't have to be something HUGE like, "curing cancer", but can be something little. Something new. Like putting peanut butter in oatmeal to make it taste better because you don't like oatmeal, but want to eat better. One step at a time can propel you into taking more steps. More steps means you are moving and with that movement comes change. Change you will see. Change people will admire. Change people will choose to be a part of and encourage them to change what you see now. It can be different.

My own little world

My own little world used to consist of a few people. My immediate family, my not so immediate family, some co-workers, maybe an acquaintance here and there, a neighbor, etc. Not any more. My little world does not seem so little anymore. It is bigger than I can even imagine. When we focus on ourselves or not even that, maybe just not on anyone else, we keep a safe distance from being engaged in life. We are safe and cannot be hurt - I have a son that reminds me of this many times as he just doesn't give himself many chances at loving at what is in front of him. Do you know people like that? Are you one of those people? As I began to open up my arms and allow the world to come to me, I reached back. It became one of the strongest feelings when I HAD to reach back. There was no other choice. It wasn't like I just started forgetting about me, but I became more focused on others. I said "hello" to people I had never met before. I invited others to lunch. I took chances on myself. I said what I felt when I felt it. Sometimes, I forget why I am here and I wander a little bit. Someone told me recently that when I get that way, that she just has to give me space and time and eventually, I get back where I need to be. My heart is someplace new and my world consists of new places and people. It consists of you and because of that alone, we will always be connected. That makes my own little world much bigger, but also makes it more of the way it should be.

Making my day

As you may have previously read, one of my favorite things to do is to surprise people. I love to see their face and the smile that is usually on it. A couple of weeks ago, I was the one with the smile as someone surpised me by just stopping by my office for a quick visit. TK and I have known each other for a few years now, and every time he comes to see me, I am always grateful he did. In fact, he tells me that he told his mom that he was not leaving the area until he saw me. Isn't that sweet? I was on cloud nine the rest of the day. It did not matter what happened the rest of the day, because I could look back and smile at the nice, kind gesture of just being there tells me. Most of the time, it is me. Remembering a birthday with sending a card in the mail - I love to surprise people that way. Sometimes cards have money in them, too. Remember that, Rock? It is easy to do little things, but they make such an impact and last longer than it took you to fo that little thing. Those little things...those simple tasks that get overlooked and we get too busy for...minor details that we think no one will notice...make the world better. Make the people in the world want to be better. It makes our days better and I am grateful every time. Thanks, TK. You make my day every time I see you.

Starting a ripple

Many times, I do not realize or really comprehend the effects of something I say or do and how those good things can positively impact others. In fact, I probably dismiss it more than I should. I am getting better, though. I was visiting with someone Friday and although the quote may be off slightly with a few words and I do not know who said it, it is VERY true. "If you tell a woman she is beautiful 100 times, she will will never believe you. If you tell a woman she is ugly once, she will believe you forever." People have been very supportive and encouraging as they have been there and watched the transformation of me and I have tried to diminish those compliments when they come. I don't believe them, but I need to in order to continue "the change I want to see in the world." I also visited with GZ on Saturday - love to see your smile - and she told me that she and DB put their hands up every day. The best part is only they know what it means, just like the many, many things that Rock and I share. Sometimes, we forget where we are - sorry, G.I.F.T. ladies. That was not my intention the other night. But in talking with these two ladies, I was reminded about what we have started - something different, something new, something that will awaken you. I have started a ripple effect on everyone that I meet, and I did not realize that I had done that. Even without really trying. Ripples can travel a far distance across whatever surface they are traveling and come in contact with many people along the way. I am amazed when people have suggested to other ladies that they come to the G.I.F.T. because they see the benefit in it and want to include them. When the ripple starts to lessen in strength, I drop another stone and create a new ripple that reaches out again. The ripple of this blog reaches across the globe to many other countries - people that I have never met, but somehow found me and keep coming back to read more - and it started with me telling just a few friends. You can be that ripple. Don't wait for it to come to you. Be excited to join a ripple and share it with others, like my G.I.F.T. friends are doing. Let your passion guide you and it will not be something you even think about. Do what you love. Share it with others. Start a ripple...it will be contagious.

Surprise Yourself

Have you ever done that? Where you did something, maybe got caught up in the moment and where it was taking you and then after it was all over, you took a step back and said to yourself, "Did I just do that?" I do that ALL the time. Not because I am second guessing what just happened (ok, maybe I do that too), but more about my part in what just happened. After Tuesday night, I received a nice little text from LL - she said, "You just might have saved a life tonight." Whoa. As much as I do not always believe that I have the ability to "save someone's life", I also understand what she meant. She meant that maybe someone's life will be different because of me starting the G.I.F.T and where some of these wonderful women travel going forward. I have planted the seed and hope they continue to come so that we can grow together. I surprise myself everyday when I find something to write about here or in talking to someone new about my journey. That happened this week also - a guy I work with who will be known as "Your Holiness" or YH for short and I had a nice conversation about life. Before I know it, I was telling him about my blog and the G.I.F.T and my dream. YH tells me that he has been out to check out the blog and that we will talk more. He and I have had casual conversations at work, but we got here real quick. I was not doubting what I shared with him as being something I regretted doing, but was merely surprised that it occurred at all. But I am glad it did and look forward to our next conversation. I surprise myself all the time at where this crazy rollercoaster of a ride is taking me. I will be surprised many times and will relish those times and smile when it happens. Best ride of my life so far and I would not trade it for anything.